Hi my name is Figg, Mrs Figg.

There there, lassie, you're fittin' in just fine... just fine.... {{{More than fine! }}}

When the clans get riled up you just have to keep a firm hand (not around an eel though; that might give them ideas! ).

Well I can see in my unfortuntate period whilst under the influence of the evil buckie things have been allowed to fester in this place. Most of the preceding posts on here are a disgrace.
Poor Mrs Figg comes to visit from Bree and is treated to scandal, rumour and idle gossip. No doubt fuelled by the evil of drink. Well no longer!
I must say Eldo for an Admin and a personage brought up in the eyes of Illuvatar your morality seems somewhat lax and your sense of humour not befitting one of your position.
As to Orwell, he clearly is one whom the darkness of buckie has touched turning him into a deranged pervert with salicous thoughts. This sort of thing will no longer be tolerated by me.

Mrs Figg, let me, on behalf of the moral backbone of Forumshire, apologise prefusely for the standard of comment that has greeted your arrival. It is simply not good enough and the mater will be rectified. There is far too much so called fun happening around here.

Are you sure that buckie is to blame for Orwell's ... ah, quirks? I thought that was more just who he is.

It bears all the hallmarks of Buckie Eldo. I should know how it provocks the desire but lets one done at the finish! Sounds very like Orwell to me.

I came here to the Shire
with hope in my heart
and I was welcomed with
a buckie smelling f....
the clans they were tighter
than a scotshobbits purse
the lady hobbits ignore me
and I couldnt feel worse
so woe is me in this odd land
ill go back to Bree, eel in hand.

What? You cannot possibly be considering leaving Mrs Figg. I am looking forwrd in my sobriety to welcoming you fully and learning of your eel skills, which Odo tells me are prestigous.
Slow times and the previous mad goings on of myself or others, Orwell especially, may have given you the wrongful impression of being spurned in some fashion. But I do say you are quite wrong Mrs Figg, do not vacate Forumshire so soon after lighting up its dark days. The place would not be the same without you already. And drunk or sober all members are welcome valued members.

if theres a welcome in the gloamin
ill stop my roamin
travellin from Bree to Shire
I will never tire

I'm only just home from the Shiriff's office, Mrs Figg (it's 12.50am and like the rest of the clan, must retire), but I've already taken to keeping a fond eye on you (two when I can) and have to congratulate you on being a feisty woman (not like most of the pale excuses for women in Forumshire ). Any woman with as many pussies as you can only be excitingly interesting. (Folk are especially fond of pussies here. You just HAVE TO check out the Lolcats thread! ) Please don't feel neglected, you're very welcome here!

Sadly, though, I'm off to bed, where all good Bankses should be just now... It's very late (or early????)! Good night!

dear Mirabella banks
thanks
I was a wuss
a silly little puss
I was only jokin
controversy stokin
I like it in the Shire
so no more fuss
or ill get a pokin
from petty n orwell
shirelanders fell
with goaty smell

Phew! You had me worried there for a bit, Mrs Figg.

sometimes you Shirefolk need pokin with a pointy stick or you start sleepin on the job, and thats unfortunate as some of ye are big chaps. nearly the size of oliphants

BIG!!!! So noticeable, is it? Oh dear! I keep trying to get myself back on the diet - but I can't seem to motivate myself... (The sad thing is - what I'm sayin' is soooo trooooo.... There'll clearly be no Mrs Figg pokin' the way I'm goin', what with both age and weight creepin' up on me! )

Are you saying Orwell is an embarrassing pig? (I guess if the snout fits... )

that Orwells a saucy un thats fer sure.

He's full of sauce, that's true. And like a lot of agin' folk he's out on the look out for younger women! Disgusting! You take care, Mrs Figg. After your (presumedly?) recent separation from Mr Figg, I fear you are vulnerable from such old and wily (and paunchy) menfolk! Venerable, is the word I'd use, though not as in "wise" (except in the ways of sauce ), no, I mean as in "wrinkly".

{{{Thanks a lot, Odo. Talkn about cramp an Ozhobbit's style... and my Missus might chance to look over my shoulder some time, so let's this... well, you know... wink wink nudge nudge... that kind of thing. I could of course talk about your Swedish au pair girl - if you want me too... and your kitchen help... and the maid...if you know what I mean... }}}

{{{I'm surwe I have exactly NO idea what you're on about, Orwell! But alright. But ony to keep the Peace between us!}}}

Mrs Figg, I've been thinking. I might have been wrong about Orwell. Lovely chap - as genuine as anyone I know - so he tells me. You can trust him (he told me that once, and surely he wouldn't lie about something like that ).

Orwell Orwell from Ozhobbitstan
Ive a feelin hes a very naughty man
they seek him here, they seek him there
that saucy wee hobbit everywhere
is he in heaven, is he in Hades
hes always runnin after the ladeez

are there no emoticons for little black pots and little black kettles, cos Ive a feelin they are going to be useful, in all dealings with certain Bankses.

How dare you, Mrs Figg! I must say, those kinds of negative suggestions are not welcome at our door! The folk who have been around Forumshire a long time will be able to vouch that I, for one, am not hypocritical in the least.

"Ive a feelin they are going to be useful, in all dealings with certain Bankses."- Mrs Figgs

You've sussed out the Banks clan in no time at all Mrs Figg. I also find carying a hefty length of stout wood about with me helps too in dealing with them at need.

thick as a short plank, my old hobbit nan used to say, not about me obviously, but they do come in useful. those short planks.