Hi my name is Figg, Mrs Figg.

I personally think Mrs Figg is too good for spanking! Lop off her head, I say...

Hell hath no fury like a ... er ... Porgy scorned.

The word you're looking for is "woman" Eldo; or "wife". In my case, they are interchangeable. Loremaster? Next time look up your "Book of Cliches" before you post. You've made yourself sound sooooo unbookread.

I'm familiar with the terms, Porgy. It's just that sometimes I wonder what's applicable when it comes to the Bankses...

You are certainly a dull young man...

Just telling it like I see it.

That, I think, is why Porgy thinks you dull. Just saying. Surely some things are best left "unsaid", if only for "wit's" sake.

Porgy says, Off with her head!
Like Alices Queen of Hearts Red
But as I dont want to be ded
I think ill just go to bed
and lightly go and fear no dred
where those angels fear to tred
so dont you knit like mdme guillotine
like that orrible bloodthirsty Queen
so put down that axe
you dont know where its been
and an extremity could go green
and fall off...

{{{I wouldn't be too worried, not for the nonce, Mrs Figg, current rumour suggests - and I have some inside mail on this - Porgy is staying at home, keeping a close eye on Wisey. And they're not taking visitors. Not even Biffo Bank is welcome anymore -- well, not for the nonce! Now, if you're looking to steal someone else's husband... err.... ummm... I might know of someone... }}}

Well that Wisey broke my heart
so if you know someone its a start
continue my career as hubby steeler
python pleezer, serpent teezer
my exploits are in the news
everywhere I go Im gettin Boos
The gorgeus sherriffs arter me
I think Ill leg it back to Bree.

{{{

"Bella to base. Bella to base."

"Go ahead, Agent Bella."

"I'm hot on her trail. I'm breathing down her neck. I'll soon being laying hands on her, I reckon."

"Double spanking?! "

"Don't be ridiculous! I mean, I'll soon have her in my arms."

" "

"Did you say something - or did I just feel a peculiar wavering in te ethosphere?"

"Sorry, Bella.... Umm... Did you just say, you'd soon have Mrs Figg in your arms?"

"Oh Eru save me! Men! I'll soon grab her! I'll have her in CUSTODY.... Hey! Is that her trotting over the hill top? Red hair, lithe form --- and I think I can see at least one of her pussies... Gotta go. Over and out..."

"Agent Bella. Agent Bella... Oh dear. I hope nothing untoward happens to her..."

}}}

RABID RED HEAD ON THE RUN

NEWSFLASH

News just in. Shirriff Mirabella Banks is currently in pursuit of that vicious (attempted) husband stealer, Mrs Figg. Shirriff Banks was last seen pounding up Konckee Hill just as Mrs Figg was seen on top, with at least one pussy, believed to be her favorite, Ginger Meggs. Both looked hot and flustered according to bystanders at the adjacent Clucky Chook Tavern (that's Mrs Figg and Mirabella Banks who appeared flustered, Ginger Meggs seemed to be gliding effortlesly).

"Ms Banks had her skirts hitched high for speed," said Randy Duckplucker of Needlehole South, "I swears she was fit to have palpitations. Her breasts were heaving so..."

"You mean, her 'breast' was heaving...?"

"No, I don't."

Primula Brandybutt, serving wench at said hostelry, said, "Well, I can sees why every wife fears Mrs Figg. Not only is she pretty as a picture, and now with her face all flushed and animated, but there's no man that could be anything but enamoured of that lovely ginger pussy o' hers. I heard as it purrs like an angel."

"That'd be Ginger Meggs."

"Would it? Well, I'll be..."

Ringo Herring (a visitor far from shore) said: "I don't know what all the fuss is. I mean, it's but two ladies in short dresses, all a'swirl, running over a hill, hot and flushed, and panting, queer it is... I can't see why all the men-hobbits here have gone all ga-ga."

Muddy Banks, the Publican said: "That's me second cousin on me Father's side that is, that Mirabella. As perty as a picture too, but not afraid of a wrestle, I hears. She's gonna give that other wench and her pussy a fair wrestling when she catches up with her, or my name's not Muddy Banks --- and it is!"

This laudable rag will Report more Accurate Facts, when they come to hand.


Lesbo Proudfoot
Editor
The Archet Bugle

{{{Eru bless you, Benny. Without you, I don't think I could properly visualize what's currently happening in the news! You are sadly missed... }}}

The Bugle has topped itself! I don't think I've been this impressed by their reporting ever. If you need me, I'll be rolling around on the floor in tears just over here.

NEWSFLASH.....
Our intrepid rogue reporter Slaphappy Pete, has come up trumps once again, he gives this exclusive interview with that red haired home wrecker otherwise known as Mrs Figg. Well Mrs figg, I hear youre in hiding from a certain Sherrriff what gives?

sniff! well firstly,
How very dare they call me Ginger,
like Mick Hucknall that flamin singer
my colour is called strawberry fox
well thats what its called on the box,
Im hiding in Bill fernys summer pad
daily I must tickle his eel, the cad
that Wisey with his poems did me woo
then he left me and I feel like poo,
that sherrriffs huntin up n down
Im really scared, my pants are brown.

Well thanx mrs figg for that meaty update, I hope you evade capture by the Sherriff, but if she does, can I watch?

So NotP got it wrong! I kind of wondered if what they printed intheir story was wrong. Mind you, some of us kind of hoped Mirabella would catch up with you. I mean, you probably do deserve a good smacking. Mmm.... yes, I do think so... Actually, the NotP might be true after all! They only reported that Mirabella smacked your pussy, Ginger Meggs! So you did escape, Mrs Figg! Shame about your pussy though...

Ginger meggs is now lapping milk on the Sherriffs lap, shes a fickle creature, a real sour puss.

All Ginger needed was some firm treatment to learn her! I feel she's never been disciplined you see, and a good spanking has done her the world of good. We are the best of friends now - she loves to be stroked, quite firmly, but a soft touch now and then appeals to her as well - it's all down to one being sensitive to her needs - and she does enjoy a good scratch when she's itchy... I've decided to adopt her --- she clearly likes a good rub, too! Oh nice pussy, there you go -- ooh, that's nice, isn't it... Yes it is...

As to Mrs Figg. I will find you, don't you worry about that. And when I do, there's fifteen strokes that lie begging!

Pussy stealer! pah!
But dont forget to brush and trim her regular like, otherwise she will get a fur ball, and heave it up in yer bed.

Never you mind, Mrs Figg! I've always had a pussy for as long as I can remember, even as a little girl sitting on Uncle Odo's knee - a very fond memory - and so I think I know exactly the right way to treat one's pussy... I shall be firm and gentle as circumstance demands. There'll be no more of your casual ways with Ginger Meggs. I plan a far more disciplinarian approach with her. I am very much my Uncle's Niece in these things.

Look ive given you a pussy, can I go free now please? or do I have to co-habit with that smelly Bill Ferny in his stinky hole? Its all getting rather tedious this runnin n hidin. and my feet are killin me.

Now, now ladies, I don't think this debate over the proper treatment of pussies is going anywhere. Dear Bella, as your uncle, I'm asking you allow Mrs Figg to get off with a Caution. As you know, I've never held with spanking as a punishment. It's either the whip or stave - except in special circumstances - but whatever the case, I'm thinking of employing Mrs Figg as my aid, intern and tobacconist, if I win the upcoming Mayoral Elections. I can't have her turn up unable to sit down, now can I? I don't mean to put presure on your office, but please see to it, my dear. There's a good girl.

I guess I can show you some leniency, Mrs Figg. But no more husband stealing! Consider yourself cautioned. {{{Are you happy, Uncle Odo? You know how I hate displeasing you...}}}

{{{Well done, Bella. You've always been a most obedient niece. }}}

Ill buy myself some knee pads from the Hobbiton general store.