what sort of jokes can I get away with? [2]

 

 Ah we've missed you Aziel- glad your back.

You know az is back when this thread becomes active again.

Ringdrotten wrote:
{{{{Better encrypt that last joke, lest Bluebottle reads it! }}}}

(I don't mind at all really.  )

Oh good !   Ive got a few more up my sleeve !
Hello Bluebottle !

Hello Azriel!

I wasn't here when you took your break from posting, but I had been reading a bit before I got around to posting myself. So I am aware of your long awaited return. It's good to have you back.  

Now don't hold anything back on account of me.  

Mrs Figg wrote:

halfwise wrote:I have to admit it took me a couple goes before I got that one.  I thought I was deeper in the gutter than that.

''We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.” Oscar Wilde

Andy Millman: "He was probably looking up at men's trousers, the old poof..."

 

 

whats the difference between a politician & a trampoline ?
you take your shoes off before jumping on a trampoline.

What do you have when a politician is buried up to his neck in wet cement ?
not enough cement.

How do you get a politician out of a tree?
cut the rope.

 

Good to have you back, Az.

Okay, in the same line, I'm gonna tell some viola jokes for Norc.

What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

How do you tell when the stage is level?
The viola players drool out of both sides of their mouth.

What's the difference between a viola and a violin?
a. The viola burns longer.
b. You can tune a violin.

What's the difference between a viola case and a coffin?
The coffin has the dead person on the inside.

What do you do with a dead violist?
Move her back a row.

What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
you take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

How do you get the viola section to play with verve and energy?
Take a whole note and mark it 'solo'.

Why is a viola solo like a bomb?
By the time you hear it, it's too late to do anything about it.

What's the definition of a minor second?
Two violists playing in unison.

What's the definition of "perfect pitch"?
Tossing a viola in a garbage dumpster without hitting the rim.

Why do so many people takes an instant dislike to violas?
It saves time.

How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune?
The bow is moving.

Why do violists leave their instrument cases on the dashboard of their cars?
So they can park in handicapped spaces.

Why shouldn't violists take up mountaineering?
Because if they get lost it will take ages before anyone notices they are missing.

What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a crushed viola in the road?
Skid marks before the skunk.

If you throw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first?
a. The violist. The soprano would have to stop halfway down to ask directions.
b. Who cares?

A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why?
The conductor. Business before pleasure.

What is the range of a Viola?
As far as you can kick it.

Why shouldn't you drive off a cliff in a mini cooper with three violas in it?
You could fit in at least one more.

Okay, enough for today, getting tired.  May resume tomorrow.

oh for fuck sakes!!!!!

Yeah, I apologize for not finishing.   It will probably take a week to get through all the viola jokes out there, I think there may be more of them than lawyer jokes!

Some people certainly have some strong views on the viola.   

Though I guess I should say something about the kind of jokes one can make about sackbuts and the shingle of broken glass in glass houses.

sackbutts are their own joke, though I wonder if there's any extant medieval jokes about them?

I'm not really sure why people dislike violas, but

i know.. we're like the violin's brother with downs.. who get the lazy parts... and unimportant parts.. the filling

there is also this thing that when brass player lost their teeth they were re-schooled to viola-players.. so from mozart's time they never were really good and the pieces weren't very.. challenging. not kidding. we're playing this thing with this symphony orchestra. we play, for like over 60 bars, a loose A, then after that, same amount of A only a darker one, using one finger. i think we play around five different notes...

it's seriously pre-school stuff.

Norc wrote:i know.. we're like the violin's brother with downs.. who get the lazy parts... and unimportant parts.. the filling

{{{Sorry...}}}

 

I couldn't help myself. Your description was too funny!

A Mexican bandit made a habit of crossing the Rio grande expressly to rob banks in Texas. a reward was finally offered for his capture "Dead or alive!". A trigger happy, enterprising young Texas Ranger decided to track down the bandit & collect the reward himself. after a lengthy search, the Ranger tracked the bandit to his favourite cantina & snuck up behind him.
"Your under arrest! tell me where you hid the loot or Ill drop you were you stand" shouted the Ranger as the surprised bandit swung round. However, the bandit didnt speak English & the Ranger didnt speak Spanish. Fortunately for the Ranger, a bilingual lawyer was present in the same cantina & translated the Rangers demands to the bandit. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried next to an old oak tree behind the cantina.
"What did he say, what did he say ?!" screamed the Ranger, getting trigger itchy. To which the lawyer replied, "Well, the best I can make out he said was............Draw!"

Any string instrument in the wrong hands can be a dangerous weapon.