what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3]

Scandal on the opening day of the Paralympics as some of the Team GB wheelchair basketball team test positive for WD-40

The England team went to visit an orphanage in South Africa this morning,,,,,"It feels good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible," said Jamal Umboto aged six.

Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says.
Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.

you naughty prankster  

We used to have a girl in school nicknamed "thunder thighs."

Her legs weren't fat though, they were just blown off by lightning.

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a cheque."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"

"I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

Tomorrow, I'm going to open up the time capsule I made when I was a kid.

I can't wait to see how big my puppy is.

  

          

Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked and playing with himself in front of a tractor. Mick says, "Jaysus Paddy, what’re ye doing?"
Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been gettin’ on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor.....”

XX = Women

YY = Men

YYY = Delilah

I've got an unusual job. For good money I let people push me in the river. It's so much fun I laugh all the way to the bank.

Oh fook Chris, who's jokes are worse ? yours or mine ?      

 

I've decided never to buy anything off the Internet again, after getting conned last week.


I ordered what was supposed to be the world's largest cardboard box, but the one it came in was bigger.

"If you're excited at finding your name on a coke bottle, then imagine how I feel every time I go to B&Q".............. Matt White

My wife texted me: "I've found out you've been seeing another woman, you cheating bastard! I've taken my things and I'm going back to my mum's house."

"Okay, see you when you get here," I texted back.

 

Do you know why Nike designed this senior citizen model ?



To avoid this......

Spoiler:

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(thanks Chris, that one's a great response to lots of things.)