Re: what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3]

by chris63 Thu Jan 22, 2015 9:48 pm

BBC News - 100mph winds in Scotland, the coastline is being battered............Bloody hell, the Scots will deep fry anything.

by chris63 Thu Jan 22, 2015 10:14 pm

Father Dave is out fishing with one of his parishioners, when he catches a strange fish. Asking his fellow angler what it is, he's surprised to hear that it's called a Fucker. Yes, yes, it sounds rude but it's the actual name and it's in books and everything. Mollified, he takes it home, after being told that they're delicious.

Visiting him that evening are the local bishop and a Mother Superior. Intrigued by the fish, they help him clean and cook it. When they ask what it's called, he says that it's a Fucker - no, no, please don't be embarrassed, here's a book explaining it all.

Anyway, as they're about to start eating, there's a knock on the door and in comes the Pope, on a surprise inspection. He joins them for dinner and asks what they have just eaten.

"It's a big fucker I caught in the river, your holiness" says father Dave.

"And I cleaned the fucker up" says the Mother Superior.

"And I cooked the fucker" says the bishop.

"You know something?" says the Pope, putting his feet up on the table and lighting a cigarette, "You c**ts are alright!".

by chris63 Thu Jan 22, 2015 10:20 pm

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "

by chris63 Thu Jan 22, 2015 10:32 pm

What time does Andy Murray go to bed?

Tenish.

by azriel Fri Jan 23, 2015 8:35 am

by Bluebottle Sat Jan 24, 2015 4:14 pm

by azriel Sat Jan 24, 2015 8:45 pm

by Bluebottle Sun Jan 25, 2015 3:30 pm

The other day my friend was telling me that I didn’t understand what irony meant. Which is ironic, because we were standing at a bus stop.

by halfwise Sun Jan 25, 2015 11:29 pm

by Mrs Figg Mon Jan 26, 2015 12:49 am

yeah me too scratch

by Mrs Figg Mon Jan 26, 2015 12:49 am

chris63 wrote:BBC News - 100mph winds in Scotland, the coastline is being battered............Bloody hell, the Scots will deep fry anything.

by Eldorion Mon Jan 26, 2015 2:48 am

Bluebottle wrote:The other day my friend was telling me that I didn’t understand what irony meant. Which is ironic, because we were standing at a bus stop.

{{{I assume the joke is that the use of irony is incorrect here because the situation described is not actually ironic, just a random observation, which then proves the friend's comment correct.}}}

by halfwise Mon Jan 26, 2015 3:04 am

Oo..that takes some mental flexibility to get.

by David H Mon Jan 26, 2015 6:30 am

Eldorion wrote:
Bluebottle wrote:The other day my friend was telling me that I didn’t understand what irony meant. Which is ironic, because we were standing at a bus stop.

{{{I assume the joke is that the use of irony is incorrect here because the situation described is not actually ironic, just a random observation, which then proves the friend's comment correct.}}}

I assumed the speaker was Alanis Morrissette. Shrugging

by Bluebottle Mon Jan 26, 2015 9:09 am

It's cereal.. err.. cerebral. Nod

by Bluebottle Sun Feb 01, 2015 12:02 am

William: Well, sir, it's like this, see. At 12.30 a monster lorry draws up outside, ten men jump out and wallop me on the head. I turn round to see who it was, and wallop, wallop, on my head again. I stood up, you see, have a quick barder, no-one there and wallop, wallop, wallop, all on my head! As I took out my notebook, all official like, wallop! Wallop, wallop, on my head, all wallops all over my head. And then-
Seagoon: Yes, yes, yes, but did you notice anything about these men?
William: Yes.
Seagoon: What?
William: I noticed they kept walloping me on the head.

by azriel Sun Feb 01, 2015 11:43 am

by azriel Sun Feb 01, 2015 11:46 am

Sold my collection of glove puppets to a collector earlier.

He made an offer to take them off my hands.

by azriel Sun Feb 01, 2015 11:49 am

This morning, as I stood naked looking in the Mirror, I thought to myself:

"Any second now I'm gonna get chucked out of this newsagents."

by azriel Sun Feb 01, 2015 11:50 am

The inventor of disappearing ink was found hanged in his home early this morning.

In his last message to the world he wrote".....

by azriel Sun Feb 01, 2015 11:51 am

I've just taken up speed reading. Last night I did war and peace in 20 seconds.

I know it's only 3 words but it's a start!

by Eldorion Sun Feb 01, 2015 3:24 pm

to the last two

{{{ Laughing

}}}

by bungobaggins Sun Feb 01, 2015 4:01 pm

I was depressed last night so I called a self-help phone line.

Got a call centre in Afghanistan, and told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck...

by azriel Sun Feb 01, 2015 4:11 pm

by azriel Sun Feb 01, 2015 4:22 pm

I invented the sandal for people with one leg.

It was a flop.