Hi my name is Figg, Mrs Figg.

{{{You polish floors as well! What a versatile intern you are, Mrs Figg! But don't be hasty, I haven't won the election yet. And knowing the folk here, they may not want someone Respectable like me overlording them... Though, I guess, I could give you a trial, just in case against all expectations I win. (Last time I was Mayor I won three thousand and twenty two votes to three hundred and twenty one, a great surprise, considering there were only three hundred and twenty two enrolled voters!) I have a guest house in Needlehole which is vacant at the moment. We could pretend it's my Mayoral Office and I could try you out... I'll bring along my box of Havana Leaf tobaccosticks as well. I'd prefer a thorough training regime.

Btw they make excellent kneepads - frilly ones for the more cultured intern - at a little shop in Redlite Lane, Needlehole. My servants swear by them - though my wives Primmy Brandybuck and Bella Buttocks view them with suspicion - ho ho, ridiculous to do so, of course!

Best we keep our conversations encrypted. Forumshire folk have peurile minds and can easily interpret the most innocent things to be untoward. }}}

{{{{well I need a change of career, having blown my welcome in polite circles, I think the job of intern would restablish my reputation throughout the Shire. I know that shop in Redlite street I have a fidelity card, and Mrs Munchkin always gives me discount and sometimes slips something in for free. So make sure you win this election and if you take a leaf out of Silvio Berlusconis book if you have the sherriffs on your side, cos you made the law, you can wriggle out of the tightest hole.}}}}

{{{With my life playing out as it has, the getting in and out of holes, of all types, has become one of my most specialized skills, dear Mrs Figg.

I'm pleased you've made acquaintance with Mrs Munchkin. A wonderful personage - and discreet. You know, she did not bat an eyelid when I purchased ankle-ties for Primmy for her birthday (it's a long story); and as to those nipple-squeezers for Bella (another long story), she only gave the smallest of winsome smiles. A truly honorable woman. As to all those employees of hers she has working diligently in the factory out back of her shop - I'm a little unsure. I think they're from Mexico - and not Munchkin Land as she insists. As Mayor, of course, I'll continue to keep my left hand well out of the sight of my right - pragmatism must be my motto (secretly) and propriety my public crusade. You know how it is. People in Forumshire are soooooo naive!

Anyhow, welcome aboard. You might even join me on the campaign trail, if you like. I could use the asistance of a concu... personal assistant. You may need to be kept a little behind-the-scenes, if you don't mind. Sadly - and wrongly, I'm sure! - you do have a 'reputation' in Forumshire. We must be practical. I know you'll understand!}}}

-sniff-sniff- smells like a toothpaste factory in here.

and what flavour would that be I wonder?

Mr Tyrant! Dont'you know it's impolite to sniff around! Not that there is anything to sniff - you must be imagining it.

Let me explain, Mrs Figg. Mr Tyrant's dark hint about "peppermint" is a reference to "encryption spells". He's a Scotshobbit and suspects everyone; imagines peppermint scented encryption spells all the time. Ridiculous!

Anyway, where were we, Mrs Figg? That's right, you were telling me you intended to buy some kneepads so that you could take up floor polishing. Excellent! A Lady needs gainful employment, when she has no husband to support her. Which reminds me: you must tell me, whatever happened to Mr Figg - not drownded, I hope! I trust you left Bree to start a new life after he passed away... Forgive me if I bring up sad memories...

I don't want to cast nasturtians, Odo, but I feel honour bound to say that rumour has it Mr Figg kicked Mrs Figg out their hole on account of her having an affair with some Ozhobbit called "Glenn" in Bree Land. That's not a proper hobbit name if you ask me - and he a married hobbit to boot!

The scandal, of course, wrecked the Figg marriage it's said (or, at least, I'm saying) and so, in shame, Mrs Figg moved to Forumshire, along with her pussies.

Sorry, Mrs Figg. But as a Mayoral nominee, I feel it important to tell the truth - always!

Vote 1: "Honest Orwell."

I heard the same rumour!

I bet it's true! Loose women are the bane of marriages everywhere... I only hope you stamp it out, Odo, when you're Mayor..

Mind, I don't trust you, Orwell. Why bring it up? There's something very sus about you, though I can't quite put my finger on what exactly... I certainly won't be voting for you...

Wait a second! ... Hey, that's it! Sleazy! You must know Odo is being kind and forgiving of that horrid Mrs Figg... That's it! You're implying Odo is soft when it comes to loose women!!!! How absolutely sleazy, Orwell! And cunning! You underminer! I wouldn't put it past you to corrupt the office of Mayor, Orwell - if you were given half a chance....

I say, stick with the only Respectable Candidate. Vote for Odo, I say!

{{{Oh yes, Odo, keep away from Mrs Figg. You are being kind to her I see - you are such a gentle and loving hobbit - but remember this, Jezebel brought down Ahab. Not suggesting you're up to anything untoward - but people here have evil minds, you know that.}}}

Rubbish! Don't we live in a modern world? Orwell is only telling people things they need to know and consider. He himself is a notorious womanizer (or at least he says so). He is out front about it. That's honesty. And, hell's bells, don't we women want a real man-hobbit over us. What he does privately is no body's business. It's stewardship when on Duty that matters - pleasing we ladies off duty would just be the icing on the cake, surely. What do you want for a Mayor, a milksop like Odo with his boring Patriarchal two-wife lifestyle? How dull! How old fashioned! We need a strong, full blooded Leader. Not a butter-wouldn't-melt-in-his-mouth Odo-milksop type! I mean - come on!

I think you are unwise to suggest Odo is a milksop, Kafria. There's more to him than meets the eye. As a science teacher, I think you might do better research. Odo may be Respectable, but he does have a Practical side as well... I will say no more... But Vote 1: Mr Odo Banks, esquire; Lecturer; Business-hobbit; Long Time Resident of Forumshire; Happily married hobbit with two lovely respctable wives and two lovely children, students at Our Lady's. (And Orwell is a Johnny-come-lately, after all!)

{{{Petty - you there? I have a proposal. What say, if I'm elected Mayor, we cut funding to Our Lady's. Then we can start up a proper school. "Buckie Heights" is a name that comes to mind. We might also work together to "sort out" the executive. I mean. Clearly, YOU should be Admin, not some milksop like we have now. Frankly, if I were you, I'd be insulted to be kept under the heal. "Moderator"- what? A mere "Moderator"! And you a Scotshobbit of amazing ability and brilliant talents! I'm proposing a closer relationship between the Mayoral Office and you. The relationship can be maintained once you change your title from "Moderator" to "Admin." Of course, you would keep your role as Keeper of Tinuviel's Buckie. We wouldn't want that changed. Let's keep these negotiations to ourselves, shall we?}}}

Hmm, the State Intelligence Service is detecting dangerously high levels of sedition passing through the encryption network. Tune in to the State News thread to see what will be done about it.

Here's the latest, hot off the presses! (Link)

[[[I've resorted to square brackets, Petty! And you know what that means! () Take care! Take care! And shush!!! The EYE is circling! ]]]

Dear Major Odo, you see I already think of you as that exalted personage. I thought I may offer my Curriculum vitae as proof of my past achievements and experience adapted to the role of Intern.

SKOOL.
1870 to 1880
Mrs Thwackems Skool for Unruly Girlz
O level in eel oiling and buffing
O level in pouting and flouncing
O level in public indecency
A level in advanced ozzy baiting

JOBZ
1880 to 1890
Freelance Floor polisher and sheep worrier
1890 to 1895
eel squeezer, given the boot and run out of town
1895 to present
Intern for Majorial candidate nice respecable Mr Odo sweetums
duties to be negotiated, but generally thought to include a Pension
for lock jaw and repetitive strain injuries got on the job.

Careful, Odo, we don't watch an inappropriate affair scandal to tarnish our first ever elections, do we?

As to dark hints about the demise of Mr Figg, well the first Mr Figg was last seen running for the hills, being only of delicate Anglohobbit stock, he found my penchant for yodelling too much for his earses, the second Mr Figg is I am happy to say made of sterner stuff, being of Southron decent, but he doesnt understand a word I say so that helps, things get lost in translation, so I can call him a silly hairy bummed hobbit without a clip round the lug hole, which is nice.
and as for Mr Figg no. 3 well If Odo plays his cards right, who knows? I like men with enormous heads.

I have often wondered if two wives are quite enough, it's true --- but a twice-wed hobbit was not really what I had in mind as the third. 'Internship' is what we were discussing, weren't we, Mrs Figg? I mean - I am a Respectable hobbit, and I for one know my station in society. It wouldn't do to go marrying someone of ... well, a different social strata. And judging by the school you attended --- well, I only think an "internship" can really work. I am a practical hobbit, you see. And... well, I mean, the second your bucket-mouth was unloosed in my hole (and I suspect you have a bucket-mouth), Primmy and Bella would pack my bag and kick me out as sure as day follows night... No, it will have to be 'internship' or nothing, I'm afraid. Can't be fairer than that.

"Major" Odo? What are you planning, Mrs Figg? A Military Junta? "Mayor" is the word you're looking for, you sweet Lady!

Mrs Figg wrote:And as for Mr Figg no. 3 well If Odo plays his cards right, who knows? I like men with enormous heads.

Perfect! Odo fits that description in more ways that one.

We have long suspected that a Peeping Tom has been peeping at Bella in the bath, but I now see it was a Peeping Eldo, peeping at Me in the bath! Sweet Illuvatar!

Major Odo, Oh silly me just a slip of the tongue as they say in Bree. I think it must be subconscious, as Odo is pretty major in my thoughts. sigh, even though he called me buquet mouth.

Buquet mouth or bouquet mouth? Anyhow, I'm pretty sure he said "bucket mouth", which is a wonderful Ozhobbit phrase - though it may well be a more international phrase than I realized, as you seem familiar with it.

And... err... nothing personal, Mrs Figg, but bouquet mouth just doesn't seem to fit you, somehow.

As to your "tongue slipping", I really think that no cause for criticism. Surely everyone has some kind of physical or mental disability. You must try to use it in some advantageous way, I think; turn your disabilty into a boon somehow.