what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3]

SEAGOON: Gad! You mean that portion will have to be shot?
BLOODNOK: Yes, it will need a man with a steady eye, a hollow tooth and a wooden leg to bring it down.
SEAGOON: Do you know of such a man?
BLOODNOK: No, but I know a man whose advice would be invaluable to you, but, er, hmm, he'd be too expensive.
SEAGOON: Mmm. Between you and me, how much should I offer him?
BLOODNOK: Well, between you and me, his usual fee is a thousand, but in my estimation he's worth much more.
EAGOON: Two?
BLOODNOK: Three.
SEAGOON: Right. Who is he?
BLOODNOK: Me.
SEAGOON: Ahaha, Major Bloodnok, I've been told to offer you three thousand pounds.
BLOODNOK: You've been very well advised.
SEAGOON: Well now, what do you advise me to do?
BLOODNOK: First, pay me the money. Er, you have money, haven't you?
SEAGOON: Of course I have money.
BLOODNOK: Good, good.
SEAGOON: Miss Throat?
THROAT: Yes?
SEAGOON: Open my money chest and put on the gramophone record of seven thousand pounds in shillings.
THROAT: Right.
GRAMS: Coins falling onto floor one by one. Carries on for 30 seconds.
BLOODNOK: Wait a minute, that was only three thousand, five hundred pounds. Where's the rest of it?
SEAGOON: I'll play you the other side.
BLOODNOK: All right, I'll play the rest when I get home. Do have a picture of Queen Victoria please.
SEAGOON: No thanks, I'm trying to give them up.
BLOODNOK: Ohh.
SEAGOON: Now tell me, what is your advice about the Great International Christmas Pudding?
BLOODNOK: Forget all about it lad, goodbye!
(The international Christmas pudding)

Peculiar business, Blue.

I remember - vaguely - Ned's atomic dustbin.

A couple of lines but I can't remember whom, but it was something like.

1: "Is that the prototype?"

2: "No, that's the dustbin."

It was funny at the time. And in the context. Dear old departed Spike...

Yeah, I think I remember that.

Loved The Goons !!!

"General, general. The British have broken our line."
"Curse, all our washing in the mud again!"

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" She protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something"

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.

"$550.00!" she cried, "$550.00 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $5.00, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $550.00

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were inside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes.

Do you want to have some fun?"

There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

Q. What's purple and leaps from tree to tree?
A. Squirrel!

Q. Then why is it purple?
A. It choked on a nut...

The parrot one.

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