what sort of jokes can I get away with?

A brain walks into a bar, asks for a beer, The barman says "Im not serving you, your outa your head!"
Jesus goes into an Inn,with 2 planks of wood & a bag of nails. He says to the Inn keeper, "can you put me up for the night?"

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman find a wizard on the top of a tall cliff. The wizard orders them to jump off the cliff, but he also promises that if they say anything while falling, they will get it at the bottom of the cliff.

So first, the Englishman jumps off the cliff and shouts, "Pillows!" and so he lands on some pillows.

Then the Scotsman jumps off the cliff, and he shouts, "Hay!" and so he lands on some hay.

Finally the Irishman runs to jump off the cliff, but he trips on a rock just before the jump and says, "Aw, crap!"

Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".

So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."

"What? He had two arseholes?" asked the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes....'"

I was in the local swimming baths today & decided to take a sneaky piss in the deep end. The life guard must have noticed. He blew his whistle SO effing hard I nearly fell in !!

hehe ..

Im happy my jokes past muster,Ive got loads more, Thanks for the "thumbs up"!

The swimming pool one took me a second.

Thanks for posting your jokes Azriel, they're good.

I have a few.. though i would have to translate them and I think a lot of the humor would be lost in translation.

I think you should have a go Norc ! Id love to hear them.
And thankyou Eldorion !

they'd be erm... dreary...

No,they wouldnt, you think that way cos you think your sense of humour is maybe different? I say its refreshing!,to hear jokes from around the world!
"When a fly hits the windscreen at 100mph,what goes thru his mind?"
"His ARSE!"

no, it has to do with the metaphors and language and the general stereotype (southernrs, sweeds and so on) and yeah... but I'll see if I can find anyone ^^ meanwhile a joke only fjordians might understand.

it's not the fart that kills you, it's the smell - rally driver, Petter Solberg (or it is a myth i dunno)

What do you call a mushroom with a 10inch penis ?

A fungi to be with.

My nosy neighbour popped his head over the fence and said, "How did your trip to Amsterdam go?"

I said, "It was ok. I smoked loads of weed. Met a beautiful woman. Fantastic figure, intelligent, and a great personality. In fact she reminded me of your wife a bit."

He laughed and said, "Which bit?"

I said, "The bit where she charges for sex."

Studies have shown that guys with small penises can have just as much fun in the bedroom.

Just buy an XBox

The BBC News channel just displayed images of the three women who claimed that Jimmy Savile interfered with them sexually. They showed a current picture of each of the women and a picture taken of each of them from the 1970s.

The caption read: Now, then. Now, then. Now, then.

Oh dear! Saville jokes! {{Ok I admit I sniggered at that}}}

I was going to tell a gay joke, butt fuck it.

Norc

Shouldn't that be 'Gay', not 'gay'... If not, I don't get it! Let me see, "I was going to tell a gay joke, butt I don't feel in the mood for one." No, that's not funny. What about, "I wasn't going to tell a gay joke, but everybody laughed.' No, that doesn't work either. Norc do you mind if I change it to 'Gay'? It'll work better that way.