what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3]

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Post by azriel Sun Apr 18, 2021 11:00 pm

:facepalm: Laughing

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Post by chris63 Wed Apr 21, 2021 3:08 pm

Viking god Thor comes down to earth and spends all weekend long making love to a woman with a lisp...

As he is leaving he says.."I am Thor"...

She says..."Your thor ?...i can't even go for a pith"

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Post by chris63 Wed Apr 21, 2021 3:21 pm

Blonde takes her car to be repaired, fearing an expensive bill. But the mechanic fixes it in 2 mins, "nothin serious love, just shit in the air filter." She replies 'really.....? how often do i have to do that?

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Post by halfwise Wed Apr 21, 2021 3:37 pm

Laughing

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Post by azriel Mon May 10, 2021 9:35 pm

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] - Page 37 Lobby10

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"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. It's the job that's never started as takes longest to finish.”
"There are far, far, better things ahead than any we can leave behind"
If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] - Page 37 Th_cat%20blink_zpsesmrb2cl

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] - Page 37 Jean-b11
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Post by Pettytyrant101 Mon May 10, 2021 9:37 pm

{{{ :facepalm: Laughing Good to see you Az! }}

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Post by azriel Mon May 10, 2021 9:38 pm

Very Happy Wave

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"There are far, far, better things ahead than any we can leave behind"
If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] - Page 37 Th_cat%20blink_zpsesmrb2cl

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] - Page 37 Jean-b11
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Post by halfwise Mon May 10, 2021 9:43 pm

I wonder how often that line has been used? Must be very tempting...

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Post by Mrs Figg Mon May 10, 2021 11:50 pm

Laughing :facepalm:
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Post by chris63 Sat Jul 31, 2021 6:03 am

I can swallow two pieces of string and when they come out the other end, they'll be tied together. I shit you knot.

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Post by chris63 Sat Jul 31, 2021 6:08 am

Just bought two Harry Potter brooms in Poundland… Quid-each!

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Post by chris63 Sat Jul 31, 2021 6:11 am

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,’ she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several
long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
‘Feels great,’ he replied; ‘but I still think my thumb's broken

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Post by halfwise Sat Jul 31, 2021 11:53 am

Laughing

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Post by Mrs Figg Sat Jul 31, 2021 1:16 pm

Laughing
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Post by chris63 Wed Aug 18, 2021 1:57 pm

I buy all my furniture and bathroom fittings from a local Chinese restaurant.

Last night I ordered a Suite and Shower

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Post by chris63 Wed Aug 18, 2021 1:59 pm

The wife suggested that if I was bored during lockdown, to make a bird table.

Now she's kicking off because I've only put her in fifth place

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Post by halfwise Wed Aug 18, 2021 3:16 pm

Had to read that first one out loud to get it.

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Post by chris63 Wed Sep 01, 2021 10:28 am

I met a dutch bird with inflatable shoes while in Amsterdam last month, I’ve just phoned her house to take her on a date but unfortunately she’s popped her clogs

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Post by halfwise Wed Sep 01, 2021 11:33 am

Must be an expression I don't know.

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Post by Pettytyrant101 Wed Sep 01, 2021 11:38 am

{{ popped her clogs means the person has died}}

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Post by halfwise Wed Sep 01, 2021 12:38 pm

??  I suppose I must just accept it.

No worse than kicked the bucket.

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Post by Mrs Figg Wed Sep 01, 2021 2:09 pm

why do people say "they were having kittens!" to mean angry? having kittens would be nice. scratch
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Post by Pettytyrant101 Wed Sep 01, 2021 2:48 pm

{{ Thats an old Scottish one Figg, goes back to witches and folk thinking they could control cats. They'd curse a woman filling her womb with kittens that'd try to angrily claw their way out, inducing fear and panic in the woman.  }}

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Post by halfwise Wed Sep 01, 2021 3:36 pm

I always felt the phrase worked on its own: one kitten is nice, a pack of them will drive you to distraction.

Reminds me of a sign I once saw in a store: "Unattended children will be given coffee and a free kitten."

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Post by Mrs Figg Tue Sep 07, 2021 4:16 pm

ok, what do you call a guy with a rubber toe?

Roberto

:facepalm:
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