what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3]

+16
Manwe Sulimo
Eru
leelee
Forest Shepherd
Ringdrotten
Norc
Orwell
Amarië
David H
bungobaggins
halfwise
Eldorion
Nagual
Mrs Figg
Bluebottle
chris63
20 posters

Page 1 of 40 1, 2, 3 ... 20 ... 40  Next

Go down

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] Empty what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3]

Post by chris63 Fri Feb 12, 2016 1:45 am

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] 16%2B-%2B1

_________________
what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] Z93Cq
chris63
chris63
Adventurer

Posts : 8678
Join date : 2011-07-04
Location : Perth, Australia

Back to top Go down

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] Empty Re: what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3]

Post by chris63 Fri Feb 12, 2016 2:18 am

My mate was whining all day at me about how he couldn't harvest fruit in his garden. I said "For Christ's sake! Grow a pear!"

_________________
what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] Z93Cq
chris63
chris63
Adventurer

Posts : 8678
Join date : 2011-07-04
Location : Perth, Australia

Back to top Go down

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] Empty Re: what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3]

Post by chris63 Fri Feb 12, 2016 2:47 am

Please avoid using a website called Constipated.com. It wouldn't let me log out.

_________________
what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] Z93Cq
chris63
chris63
Adventurer

Posts : 8678
Join date : 2011-07-04
Location : Perth, Australia

Back to top Go down

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] Empty Re: what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3]

Post by chris63 Fri Feb 12, 2016 3:03 am


Jewish Kamikaze pilot..........crashed his plane in his brother's scrapyard.




Homeless soaking wet tramp was walking past the synagogue, the rabbi was stood on the steps. The tramp said "Have you got 20p for a bed Rabbi?"

The Rabbi said "Sure, bring it round, I'll have a look at it"

_________________
what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] Z93Cq
chris63
chris63
Adventurer

Posts : 8678
Join date : 2011-07-04
Location : Perth, Australia

Back to top Go down

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] Empty Re: what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3]

Post by chris63 Fri Feb 12, 2016 3:09 am

What do you call a man with no arms and legs who swims the channel?

'Clever Dick.'

pmsl.

_________________
what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] Z93Cq
chris63
chris63
Adventurer

Posts : 8678
Join date : 2011-07-04
Location : Perth, Australia

Back to top Go down

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] Empty Re: what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3]

Post by azriel Fri Feb 12, 2016 9:16 am

lol! slap laugh

_________________
"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. It's the job that's never started as takes longest to finish.”
"There are far, far, better things ahead than any we can leave behind"
If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] Th_cat%20blink_zpsesmrb2cl

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] Jean-b11
azriel
azriel
Grumpy cat, rub my tummy, hear me purr

Posts : 15469
Join date : 2012-10-07
Age : 64
Location : in a galaxy, far,far away, deep in my own imagination.

Back to top Go down

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] Empty Re: what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3]

Post by Bluebottle Fri Feb 12, 2016 6:56 pm

Seagoon: I want to buy a twenty-foot easel.
Henry: Twenty-foot? Whatever for?
Seagoon: I want people to think I'm tall.
Henry: But if you stand by a twenty-foot easel, it'll make you look even shorter.
Seagoon: That's just it. I'm not going to stand by it. I'll stand somewhere else. Ha, ha, I'm not a fool, you know!
Henry: If you're not going to stand near it, why buy it?
Seagoon: I've got to buy it so as to have something tall not to stand by! It's no good not standing by something tall that's not there, is it?
Henry: Supposing someone comes in unexpectedly when you're standing near it?
Seagoon: Then I shall deny every word of it and stand on a ladder.
(Tales of Montmartre)

Nod

_________________
“We're doomed,” he says, casually. “There's no question about that. But it's OK to be doomed because then you can just enjoy your life."
what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] Tumblr_msgi12FPjq1s8au6qo2_500
Bluebottle
Bluebottle
Concerned citizen

Posts : 10099
Join date : 2013-11-09
Age : 37

Back to top Go down

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] Empty Re: what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3]

Post by Bluebottle Sun Feb 14, 2016 10:06 pm

Eccles: Look up there! There's buzzards circling- there's buzzards circling around!
Seagoon: What are they doing up there?
Eccles: Flying!
Seagoon: Bloodnok- Bloodnok, do you think they're waiting- waiting to eat us?
Bloodnok: Not sure, but keep your eyes on the ones carrying knives and forks.
Seagoon: Look! We're saved! Look! A house!
Eccles: It is! A house! A house!
Bloodnok: It's not, it's a mirage.
Seagoon: Nonsense, it's a house surrounded by trees. Let's go in.
Eccles: Yeah.
[sound of door opening]
Bloodnok: I still say it's a mirage.
Seagoon: Nonsense! Bluebottle, Eccles, search the house for food.
Bluebottle: All right, then.
Seagoon: So, Bloodnok. You think this house is a mirage, eh? We'll soon see! Wait! It's vanished! Gone! You were right. A mirage.
Bloodnok: I told you it was.
Eccles: OWWWWWW- [thud] OW!
Bloodnok: Eccles! What happened?
Eccles: I was upstairs!
(The mummified priest)

One of my favourite jokes out there. Very Happy

_________________
“We're doomed,” he says, casually. “There's no question about that. But it's OK to be doomed because then you can just enjoy your life."
what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] Tumblr_msgi12FPjq1s8au6qo2_500
Bluebottle
Bluebottle
Concerned citizen

Posts : 10099
Join date : 2013-11-09
Age : 37

Back to top Go down

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] Empty Re: what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3]

Post by azriel Sun Feb 14, 2016 10:29 pm

Very Happy

_________________
"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. It's the job that's never started as takes longest to finish.”
"There are far, far, better things ahead than any we can leave behind"
If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] Th_cat%20blink_zpsesmrb2cl

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] Jean-b11
azriel
azriel
Grumpy cat, rub my tummy, hear me purr

Posts : 15469
Join date : 2012-10-07
Age : 64
Location : in a galaxy, far,far away, deep in my own imagination.

Back to top Go down

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] Empty Re: what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3]

Post by Mrs Figg Sun Feb 14, 2016 10:31 pm

chris63 wrote:Please avoid using a website called Constipated.com. It wouldn't let me log out.

lol!
Mrs Figg
Mrs Figg
Eel Wrangler from Bree

Posts : 25817
Join date : 2011-10-06
Age : 94
Location : Holding The Door

Back to top Go down

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] Empty Re: what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3]

Post by Bluebottle Sun Feb 14, 2016 10:57 pm

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] 12743641_1651535528430751_3012351497050705188_n

_________________
“We're doomed,” he says, casually. “There's no question about that. But it's OK to be doomed because then you can just enjoy your life."
what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] Tumblr_msgi12FPjq1s8au6qo2_500
Bluebottle
Bluebottle
Concerned citizen

Posts : 10099
Join date : 2013-11-09
Age : 37

Back to top Go down

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] Empty Re: what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3]

Post by azriel Sun Feb 14, 2016 11:24 pm

Razz

_________________
"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. It's the job that's never started as takes longest to finish.”
"There are far, far, better things ahead than any we can leave behind"
If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] Th_cat%20blink_zpsesmrb2cl

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] Jean-b11
azriel
azriel
Grumpy cat, rub my tummy, hear me purr

Posts : 15469
Join date : 2012-10-07
Age : 64
Location : in a galaxy, far,far away, deep in my own imagination.

Back to top Go down

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] Empty Re: what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3]

Post by Bluebottle Mon Feb 15, 2016 6:21 am

‘Keep calm. Keep calm.’
‘I am calm!’
‘I’m talking to myself.’

_________________
“We're doomed,” he says, casually. “There's no question about that. But it's OK to be doomed because then you can just enjoy your life."
what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] Tumblr_msgi12FPjq1s8au6qo2_500
Bluebottle
Bluebottle
Concerned citizen

Posts : 10099
Join date : 2013-11-09
Age : 37

Back to top Go down

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] Empty Re: what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3]

Post by azriel Wed Feb 17, 2016 6:37 pm

A guy thought his wife was cheating on him.

So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her he found out she was working in a brothel.

The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a £100?"

The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?".

The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the brothel and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home. So the cabbie goes in.

A couple of minutes later the brothel door gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging a woman out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab.

The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here, hold her!!" The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE".

The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!".

_________________
"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. It's the job that's never started as takes longest to finish.”
"There are far, far, better things ahead than any we can leave behind"
If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] Th_cat%20blink_zpsesmrb2cl

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] Jean-b11
azriel
azriel
Grumpy cat, rub my tummy, hear me purr

Posts : 15469
Join date : 2012-10-07
Age : 64
Location : in a galaxy, far,far away, deep in my own imagination.

Back to top Go down

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] Empty Re: what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3]

Post by Nagual Fri Feb 19, 2016 2:11 pm

I tried to catch fog yesterday.

Mist.

Nagual
Nagual
Ringwinner

Posts : 220
Join date : 2012-11-27

Back to top Go down

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] Empty Re: what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3]

Post by Eldorion Fri Feb 19, 2016 3:32 pm

Laughing
Eldorion
Eldorion
You're Gonna Carry That Weight

Posts : 23311
Join date : 2011-02-13
Age : 29
Location : Maryland, United States

https://purl.org/tolkien

Back to top Go down

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] Empty Re: what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3]

Post by halfwise Fri Feb 19, 2016 4:22 pm

:facepalm:

_________________
Halfwise, son of Halfwit. Brother of Nitwit, son of Halfwit. Half brother of Figwit.
Then it gets complicated...
halfwise
halfwise
Quintessence of Burrahobbitry

Posts : 20223
Join date : 2012-02-01
Location : rustic broom closet in farthing of Manhattan

Back to top Go down

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] Empty Re: what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3]

Post by Nagual Fri Feb 19, 2016 4:31 pm

Last week while drive to work, got stopped by a copper. He said while I wasn't speeding, the roads could be dangerous. I assured him I was a competent driver. He then asked what I would do if mist or fog came down suddenly.


I'd put my foot on Mr Brake and slow down. He wasn't impressed.
Nagual
Nagual
Ringwinner

Posts : 220
Join date : 2012-11-27

Back to top Go down

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] Empty Re: what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3]

Post by Mrs Figg Fri Feb 19, 2016 5:25 pm

Laughing thats Scotscoppers for you. crabbit.
Mrs Figg
Mrs Figg
Eel Wrangler from Bree

Posts : 25817
Join date : 2011-10-06
Age : 94
Location : Holding The Door

Back to top Go down

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] Empty Re: what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3]

Post by Nagual Sat Feb 20, 2016 9:41 pm

Mrs Figg wrote:Laughing thats Scotscoppers for you. crabbit.

Scoppers. [s as in "see yon sassenach ". c as in "it's fair culd". o as in "the sound that you make when kicked in the goolies, and the pain gets yi before yi can even finish", p as in "it's pure pishinit doon", e as in "", r as in "isatrightyabastard?!"

Noun, verb, adjective, whateverworksyiken?

Usage:

Generally used when describing the actions or inactions of the local constabulary, while being drunk enough to speak but not sober enough to see yon feckin scopper lurking in the shadows.

Example:

NotMe: Whits up wi yir face? luks like yi went home wi a bust pay packet!

NotPetty: Nuffin. Scoppers, innit. Gie'in me grief.

NotMe: How come?

NotPetty: Feckin Scoppers aw'ways faw'aw'in me in stuff. Awt ti be a law or summit againstit..mumble..mumble

NotMe: Well, am shirr they ken that yi ahd nuffin ti dae wi weird reports of a mental lookin scotshobbit runnin' aboot shou'in "Shows us yers or Ull show yer mine!!" before jumpin n rollin aboot. 'parrently one o thi wimmim said that after seein this sh'd rather dance naked thru thi toon cenner than see that wee tagger again!

NotPetty: wisnime.
Nagual
Nagual
Ringwinner

Posts : 220
Join date : 2012-11-27

Back to top Go down

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] Empty Re: what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3]

Post by azriel Sun Feb 21, 2016 9:54 am

Bet it was Laughing

_________________
"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. It's the job that's never started as takes longest to finish.”
"There are far, far, better things ahead than any we can leave behind"
If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] Th_cat%20blink_zpsesmrb2cl

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] Jean-b11
azriel
azriel
Grumpy cat, rub my tummy, hear me purr

Posts : 15469
Join date : 2012-10-07
Age : 64
Location : in a galaxy, far,far away, deep in my own imagination.

Back to top Go down

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] Empty Re: what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3]

Post by Mrs Figg Sun Feb 21, 2016 2:07 pm

lol! Scottish Withnail and I.
Mrs Figg
Mrs Figg
Eel Wrangler from Bree

Posts : 25817
Join date : 2011-10-06
Age : 94
Location : Holding The Door

Back to top Go down

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] Empty Re: what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3]

Post by Pettytyrant101 Mon Feb 22, 2016 10:55 pm

{{{{{wisnae me! Mad Ma tadgers noo seen the light o' day fir so lang it gits sunburnt using the lavvie Evil or Very Mad

Anyway just leave these lying around for the amusement of others, some choice Frankie Boyle quotes through the ages!}}}

Frankie Boyle-

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!

Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair’s put on weight and had a mild stroke.

He looks terrible doesn’t he, [Gordon] Brown? He looks like a sad face that someone has drawn onto their scrotum.

The tragedy is that if Oscar Pistorius had no arms, this would never have happened

3 Million for the funeral of Margaret Thatcher? For 3 Million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person.

In Scotland we have mixed feelings about Global Warming. Because we all get to sit on the mountains and watch the English drown.

Having a gang-bang in Scotland in the winter is like playing Pass The Parcel: there’s that many layers!

On the most Scottish thing he’d ever seen: I was going through a town called Bathgate at around 11 o’clock at night. And there was a guy leaning and pissing against a front door. He then took out his keys and went inside.

You say snapchat, I say speedwank.

Why do paedophiles always have beards and glasses? What is it about that look that children find so sexy?

When I was about 8 or 9, I was a massive Michael Jackson fan and I wish I had known at the time that I was his type.

Cricket. No matter who wins, both teams, and all the fans, are losers.

On the Scottish referendum) I should have expected this, because if you’d asked me to estimate how many cunts there were in Scotland I’d have said about 2 million.

If you get offended by any jokes, by the way, feel free to Tweet your outrage on a mobile phone made by a ten year old in China.



_________________
Pure Publications, The Tower of Lore and the Former Admin's Office are Reasonably Proud to Present-



A Green And Pleasant Land

Compiled and annotated by Eldy.

- get your copy here for a limited period- free*

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1yjYiz8nuL3LqJ-yP9crpDKu_BH-1LwJU/view



*Pure Publications reserves the right to track your usage of this publication, snoop on your home address, go through your bins and sell personal information on to the highest bidder.
Warning may contain Wholesome Tales
[/b]

the crabbit will suffer neither sleight of hand nor half-truths. - Forest
Pettytyrant101
Pettytyrant101
Crabbitmeister

Posts : 46516
Join date : 2011-02-14
Age : 52
Location : Scotshobbitland

Back to top Go down

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] Empty Re: what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3]

Post by Eldorion Tue Feb 23, 2016 2:31 am

Laughing
Eldorion
Eldorion
You're Gonna Carry That Weight

Posts : 23311
Join date : 2011-02-13
Age : 29
Location : Maryland, United States

https://purl.org/tolkien

Back to top Go down

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] Empty Re: what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3]

Post by azriel Tue Feb 23, 2016 7:30 am

Very funny ! Laughing
He's one of my favourites in "Mock The Week" on TV Smile

_________________
"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. It's the job that's never started as takes longest to finish.”
"There are far, far, better things ahead than any we can leave behind"
If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] Th_cat%20blink_zpsesmrb2cl

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] Jean-b11
azriel
azriel
Grumpy cat, rub my tummy, hear me purr

Posts : 15469
Join date : 2012-10-07
Age : 64
Location : in a galaxy, far,far away, deep in my own imagination.

Back to top Go down

Page 1 of 40 1, 2, 3 ... 20 ... 40  Next

Back to top

- Similar topics

 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum