what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3]

A woman is on trial for murdering her husband with his guitar collection. The Judge asks, "First offender?"

She answers, "No, first the Gibson, then I finished him with the Fender"

A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors.

'Doctor, I don't feel too good,' said the little Paper bag.

'Hmm, you look OK to me,' said the Doctor, 'but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows,
Come back and see me in a couple of days.'

The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.
'What's wrong with me?' asked the little paper bag.

'I'm afraid you are HIV positive!' said the doctor.

'No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!' Said the little paper bag.

'Have you been having unprotected sex?' asked the doctor.

'NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!'

'Well have you been sharing needles with other Intravenous drug users?' asked the doctor.

'NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!'

'Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a Jab or a blood transfusion?' queried the doctor.

'NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!'

'Well', said the doctor, 'are you in a homosexual Relationship?'

'NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm Just a little paper bag!'

'Then there can be only one explanation.' said the doctor

'Your mother must have been a carrier.'

Young lad going on his first date. His dad see's him off saying "don't forget to wear". .... His son buts in "Daaaaad, I know..... a condom" dad replys..... "A hat you ginger freek!"

A teacher asked his class to make a sentence using the word 'contagious'.

'Measles is contagious' said one pupil.

'Mumps is contagious' said another.

Johnny down the back stuck up his hand...

'Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush. My Daddy says it'll take the contagious to do it!'

that last one was hilarious

chris63 wrote:A teacher asked his class to make a sentence using the word 'contagious'.

'Measles is contagious' said one pupil.

'Mumps is contagious' said another.

Johnny down the back stuck up his hand...

'Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush. My Daddy says it'll take the contagious to do it!'

What's the pun?

I'm not sure I should say..

Spoiler:

Yep Blue that was it !
its all in how you say it

https://i.imgur.com/gSCPkCy

phew ! God !

There's probably more.

Citizen: Socrates, you are really annoying.
Socrates: Interesting argument. Can you tell me what is 'annoying'?
Citizen: The way you ask all these stupid questions, that's annoying.
Socrates: Would you say that a fly buzzing by your ear is also annoying?
Citizen: Yes, I would say that is annoying.
Socrates: But you define annoyance as asking questions, and a fly doesn't ask questions, so do you really know what annoyance is?
Citizen: I guess I don't know how to explain it.
Socrates: If you don't know what annoyance really is well enough to explain it, how can you be certain, then, that I am annoying?
Citizen: I am going to scream

Lucky ole Socrates didnt try that one out in Glasgow.

Citizen: (headbutts Socrates in the face) see I only nut people who annoy me, ergo you are annoying. Philosiphy your way out of that one, once your out of Casuality.

Well, they did make him drink poison. Their just a bit more subtle your ancient Atheneans.

Went to the doctor's this morning for a prostrate examination.

"Don't be embarrassed", He said, "Taking trousers off is normal for this type of procedure."

"Erm...Ok", I replied, "Should I take mine off as well?"