Hi my name is Figg, Mrs Figg.

Hi I am new, and I was promised Buckie by a nice young gentleman from Scotland, I am one of those naughty Breelanders. Mrs Figg by name, Mrs Figg by nature, I am quite tranquile but sometimes I like swinging bags full of catfood at folks heads, thats why I was banned from a forum with 'Ring' in the title, hope you dont hold it against me.

Welcome to Forumshire Mrs Figg. Now buckie, I did promise, its just the Queen of Forumshire, Tinuviel, kind of has my buckie stash under lock and key at the moment for reasons neither worth going into nor that are fair! Fortunetly I have an emergency supply in my sporran. See, nice and warm too.
Oh and if you fancy a nosey at my film edits you can just pm me on here about it. Hope you visit regularly, I'm sure Kafria, Ally, Squach and Tin will be over the moon to have another female about the place, as will Janesmith, Porgy and Lesbo (hold on there's loads of bloomin' wimmin here! ).

Welcome to Forumshire, Mrs. Figg! I'm glad that Petty was able to make a good enough impression; I never would have thought he had it in him. And I'm sure we can find some buckie to welcome someone new.

...and from a Lord no less....

Mrs Figg wrote: ...and from a Lord no less....

Howdy! That Scottish chap got you here? Never would have thought it in him!

"I am quite tranquile but sometimes I like swinging bags full of catfood at folks heads, thats why I was banned from a forum with 'Ring' in the title, hope you dont hold it against me."

I like you.

"I'm glad that Petty was able to make a good enough impression; I never would have thought he had it in him."- Eldo

That Scottish chap got you here? Never would have thought it in him!"- Ally

Cheek! Bloomin' cheek the two fo you. Never underestimate a Scotshobbit in a kilt with a sporran full of buckie!

I like these funny faces,

That Buckie is famous from Breeland to Forumshire, the road was long and weary, and the feetses are smelly, but the thought of that wee dram kept the spirits up no end.

There's a jacuzzi to wash your weary feet in, its in my barrel (its bigger on the inside-the barrel that is, not the jacuzzi). And of course well worth the long journey for the buckie.
In the meantime I'd suggest a browse around the place, theres plenty to see from serious debate in the Bad Serious section to members own creative works in Creative Corner. You might also want to check out the local newspapers, the News of the Pure, the Daily Purist and Wholesome Tales (although that last one is a disreputable rag!). Also the Collective Channelingss of Wisey are worth a read if you have a mind to poetry with a comic turn. Make yourself at home.

"Howdy Mrs Figg,
i've heard by leaf and twig
That you've emigrated here -
And pleased to meet you dear -

But I would advise you, Ducky,
To be wary of the buckie,
And a certain Scotshobbit in a skirt,
Yes, you must be on the alert,

'cause if he gets you in his barrel,
(Either you, or Will Farrell),
Nothing good is bound to occur,
Though on buckie it'll be a blur,

So - I guess- in April or November,
It's not likely you'll remember...
Mmm... anyway, welcome to Forumshire,
It's good to have you join the choir!"


"The Welcoming Song of the Spirit of Forumshire" - by Eru Illuvatar (apparently)

Wisey Banks

Dear Mr. Banks
I give you thanks
for the lovely ditty
but its a terrible pity
that my poem is sh**y
I tried my best
with vim and zest
the folk from Bree
I think you will see
dont drink Buckie
and so our poems suckie

"Oh Mrs Figg!
Oh Mrs Figg!
Oh Sweet Eru,
I think I dig,

Your witty words,
Your sensuous mouth,
Oh happy day
you're here in The House -

The Spiritual House
of Channelin'
lined with the best
mock-Moroccan pannelin' -

Oh Mrs Figg!
Oh Mrs Figg!
Another channeller!?
This is
BIG!"

Wisey Banks

that miss porgy she look blue
I only bin here 2 mins
what did I do?
I know my bad poemz
should be put in the bins
giv me a hint
cos I havent a clue.

Welcome

Hilarious poems from all sides!

Mrs Figg wrote:that miss porgy she look blue
I only bin here 2 mins
what did I do?
I know my bad poemz
should be put in the bins
giv me a hint
cos I havent a clue.

That be my husband you're get'n all channelly with... You be careful, Mrs Figg... You look after your own hubby, okay. Just sayin'....

"That be my husband you be channelin' with,
You be careful, Mrs Figg."

Oh dear Porgy, I'll make you a channeller, yet.

I gotta say, you just have to admire anyone with a name like that: Mrs Figg. Surely an upstanding figure. A respectable sort. Though her channeling does seem a little crude (vulgar, that is)... Never mind.

Mrs Figg wrote:Dear Mr. Banks
I give you thanks
for the lovely ditty
but its a terrible pity
that my poem is sh**y
I tried my best
with vim and zest
the folk from Bree
I think you will see
dont drink Buckie
and so our poems suckie

I am conflicted. One would think a "Mrs" anyone would be a conservative respectable person. But the use of certain words... I mean to say: sh**ty is hardly drawing room talk, at all, AT ALL. (I can join the dots, Mrs Figg, don't you worry about! ) As to NOT drinking "buckie" - well, that is only to be commended; but "suckie" does sound such a very "common" word. Oh Mrs Figg, I do hope - against all first impressions - that you are a respectable matron and not some slatternly woman who - by all accounts - deserted not only Bree (which is probably commendable in itself) but also her upstanding husband and skein of rosy cheeked children. (I am availed - against my own better judgment - of the latest Wholesome Tale, which is not always the most accurate Archet Bugle publication!)

Btw I would be careful in your dealings with my brother, Wisey. He is an innocent sort, much submerged in channelling, and easily led. A harmless fellow. Porgy, however, does have a foul temper I think it fair to say, and she's the jealous sort. She has told me several times that she does not hold with anyone dallying with her dear innocent husband in any which way whatsoever. And rightly so, loyal wife that she is.

Mrs Porgy have no fear, my only concern are my kitties, all seven of them, the furry little dumplings need their mummy and I have no time for dilly dallyin with the gentlemen, really the very thought, it makes me elastic stockins wrinkle at the mere thought, I have had no gentlemen callers since 1971 when a chap named Albert haccidently sat on Fluffy, I told him to finish his buttered muffin and leave, and never has the hairier sex darkened me door since (apart from that nice Mr harris from No.14, who stopped a leak in me kitchen but we wont go into that) hanyway must dash..

At last! A respectable and genteel lady hath come to Forumshire. (Clearly, the stories spruiked by THe Archet Bugle in their Wholesome Tales are, at the least in some regards, inaccurate!) I must have you around for tea sometime, Mrs Figg. My wives, Bella and Primmy, will be present. You must never fear me of behaving without gallantry or respect!

Oh dear. I see you've met (some) of the Banks family Mrs Figg.
Ole Wisey is a good chap, when you can get him away from Porgy. And she is,... friendly, yes that seems a safe word, very, very friendly. Especailly towards Wisey's brother (I think its a brother) Biffo, the Oz mining hobbit who loves nothing better than a good deep hole. Odo on the otherhand is, by his own appointment, the moral heart of Forumshire- or in other word everyone ignores him!

Don't listen to him, Mrs Figg (he's from Scotshobbiton ).

Pettytyrant101 wrote:Especailly towards Wisey's brother (I think its a brother) Biffo, the Oz mining hobbit who loves nothing better than a good deep hole.

Nephew, Petty, my nephew! Mirabella's brother...

He's a miner in the Kimberleys (Ozhobbitstan) btw, Mrs Figg - that's what Mr Tyrant implies when he says Biffo "...loves nothing better than a good deep hole". Actually, he loves nothing more than he does reputable safety-concious mine operators who ensure he works in a "properly delved and supported" deep hole.

Ooops! Sorry Odo, its hard to keep track through the buckie haze. And I wasn't implying anything, how dare you Odo give that impression to a newcomer like Mrs Figg. I was insinuating.