what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3]

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Post by chris63 Thu Apr 28, 2016 8:40 am

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Post by azriel Thu Apr 28, 2016 9:20 am

Oh FFS ! lol!

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Post by azriel Thu Apr 28, 2016 9:28 am

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car.

She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that her daughter’s fever was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."

The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."

So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.

The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

He said, "Sure". He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man."

The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."

The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"

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"There are far, far, better things ahead than any we can leave behind"
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Post by azriel Thu Apr 28, 2016 9:29 am

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

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"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. It's the job that's never started as takes longest to finish.”
"There are far, far, better things ahead than any we can leave behind"
If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got

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Post by azriel Thu Apr 28, 2016 9:33 am

I was raped by a group of mimes.

They did unspeakable things to me.

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"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. It's the job that's never started as takes longest to finish.”
"There are far, far, better things ahead than any we can leave behind"
If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got

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Post by azriel Thu Apr 28, 2016 9:36 am

went to the library and asked if they had the book about tiny penises...

The librarian said, "I don't think it's in yet."

I said, "Yes, that's the one."

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"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. It's the job that's never started as takes longest to finish.”
"There are far, far, better things ahead than any we can leave behind"
If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got

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Post by halfwise Thu Apr 28, 2016 1:32 pm

azriel wrote:John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."


Laughing

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Post by chris63 Sat Apr 30, 2016 7:10 am

azriel wrote: went to the library and asked if they had the book about tiny penises...

The librarian said, "I don't think it's in yet."

I said, "Yes, that's the one."

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Post by chris63 Sat Apr 30, 2016 7:12 am

I told my girlfriend I'd had sex with her sister .
She said "you disgust me".
I said "No ,we never talked about you at all" .

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Post by azriel Sat Apr 30, 2016 7:36 am

:facepalm: Laughing

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Post by chris63 Sun May 01, 2016 4:30 am

What's the most sensitive organs in the body whilst masturbating ?







Your ears !

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Post by Mrs Figg Sun May 01, 2016 7:28 pm

Laughing
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Post by Bluebottle Tue May 03, 2016 2:05 pm

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Post by azriel Tue May 03, 2016 2:30 pm

Very Happy

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"There are far, far, better things ahead than any we can leave behind"
If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got

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Post by chris63 Thu May 05, 2016 12:40 am

lol!

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Post by Pettytyrant101 Thu May 05, 2016 6:55 am

{{{ Laughing }}}

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Post by Bluebottle Sun May 08, 2016 2:50 pm

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Post by azriel Sun May 08, 2016 3:09 pm

Poor wolfy Very Happy

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Post by halfwise Sun May 08, 2016 3:52 pm

Very Happy

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Post by David H Sun May 08, 2016 5:05 pm

I'd hate to be the one who tries to collect the fines pale

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Post by Mrs Figg Sun May 08, 2016 5:18 pm

Very Happy leesten to the cheeldren of the night, heeere how they siiiing
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Post by halfwise Sun May 08, 2016 5:24 pm

Vhat music they make!

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Post by chris63 Mon May 09, 2016 5:32 am

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Post by David H Mon May 09, 2016 6:28 am

As long as we're on the subject of rock bits Chris.... Smile

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Post by chris63 Mon May 09, 2016 7:02 am

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