LITTLE FORUMSHIRE in FULL COLOUR (Unwanted visitors risk interference!)

willy- waggling should not be attemped by the amateur or unsupervised. And nook-nook should never be attempted without the proper equipment and a miners light.

Poncho, of course, was from the Northern Hebridean Icecoasts, Petty - his language is quite different to your modern Scotshobbit.

I'll try to explain by giving examples. For instance, you yourself might say: "Wood ye nock the noodle nooky-nook upza nelly?"

Where Poncho's McTyrant clan would have expressed it something like, "Fook za noodle wiggle-waggle upyee arso me nookzy nelly nubkin, hmmm?"

Almost a different language, but the nooky would be the same.

2spooky !

So Orwell do I need a miners helmet or not?

FIVE


"Willy-waggling should not be attemped by the amateur or unsupervised," Prince Odo was saying as the coach bumped along on a rough section of the Greenway (around two pm). "And nook-nook should never be attempted without the proper equipment and a miners light."

"Willy-waggling?"

"Oh you know - playing Quidditch with an all-girls team. I don't approve of it actually."

"Oogle doogle me hearty?"

"Just so."

They had a good laugh over that.

"Though your Hebridean Icecoasters type does get a bit carried away with it - and miner's lights? I'd call that cheating, don't you think?"

"Nooky za tin booket noodle woodle!"

They had another good laugh.

"Droll, Poncho," Prince Odo spluttered wiping tears from his eyes. "Very droll! Next thing you'll be saying is, "Ook za bootum squiggle wiggle."

Ponch was taking a sip from his buckie flask just then and, not surprisinly I think you'll agree, he splurted buckie all over the place. I don't think we can blame him, do you? It was pretty funny.

Once they had composed themselves, Prince Odo said, "Isn't that Midland Junction up ahead?"

"Ock za nelly nubble bubble, pootzy wootzy me darlin'."

"Fotheringham, you say? Oh yes, my mistake..."


to be continued...

Miners hat it is then. {{{Hebridean icecoasting rules! I should have guessed. Bloody islanders. }}}

Just so.

{{{Note to self: I wonder if Petty is annoyed by those references to the Hebridean Icecoasters yet... I do hope so. Hee hee hee...}}}

jokes like cages in an abandoned zoo

SIX

"Ooogle za dangly bits?"

"Well, it is all the rage, young Poncho. Yes, it's all the rage," Prince Odo answered, almost dreamily. "And for once I concur with the Forumshiran common-ruck. It's one of those old fashioned tales, methinks. Beautiful heroine, you know, but in that sweet girl-next-door way, sweet but not necessarily naive. Naive, no, not all, but still all class. Dressing appropriately, I mean - and is she or isn't she aware of her potent sensulaity? Excellent writing..."

"Barradocky?"

"No. I said 'sensuality, not 'sexuality'. There really is quite a difference."

"Woggly underza awning. Preppy the proppy barnback!"

"Really, you must lift your mind above your sporran, Poncho. This kind of heroine would never be found behind the barn."

"Ooobie joobies, Prince Odo. Ock! 'Dooktor! Dooktor! Wiggle me wobblies! Stethoscope ma kneedlies!'"

"You can be quite revolting when you want to be, you know. Really! I mean, really! Anyhow, when we get to Gondor I'm going straight to the newsagent and get a copy of the latest Forumshire Science Review to see if the next chapter has been published. I'm quite smitten with that Miss Figgy. Sweet and delicate and not at all a floozy. Just the kind of young lass a respectable Prince would fall in love with. She's a traditional heroine. I hope that idea has got through to your pea brain."

"Woggle boggle ock the nelly?"

"Very funny, Poncho. I really don't know why I even bother talking to you sometimes. No class! None!"

to be continued...

so both still in school

Ooobie joobies, Prince Odo. Ock! 'Dooktor! Dooktor! Wiggle me wobblies! Stethoscope ma kneedlies!'

of course

gentile da foligno was a lover of mine...on the steps of genoa

oh sorry ,misread gentile as genital!!

Hmm...? This is Little Forumshire... not that other place...

Sorry Odo, must have been the buckie talking, again.

I apologise, and I promise not to mention balls of any sort again, especially never dangly ones, or great big hairy ones, or ones that look like what happens when a walnut mates with a coconut, I promise.

Ahh! There's no place like home. Especially when the riffraff are no longer here.

Orwell wrote:'Does your mum drive you to your dance class?' Is apparently the new best insult?

Uh huh

Come if you must, Ally, but remember, this is Little Forumshire. I stand alone in my powers here!

thanks for makine me a citizen preisedient owell

SCANDALOUS MODERATION

News has just come in that a certain unknown Moderator has altered another Moderators Post. Police suspect it was a close associate of CC12 35 (known as Kooky Carly!)

Orwell: "An utter disgrace! And worse because I missed it completely! I'm hurt and outraged. I guess it's only fortunate I'm not the vengeful type.... Anyhow, I'm off. Ol' Anon is about to publish a diary he found on the train to Cardiff and he wants me to edit out the more salacious parts.... I may have to publish under my own name - as said Evil Moderator won't be able to interfere with my posts if I do that... "

Lesbo Proudfoot
Editor in Chief
The Archet Bugle

Odo: Now I've called you all here for a Most Secret Council for two reasons. One being, I haven't had one for ages, and the other being: Orwell asked me to.

Orwell [emotionally]: That's true.

Porgy: Oh you do seem very emotional, Orwell, that's not like you.

Orwell: No, it's not, Podgy.

Porgy: It's Porgy, actually.

Orwell: What?

Porgy: It's Porgy, not Podgy.

Orwell [under breath]: Fookin' Scotshobbit! Can't even get your name right... and that's just part of the problem...

Odo: What are you gabbling on about?

Orwell [with a manly pout]: Nothing.

Odo: Anyway, much as we citizens of Little Forumshire don't talk much about the other place, Orwell still has some Official Role over there and apparently that includes sitting on some mysterious artefact... what was it, oh yes, The Horn of Dilemma... sounds positively vulgar if you ask me...

Orwell: It's a perplexing problem, not an artefact.

Odo: So you say. Well why you have to sit on it is still a mystery, to me at least. Anyway, spell it out... I do have a batch of jelly brewing, you know, which frankly needs attending to...

Orwell: Well, it's Mrs Figg and Petty...

Odo: Oh sweet Eru eat my cumberbund! They're not at it again are they?

Jane: Oh Odo, must you mention such things in polite company.

Anne: He doesn't mean 'at it'- perish the thought - he means 'at it.'

Jane: Oh, I see. You mean their other favorite pastime, don't you!  

Orwell: I'm not sure you'd call it a 'favorite' pastime... unless you think metaphorically disembowelling each other is something they like doing.

Odo: Why would you do it otherwise? I mean, back when I was a young hobbit...

Anne: Oh cousin, please let Orwell get on with it. I do have my Green Revolution Class to get to.

Porgy: And Biffo and I have something or other that needs urgent doing.

Biffo: Wot?

Porgy: You know... something or other...

Jane: What a lot of 'others' we're having today.

Sir Rupert Dashing: Aye.

Anne: I thought you were dead, Uncle?

Sir Rupert Dashing: Nay, lass - least, I can't remember due to my greying hair, and all.

Orwell: I wish you'd lot concentrate.

Anne: Good luck with that.

Odo: The trouble as I see it...

Orwell [loking up hopeflly]: Yes?

Odo: ... is that we haven't had a Council for so long we've forgotten how to have a proper one.

Orwell: Pardon?

Jane: No, I agree, Odo - shut up a moment Orwell if you don't mind. Perhaps, Odo should bring his jelly tub in here, instead of leaving it in Boobialla's bed chamber. This dining hall seems incomplete without it somehow.

Mirabella: I thought it caused too many... problems... I seem to remember.

Odo: I know it was never suitable for eating after the other other councils we had... nonetheless, I see your point.

Odo sent his new Urak Hai butler to get his new batch of Raspberry Jelly from Boobialla's room.

After that, they sorted out all of Orwell's concerns (whatever they were) and they all lived happily ever after, which was a nice change, don't you think? Mind you, this was Little Forumshire where everyone respected each other (apparently) and never misunderstood each other (apparently), or so it's said.

The mor Morsi we come across the mor Morsi we The mor Morsi we come across the mor Morsi we The mor Morsi we come across the mor Morsi we The mor Morsi we come across the mor Morsi we the mor

It's reassuring to see that the Bankses haven't entirely shut themselves away in Little Forumshire.