Canthiss and Lydia- a tale of Skyrim

Morning in a Grand Hall, sadly not mine. Seems to have borrowed the local architecture from Edoras, including white horse motif on a green field flag.
You know I really need to dress better if I'm going to go to these sorts of places.
How come you look good everywhere Lydia?

Today dear Lydia I declare we shall climb a mountain.
What do you mean what for? Because its there!
And dont ruin my big declaration with interuptions. Can't you see I'm standing heroically on the stairs? Well technically yes, I'm at the foot of the stairs but look at my heroic stance for goodness sake woman!

A beautiful morning. Mmm, no shortage of mountains it seems. Eenie, meenie, minie, mo.....

That one! This way Lydia, on to new vistas. You're going to be cold in that you know. I'm just saying. So don't come back later when were two miles up saying that you're feeling a bit chilly thats all.

How come with so many mountians it takes so long to get to any of them?
Did you bring the Sweet Rolls? No, you said you were bringing them. I did not. You were in charge of food, magic scrolls and axes. I had maces, shields and cool cloaks.
Brilliant. You know all that leaves us with is two chunks of raw wolf leg that smells off, a suspicous mushroom I picked earlier and two live spider eggs.
I was really looking forward to that sweet roll.

Ahh, now thats a view Lydia! Smell that air. What do you mean its like rotten eggs. {sniff-choke}} Hey your right. Thats weird. Ah, its probably nothing. Once we get round that outcrop we will be at the top. Think of the view we can get from up there. Oh, and I wouldn't drink from this stream Lydia, there's a suprising, and a more careful eye might think suspicous, amount of animal bones in it. Amazing they get up so high.
What? Well I said you'd be cold.

Careful. If you fall Lydia don't think I'm climbing all the way back down to get you. You might be the good looking silent type with a penchance for extreme violence at the drop of a hat, but your just an employee. And whats more not my employee. In fact far as I can see if you do die so long as I dont go back to Whiterun and tell your Jarl I can just collect your pay.
No, I'm not saying I'm going to kill you for your pay, just that I won't be hurrying down any mountains to see if your all right if you fall. That's all. Jeesh, why so moody all of a sudden? Women!


Hey we're at the top! We made it! Look how cool I look up here!
What? What do you mean there's a dragon behind me. Don't be stupid lass. I'm not fallin gfor that. Oh, really? A live dragon? Don't be daft, that's not a dragon its just a sculpture on top of that old ruin you daft bizzum.

Ok. I admit it. That might be a dragon Lydia.
You distract it whilst I think up a cunning plan from behind this large stone.

That's the way. Go girl! Be right there.
You've got his attention now!

Use magic on it Lydia! Go on, thats what its for.

Ha! Right on the nose. That's class that is. Nice one Lydia!

Ok. Maybe magic was a bad idea. My turn!

Ok. Your turn again Lydia!

Not to fear Lydia! Here I come to the rescue!
Canthiss fighting tips no.163#- If this is your view of a dragon you are way to bloody close!

Oh bugger! Lydiaaaa.........

{mumble.mumble.MUMBLE.ARRGGGHHHH!mumbel.Mumble} (Don't just stand there you stupid cow it stinks in here. Zap the bloody great lizard!)



Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!Ow! Ouch! ek!Ow!

Ok. Now I'm annoyed!

Now how is it you kill a dragon again? Ah, of course. You shoot 'em in their vunerables! Now where would a dragon keep its vunerables?
Same place as everyone else I suppose!

Come on my beauty!!

Oh yes! Right in the vunerables indeed!
Well Lydia what do you make of that then eh?

Hey, how come your not even singed? And when did you get time to do your hair and put makeup on? Oh never mind.
Look. Dinner! Hey I wonder if there's any cool stuff lying about we can nick.

What sarcophagus? What are you babbling on about lass. I don't see an opening sarcophagus containing the spirit of an evil Dragon Priest. Oh, over there!
Oh bollocks.

To be continued, maybe..........

Whooo, a skyrim lp!

Whats an lp Ally? (Besides a long play vinyl record I mean)

Let's play!

Have you got that mod on pc where you can decapitate child npcs? So bloody rude (not to mention annoying and bland!) I'd like to see some of that

Skyrim or Oblivion? If you mean Skyrim then I dunno about decapitation- I've got the mod which makes children killable by stuff rather than immortal- and I suppose if you decided for some reason to whaych a kid with a big sword you might trigger a death move and deapitate them.
I just have it though as otherwise it rather breaks the emmersion when a dragon torches a village and all the children are immune.

One of the best incidental non gameplay changing mods I have is birds of Skyrim- adds things like pigeons to town squares, ducks to ponds, that sort of thing- makes the place seem much more alive especially combined with the pets mod that puts cats and dogs in the towns and villages and in inns.

Pettytyrant101 wrote:Skyrim or Oblivion? If you mean Skyrim then I dunno about decapitation- I've got the mod which makes children killable by stuff rather than immortal- and I suppose if you decided for some reason to whaych a kid with a big sword you might trigger a death move and deapitate them.
I just have it though as otherwise it rather breaks the emmersion when a dragon torches a village and all the children are immune.

One of the best incidental non gameplay changing mods I have is birds of Skyrim- adds things like pigeons to town squares, ducks to ponds, that sort of thing- makes the place seem much more alive especially combined with the pets mod that puts cats and dogs in the towns and villages and in inns.

Skyrim- are there even any kids in Oblivion? Yeah all npcs can be pretty weird around dragons- they're off running down the road accidentally talk to them and they enter normal dialogue! I realize that they all operate automatic self-correction scripts and making it any more complex could break down the game, but still Also why are Redguard couples give birth to Imperial children? And basically they've all got the same face so pretty much I hate the children

Those mods sound fancy but are you getting vampire dlc? Well yes but not tomorrow... (Also, pets mod? How many mods do you have installed sheesh!)

I couldn't remember for sure if there were kids in Obliv or not. Still can't!
As to how many mods, well......

And here's the bottom half of the list!


And there's few more I manually installed that don't show on the modmanager.

People butting in I hate- you'll be talking to someone about some important plot point, or mission info and a random villager wandering by will suddenly interupt and sqauwk "My sister has a nice shop" or some other meaningless drivle.
I was TALKING here!

I could never get past two or three mods installed on morrowind without the entire game crashing even if it had good reviews, surely you must have had some game issues installing all those?


NPCs could be tweeked- the fact they call out to you every time you are within a few meters of them is annoying. Real people don't behave like that. And if you're flying pass and enter a building they make a point and try to carry on the conversation even if you're entered a building or something. I swear there is this one guy who only says the line MIND YOURSELF AROUND THE JARL and Lydia' I am sworn to carry your burdens also got pretty annoying

I don't expect npcs to start up a political debate with interesting opinions when they walk down the road, so cut down on the one liners and stop speaking to me!!!!

Though I remember the Radiant AI system that they tried in Oblivion- seems amazing- but sadly they couldn't wrinkle out the issues so only a few ever made it in

I remember that vid- the first real excitment at the prospect of Oblivion- sadly by the time I got a pc good enough to do it justice I had played it to death at rubbish quality levels.

I didn't have any mod clash problems until very recently- so one of four recently installed mods is causing the problem.
Bad problem too, it has effected a charcater script in such a way they dont go where they should be. And its a main quest mission its broken. So need to sort that out.
But suprisingly no, not had any other problems- no invisible items, or weird glitches or huge yellow exclamations marks like in Oblivion when object went wrong- it all seems to work fine.
I recommend joining Tex Nexus, getting your mods from there and using their download manager (thats the prog I snapshotted above)- it does all the work for you and seems to be good at avoiding problems.

I wish I knew what you people are talking about, its all gobbledegook. The only mods I know of like to wear parkas and run about on vespas

When I say Mod Clash Mrs Figg I am not referring to Brighton Beach!
Besides, not knowing does not stop you enjoyng the taleof Canthiss (the terminally inept but lucky) and his lovely sidekick Lydia (the extremely lovely and skilled).

But to bore you to tears Mrs Figg, mod is just short for modular.
A game like Skyrim, and one of its big selling points on pc, is that it comes with a Creation Kit- which as the name suggests let you create stuff. It is the program the game makers put together to make the game with.
The game of Skrim you buy, which has no mods, its just their game -is called the vanilla version, to differniate it from versions with mods running.

The up shot of this is anyone can have a go at altering the game, adding there own stuff, creating their own people, stories, whatever.
The version I play has lots of these mods added to it, these put lots of new things in the game-some change how it plays-like the frostbite mod that monitors your temperture, or the blacksmith tweaks that change how smithing works by expanding it a lot. Others are just nice- like the extra widlife and fish and birds. Or better lighting and weather effects. (or women with bigger bottoms- a must have mod I feel, women should have big bottoms-shows health, fertility and gives you something to hang onto )

I seem to have the big bottom mod as default mode.

Sounds good to me Mrs Figg.


Previously- Having declared that they would climb a mountain Canthiss and Lydia found themselves confronted with a Dragon on a mountaintop- after much being set on fire Canthiss shot the Dragon in the vurnerables and so ended it.
However no sooner had they done that when an Undead Dragon Priest burst from a coffin........


Lydia, I have plan. You keep him busy and I will get him from range...some considerable range in fact.
Yup this seems far enough away to be safe.

Oh dear Lydia! Not to worry Lydia, just lining up my shot, 2 secs.

Prepare to be rescued Lydia- oh

Well, at least I'm safe.

Ok, plan B-run away!!

{pant} Jings am buggered! Ok, where is he? Where's Lydia? Ok, calm down, control Canthiss. He's down there somewhere.

Come on where are you? uh-oh! Incoming!

Aha- it hit the rocks- he can't get me from there-stupid dead bloke. I've got you now.

More fire incoming- ha, you can't hit me up here dumbo!

Ouch! Lydia! Its Lydia to the rescue- you're not dead. What? I am not hiding! This is tactics women...all right I'm coming to help, sheesh.



I have a plan!! You go that way Lydia and keep him busy, no listen its a great plan, you go that way and get his attention and I'll sneak round behind.

Yes I'm sure it will work! Go get him woman!

Now just to sneak around. {snigger} I love sneaking up on people. {snigger}

There he is and he has no idea I'm here {snigger, snigger}

Note to self- don't snigger whilst creeping up on he bad guy!
Ah well only thing for it. Mace- meet face!

Oh yes!

Hey! It's nothing but an empty suit and a mask.

Hey Lydia come here.

Look how cool I look in this! I'm totally bad-ass!

Well there's no need to call me that!

Hey! There's a big chest up here. Now lets see whats in it

- oh some cool armour, a large bag of gold (I'll just slip that into my pocket I think) and, whats this- a tiara or something? Hey Lydia- I've got you a present. Go on, put it on. You'll lool lovely. Might make you a bit more, well feminine.
i aint saying your bum isnt big enough, it is, but all the rmour an weapons is all. Here put it on.

See, lovely! How cool and bad do we look? That was a rhetorical question Lydia!

OK, lets get the hell away from this place. Now where next?

Mmm that doesn't look far. Just across the valley from here.......

......somewhere.


To be continued.....

Pettytyrant101 wrote:I remember that vid- the first real excitment at the prospect of Oblivion- sadly by the time I got a pc good enough to do it justice I had played it to death at rubbish quality levels.

I didn't have any mod clash problems until very recently- so one of four recently installed mods is causing the problem.
Bad problem too, it has effected a charcater script in such a way they dont go where they should be. And its a main quest mission its broken. So need to sort that out.
But suprisingly no, not had any other problems- no invisible items, or weird glitches or huge yellow exclamations marks like in Oblivion when object went wrong- it all seems to work fine.
I recommend joining Tex Nexus, getting your mods from there and using their download manager (thats the prog I snapshotted above)- it does all the work for you and seems to be good at avoiding problems.

Trying playing morrowind on a computer that can only just handle it...dedication that! I think my current computer can play oblivion slightly better but I'm not sure how it would handle a fully modded oblivion but I'm still playing it on a relatively low graphic level


Is Lydia levelling with you? She died after I had got past level20 and I didn't think she was levelling with me- though I guess with your mods you can do ANYTHING

One of the options the Companion Overhaul gives when you are talking to companions is 'you should train'- passes a couple hours in game and then your companion is levelled to whatever level you are- they specialise in whatever stuff you've given them- so if you've tooled them up with a warhammer they will put it into two-handed ect.
You can also give them spell books and then tell them to read it and they will learn spells.

Previously- having decided to climb a mountain, and then having to fight a dragon at the top of it, and the undead spirit of a Dragon Priest, Canthiss and Lydia are cold and tired and the afternoon is wearing away as they make their way back down the mountain to try to cross the valley floor in order to find a cave containing an ancient relic.
At the mountains foot they find an abandoned Giant camp, complete with a warming giant fire.


Ah, this is more like it. I can feel the blood flowing to those parts I wasn't sure I still had. Hey Lydia, come and get warm.
And I need you to carry something for me, I'm weighed down here.

"I am sworn to carry your burdens"
You know you're an employee don't you Lydia? I mean, a bit less bloody sarcasm in your voice wouldn't go amiss. And yes, as it happens you damn well are sworn to do whatever I tell you, but you don't have to say that in such a sarky bloody way EVERY single time I ask you to carry something!

You know what, I was going to give you some health potions- but if you're going to be like that I'll just keep them shall I? Haha! Not so bloody sarky now are we. Come on we're going.

Hey look Lydia! There's a road here, lets see where it goes. Yes we are going to the cave but do you want to be out here at night? You get dragons during the day and undead priests, what the buggery comes out at night? No, I dont know either, and I don't want to find out, so lets follow the bloody road ok?

Hey I can see a building over the hill there. Do you see it? No, over there you dozy cow. What its going to be doing in the bushes?

Hey its an Inn. Looks friendly enough and no more forzen underparts, we can get a room for the night.

Hello Innkeep, I'd like a room for two for the night.

Well don't just stand there staring man, whats the matter with you?
What's that Lydia, ooh, the mask- right, of course.

Sorry, can we have a room for the night. That's better. 20 gold? Bloody hell no wonder the place is empty!
This it then is it, for 20 gold? Hey hold on a minute, there's only one bed. Hey dont just walk away. What do you mean they're all singles!

Ok sorry Lydia, you are going to have to sleep on the chair. Why? Because I'm the Dragonborn here- see? Me hero. You lackey.

You'll arm wrestle me for it. Did I mention I'm Dragon born and your not? Fine. We'll arm wrestle soon decide this.

Bugger!



After a night of restful sleep for Lydia and chronic backpain for the Dragonborn......


Smell that morining air. It is not night Lydia! Its 5am, that's morning. Why are you complaining you didn't spend the night in a rickety old chair you miserable cow.

Hurry up then, we need to get down to the lake and round the other side still.

See, told you! There's the lake. Would you stop doddling behind. We're on a schedule here woman!

Hey look there's some poeple up ahead. Hey! There under attack from that bear and a sabretooth cat- what an odd partenrship.

Help them? Well I suppose we might get a reward if we do. OK. Lets do it.

Blimey they look bigger close up! Have at you ya bast! Don't jab it in the bum with your staff Lydia! You'll only annoy it!

Its ok, we killed them. You come out now. Thanks and rewards gratefully received.

Hey! Hello? Well that's bloody gratitude for you. Not a bloody word. Yeah, you just carry on your way then. See if I stop to help strangers again!

What a bunch of miserable cat people they were. I hope your milk is sour!!! Hey Lydia look, the cave. Its right here!

What? It'll be safe. Its probably just a few caves, worse thng we will meeet will be a bear or somethng. You are such a worrier.
It looks.....fine.



To be continued.....

Having climbed a mountain, been roasted by a Dragon, harassed by a Dead Priest, frozen by the weather and having spent an uncomfortable night in an unfriendly inn Canthiss and Lydia are now entering a cave, purported to be the home of a legendary artifact.


See. Told you. Its just a cold, icey cave. We'll be back out in two minutes, treasure in hand. Mark my words Lydia.

Did you roar? Hah. Ok its just a bear. I said they'd probably be a bear in here- no biggie. Well ok its sort of a biggie. But we can handle it.

Ahh! What the f**k is that?

Kill it Lydia- zap it. Oh yeah good thinking you silly bint- use frost magic on a thing that lives in an ice cave.

Hey, no need to look so smug- that really shouldn't have worked you know.

Hey look this cave has a door.

I know I said it was just a cave, it is. I bet the artifact is just on the other side of this door. OK, maybe not.

(Some undead killing later)
What? What you looking at? What? This is not a tomb, two undead guys do not make it a tomb of the undead. Its just a cave. Sheesh you dont half exaggerrate.

Did you moan then? No, it wasn't me...ah.







What? Ok, ok- it's a tomb of undead. Happy now?

Blimey I'm a bit weighed done here- hold on I need to dump some of this stuff I'm carrying. Yeah that's better. What? Never you mind where I was keeping the shovel.

Come on, it can't be much further not like this place is huge or something. Oh bugger.

Well at least there is no more undead in here- well apart from her anyway.

Is it immoral to smash a woman in the face with a mace if she is already dead? Ah bugger it.

Now what you complaining about? What? Where did I hear about this place? Some random bloke in an alchemy shop asked me to come here and retrieve this aritfact. No he didn't mention it was in a tomb of undead he said a bloody cave.

I am not a f***ing idiot! Don't look at me like that.

Just shut up and follow me ok? It can't be far now. Come on.

Big room this. Quiet though, thats good. Mmm, your right that does look a bit like a fancy sarcophagus.

And apprently not empty.

Well there's only one of them. Not to worry. What? Why? Whats behind me?

I'll take the minions- you keep the big bad busy. Yes that is fair, theres only one of him theres loads of these minions.

What? Bit busy at the moment, try running round in a big circle so he has to chase you.

Right. Ready to help. Where's the bad guy? Ah.

(Lots of fighting and health potions later)
Blimey. Everyone whose dead actaully dead now? Does anyone in Skyrim ever get buried and just stay there.

Good. Now where next. Must be a way out of here somewhere. What? This big obvious passage. OK, easy for you to see, you're carrying the bloody torch woman.

There it is! What do you mean how do I know. Its got a bloody great magical arrow pointing at it you numpty.

I don't f***ing believe it!! I'm going to kill that alchemist. The damn things bust!

What you giggling at? Shut it, we're leaving.

If you don't stop laughing I'm going to slug you one.


To be continued.

hey you are not very polite to poor Lydia you know. better be careful she might thump you one.
(((I would )))

Canthiss isnt nice to anyone, for some reason I made him a bit crabbit. And almost everything Canthiss declares with total authority and self-importance is nearly always completely wrong.
Besides she was appointed his Housecarl and bodyguard by her Jarl, so she doesn't have a choice.
I see her as strong, fierce, bright and attractive but saddled with an idiot, who nevertheless is the 'choosen one', the Dragonborn.
So she puts up with him despite the fact she could probably floor him with one punch.
Besides first episode she took the piss out his mask, second she beat him at an armwrestle to win the bed for the night and the third ep ends with her laughing her arse off at him.
I think its obvious whose really in charge.

{{{And for those who have played the game they will understand there is some well deserved venom coming her way as she can be really annoying in a game sense- she has hardly any dialogue lines for some reason so everytime you ask her to do something she repeats the same unskippable dialogue- can drive you mad after 100 hours gaming that can. And she has a bad habit of standing in your way and refusing to move, especially when your trying to go through doorways. So there's an element of geting my own back on her here.}}}

Well she is sworn to carry your burdons

Indeed- and doesn't she like to remind you of it, every sodding time!

Would you please stop humming? We have to get back to Windhelm so I can get very angry at an alchemist. See its just along this road.


Come on. And knock off the humming! What do you mean as Housecarl it's your duty to compose my saga?


So what are you composing? The what?! The Ballad of Canthiss the Brave and the Quest for the Broken Bottle?!
Hold on, all this rushing water, I need to take a leak.


Hey! Look the other way or something!


Ahh yes, that's better. No, I don't think Brave Sir Canthiss and the Knackered Artifact is any better!


OK. What's it going to take for you leave out this particular episode from my saga? A new outfit? I'm not made of money. The Ballad of Canthiss the Easily Conned?


Fine. OK! Enough with the songs! I'll buy you a new outfit. Look there's Windhelm. I'll get you a new outfit once I've dealt with Alchemist.


Closed until further notice! Why that sneaky little !*&@!


See I'm buying you a new outfit. Keep an eye out for people with sneaky eyes trying to pickpocket me.


Happy now! Trust you to pick Elven- do you know how much that stuff costs? No we can't go to an inn for the night- I'm skint now. We don't even have any dinner. But I noticed a small boat on the river down there- so we are going fishing. You can go in the boat and I'll try my luck from the shore.

Several hours later....

Caught anything yet? 2 slaughterfish! You're hopeless. Look what I got!


What do you mean 'how are we going to carry it?'


Come on. Maybe we can find somewhere to trade a shark for a bed for the night. Well have you got a better idea? No, thought not, so zip it.


Hello whats this? Do they look like they are on guard for something to you Lydia?
'Hello there sir, this is your lucky day for shark.'


'So how about bed for two in return for rather a lot of shark meat? Giants? No, just shark."


'OH, you're on the look out for giants. Two giants no less. Well we can help you watch. Shouldn't be too hard to spot giants after all."

A night of giant watch later....


Hey Lydia, these villagers are offering a big reward for these giants. What do you say? Of course they dont have the strength to knock you into space. Who told you that? Oh, you will really believe anything woman.


According to those villagers the Giant camp is down this hill, just past the watermill.


Must be close now. Come on, and keep an eye out for giants. Well no they aren't likely to creep up on us.


I think we've found them. Maybe we can try talking to them first, yes, given the size of them that seems wise.


Lydia! Hey, don't look at me big fella it was her zapped you.


'Well you did start it lydia. OK, OK I'm coming."


Lydia!


Where did she go? Ahh! No time for mysteries.


Run away, run away!


Lydia! How did you get over here? Don't be daft a glancing blow couldn't have knocked you this far. Lucky you landed in the water though if it did. I told you already, they can't knock you into space.


That's the way. You keep them busy will I think of a cunning plan.


Umm, I can't think of a cunning plan- they're bigger than us, stronger than us and you're just annoying them with that lightining crap. Plan B! Run away!


Lydia! I'll save you.


UM, well I've got their attention!

--WHACK!!!!!!!!!!!----

Whooooo!


AArrggghhhhh!


-Blluuuuueeeeergh!-


Where the hell did I put the Featherfall spell?!


BBBUUUUGGGGEEERRRRRRRR!


To be continued........

Giants don't like water; you should have really taken the giant down from there