what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3]

chris63 wrote:

 

 

 

Two priests are out driving one day when they get pulled over by a police officer.

The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver "Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters"

The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says:

"Alright officer, we'll do it"

  

Me, my wife and our 2 children have always got the shits. Runs in the family.

I stormed out after I had a massive barny with my wife, all because I wouldn't help with the spring cleaning. I'll wait til the dust settles before I go back.

I'll never learn how to skydive. I lose all concentration with the instructor breathing down my neck the whole time.

my wife said I only want sex when im drunk.i said that's not true sometimes I want a kebab

Yesterday I had 3 bacon sarnies for breakfast, I ate 4 ham rolls and 2 pork pies for lunch, then I had gammon and sausages for tea. Pigged out all day I did.

I've suddenly decided i'm never going to eat a hot christmas dinner ever again. I'm going cold turkey.

Just got back from the doctors. He said I'm gonna die soon unless I stop putting oxo cubes in my bath. I think you only live once, so I've got one foot in the gravy already.

What do you call a man that cries when he has a wank...a tearjerker

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend ......wiped his arse

What do you call a IT teacher that abuses his students......a PDF file

     Your a nutter !

Something for Petty on the dance floor.

Very good! He won't have to rely on a chicken to hold his buckie anymore.

And that chicken is always dipping its beak in my buckie too   

Getting my mother-in-law to accept a free foreign holiday was easy. The hard part was convincing her Dignitas was Swiss for spa.

I’m not saying the mother-in-law’s ugly but she went to see that film the Elephant Man and the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.

MY mother-in-law is a big woman. She got run over last week. The driver said he had enough room to get around her but he didn’t have enough petrol.

  (especially the last one)

took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud’s Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said, ‘Keep her moving sir, we’re stock-taking’

“I haven’t spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months. I don’t like to interrupt her.”

“My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we’re having a change. We’re going to let her in.”

Keep her moving sir, we’re stock-taking’


  

What do you call a vertically challenged person who's escaped from a high security prison & can commune with the dead ?

A small medium at large

 

i loved that joke