what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3]

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL
HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
"I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO."

I saw a german take-off on fairy tales, where the evil queen was blonde and insisted that everybody tell brunette jokes. The problem was they had to keep explaining them to her.

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

Is a peakaboo also some kind of conveyance in Ozzie speak?

Conveyance?

Peekaboo is a game you usually play with little kids.


noun
a game played with a young child, which involves hiding and suddenly reappearing, saying ‘peekaboo’.

Drank a bottle of invisible ink yesterday.
Spent the day in A and E waiting to be seen.

Trying to tie it to an accident worthy of an ICU. The game doesn't do it.

I got it.

Oh I got it immediately, but didn't see how a baby game could get you laid up in the hospital, so it didn't work for me.

At least the ink joke had the underlying social commentary of health care issues, substance abuse and/or child endangerment.

Regular barrel of laughs you two.

A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

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A Scot walks into a chemists shop (pharmacy) and reaches into his sporran. He pulls out a well used prophylactic and slaps it down on the counter and says to the pharmacist “How much to repair that?”

The pharmacist picked it up, poured some water in and watched a drop form at the tip. He replied, “Ach laddie you’re right, it’s got a bit of a hole. A bit of latex and a bit of rubber cement I could repair for around ten pence but it would only cost fifteen for a brand new one”

The Scot reaches across the counter, picks it up, puts it back in his sporran and says “ I’ll take under advisement. Be back in a day or two.” and out the door he goes.

Two days later he comes back in, the pharmacist looks at him and says “You’re back. Have you decided what you’re going to do?”. The Scot replies “Aye, the regiment has decided upon replacement.”.

My friend asked me,”Why are you carrying a 9 foot book?”

I said,”It’s a long story.”

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went for a job at subway today, sadly the roll had already been filled

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The security guard in Tesco caught me stealing a turkey and said "What are you doing with that?"

"Potatoes, sprouts and carrots" I replied.