what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3]

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Post by Bluebottle Mon Apr 04, 2016 10:00 am

What do you get when you cross an insomniac with an agnostic and a dyslexic?

You get someone who stays up all night wondering whether or not there is a dog.

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Post by halfwise Mon Apr 04, 2016 1:18 pm

You're on a roll, Blue.

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Post by Mrs Figg Mon Apr 04, 2016 1:54 pm

Laughing @all
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Post by Bluebottle Mon Apr 04, 2016 1:56 pm

halfwise wrote:You're on a roll, Blue.

Very Happy

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“We're doomed,” he says, casually. “There's no question about that. But it's OK to be doomed because then you can just enjoy your life."
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Post by azriel Mon Apr 04, 2016 3:40 pm

Ham or cheese ?

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Post by Amarië Mon Apr 04, 2016 5:03 pm

azriel wrote:Ham or cheese ?

*throws a sheep, a drum and a snake off a cliff*

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Post by Bluebottle Mon Apr 04, 2016 5:09 pm

Baaaaaaaaaaah... Dum.. Tssssssssss....

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Post by Bluebottle Mon Apr 04, 2016 6:36 pm

SEAGOON: Now, what else do we need?
BLOODNOK: A picture of Queen Victoria.
SEAGOON: (narrative) On Bloodnok's advice, I also purchased the following vital equipment.
MILLIGAN: One knee-action, self-reciprocating Christmas Pudding gun.
SECOMBE: One hand painted inflatable Christmas Pudding decoy with rubber hollow.
SELLERS: One portable plastic and gravel road.
MILLIGAN: One long bent thing with a sort of lump on the end.
SECOMBE: On waterproof cover for same.
SELLERS: One same.
MILLIGAN: Thirty-three boxes of yellow kosher boots.
SECOMBE: Another long bent thing with a sort of lump on the end.
SELLERS: One uncooked leather trilby with sugar feather.
MILLIGAN: One sixty foot explodable granite statue with built in plunger
SECOMBE: Detailed plans of what to do with long bent thing with a sort of lump on the end.
BLOODNOK: Right, now, pack all that into the piano and burn it to ashes.
SEAGOON: To ashes?
BLOODNOK: Yes, they're much, much lighter to carry.
(The international Christmas pudding)

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Post by chris63 Wed Apr 06, 2016 11:30 am

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Post by chris63 Wed Apr 06, 2016 11:40 am

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Post by azriel Wed Apr 06, 2016 12:12 pm

lol!

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Post by chris63 Mon Apr 11, 2016 6:27 am

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Post by azriel Mon Apr 11, 2016 7:27 am

:facepalm:

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"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. It's the job that's never started as takes longest to finish.”
"There are far, far, better things ahead than any we can leave behind"
If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got

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Post by chris63 Tue Apr 12, 2016 7:07 am

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Post by azriel Tue Apr 12, 2016 9:38 am

lol!

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"There are far, far, better things ahead than any we can leave behind"
If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got

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Post by chris63 Thu Apr 14, 2016 4:06 am

I hired an Eastern European girl as a cleaner. It took her five fucking hours to hoover the lounge.


Turns out she was a Slovak.

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Post by chris63 Thu Apr 14, 2016 4:07 am

My mate started a business selling bonsai trees. Business is doing so well, he's looking for smaller premises

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Post by chris63 Thu Apr 14, 2016 4:09 am

A couple of years ago a mate of mine emigrated to Canada where he went to work for himself as a lumberjack . However because of all the on site accidents in the industry, the health and safety department has insisted that workers can't work on their own.They have to work in trees

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Post by azriel Thu Apr 14, 2016 8:37 am

Oh FFS ! Smile that last one Smile Love the Slovak one Smile....... & the Bonsai one Smile So...what Im saying is... I like 'em all Smile

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"There are far, far, better things ahead than any we can leave behind"
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Post by Nagual Thu Apr 14, 2016 1:18 pm

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because the lactose.
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Post by Nagual Thu Apr 14, 2016 1:22 pm

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
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Post by Eldorion Thu Apr 14, 2016 2:37 pm

Laughing
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Post by chris63 Fri Apr 15, 2016 8:26 am

Made me giggle Nagual. ty Smile

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Post by chris63 Fri Apr 15, 2016 8:33 am

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Post by azriel Fri Apr 15, 2016 9:31 am

Great one about Gandhi Nagual Smile
Great one about disability Chris Smile

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