what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3]

Viking god Thor comes down to earth and spends all weekend long making love to a woman with a lisp...

As he is leaving he says.."I am Thor"...

She says..."Your thor ?...i can't even go for a pith"

Blonde takes her car to be repaired, fearing an expensive bill. But the mechanic fixes it in 2 mins, "nothin serious love, just shit in the air filter." She replies 'really.....? how often do i have to do that?

{{{ Good to see you Az! }}

I wonder how often that line has been used? Must be very tempting...

I can swallow two pieces of string and when they come out the other end, they'll be tied together. I shit you knot.

Just bought two Harry Potter brooms in Poundland… Quid-each!

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,’ she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several
long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
‘Feels great,’ he replied; ‘but I still think my thumb's broken

I buy all my furniture and bathroom fittings from a local Chinese restaurant.

Last night I ordered a Suite and Shower

The wife suggested that if I was bored during lockdown, to make a bird table.

Now she's kicking off because I've only put her in fifth place

Had to read that first one out loud to get it.

I met a dutch bird with inflatable shoes while in Amsterdam last month, I’ve just phoned her house to take her on a date but unfortunately she’s popped her clogs

Must be an expression I don't know.

{{ popped her clogs means the person has died}}

??  I suppose I must just accept it.

No worse than kicked the bucket.

why do people say "they were having kittens!" to mean angry? having kittens would be nice.

{{ Thats an old Scottish one Figg, goes back to witches and folk thinking they could control cats. They'd curse a woman filling her womb with kittens that'd try to angrily claw their way out, inducing fear and panic in the woman.  }}

I always felt the phrase worked on its own: one kitten is nice, a pack of them will drive you to distraction.

Reminds me of a sign I once saw in a store: "Unattended children will be given coffee and a free kitten."

ok, what do you call a guy with a rubber toe?

Roberto