Hi my name is Figg, Mrs Figg.

I bet one of your pussies is called Crabbit.

However did I miss this?
Well my mind was on the moon!
It's dwelled there ever since I heard your voice,
And fell into a swoon.

Oh Mrs Figg! Oh Mrs Figg!
I could never be all sarky,
When it comes to my Lovin' you
I can't utter no malarkey!*

And never mind those powerlines,
It's only you I see ---
At least I think that's you My Love,
Concealed completely by the trees!

"My Innermost Thoughts - unwritten" but (obviously) now channelled.

Wisey Banks






*malarky is an Ozhobbitstan term meaning "crap" or smilar. Who knows where it came from?

There there Porgy. I know it's harsh for me to say... but it's kind of sort of a taste of your own medicine

Now that's proper Royalty for you. Hard, cold truth with no unnecessary emotion- if Forumshire ever has to endure something like the Blitz we'll be fine with your sort of mettle Tin!

Will nobody in Forumshire take sympathy on a loyal jilted Wife?

{{{{There is perhaps Porgy aw ay. Biffo seems (Illuvator knows why) to have some sort of unnatural attraction to a certain type of women. Perhaps if you were to introduce this Mrs Figgs to him his charms would sooon replace any offered by Wisey. A choice perhaps is before you Porgy (and some would say a long overdue one!), who would you sacrifice in love, husband Wisey or 'friend' Biffo?}}}}

{{{I barely know what you mean, Petty... Oh it hurts. It hurts so... How cruel of you, you horrid unfeeling person, to bring up things like that at a time like this... There is a big difference between my friendship with Biffo and Mrs Figg's exchanging of channeling's with my highly strung and impressionable Wisey... It's intimacy beyond toleration... }}}

{{For some its whist for some its Channeling- may be the buckie speaking but I see no difference Porgy!}}}

{{{You just don't understand... }}}

Ok Porgy. You know I can't abide to see a woman cry (unless its Pretty). And I want you to know I don't do this lightly and you owe me big for it. Lucky for you I am just at the right point of drunkenness to do it. Here goes.

Oh Wisey chum, oh Wisey mate
I hear you've been sneaking out on surreptious dates.
Rumour has it, truth or not
A certain Mrs Figg has you spinning quite a lot
with her foreign ways and words that rhyme
which for you is worse than buckie or even elven wine.
But be not deceived Wisey by what you see
For strange and odd creaures can come from Bree.
Hearth and home, a familar hole,
its where your heart is, truth be told.
With little Wisey's underfoot and milling round
And Porgy ripe and plump I'll be bound
Tending on your every need, even washing your tired feet
That's love that is, that's what remains after lusts heat.
So excitement, adventure and daring do
its not for the likes of me and you.
Hearth and home, kids and wife,
friends at the door and set for life.
Don't cast away what Porgy offers a hobbit
Quite flirtng with Figgs, Wisey mate, just stop it!

Channelled from Truth in a drunken Haze.


Oww my head hurts.

What gentle and discerning heart
would eat taters and not sweet peaches?
What manner of duck chooses earwigs
over tasty swelling leaches?

What kind of hobbit, suave of brain,
can resist such sentient hair - and curly?
So how can I not love Mrs Figg,
Such a moist and merry Girlie?

What aching soul does look about
for women old and secondhand,
When fresh fleshy Ladies are about
and sauntering through the land?

Who of us wants Old Hat
when this one wears a 'Fascinator'?
Who wouldn't love a butterfly,
And not some leathery alligator?

Oh farewell former lover, wife,
Farewell my once Dear Pumpkin,
Mrs Figg has come here now,
And boy - Oh gosh! - she's somepin!!!!

Inner Thoughts Transposed direct from My Soul

Wisey Banks.

Well, I've had enough! I'm off to Ozhobbitstan! Don't try to stop me, Wisey.. don't... I'm walking out the door.. 'm walking out... Look I'm opening the door... I'm going though the doorway... 'm closing the ... door.. I am, I am... Oh! Wisey! How could be so un-loyal... But I'll stay.. I'm sure we can work things out...

Now Mrs Figg, I know you can't help being drop dead gorgeous and a natural Channeller, but bear in mind that Wisey and Porgy are married with children. Please refrain from encouraging him. I notice you have this affect on hobbits. I've had word from a reliable source in Bree that a couple of silly old farts are even fighting over you there. Please stop being so gorgeous, okay.

{{{Erm... you can reply via encryption if you want to discuss things on a more private level... People are such gossips here... and so childish... we best keep any Mature conversations between ourselves, what... protected by these encryption brackets... not that I would want to discuss anything... you know.. too private... }}}

That's so sad. Poor Porgy. I know she hasn't lead a totally blameless life but I feel so sorry for her just now.

Oh Orwell, you get turned down by one woman so you're just moving on to the next. Do you have a checklist?

{{{Well, to be perfectly frank Eldo, who knows when my Missus will wise up and give me the flick... I just like to look out for as many options as possible. A man is only ever half a man without a woman. In fact, less than half a man. Aint it the truth?}}}

{{{Much as it pains me to admit it, Orwell, I see your point. But don't tell anybody I said that!}}}

dear Breelanders what have I said
ive a feelin one day ill find
a horses head dead in me bed,
I need to stop this trend
or porgy will cry
Say hello to my little friend!
so let me at least try
or at the end of your foot
Wisey will be a big concrete boot.
for your sweet poems
I give you my thanks
but I am scared s.....less
of that Porgy Banks.

If I didn't know better I'd say you were a Banks yourself, Mrs Figg, with that kind of channeling!

One could be mistaken into believing Mrs Figg was one of the Bankses, certainly, but not from the most respectable branch of the family, not at all!

{{{I think she channels while on the sauce, to be honest, Wisey - does she forget that She is a Bree-lander and We, Forumshirites?}}}

As to you, Wisey! Shun that Lady hobbit, I deem her not, after reflection, the most suitable kind of associate.

{{{I use the word "Lady" loosely, Wisey - for though she clearly has an eye for a fine gentleman's eel, in other ways she seems a little wayward}}}.

And always remember no matter what Porgy has got up to in the past, she is still your Wife!

{{{Mrs Figg has quite rightly noted how dangerous she can be, Wisey, and as your brother who loves you dearly, I advise you give her no reason to unleash that merciless side she has! }}}

I suppose, to judge from the inactivity here, Wisey's excitement over you, Mrs Figg, has waned. Fear not, Mrs Figg, there is another gentlehobbit residing here in Forumshire who admires you, very much; and he a debonair individual of rather refined tastes. (No! Of course I'm NOT referring to Stu It's someone twice as beautiful (masculinely speaking) as that dolt, and three times as amusing, and seven times more refined ). Oh Mrs Figg, Wisey is a nice enough hobbit, but can you really imagine having a physical attachment with a mere dreamer like him? Yes, Channeling's a fine Art - but a Woman needs a Man. A man with red hot blood in his system. A real Man -- not some poetical fop like him. A Man about town. A dashing, brawny, maiden-pleasing Man. (Yes, ME, Mrs Figg! Who the f^*k else? )

Anyhow, think it over. As the Ladies here will all tell you, I'm a man who always Satisfies. (Note the capital "S" in "satisfies").

You might want to chat to Kafria (wherever she has got to) Mrs Figgs about poor Orwell. You may find it very informative.

Forsooth, Petty! Why must you so often in the area of "women" seek to undermine me?

{{{As you know full well, Petty, Kafria is all soured-up because she has to wait until 2014 for me to fit her into my Lady Schedule. She's bound to give me a negative review at the moment, and you know it! Humph... btw Petty, does "forsooth" sound a little pompous to you? I was trying for proud and regal, with just a wee hint of lordly look-down-my-nosingness).

I have come to the conclusion that this is a dangerous and perilous land, full of strange clans just waiting to toss ones caber, specially these Bankses, whats a poor lady hobbit to think, its worse than Dallas or Dynasty, I am feeling like poor old Cliff Barnes with his nose pressed up against the windy. confustigating..