what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3]

Wise man once said:

Yer were foolish once and you'll be foolish yit.

Did the punchline fall off that last one? (see, I can do sarcastic crabbit too! )

I think he was talking about you.

Nagual wrote:My ex had 12 nipples. Thinking though, it does sound a bit funny dozen tit?

 oh give me strength!

Pettytyrant101 wrote:Did the punchline fall off that last one? (see, I can do sarcastic crabbit too! )

My dear boy. My dear, dear, boy. I am the High Caster of Sar. Put it this way, your level of casting Sar is around the same as my level of describing in great critique, films and TV programs reviews.

your level of casting Sar is around the same as my level of describing in great critique, films and TV programs reviews.- Nagual

Bugger Thats a really low level of sar crabbit (lucky I have so much of the traditional sort )

Bloodnok: What a strange sight it must have been. Me and the dusky beauty tangoing through the dense jungle on foot.
Native Woman: I only had eyes for him and he only had eyes for me.
Bloodnok: That explains why we fell over a cliff.
(The African incident)

Reminds me of the old joke from the Bill Clinton/Monica Lewinsky days (for those who were not in this country then, she was his young aide famous for giving him a blowjob in the oval office):

"The Center for Disease Control has announced the discovery that you can get sex from aides."

"Sybil leafed through a small pile of pastel envelopes that had been inserted into her breakfast tray. ‘Well, the news has got around,’ she said. ‘The Duchess of Keepsake has invited us to a ball, Sir Henry and Lady Withering have invited us to a ball, and Lord and Lady Hangfinger have invited us to, yes, a ball!’
‘Well,’ said Vimes, ‘that’s a lot of—’
‘Don’t you dare, Sam!’ his wife warned and Vimes finished lamely, ‘… invitations?’"

judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?'

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

The judge said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?'

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Lena was hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reported for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains ofTickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena . "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you

yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball."

Man: "That's nice."

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "That's my dad outside."

Man: "How much did you say the baseball was again?"

Boy: "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball glove."

Man: "That's nice."

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "I think I just remembered something I needed to tell my dad."

Man: "How much did you say the glove was again?"

Boy: "$750."

Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!"

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says, "$1,000."

The father says, "It's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

to all of those, especially the last one.

I like the last one best also

the two test tickle really tickled my fancy