what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3]

azriel wrote:

Spoiler:

One of the best. Nice one Azriel.

To Azriel and Chris jokes!

Jokes in honour of the absent Azriel- the top award winning jokes from this years Edinburgh Fringe Festival -


"I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free" - Darren Walsh

"Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse ... but enough about Kanye West" - Stewart Francis

"Surely every car is a people carrier?" - Adam Hess

"What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter" - Masai Graham

"If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably wouldn't go" - Dave Green

"Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas" - Mark Nelson

"Red sky at night. Shepherd's delight. Blue sky at night. Day" - Tom Parry

"The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves" - Alun Cochrane

"Clowns divorce. Custardy battle" - Simon Munnery

"They're always telling me to live my dreams. But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for..." - Grace The Child

"I never lie on my CV…because it creases it." - Jenny Collier

"If you don't know what introspection is you need to take a long, hard look at yourself" - Ian Smith

"I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time" - Tom Ward

"Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman. It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't" - Gyles Brandreth

"Let me tell you a little about myself. It's a reflexive pronoun that means 'me'" - Ally Houston

"Earlier this year I saw "The Theory of Everything" - loved it. Should've been called "Look Who's Hawking", that's my only criticism" - James Acaster

In honor of Azriel I guess I have to plop down an appropriate joke.

A blonde gets on a plane bound for Chicago and leaves her seat in economy to sit in first class. When the flight attendant tells her she has to go back to economy because she didn’t pay for a first class ticket, the blonde says, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful and I’m going to Chicago and I’m staying right here in this seat.” The flight attendant and the blonde repeat this process a few times before the attendant gets the pilot. The same thing happens to the pilot when he tries to talk to the blonde. He goes back to the cockpit and begins to radio the tower for assistance when the co-pilot asks him to wait just a second. “I’m married to a blonde,” he tells the captain. “I speak blonde, let me handle it.” He goes up to the blonde, whispers in her ear and she said, “Oh, I’m so sorry,” before getting up and going back to her economy seat. “How did you do that?” his colleagues ask him. “Easy. I told her first class isn’t going to Chicago.”

A Roman goes into a bar, walks up to the bartender, holds up two fingers and says, "I'll have 5 beers please!"

Took me a while.

I don't want to press my luck on TORn but this joke just wrote itself after seeing the original quote posted over there.

In the Southfarthing the vines were laden, and the yield of 'leaf' was astonishing; and everywhere there was so much corn that at Harvest every barn was stuffed. The Northfarthing barley was so fine that the beer of 1420 malt was long remembered and became a byword. Indeed a generation later one might hear an old gaffer in an inn, after a good pint of well-earned ale, put down his mug with a sign: 'Ah! that was a proper fourteen-twenty, that was!'

"The Southfarthing leaf was so fine that the weed of 1420 was long remembered and became a byword. Indeed a generation later one might hear an old gaffer in an inn, after a good toke of well-earned weed, put down his pipe with a sigh: "Ah! that was a proper four(teen)twenty, that was!"

</sophomoric>

Good luck, Az! Worst comes to worst you can always just grab one of the computers in the library and run like hell.

What's a "lither"? Oh....Lithe - r.

You don’t need a parachute if you want to skydive. You need a parachute if you want to skydive more than once.

Perhaps that's more like a life lesson/advice? Idk.

That's sort of my take on sky diving.  I have some friends who refuse to approach a cliff edge - not for fear of falling, but for fear that they can't resist the urge to jump.  No suicidal tendencies here, just the seductive thought of extended falling into open space.

I can't even watch a youtube video of those insane urban free climbers without my palms sweating uncontrollably.

Ah, I figured it was more figurative. As in.. jumping into things in life.

azriel wrote:Hi guys  I cant stay long, Im in the local library & bloody lucky to get a PC seeing as the local yobs are in here grabbing them all. Ive only got half an hour  Thankyou for the kind words ! Im touched ! Im still working on getting PC sorted, its on my mind day & night. Im going crackers not being able to play on the interwundawebz. Oh shit here we go, a little band ticks across the screen telling you you have 1 minute to finnish up ! god fook it ! See you all soon ! love you guys !!

Best of luck with the PC, Az! Thanks for stopping by to give us an update.

That's actually pretty good!

No, no it wasn't.

While I do like puns and similar (lowbrow) sorts of humor, I was also quoting what the bucktoothed character said in response to that line.