Re: what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3]

by Eldorion Sun Oct 04, 2015 5:44 am

Some of those are actually really good. "Dailysex" and the palm tree one got me. Laughing

by Bluebottle Sun Oct 04, 2015 10:31 am

That and the flamingo one. Very Happy

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] - Page 31 Tumblr_nl5zainD0D1u6o03io6_500

by azriel Sun Oct 04, 2015 12:24 pm

Spoiler:

by azriel Sun Oct 04, 2015 12:36 pm

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.

And then I saw her face.

by Pettytyrant101 Sun Oct 04, 2015 11:36 pm

Love puns!

by Bluebottle Mon Oct 05, 2015 9:44 pm

Didn't really know where to put this. Here will do. Razz

"
Aries —
there was a war in your childhood home, and you can still remember the fires, how the blood was
pretty and sick on the bathroom’s pristine tiles, your mother’s still warm body limp in the tub.
breathe in through the mouth: in, out, in. you are not guilty. her life is not on your hands.

Taurus —
it is okay to love things more than you love people; practical, even.
people have left you, people will leave you – things, though, ah! things will not abandon you.
buy yourself something nice. it is the least bad out of all your choices.

Gemini —
you die every night and are reborn at dawn; you are a walking graveyard,
an army of yesterdays’ ghosts, and you no longer remember who you were at the beginning.
do not weep for the stranger that once inhabited your bones.

Cancer —
you are in love with the idea of love more than you are in love with your lovers;
that is why all your relationships are fleeting, why you are always falling apart.
all the same, smile when he proposes. pretend you do not know how this is going to end.

Leo —
oh, you poor, poor thing. all you have ever wanted was love’s sunlight, but all you ever got
were the thunderstorms, the clouds above your head heavy with sorrow, and so you chose
to drown out the rain between the thighs of a lover. do not regret it, for they were good nights.

Virgo —
you cradled your heart all your life with such care, and when the day came for you
to hand it to another, it shattered like glass in their grip. they did not mean to hurt you, you know.
they just wanted to hold on, afraid it will slip through their fingers like sand.

Libra —
you are the king of bad choices, from lovers to the fights you pick when you are far from sober;
you lost your sanity along the line between what is right and what is not, and you started hungering.
i fear the day your hunger will be quenched – only justice will sate you, and that calls for everyone’s dying.

Scorpio —
you are the one everyone fears: the monster in the closet, the witch at the stake – the devil, falling.
all of this is because they cannot understand you. they fear you like they fear death; instinctively.
do not mind them, for death is a kind god: the sweetest sleep, the darkness from which life is born.

Sagittarius —
some days, you think the sea is but a giant mirror, the vanity of coquettish stars and lazy clouds in passing.
some days, you think it is the fury of our earth mother, her tears and her sorrow saltwater in the breeze.
on all of them, you want to sail its’ lengths; you want to get lost out on the abyss, feel small beneath the sky.

Capricorn —
you learned early on the art of silent war – the war carried by words, sharper than any other blade.
at the same time, you have learned how little you mattered to the world, and so you cast yourself in armor.
i just wish you would learn to love yourself, if only a little. your own words have been cutting you all along.

Aquarius —
there is a sickness in you called longing: you’re wanton, thirsty, hungry, wanting – what, exactly,
well, that is part two, and none of us is really sure. you’re standing here, hands reaching for; come inside.
i will pour us both some wine, and we can pass the waiting time together. one day, you will know what you are lusting after.

Pisces —
all you have ever loved seems to be taken from you, until your house is left an empty, cold thing,
and your soul has been turned into a ruin. do not despair; get up from the floor, dust your clothes.
there are seeds on the upper shelves in the shed. it is a time as good as any to start keeping a garden.

"
— poetry for the signs: the “it is okay” edition, L. Schreiber

by azriel Mon Oct 05, 2015 9:50 pm

Mine was quite romantically put Smile

by Bluebottle Mon Oct 05, 2015 9:52 pm

Libra —
you are the king of bad choices, from lovers to the fights you pick when you are far from sober;
you lost your sanity along the line between what is right and what is not, and you started hungering.
i fear the day your hunger will be quenched – only justice will sate you, and that calls for everyone’s dying.

Mine was very dramatic. Razz

by Pettytyrant101 Tue Oct 06, 2015 8:48 pm

Same for me Blue- sounds about right to me Twisted Evil

by huffjuff Wed Oct 07, 2015 9:44 am

Cancer —
you are in love with the idea of love more than you are in love with your lovers;
that is why all your relationships are fleeting, why you are always falling apart.
all the same, smile when he proposes. pretend you do not know how this is going to end.

Mine isnt half as true as I thought it might have been. I've never been in a relationship at all. Sad

by Nagual Wed Oct 07, 2015 12:13 pm

huffjuff wrote:
Cancer —
you are in love with the idea of love more than you are in love with your lovers;
that is why all your relationships are fleeting, why you are always falling apart.
all the same, smile when he proposes. pretend you do not know how this is going to end.
Mine isnt half as true as I thought it might have been. I've never been in a relationship at all.

You're in a relationship with everyone you know, and love doesn't have to been sexual. You love your family, and have a relationship. Be strong.

If all else fails. Love yourself... Very Happy

by halfwise Wed Oct 07, 2015 2:01 pm

Aries is a rather rough start to the morning. Suspect

by azriel Wed Oct 07, 2015 2:20 pm

Bloody hell Halfy ! thats a bit weird isnt it ? Shocked

by azriel Wed Oct 07, 2015 2:21 pm

I thought "halfwise's" were born from buckets ?? Suspect

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] - Page 31 Th_fantasia_zpshu1pgvze

by Eldorion Wed Oct 07, 2015 3:44 pm

Leo —
oh, you poor, poor thing. all you have ever wanted was love’s sunlight, but all you ever got
were the thunderstorms, the clouds above your head heavy with sorrow, and so you chose
to drown out the rain between the thighs of a lover. do not regret it, for they were good nights.

There was a good long while where this was more accurate than I'd to admit. Suspect

by huffjuff Wed Oct 07, 2015 4:39 pm

Nagual wrote:
huffjuff wrote:
Cancer —
you are in love with the idea of love more than you are in love with your lovers;
that is why all your relationships are fleeting, why you are always falling apart.
all the same, smile when he proposes. pretend you do not know how this is going to end.
Mine isnt half as true as I thought it might have been. I've never been in a relationship at all.

You're in a relationship with everyone you know, and love doesn't have to been sexual. You love your family, and have a relationship. Be strong.

If all else fails. Love yourself...

True. I was wrong! I'm in a special relationship with everyone here on the forum!!! Very Happy

by azriel Wed Oct 07, 2015 4:42 pm

You big softie ! I love you

by bungobaggins Thu Oct 08, 2015 3:44 pm

Saw this one on reddit.

Donald Trump is visiting a elementary school and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks Mr Trump if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy." So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy." "No," says Mr Trump, "that would be an accident." A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains the exalted businessman. "That's what we would call a great loss." The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Mr Trump searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If a private jet carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic!" exclaims Mr Trump, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

by azriel Thu Oct 08, 2015 3:49 pm

by Bluebottle Sun Oct 11, 2015 12:09 pm

by azriel Sun Oct 11, 2015 1:45 pm

Oh good grief ! Very Happy

by Mrs Figg Sun Oct 11, 2015 8:55 pm

by Pettytyrant101 Wed Oct 14, 2015 5:25 pm

'The Pope discussing God with an out and out atheist.

They start of, very correctly, in discussion, but as the hours go by it gets more and more heated and eventually the Pope turns to the man and he says; 'You are like a man who is totally blindfolded in a dark room looking for a black cat that is not there.'
The man says, 'With all respect Your Holiness I think there is great similarity between us both.'
'What?! What do you mean similarity?'
'Well as far as I am concerned, you are like a man who is blindfolded in a totally dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there. The only difference is, you've found it.'

- Dave Allen

by azriel Wed Oct 14, 2015 5:59 pm

I loved Dave Allen Smile

by Norc Wed Oct 14, 2015 7:29 pm

huffjuff wrote:
Nagual wrote:
huffjuff wrote:
Cancer —
you are in love with the idea of love more than you are in love with your lovers;
that is why all your relationships are fleeting, why you are always falling apart.
all the same, smile when he proposes. pretend you do not know how this is going to end.
Mine isnt half as true as I thought it might have been. I've never been in a relationship at all.

You're in a relationship with everyone you know, and love doesn't have to been sexual. You love your family, and have a relationship. Be strong.

If all else fails. Love yourself...
True. I was wrong! I'm in a special relationship with everyone here on the forum!!!

what never? and you're such a sweet lad!