what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3]

Liked the Scottish one !

You are always told to "Wear something bright at night" on the TV and magazines.

Last night, when I went to the shop, I wore a white hat, white coat and white trousers. I got hit by a fucking snowplough.

The jumper I got for Christmas kept picking up static electricity so I took it back to the shop and exchanged it for another one free of charge.

Some guy knocked on my door today and said, "I have a parcel for your next door neighbour."

I said, "You've got the wrong house then, mate."

Apparently, towels are the biggest cause of dry skin.

Ponderisms:

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

those are great

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

that's a good question.

If I was a Doctor I'd let you undress in front of me. I guess I'm not old fashioned. Btw I liked the electricity morality one.

Well in most cases you are changing into a gown so the doctor only has to see the jiggly bits when absolutely necessary. And what are doctors supposed to do while you are getting undressed, produce a running commentary?

Not that I condone that sort of thing but, by heck you got away with it There's me scared shitless of putting "bad taste" jokes up for fear of eternal banishment & Eldo goes & beats me to it !

Going by that, if it was male kanga's theyde never get off the ground !

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.' She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.' She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do a about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.' The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!' 'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a man blush. When they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm not a catholic.'

The nun says, 'That's OK......My name is Gary

and I'm going to a Halloween party.'

Didn't't actually see that coming.

Kangaroos do have "tits"!   

Bloody unscientific nonsense!

That is funny, my dear.