what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3]

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Post by azriel Mon Aug 25, 2014 11:11 pm

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"

"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."

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"There are far, far, better things ahead than any we can leave behind"
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Post by azriel Mon Aug 25, 2014 11:16 pm

There was a church that had a bell that no one could ring. One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. He went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The priest gave him the job.

One Sunday, the boy ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed, so he fell off the tower and died.

"Congregation," the priest said before the assembled masses. "Does anybody know this boy's name? I don't know him, but his face rings a bell."

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"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. It's the job that's never started as takes longest to finish.”
"There are far, far, better things ahead than any we can leave behind"
If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got

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Post by Mrs Figg Mon Aug 25, 2014 11:24 pm

:facepalm: Laughing
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Post by halfwise Tue Aug 26, 2014 1:14 am

azriel wrote:A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"

"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."

slap laugh

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Post by chris63 Thu Aug 28, 2014 6:27 am

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Post by halfwise Thu Aug 28, 2014 11:05 am

Very Happy

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Post by Mrs Figg Thu Aug 28, 2014 2:39 pm

Very Happy
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Post by chris63 Thu Aug 28, 2014 7:43 pm

How do you get two whales in a Mini...



Down the A494 via the M56

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Post by azriel Thu Aug 28, 2014 7:45 pm

Oh fook ! Razz

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Post by chris63 Thu Aug 28, 2014 8:31 pm

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Post by azriel Thu Aug 28, 2014 8:56 pm

:facepalm:

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Post by Bluebottle Sun Aug 31, 2014 6:22 pm

It's a bit long, and should be heard rather than read really, but it's a great example of Goon Show humour. Very Happy

Seagoon: Mr. Crun, sir, open this door at once!
Crun: I can't, it's locked, and the key's lost.
Seagoon: Curse, the door's locked.
Crun: Try the window that's open.
Seagoon: Right.
FX: [Tries to open a locked wooden window frame]
Seagoon: Oh curse! The window's locked as well.
Crun: It's open.
Seagoon: It's locked. Come out and see for yourself!
Crun: I will.
FX: [Door opened and shut]
Crun: Now, let me try it.
FX: [Tries to open a locked wooden window frame]
Crun: [Struggles] You're right, you know, the window is locked. What a state of affairs, the window and the door.
Eccles: Oh, I'll go inside and open it.
Seagoon: Bravo!
Eccles: Okay.
FX: [Door opened and shut]
Eccles: [From inside] Hello, Mr. Crun? It's no good, the window's locked from the inside as well.
Seagoon: Here's a fine how do you do!
Crun: Where?
Seagoon: Are you sure you can't find the key to the door?
Crun: My dear military gentleman, come inside and look for yourself.
Seagoon: Right. Lead on!
FX: [Door opened and shut]
Crun: Now, it used to hang on the nail behind this door.
Seagoon: Well, it's certainly not there. Looks as if we're locked out.
FX: [Three knocks on door]
Crun: Who's there?
Eccles: It's me, Eccles. I got the window open! If you come out you can crawl in through it
Crun: We can't come out, the door's locked and we've lost the key.
Eccles: Oooh, can I come in and help look for it?
FX: [Door opens]
Crun: Of course, come in.
FX: [Door shuts]
Eccles: Thank you.
Crun: Now let me see. Aughhh! Eureka! Symphavidalis! I found it! It was in my pocket all the time!
Seagoon: Good show.
FX: [Key being turned in lock]
Crun: Now, I'll just unlock the door and let them in.
FX: [Door opened]
Crun: Good heavens! All that trouble for nothing!
Seagoon: Why?
Crun: There's nobody out here!
Seagoon: The fools must have got impatient and run away.

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Post by bungobaggins Sat Sep 06, 2014 4:48 am

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Post by Pettytyrant101 Sat Sep 06, 2014 11:34 am

Thats probably in very bad taste Bungo! ( Laughing )

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Post by azriel Sat Sep 06, 2014 11:38 am

Wheres me post gone scratch I like the Goons joke Blue, so typical of them ! subtle lunacy Laughing

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Post by Pettytyrant101 Sat Sep 06, 2014 11:39 am

Missing a post Azriel? Oh dear I hope Orwell has not been and blundered again like he did with Daves post that time. Aussies! Mad

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Post by azriel Sat Sep 06, 2014 11:43 am

Mmm, can never wholly trust people that live upside down most of the time...... Laughing

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Post by Bluebottle Sun Sep 07, 2014 3:59 pm

azriel wrote:I like the Goons joke Blue, so typical of them ! subtle lunacy Laughing

Well, that's good to hear. Smile

I love those moments. Though i think Spike Milligan said somewhere he mostly wrote them if one of the episodes were running short. So he might very well have people walking up and down the stairs 4 or 5 times to fill up the needed running time. Laughing

Here's another I posted a while ago as it reminded me of Petty and Figgs relationship.  Very Happy

FX:
[Pen scratching paper, over.]

Crun:
Er, now, now, now [mutters], what next? Now um, [reads] Mister Patrick Murphy, of no fixed abodee, sevenpence-ha'penny behind in his rent. Mrs....

Bannister:
[off] Henry, er...

Crun:
[writing stops] What, what, what?

Bannister:
[off] Oh, [mutters, lip smacking]. Henreee!

Crun:
Ah, drat that modern melody-woman.

Bannister:
[off] Yim-bom-biddle... [silly singing, pauses]. Pfwo-o-ow!

Crun:
What do you, what? What is it Min?

Bannister:
[off] That cat wants to go out.

Crun:
What makes you think that, Min?

Bannister:
[off] He's just put his hat and coat on. Ooooh...

Crun:
Dear oh dear. Why do we have to have a loony moggie that insists on wearing a hat and coat? Why can't he be like other cats and just wear a knitted pullover, I tell you? Now, where was I..

Bannister:
[off, interrupts] Because the dog's wearing the pullover, you know that.

Crun:
Oooh...

Bannister:
[off] It's his turn to have the pullover, you know that.

Crun and Bannister:
[muttered exchanges]

Crun:
Now, back to my writing...

FX:
[Pen scratching paper.]

Crun:
Mrs. Spon, eleven and fourpence.

Bannister:
[off] Henry! Henreeee!

Crun:
What is it now, Minnie?

Bannister:
[off] Can't you hear, Henry, there's no-one knocking at the door.

Crun:
Then I won't answer it, Min. You never know who it might not be.

Bannister:
[off] Aaaaaaah! But it might not be somebody we know.

Crun:
Oh, then I'd better see who isn't there.

FX:
[Door opens.]

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Post by azriel Sun Sep 07, 2014 6:24 pm

Yep, thats typical Nod Laughing

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Post by Orwell Mon Sep 08, 2014 12:02 pm

I prefer my humour sensible and straight and less ridiculous.

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Post by halfwise Mon Sep 08, 2014 1:09 pm

Feeling a bit bored were we, Orwell?

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Post by Pettytyrant101 Mon Sep 08, 2014 1:56 pm

Nice to see a good old fashioned Forumshire spam run again Twisted Evil

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Post by halfwise Tue Sep 09, 2014 12:28 am

One step away from a double spam run in a single day (perhaps a record?) and Ole O can't bring himself to drop in on the Joke Thread. We're just sitting here tempting you...come'on old chap...

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Post by Orwell Tue Sep 09, 2014 1:33 am

I surely have no idea what is being implied here. Shrugging

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Post by azriel Wed Sep 10, 2014 5:03 pm

"A cowboy rides his horse up to a saloon.

All the patrons gawked as the cowboy kissed his horse on the butt before coming in and asking for a drink.

The bartender serves him and asks, "Mind if I ask why'd ya kiss your horse on the butt?"

The cowboy says, "It's 'cause I got chapped lips."

The bartender asks, "Does manure help them heal?"

Cowboy replies, "No, but it keeps me from licking them."

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If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got

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