what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3]

Took the shell off my racing snail this weekend.
Thought it might speed him up....
If anything, it made him more sluggish.

Female weightlifter goes to the doctors "Doctor I have been taking a lot of steroids and now I have grown a cock" Doctor asks "anabolic?" Weightlifter replies "No, just a cock".

{{{   Slug one did it for me! }}}

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

I've heard that before, but not with the Rolling Stone reference. That really ties it up nicely.

Oh FFS ! You gotta love the Irish !!

Sacked from the Dodgems ?
That's funfair dismissal

I have a pal who is 6 ft11, and his wife is only 3 ft 6.



A decade married, and he's still nuts over her.

This guys walking through a graveyard

When he hears a man sobbing and crying out “Why did you die, oh why did you have to die?”

He was so moved he knelt down beside the grieving man and said “Was this person very close to you?”

“No, actually I never met him!” replied the man.

“Why are you moaning then?” asked the passer by



“He was my wife’s first husband!”

A huge '30ft' deep hole has opened up on a street in Salford and police are looking into it

Bloody well nearly lost my job as a roofer. On my first day, I was caught having a wank up on the roof. Luckily, my foreman said I could wipe the slate clean.

Went to the zoo yesterday, saw a baguette in a cage,

The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity.

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."

Paddy's in the bathroom, Murphy shouts out.." did you find the shampoo ?"
"yes" said Paddy " but it says its for dry hair, & mines wet "