what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3]

Two Italian men get on a bus. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady idignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

  

  

 But Kirk doesn't lay a glove on the master-

Wife: 'And what's more I know you've been having an affair with that Welsh tart from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.'

Husband: 'How can you say that?'

 

Oh me gawd    

George Osborne saw a little old lady struggling with two heavy bags of shopping,

"You shouldn't be struggling with those two bags of shopping, let me help," he said.

So he halved her pension so she could only afford one in future.

............................................................................................................................

"So, what's your story then?" My date asked. "Been married, kids?"

"Well I used to be." I said. "No kids and my wife passed away. She drowned."

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry." She gasped. "Recently?"


"Quite recent." I replied. "My sleeves are still wet."

 

I went to the doctor with an echo in my ears.

He gave me a repeat prescription.
............................................................

A man goes to the doctors. He said, "Doc, I can't stop buying raffle tickets drawn from a hat."

The doctor's eye's widened, "I'm sorry Mr Jones we'll need to put you in an isolation unit straight away."

"Whys that doc?" stuttered the man.

"I'm afraid you've got the British strain of a highly contagious virus." Replied the doctor donning a mask.

"What is it doc?" gulped the man.

"Tombola." said the doctor.

I am devastated, got sacked from my job at the nursing home today for making sure all the old ladies bottoms were spotlessly clean

Well apparently that's not part of the electricians job...

I'm ashamed to say I ran away leaving her in that hospital bed holding the baby,
I'm just not ready to be an uncle...

 

I've been driving for about 9 years now.

I'm bloody knackered
....................................................

 

Every year the TV channel Dave awards a prize to funniest one liners at the Edinburgh Fringe Comedy festival, and here they are-



"I've decided to sell my Hoover... well, it was just collecting dust" - Tim Vine.

"I've written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn't fit it into my set" - Masai Graham.

"Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me. Which is why he lost his job in disaster relief" - Mark Watson.

"I was given some Sudoku toilet paper. It didn't work. You could only fill it in with number ones and number twos" - Bec Hill.

"I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn't let me" - Ria Lina.

"Money can't buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal" - Paul F Taylor.

"Scotland had oil, but it's running out thanks to all that deep frying" - Scott Capurro.

"I've been married for 10 years, I haven't made a decision for seven" - Jason Cook.

"This show is about perception and perspective. But it depends how you look at it" - Felicity Ward.

    I particularly like Tim Vine

He won the award for best one liner with that one   

(I like the badger one)

"Any spare change,mate?" Said this homeless man.

"No,sorry" I replied.

"You must have some change somewhere in that big bag of yours."

"No sorry,no change mate..How about a note instead?"

"That would be so kind." He said.

So I wrote,I DON'T HAVE ANY CHANGE on a small piece of paper and handed it to him.

Two men have been arrested at a Thai dye factory for serial fraud.

Local Police said it took them a while to see a pattern.

I took my son to the local track to learn to ride his bike, he soon got the hang of it when the train came...

Those cross-ties are murder on a bicycle