what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3]

That sounds frightening Leelee !! Id run also. I don't what the fun is in clowns ? and why the feck you'de hire one for a childs party IL never know, unless you hated the kid

Buying a Chinese takeaway £28

Petrol used for collection £2

Getting home and realizing the numpties had forgotten
to put in one of the containers

Riceless

Been looking after my mate's pet python and I left it overnight in my chest freezer.

I think I'll just give it to him straight.

This girl went to the doctors with a chesty cough.

The doctor got his stethoscope out, put it to her breasts and said "Right....big breaths"

She replied "Yeth, and I'm not thixteen yet"



Woman goes into a dry cleaners, pulls a dress out of a bag and says

"Can you get these stains out for me"

The woman behind the counter didn't quite catch what she said, so she asked

"Come again"

Woman says, "No it's salad cream"

Oh gawd !

A chemist walked into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall. "What's wrong with him?" he asked his assistant.
The assistant replies "He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn't find any so I gave him a bottle of laxatives."
"You fucking idiot" said the chemist "You can't treat a cough with laxatives"
"Of course you can" replied the assistant "Look at him; he daren't fucking cough now!"

{{{ }}}

""Buying a Chinese takeaway £28

Petrol used for collection £2

Getting home and realizing the numpties had forgotten
to put in one of the containers

Riceless""
""Been looking after my mate's pet python and I left it overnight in my chest freezer.

I think I'll just give it to him straight.""...................... Chris.

I liked it even better 2nd time

I like that one!

{{{This years top 15 jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe as voted for by the public, enjoy }}

1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng

2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle

3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle

4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" - Lew Fitz

5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field

6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons

7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeoin

8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne

9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel

10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King

11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes

12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff

13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang

14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess

15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine

I don't get #6. Maybe it's a language difference.

{{Regional joke- Harvester are a big UK restaurant chain }}}

My favourite is number 9
Frankie Boyle & Ed Byrne, always funny & number 14 has gotta make you think

I had dinner with the chess world champion once.
Took him 8 minutes to pass the salt !

A married couple are on holiday in Wales, and they stop for lunch at the famous town of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.



The husband calls over the waitress and asks, "I was wondering if you could settle an argument, how exactly do you pronounce this place?"



The waitress looks at him and says, "Burger King."

A Kiwi and an Aussie were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.



After a while the Aussie says to the Kiwi, "If I was to sneak over to your house and made wild passionate love to your wife while you were off fishing, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?"



The Kiwi crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.



Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about related, but it sure would make us even."

I filled my car with petrol last night.



Bit stupid really, most of it poured out when I opened the door.

azriel wrote:A Kiwi and an Aussie were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.

After a while the Aussie says to the Kiwi, "If I was to sneak over to your house and made wild passionate love to your wife while you were off fishing, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?"

The Kiwi crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.

Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about related, but it sure would make us even."

A man goes to the doctor. He said, "Doc, I think there may be something wrong with the pills you gave me last time."



The doctor peered over his glasses, "Why do you think that Mr Jones?"



"I keep veering to the left, then to the right."



"I shouldn't worry about that," replied the doctor. "Those are just side effects."

My missus has just told me she has broken her sat nav and wants £150 for a new one.



Well she can get lost !!!

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2.30am, can you believe that, 2.30am?



Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums

The thing about Workaholics Anonymous is that if you have time to come to the meetings, you don't really have a problem