WHOLESOME TALES [2]

I would never be one to suggest you get off your lazy arse and do it yourself, Norc - but you could you know.

HAHA!!


lol no.

Chapter Eighteen
Radagast the Brown (or Beige)

After the adventure with the bicycling fish, the Questers trekked on and before long, about six days on foot or an hour by eagle, they came to the outer curtain of Mirkwood. Mirkwood was also called (by some) the Great Greenwood, and (by some others) the Darkgreenwood - or even Mirkygreenwood, which is what I prefer. They fell to discussing the various colour schemings in the forest's many names.

"Well, enough talk of pedantic colour schemings," Chris said at last. "Where to from now?"

The Questers then had a murmurred conversation - which I could not quite catch - and it was decided they go South.

"After all," Elthir commented, "Dul Guldur is in that direction." He spoke with shining eyes because he had quite enjoyed the conversation about colour schemings, especially the details on 'hues' that Eldo brought to it. (Eldo was too jealous to concede to Elthir's generosity, of course).

So for the next part of the day, which was probably the late afternoon because the shadows were stretching out quite alarmingly, they marched southward.

"Look," Lance said as the looked down a long slope in the gathering shadows. 'Are they lights down ahead?"

"Do you mean those lights down in the trees?" Tin asked excitedly.

"Yes those lights," Lance said, and in the kind of sarcastic tone that can get you killed in Forumshire.

"It must be the house of Radagast the Beige!" Elthir cried, clapping his hands.

"Not the Radagast the Beige who trains rabbits for sledge-pulling?" Amarie gasped.

"I thought that Radagast was Radagast the Brown," Eldo commented with a wicked gleam in his eye.

"He is known by both appellations, actually," Elthir retorted, trying to sound whimsical, but they all could see he was truly pissed by Eldo's smarmy smartarsedness.

"No he's not," Eldo proclaimed grandly.

"Shut it!" Julia cried. "I'm not having you idiots start up another argument about colour schemings --- and as to all that 'hue' talk earlier, well that really pissed me off and I'm so glad Ol' Anon was too lazy to detail it... No more, I say!"

"Yes, Miss!" said Elthir and Eldo.

In a trice, Julia lead them by a miraculous white cobbled path into the great Mirkygreenwood.

They found a rather remarkable house built there. A kind of Georgian-Tudor-Plantagenent Summer Palace outhouse. Radagast was in his potting shed tickling a hedgehog on the belly. They both looked embarrassed when Orwell politely tapped on the window, and the hedgehog ran off pulling up it's trousers.

"Hmmm..." a red faced Radagast said (though Elthir would probably have said cerise) when he opened the window. "How can I help you, wandering fairies?"

"We are looking for a certain hobbit by name Odo Banks," Julia said, speaking for everyone, she being the natural leader, and the most feared. "Do you know where he is?"

"Oh yes, indeed. He's the CEO of Mirkwood Industries and Security Services at Dol Guldur - or, as we call it around here, M.I.S.S., Miss."

The Questers were quite surprised to hear this, though I guess they shouldn't have been.

"CEO?" Rodney exclaimed. "Do you mean Cleo?"

"No, he means 'Chief Execitive Officer'," Amarie told him kindly. "Cleo is a girl's name. It's easy to get confused."

"Ock tha noo!" Petty cried, frothing at the mouth. "Wotz zis aboot Oodoo Bunks?"

"We're on a Quest to rescue him from the Necromancer," Julia quietly broke the news to him.

"Fook me dad!" Petty expostulated. "Un too thunk nibiddy did a'tell me thut! Ockza ironnee!"

"Sounds like he doesn't need rescuing at all," Lance said. "CEO? He sounds like he's fallen securely on his furry feet."

"Which is not really surprising at all," Amarie said rolling her eyes.

"I thougt he'd been captured by the Necromancer," Eldo said with narrowed eyes.

"He was," Radagast told them happily, "at first.... But when the Necromancer saw how useful he could be, he put him to work. Wonderful chap that Odo. He's ended Mirkwood poverty, got the orcs doing charitable works, and now you can walk the dark avenues of Mirkwood at night without being mugged - so long as you've paid your fees!"

"You make him sound almost respectable," Neek exhaled in amazement.

"He has always been almost respectable," Aleek commented. And that, of course, was true and - for once - not esoteric at all, even though it had come out of Aleek's mouth.

{{{{ }}}

I would formally like to complain to ANon that my portrayal has only one catchphrase and it contains neither buckie nor crabbit.

"Shut it!" Julia cried. "I'm not having you idiots start up another argument about colour schemings ---

yeah and talking about grass length can get you killed in Forumshire...

"Yes, Miss!" said Elthir and Eldo.

I should think so too.

yeah and talking about grass length can get you killed in Forumshire...- Mrs Figg

Never in Forumshire Mrs Figg, where the length of grass or the shade of a horse is considered a proper subject for discussion.

Surely the 'hue' of the grass is more important than it's 'length', Petty. But where's our expert on this very important numinous subject - Elthir, that is (sorry Eldo!) - when you need him?

Chapter Nineteen
Frodo turns up to read further from the Book of Geneticist in the House of Radagast the Brown (or Beige)

Radagast's house was amazing for the Clever Animals who could cook wonderful dishes - usually containing honey - and serve them in their cloven hands, if they had them, or in a coil of their tails, if they were snakes, taking into account the generic idea that all creatures - excluding flora, of course - are animals, even reptiles like snakes, though not trouser snakes which are not a whole animal, just part of one, though a very important part, at least in some cultures, not that a lot of animals even think about it, they just use their trouser snakes in the way Nature (or Eru) intended, not that animals need trousers to have trouser snakes, it's just a figurative term, if you know what I mean, and I'm sure you do.

Anyway, no one here is really interested in clever animals I'm sure, but I'm sure you are interested in further tales from the Book of Geneticist, which is just as well, for that is exactly what you are in for...

About 9.00pm Radagast the Brown (or Beige) lead the Questers out into his fields. He had three of them, not huge ones, just ones large and grassy enough to feed his goats - and once that Wonderful Wizard had them organized he said: "Notice how the grass in this part of the field is all flattened and of circular dimension?"

"Oooh!" said Azriel in awe. "It's a Flattened Circle. I've heard about them."

Just then Frodo Baggins turned up. "Look you people, I'm here to try once more to tell you a Tale from the Book of Geneticist."

"Oh goody," Aleek exclaimed. "I did ever so much enjoy the last one."

"Especially the bit about delicious trees," Orwell put in clapping his hands.

"But this is your last chance," Frodo said sternly. "Because If I get awhole lot of interruptions this time then... well that's it... IT! I say! Okay?"

"Okay"," said the Questers and they sat down in a ring in the Flattened Circle, with their legs crossed and their eyes glinting eagerly in the moonlight under the stars.

"Hmmm... Book of Geneticist, Book 3.7..."(Frodo began). "Where was I up to? Oh yes.... And Eru, on the request of Adam, made him a Woman... He called her Eve, because she was the 'Eve' of almost everything bad in existence, though he was pleased with the shape of her breasts but forgot to make her a doodle. 'I shall now make creatures from Outer Space,' said He. 'Little Green Men I shall make them, three score and ten centimetres tall, with shiny pixie eyes - reddened - and lovely little antennae. And they shall be an Advanced Race - even if somewhat spindly - for their heads shall be large with brainy brains, and they shall have the Wisdom to make Pyramids and carriages that Fly through the Sky on the Dark Side of the Moon where they live. And the Race of Adam will be very impressed with the Crop Circles they make in a later Era - Crop Circles that some one day may also call Flattened Circles (in Forumshire). And these Circles shall verily astonish and perplex all the Generations of Adam's Race - except the Georgians, which goes without saying, what with their gay parties and ornate furniture and silly powdered wigs which will distract all that Generation.'

"And Eru did exactly as He said,"(Frodo contnued sombrely). "And the Martians were made out of star dust. 'I at a time of my choosing,' (saith Eru). 'Shall furthermore turn the Earth from flatness to roundness at a time of my Choosing - as said aforeherealready - this being in the future time of my Son, Copernicus, for I am a Knowing God who can adapt to the Curious Nature of Adam - and the prying gossipy Nature of Eve - for is it not Right that the Creater of Everything (ME!) can change the manifested Universe to a shape and consistency of my choosing, in line with Adam's developing view of the Universe, thus adding Planets and Moons and Super Novas - and even Black Holes come the Twentieth Century?' 'Of course you can,' Adam said dutifully, "for you are Very God.' 'I AM, and don't you forget it.' 'Yes, Sir! Hallelulah!' 'And in a Later day I shall move my Martians to a New Planet of My Creation which will be called Mars.' 'Oh Glory be!' said Adam. 'How stupid it all is,' Eve whispered rolling her eyes secretly, but not secretly enough, for All Knowing Eru heard her titter and saw her eyes a'rolleth, and said, 'For this infraction of my sensibilities you shall know the pain of childbirth, Eve.' "Which was only fair, of course," Frodo mumbled under his breath with a sigh of satisfaction. "And that's why there are Flattened Circles," Frodo added loudly and with a grand flourish. "I mean, even now you sitteth upon the grass of a Martian Spaceboat rest-site."

"This very Flattened Circle we're sitting in?" Neek asked with eyes like saucers.

"Indeed, a Spaceboat landed here just yesterday," Radagast told them with some pride.

"It can't be as large a Spaceboat as the one Chris Bombadildo crash landed in and turned into a house, I expect, " Chris said. "The one in the Old Forest."

"No, this was definitely smaller," Radagast told him sagely. "One of those delightful Space Flitterbugs that are now on the market - only on Mars, of course."(Everyone laughed). "Now who's for a nice cup of tea?"

"I AM, I AM!" cried everyone; and they went back into Radagast's House and had that cup of tea, and it was good.

As he was falling off to sleep that night, Lance whispered to Halfy who was reclining on the bedmat beside him, "Some people doubt Aliens exist, but the fact is, Eru made Martians, it's right there smack in the middle of Geneticist for all to see. I mean, if there are no Martians how can there be Flattened Circles?"

And even Halfy couldn't argue with such logic.

Well, now that my love life has degenerated to curling up next to aliens I don't think I'm in any position to argue about Martians!

At this rate Odo will still be in Dol Guldur come xmas!
So some good news from all this then.

Halfy if its the green Orion slaver sort from ST your doing all right- if its via Gieger your in the shit mate- and I wouldnt try to find its eroginous zones if I were you.

Hey! Ol' Anon was still editing! You'll just have to read it again!

Pettytyrant101 wrote:Halfy if its the green Orion slaver sort from ST your doing all right- if its via Gieger your in the shit mate- and I wouldnt try to find its eroginous zones if I were you.

Umm, Lance....what planet are you from?

I'd wondered about that too.

Oh yes.... And Eru, on the request of Adam, made him a Woman...

So am I reading this right? Adam was a transsexual then?

I suspect you may be over-interpreting the material before you, Davey.... {{{}}}

''except the Georgians, which goes without saying, what with their gay parties and ornate furniture and silly powdered wigs which will distract all that Generation.' '

Sink meh! dont forget Madame Mirkins coffee house for decadent young fops and scallywags of the first water.

Next il be seeing Baldric as Bilbo

he has a Cunning Plan to steal the Arkenstone.

Not a turnip then ?

The turnip is what he will end up stealing by accident. Everyone else loses- Baldric wins.

Chapter Twenty
Odo Returns - Some Might Say Anti-Climaxedly

Halfy had barely stopped not being able to argue with such logic when who should saunter into the Flattened Circle but Odo Banks.

"Is that who I think it is?" Orwell said in shock. "My goodness, and some might indeed say quite anti-climaxedly, and anti-climaxedly being probably not even a word - except possibly in Forumshire. Not only that, I think this proves once and for all that Odo is only an associate of mine and not some doppleganger or some similar such manifestation!"

"Ock tha noo! Ooodu Bunks imselve!" Petty said in a churlish Scottish manner. "Me crabbitz-a-hootin' rite now... Ock tha noo... un jus at thee seet of yoo... I coulda hoon-doon buckie bee thee poond - by thee Ungleesh poond I tull ya! - effen iv I deed woon day safe oop soo mooch mooney, alas!"

"Hey!" Julia grumbled. "Is this how the Quest ends? With Odo sauntering into a Flattened Circle and not one bit of bloodshed?"

"I'm not sure about that," Odo said suavely. "I have a Cunning Plan you see..."

"Cunning Plan?" Azriel sighed. "That sounds like a stunningly fresh manner-of-speaking!"

"Yes - and it involves the borrowing of the Farkenstone..." says our Odo.

"Shouldn't that be the 'Arkenstone'?" Eldo asked quickly, before Elthir could show off by making the obvious connection himself.

"No, the 'Far - ken - stone'," Odo said slowly and deliberately so it could not be confused for 'Fuckinstone'. "The Boss wants me to go to the Lonely Mountain and... borrow it for him..."

"Why not just steal a turnip and pretend it's the Farkenstone..." Julia snorted derisively. Aside to Orwell, she whispered. "'Farkenstone' is it... This Tale gets more boring by the second.'"

"Oh no," Orwell whispered back. "I'm sure this will take the Quest in a totally new and exciting direction."

You could tell by the look on Julia's beautiful but cross-just-then face that she didn't believe a word of it.

"Who's this Boss of yours?" Lance asked brusquely, not knowing those kinds of questions could get you killed in Forumshire.

"It is a secret I must keep," Odo said archly.

"It's Sauron isn't it," Amarie said bad temperedly.

"Like I said, I can't say," Odo retorted with his thumbs thrust proudly behind his braces. "Are you people in it or not?"

"We could take a vote," Tin said helpfully.

And so the Questers voted about 53% For, 28% Against with the rest abstaining.

"Grab your things from the House of Radagast the Brown (or Beige) and we'll be off immediately," Odo Banks ordered them.

"But it's late at night," Eldo squealed in fright and he being afraid of the dark (apparently)(which I only just remembered).

"I have a bad feeling about all this," Ringo commented, he barely having said anything the whole adventure.

"WE all do," Amarie commmented in her wise and preternatural tone.

"Aye!" Petty grumbled in crabbity cross-eye-edness. "Aye, laddie! Und eyem boogered why efer eye voted 'For' - ock tha noo!"