what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3]

Makes you wonder what youve started ?

Someone ripped the pages out of both ends of my dictionary today.

It just goes from bad to worse!

azriel wrote:Makes you wonder what youve started ?

What?

David H wrote:

Bluebottle wrote:You’d think that taking the shell off a snail would make it faster but it actually makes them sluggish

I'll have to take your evidence on board.

Though I'd like to point out that that snail has not taken off it's shell, but merely moved part of it to engage some sort of propulsion system.

Since the first time Chris posted that gif, it's been my favorite of all time, closely edging out the deer eating popcorn.

It is one of my favorite GIFs. Although my personal #1 animal-themed "abandon thread" GIF is this one:

Context for the cat-copter can be found here: http://www.news.com.au/travel/travel-updates/meet-orville-the-flying-dead-stuffed-cat/story-e6frfq80-1226383126494

Also, I just want to say how much I appreciate Dave's comic timing with the snail GIF in response to Blue's comment.

I rather liked this one.

Yeah, that is a good one

Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was pulled under by a strong currant.

t is claimed that a Scottish lottery winner is hoping to buy Rangers FC.

His wife says she has no idea what he would have bought if he got a fourth number up.

was in the queue at Starbucks this morning. The man getting served in front of me asked for a mocha.
"Sorry sir, but we're out of mochas."
The guy was fuming. "I have a mocha every morning when I come in here!" he raged. "I'll just have to have a latte!" He went and sat down.

I went to the counter and said, "I'll have a large latte too, please."
They asked me for my name. I asked why they needed it and they told me that they'd write it on my cup and shout it when it was ready.

So I told them my name was Mocha.

t is claimed that a Scottish lottery winner is hoping to buy Rangers FC.

His wife says she has no idea what he would have bought if he got a fourth number up.
- Azriel

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

Did you hear about the two TV aerials that got married on a rooftop?
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant,

Rang the council today to see if I can have a skip outside my house. He said you can cartwheel around the fucking block for all I care!

Do you know why cannibals won't eat clowns?...............They taste funny!

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They've imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.

Joe says to Paddy "close your curtains next time you're having sex with your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."

Paddy says "well the jokes on them, I wasn't even at home yesterday!"