The Curious Tale of a Missing Banks

Mirabella Banks
NOTICE TO ALL FORUMERS

I am Acting Assistant Chief Sheriff Mirabella Banks.

As you all will now know, I am conducting an investigation into the alarming disappearance of my Uncle, Odo Banks. Fears are also held for his Twin Brother, my Uncle Wise, who Uncle Odo may be stalking. This has become a complicated matter, sprawling over several threads (to use the vernacular) and so I have begun this thread with a view to keeping the SITUATION under CONTROL.

For the Protection of Privacy, I have sought the aid of the Wizard Blandorthin who has placed upon this Thread a "Spell of Encryption", which means that each Forumer's missive or chat will ONLY be seen by the person to whom the missive or chat is addressed. Yes, you can have the GREATEST CONFIDENCE that your PRIVATE missive or chat will not be seen by anyone but the FORUMER you have addressed your specific missive or chat to.

So SPEAK FREELY. No one is peeping.

Mirabella Banks
Acting Assistant Chief Sheriff
Hobbiton Office
The Shire




STATE OF AFFAIRS
Wise Odo has channelled an esoteric poem which his brother, Odo Banks, has interpreted as a threat on his life. When Odo brought in the Sheriffs, Wise persuaded them that Odo was suffering under a Persecution Complex. Subsequently, Odo was locked up in the Lockholes in Michel Delving. In a blink, Odo escaped (befor reciving a Lemon Drizle Cake - and file - sent by Mr Petty Tyrant). Sadly, Odo escaped without his trousers and was last seen running off in the direction of Hobbiton or Rushock Bog. Since then, he has not been seen.
Key players (so far): (1) Mr Petty Tyrant: Who may (or may not) have had contact with Odo and knows (or knows not) where he is and may (or may not) have offered some kind of rustic Safehaven. (2) Wise Odo: Who is locked up at his house in Bywater, guarded by Primadonna Brandybuck, a lithe and flexible and somewhat over friendly Sheriff. (3) Noom Chevaline: A tall, dark and (possibly) handsome Man of Harad, who is currently taking a Mumulkil to Gondor for sale before camelling to the Shire to aid his Poem-Master, Wise Odo. (4) Gandalfs Beared: Newly returned from Sitting on a House (an American custom, apparently) who Mirabella Banks hopes will help with her Search. (5) Mirabella Banks: A frankly gorgeous young Hobbit Sheriff, bent on saving Odo from himself. (6) Tinviel: A girl who is even more beautiful than Primadonna - or at least her nose is. (7) Eldorion: Who might seem too Loremasterful for such an absrd Adventure as this (or is he?) (8 - ....100000) Positions vacant for anyone forgotten, or for New Witnesses. (Even the most ridiculous theories may help).

NOTE: Due to the said "Spell of Encryption" cited above - make sure you address your missive or chat to the Forumer or Forumers of your choice correctly!

Mirabella Banks
Dear Wise Odo,

I have just broadcast a notice to all the folk on your quaint Forum. They seem a rustic, somewhat simple bunch, but you never know, one amongst them may be able to help us.

I have heard nothing back as yet. Apparaently Odo has not been sighted. Rumours abound - but we must rely on facts. Someone is bound to see him soon. I have sent word to all four Farthings, and also to the Elves and Dwarves. (The Lady Tinuviel has even replied from Valinor! What an honour that was!)

I trust Primadonna minds her manners. Let me know if misbehaves, as I know how much you would hate that.

Your adoring Niece,
Mirabella.

Wise Odo
Dear Mirabella,

I have more to fear from Primadonna than I do from Odo, it seems! But I have given her several firm talks and she is behaving herself very nicely now (though I shall lock my bedroom door tonight as a sensible precaution).

As to Odo, I do hope he is found soon, as he has missed (according my calculations) nine meals now (unless, of course, he has found pine nuts or edible moss to eat), and been out in the wild (and unwashed) for two nights now.

Yours with deepest affection,
Uncle Wise

Odo Banks
Dear Mr Tyrant,

What a Magical World we live in where I can talk to you in TOTAL privacy on the THREAD of the Sheriff who is even now knitting her brow in frustration in her attempts to find me. The ironing of it all!

I have not much to say, except I have found some delicious edible moss, two pine nuts, and two mice I caught and am even now roasting on a little fire I started with flints- a veritable feast - at least in my current circumstances. I will soon turn into a Ranger the way I am adapting to my environment. Takes me back to those tales of Brave Fatty Bolger the Outlaw... though it's difficult to sit comfortably amid these leaves and twigs... Never mind. I'll contact you again when I can...

Poor old Mirabella - my mysterious disappearance is clearly taxing her usually Mighty Banks Brain. (Encrypted Thread - silly lass! She'll never find me this way! )

Regards
Odo Banks

Tinuviel
Smooth Odo...

Eldorion
You can always come and hide out in the Fortress of Lore, Odo. No Sherrifs or Poet-Channelers here.

Mirabella Banks
Dear Lady Tinuviel,

You have sent an un-addressed missive/chat!

I should explain something: If your missive or chat is un-addressed EVERYONE will see what you send! Remember, if you wish to send me (for instance) a message of a private nature, you MUST address it to "Mirabella" - or if to other Forumers, by a name they are known by.

My goodness! Now EVERYONE on this Forum will be wondering what you mean by "smooth Odo" - it almost sounds un-respectable! Surely not! (Anyway, I dare say if he is sitting on rocks, or twigs or leaves just now, he will be anything but smooth! But this can be our little joke, as you see, I addressed it to YOU - and so NO ONE else on this Forum can have read it!)

This "Spell of Encryption" is surely a wonderful thing - though I suspect, like all things, it will have its shortcomings. Indeed, it may not be as good an aid to my investigations as I'd initially thought, I think, having had more time to use my Mighty Banks Brain (an oft-used family saying) to ponder the matter. Oh well. I shall press on nonetheless.

Your Hobbity friend,
Mirabella

Mirabella Banks
To Mr Eldorion,

You have let slip. I presume you addressed Odo Banks!.

It should have been:

Dear Mr Banks

or Hi Odo,

or Good evening, Mr Odo Banks, esquire,

after which you'd begin your your missive/chat!

Ha! You have let me know whose side you are on! If Odo was peeping, he will possibly head off toward your location immediately. I will send some sturdy Sheriff's at once!! (I will also see if there are any charges I can level at you as an aider and abetter!)

Mirabella Banks
Sheriff
Hobbiton Office
The Shire

Eldorion
Dear Mirabella,

I make no secret of my allegiance. I have taken a liking to Mr Banks as a result of our conversations, and thus have no reservations about giving him a private tower in the Fortress of Lore until such time as his situation in the Shire is resolved. The Fortress is of course well-protected by legions of rabid frothing purists and deadly automatonic defenders of canon, and any Sheriff offensive will be sent packing swiftly.

Sincerely,
Eldorion

P.S. I fart in your general direction!

Mirabella Banks
Greetings Lord Eldorion,

It appears you are a Baron of some standing, what with your Fortress of Lore, and your own peculiar weaponry, and an army? Be rest assured I am a humble Sheriff from The Shire and have decided not to send my Sheriffs.

Truth to tell, I've checked maps and can find you nowhere. Perhaps a Secret City? Nevertheless, I cordially ask, if Uncle Odo somehow finds you, please send him back imediately - for treatment. We are worried about him.

Perhaps if you were to give me your location, our Mayor, Samwise the Venerable might send you a Lemon Drizzle Cake as a Measure of Our Automatic Esteem?

Yours diplomatically,
Mirabella Banks
Acting Assistant Chief Sheriff
Hobbiton Office
The Shire

Mirabella Banks
Dear Uncle Wise,

Things have taken a disturbing step. It appears that Uncle Odo has new Big Friends. I can't say too much (it's all a hush hush Confidential Mayoral Foreign Affair Matter), but I can say this: Be Careful. Be VERY VERY Careful!

Your uneasy Niece,
Mirabella

Eldorion
If and when Mr Banks arrives I will consult with him to see what he wishes to do, but till then I will keep my guard up.

As for my location: the Fortress of Lore is in the Forest of Despair, amidst the foothills of the Mountains of Darkness, and at the banks of the River of Death. When travelling from the Shire, go north and east towards the ruins of Old Beleriand till you reach the dwarf-mines of the Blue Mountains. Enter the third vale to the left, travel through the tunnels for 66 miles, and ask for Charon at the gate.

Mirabella Banks
Dear Lord Eldorion,

I'm not sure why you are broadcasting your location to EVERYONE on this Forum. (It may be deliberate, or you may not yet fully understand correct procedure, but it's your call!*) Obviously your Fortress is not in the least secret, as I'd half thought!Whatever the case, I find I am confused. I thought Ancient Beleriand was in the North-west. Unless, of course, there is another (perhaps Newer) Beleriand that I'm not aware of!

Yours respectfully
Mirabella Banks
Acting Assistant Chief Sheriff
Hobbiton Office
The Shire

Eldorion
Dear Mirabella,

Someone cast a spell of confuzzlement on me. I meant "north and west". At any event, the Fortress is not secret, but it is well-protected enough that I need not worry about that.

Sincerely,
Eldorion

Mirabella Banks
Dear Lord Eldorion,

Thank you for the clarification.

A "Spell of Confuzzlement"!? I will seek the Wizard Blandorthin's advice - and immediately!

Mirabella Banks
Acting Assistant Chief Sheriff
Hobbiton Office
The Shire

Gandalfs Beard
Dear Sheriff Banks,

It has come to my attention that you are seeking a certain Mr Banks for reasons that are unsubstantiated. I have heard that you are a most Just and Beautiful Sheriff. As a Forum Ranger, Wizard of the First Order, and Representative of the High Administrator of these Lands, I can assure you that I will do my utmost to resolve this matter in a manner fair to all.

However, I have come to admire and respect Mr Banks and he is a naturalized citizen of this forum. As such he is entitled to all Rights and Protections of the Forum. You may search, as is your right, but I will brook no arrests without my personal authorization. And Remember, Local Sheriffs must also abide by the dictates of the Greater Regional Authority.

Sincerely
Gandalf's Beard

PS: Mirabella, Before I was promoted I was a Shire Resident and a Hobbit myself. Perhaps sometime when you are off-duty, we could chat over some Tea and Crumpets (and perhaps a few other snacks...Pork Pie, Shire Cheese, Cucumber Sandwiches, some pastries etc ).

Mirabella Banks
Dear Gandalfs Beard,

It is good to speak with a forthright Official who seems to take a no-nonsense approach on this forum - a very manly Beard, indeed - and not so Liberal, I presume, at least whilst on Duty.

I hope to work closely with you where need be. Of course, if you find Uncle Odo first, please let me know. I can meet you anywhere (within the Shire, that is).

Yours faithfully,
Mirabella

(You may call me Bella, if you like. My closest friends call me that, and I would be pleased if you did so too. May I call you, in return, 'Gandy'? Even 'GB' sounds too unfamiliar. Or am I being too foreward here?? )

Mirabella Banks
Dear Uncle Wise,

Your suggested plan of action is beginning to bear fruit, for I have begun a pleasant discourse with a certain High Forum Official, which I think may bear fruit if I play things ...carefully...

Your cautious Niece,
Mirabella

Mirabella Banks
Dear Blandorthin,

I fear a Dark Wizard or Sorcerer has infected this Forum with a "Spell of Confuzzlement" which has already affected the mental capacity of at least one Foreign Personage. Could you look into it. My investigation into Uncle Odo's disappearance is complicated enough as it is.

Yours
Mirabella Banks
Acting Assistant Chief Sheriff
Hobbiton Office
The Shire

pettytyrant101
Dear Sherriff Mirabella,
could I perhaps enquire as to what you intend to do with Mr Banks once you have found him? If he is suffering from a mental illness (and that is only an 'if') then it would be unwise, and unfair to send him to the Lockholes. History has taught that prisons are not suitable places for the mentally ill, who are after all ill not criminals. Sadly many lands, Scotsdale included still treats these illnesses as if they were crimes. I would be saddened if you did too.
Also I do feel it would be professional of you to look into the original perceived threat which Odo saw in WIse Odo's channeling. I fear however this will turn out badly for one or both Odo's.
Perhaps you could consider a curfew of some sort to keep them apart on threads or even barring them from certain threads so they cannot meet by accident.
Yours in hope of a happy resolution, Petty.

Mirabella Banks
Dear Mr Tyrant,

I can only shudder to think what Uncle Wise would think if he could read your Enchanted (encrypted) missive to me. To suggest he deliberately wrote a poem threatening to harm Uncle Odo is utter nonsense. Uncle Wise is a famed Poem-channeller. He does not need to resort to Creativity - and certainly not to using Art to disguise and ambiguize his attacks on another hobbit - if he was one to want to harm or threaten harm to other hobbits in the first place! Please, your allusions are insulting!

As to Uncle Odo's mental health issues: in our family Madness of any sort is considered a Crime. We have Old Fashioned (tried and tested) views on the issue. The Lockholes is the best place for people who are sadly 'impaired' (to use the proper euphenism). My goodness, we did give him a soft sandy hole with nothing to harm himself with, or tie a rope to, or anchor a trouser belt on! His hole was the best kind of accommodation for folk in his 'condition" (to use another nice euphenism). What! Do you prefer him out and about in the wild, both day and night, hunted like a wild animal, his poor white bottom exposed to every errant draft of wind from the Chill South, and every unexpected prickle? Do you, Mr Tyrant - just because of your quaint views?

I thank you for your thoughts, but can't say I'm fully enamoured of the gift of them. I'm sure you mean well.

So, enough with your modernity. If you know where Uncle Odo is, please let me know IMMEDIATELY. We may then end this farcial situation. Remember, Uncle Odo's farcial situation may end in a serious injury to himself and perhaps others. Mu goodness! He HAS AN UMBRELLA for Illuvatar's sake!!!! Think of him and stop spruiking your la-de-dah selfish quaint ideas on the treatment of the mentally ill.

Worse still, there is now a certain Big Friend of Uncle Odo who has been in both private and public contact with me. Somehow this Foreigner has found out about Uncle Odo, and, suffering under some mysterious delusion, has invited Uncle Odo to flee to his well protected Fortress (at the end of a miraculously long tunnel) in a land somewhere far in the North-west. A hideous thought. Who would make such an invitation but an Evil Dark Lord, or an Utter Dimbat?

So, cutting to the quick, Mr Tyrant - tell me where Uncle Odo is! If you don't know, then say so. Enough of your ambiguity and airy-fairy ideals!

Yours faithfully,
Mirabella Banks
Acting Assistant Chief Sheriff
Hobbiton Office
The Shire

Mirabella Banks
Dear Uncle Wise,

I'm very busy with my investigations, so just a quick word. Be careful of Mr Tyrant! I know he is a friend of yours, but I wouldn't trust him. Oh no.... Be wary! He has outlandish ideas and I suspect he does not have Uncle Odo's best interests at heart.

Your dutiful Niece,
Mirabella

pettytyrant101
Dear Wise Odo,
I implore you to persuade Sherriff Mirabella to investigate your channelled poem which was the route of this problem. As I am sure you have nothing to hide a thorough investigation and hopefully exoneration of you, in public, may sway Mr Banks he has mistaken your words and that they were not a threat against him. This could be a starting point for a reconciliation of the Odo clan.
Sadly however I think the Sherriff may have got to where she is today by her looks and feminine wiles rather than any actual detecting skills. Personally I think she is using this crisis as an excuse to 'get about a bit' and pick up stray Beards! I do not beleieve she has either your, nor Mr Banks best interests at heart.

Wise Odo
Dearest Mirabella,

Thank you for your recent missive. I am being a little wary of Mr Tyrant - it was, after all, he who sent the Lemon Dizzle Cake and file, I have not forgotten that! - but I do feel he is not totally Untrustworthy. Please give him a chance.

Now, as you've been away in Hobbiton for two days now, I took it upon myself to approach the Mayor about Odo's potential 'condition' (let's not use vulgar terms about this - he is still family, after all!) Samwise and I agree that the best thing we can do for him is to follow the Customary Treatment Program. We shall first swap tenderness for severe discipline (including, of course, the liberal use of the switch and taut chains), while feeding him constantly on Very Strong Potions to make him docile. If this treatment program does not heal him from his 'impairment' (to use the respectable term), nothing will!

Yours affectionately,
Uncle Odo