WHOLESOME TALES

THE TALE OF THE TWO SISTERS


Once upon a time, somewhere in Angleshire, there were two sisters, Chastity and Flighty. They were identical twins, though not on the inside, for Chastity was sweet natured, obedient and always helpful, and Flighty was temperamental, disagreeable and often disobedient. One was selfless and the other selfish, but I'll let the reader guess who was who.

One morning, their mother yelled stridently from the kitchen, "Will you please get out of bed."

Chastity said, "But I already am out of bed, Mother, and dressed for school, hair brushed and teeth polished. I've made the breakfast you're eating, as I do every day. I've baked that wholemeal muffin you're eating. You've already had that mint tea infusion I infused, and quaffed that bowl of steaming porridge with sultanas I made to make you regular."

"Oh I see that, my favorite daughter, how silly of me. Serves me right for staying up half the night at that Science Teacher meeting. One too many wines, I'm 'fraid. My head's all addled still. I think I must still be pis....."

"Never mind, Mother, I'm sure Illuvatar understands, what with there not being a positive role model in the house and all."

Mother smiled solemnly, "I can always trust you to say the sensible thing, favorite child. You've always been more respectable than anyone I know. I swear you can't have got it from me, or from any of the myriad other women and girls of our family circle. It's a gift from Illuvatar. I'm sure of it.... But what about that horrid sister of yours?"

"Oh she is sleeping in as usual, worn out I'm afraid; far too flaccid to help anyone around the house like nice girls should. She was on that unrespectable Forum you both seem to waste so much of your time on - as late as 9pm I'm afraid. Her giggles woke me several times during the evening. But I said nothing, nor complain, for that wouldn't be polite."

Mother became very angry just then. "How is it that you are so pure and Flighty is so... so....I did tell her to go to bed at six - but she never listens. Too busy expressing her own young girl thoughts. Children (especially girls) should be seen and not heard. I can never get a word in. I think I'll get the wooden spoon..."

"It never works with her, dear Mother, no matter how hard you swing it."

"No, but it works with me!"

Chastity took up the breakfast utensils from the kitchen table and washed them. It was enjoyable to perform her role, dutifully and happily. Of course, she had to block her ears though, for Chastity was not the kind of girl who liked hearing naughty girls, even her more than deserving sister, being thrashed with a spoon.

"If only Flighty would be a tiny bit more respectable, I'm sure all would be well," Chastity said sadly as she lovingly scraped the fry-pan clean.


EXCERPT FROM:
THE BIG BOOK OF WHOLESOME TALES (FOR CHILDREN, ESPECIALLY GIRLS)
Unknown author.
Published by BUGLE BOOKS
Sponsored by Odo R. Banks, esquire.

I've always loved that story! Opens the truly adult mind, but still suitable for children.

iz krakka i ken

Certainly not one of those tawdry modern tales you get nowadays. Well done, Bugle. We can always count on your good taste!

:-Jane
Mother Superior
Our Lady

I liked the spoon part.

"A moral tale is always good,
At the going-off to bed,
It fills one up with righteousness,
And pushes sins out from the head.

A moral tale lifts one up,
And as the sinless always said,
A wooden spoon, as a symbol,
Brings the right amount of dread.

Oh a moral tale teaches little ones,
To ply a righteous road ahead,
Or else the child might go to hell,
When Eru strikes her dead!"


THE BOOK OF WHOLESOME DREAD,
AN ANTHOLOGY.
Anonymous Author.
PUBLISHED NEXT YEAR


Wisey Banks

"I think I'll get the wooden spoon.."-Archet

I need a weeping with laughter emoticon these ones just don't do that piece justice. And whilst in most matters I'm all for the NotP (they pay the buckie afterall) I have to give some reluctant praise to this firm upholding of proper standards (which have, what with all those of the gentler sex around Forumshire these days) become a bit lax of late. For which the Banks clan is somewhat responsible what with Miabella setting the example of a conctenious hard working Sherriff and now this Sargeant thing- what sort of message do you think thats sending out! That it's ok for the fairer sex to have to work, neglecting home and hearth?!

Petty, for shame. I've just joined the Forthright Rugged Outspoken Female's Fraternity (F.R.O.F.F) and we plan to ban stories like THE TWO SISTERS. Demeaning to females - demeaning! And now I've finished finished the sergeant's course, I mean to take it up with Uncle Odo. I'm not sure I agree with all his views anymore.

How did this happen! How did my once beloved, once dutiful Mirabella who knew her place and was content become this! Attacking me and for what? For defending the fairer sex and trying to keep them safe and nurtered in the warm bosom of the family home. You will make Odo weep for shame Mirabella with this silly talk, and I'm sure it must be making your head hurt trying to think like a male hobbit.

edit- although I do rather like your Sargeants uniform, its very, authoritive, yes.

I'm a new hobbit, Petty, bold and brash, dressed in my uniform of choice, and ready to wrestle down anyone who stands in my way. I warn you - if you don't want to be roughly wrestled down - to pay me (and my sisters) proper respect henceforth.

"Beware ye the maiden who thinks she's a man,
She'll wrestle you down - because she can! -
She'll dress as she pleases
And if she teases
She does it to frustrate, one must understand.

Beware ye the maiden who once was jilted -
No longer will any of her quilts get quilted -
She's turned her fearsome gaze on,
Every Tom, Dick and Jason,
And she'll stop at nothing 'til all men are wilted.

Beware ye the maiden whose heart got broken,
The name of Scot-lovers must never be spoken,
For she will turn horrid -
Her face gone all florrid -
Until she reaps revenge - it will not be token.

Beware ye the maiden who once loved a tyrant -
Which all males are, it can't be denyant! -
For she'll never be rested,
Until all males are bested,
Then her nights no longer will be all pining and syhant!

Beware ye the maiden whose now a Sergeant,
Into men's houses she'll soon be chargent,
Bearing her baton, handcuffs,
I heard she's quite rough,
Especially as now her heart is quite hardened."


From "The FROFF Marching Songs."
By Lesbo Proudfoot.
Published Eventually.


Wisey Banks

*reads.....smiles........decides to ignore such blatent provocation as it's clearly a fairy tale with no basis in fact*

*reads.....smiles........decides to ignore such blatent provocation as it's clearly a fairy tale with no basis in fact*

Fairy tales are just that fairy tales, Kafria. If they provoke a change of heart through their mythological pervasiveness, then they've helped someone. Yes, and if someone - anyone, non-specific-like - was to discover a particular point of reference, then that can only be better, surely; that's if one's personal propriety, good sense and respectability were at stake and possibly - just possibily - not what they ought to be, though no one should be a judge but Illuvatar Himself. Oh and if one, deep down, would like to live their life wholesomely.

(NB Not everything is about you, Kafria btw? Do all ladies think they're the centre of the universe or something? That everything's about them? That would make you a narcissist - the polar opposite of Me - and is a word I don't bandy about too often! )

Here to help!

"I warn you - if you don't want to be roughly wrestled down - to pay me (and my sisters) proper respect henceforth."- Mirabella

Umm excuse me for a moment I'm just nipping out to be disrespectful and break the law. In that uniform this will be worth it!

THE TALE OF THE GIRL WHO WOULD NOT GO TO HER ROOM

Once upon a time there was a young child (this could have been a girl or a boy but for the sake of good story telling we'll say it's a "girl" this time around, and if it was a boy it would be a very feminine boy anyway, not that there is anything wrong with that).

The young child (a girl in this instance) was named Blotch. I know, this sounds a silly name (and is even sillier without the 't' - as some spell it - and that would make another story in itself, and probably will). But silly names are all around us, like Flopsy, or Geebee, or Petty or Kathria, or Brer Rabbit (I mean, "Brer Rabbit"! Why not "Roast Rabbit"?), so we must just accept it and wince. And what of "Ringdrotten"? Can they get sillier. (Yes, they can!) Now Ally's a nicer name. For Ally's are always lovely girls, polite and attractive, intelligent (for girls) and always good (wholesome) fun to be with, and always sadly missed when they're away without notice. But Blotch was not the kind of girl an Ally was, for Blotch was a disobedient girl. (It's alright, Mother's and Father's, this is not a Tawdry Tale - you must read NotP for that kind of thing, not that I reccommend it, if you don't want to be struck dead by Illuvatar, Bless HIM!)

One afternoon, when Blotch got home from school (Morgoth Junior Co-ED Public School) her mother was in the drawing room drinking a nice glass of red (which is quite alright, though not at three fourty pm and not drunk by the bottlefull).

"Hey! Is that you, Blotch? Will you please shut that f^#$^!@ door! That wind must be from the f^#*$!@i Arctic!"

"Oh Mother, shut it you're .... (and Blotch said a word too bad even to disguise with ampersands and dollar signs! )... self, you old (............)(........)(!!!!!!!!!!!!!) bag!"

As you can see, Blotch knew nothing of proper drawing room talk, no, not in the least.

"Don't f^#$^!@ talk to your Mother like that!"

"Well, Mother, you can (!!!!!!)(............. ..... ...... !!!!! ...... !!!) yourself!"

"How dare you say that ---- and as if it was anatomically possible, and me a former netballer!" her Mother replied, almost shocked, the blow to her dignity (or what was left of it) somewhat protected by the bottles of good Old Wynyard she had consumed after lunch (which was a Dieter's Biscuit soaked in a (large) bowl of buckie). "You go to your room right this instance, Little Missy!"

"Well, you can... ... ...." (You can work out the rest).

"Well, I never!" said Mother, tearing-up as she often did when Blotch spoke to her thus. "You wouldn't say this if you weren't surrounded by women with nary a man to be seen in the whole neighbourhood."

"Well, Mother, there aint none of them around, now is there; and no wonder, you being such an emancipated person."

Now this really hurt, no matter how pickled she was just then; for Mother was a former member of FROFF (and we know what that means!) but had stopped going to meetings - where she might have imbibed fake courage and strength - because of her wobbly legs, this due to her alcohol problem (which itself had a lot to do with her only having women around and no positive role models).

Mother, legless or not just then, propelled by hurt (and given a fleeting surge of righteousness, by Illuvatar one assumes) lurched to her feet and grabbed an ashtray.

"Throw it hag," said the defiant little Miss as he stood in the doorway giving her mother a rude sign with one of her grubby fingers, with which she had recently been picking her nose - and in public! "You couldn't hit the side of a barn - you being such a girly-throw and all!"

No one really knows how Mother managed it (some suspect Illuvatar's hand, of course), but she let fly with the ashtray, sending cgarette butts everywhere, to be lost among the other numerous butts strewn on the floor. Amazingly, the ashtray hit Blotch fair in the left temple, knocking her unconcious.

The neighbours then called the Sheriff's Office and Mother and Daughter were taken away by two firm and caring Hobbits from Family Welfare, both Lady Sheriffs with appropriate morals (that's why they were allowed to work in Women's Domestic Issues Squad).

Blotch was placed in a Home for her own good. The Illuvataran Priest Custodian, Grimwald Harshhead, saw to her Improvement, with a strict regime that soon set her straight. Before too long, on advice, she changed her name to "Ally" - a nicer name all round, and was allowed to return to her Mother ---- and new Father! (see below).

Mother spent three months in a Dryout Prison. The Warden, Severus Sternbeck, helped her get over her drinking problem. Indeed, once sober, Mother became the nice girl she had been brought up to be, for she was under the stern but forgiving male eye of Severus. Severus seeing that Mother (dried out) was a buxom and attractive lady (for her age) fell in love with her and made her (shortly) after a Full Woman again, via the magic of Holy Matrimony.

And they all lived happily ever after.

THE NEW BUGLE BOOK of
WHOLESOME TALES
Sponsored by Odo R. Banks, esquire.

Petty, that is a foolish thing to say. An admission before the act! Break the Law and I'll come down on you very very hard. You have been warned. I am not to be trifled with anymore.

I think thats the bravest thing the Bugle has ever published! (And by brave I mean suicidally insane) Illuvatar help them when Kafria reads it! But should be fun! I'd better dig out the popcorn again I may be needing it soon.

Mirabella you can hide all you wish behind this facade of womanly strength and independance, and in tight fitting leather clothes- is it hot in here all of a sudden?- but I know, deep in your feminine heart you cannot resist the skirl of the catpipes (like bagpipes but with a cat, you inflate, it makes a noise like, well like bagpies really which already sounds like a cat beig tortured, but cats are cheaper) and you cannot resist the patter of the Scots brogue nor the contents of the kilt. Admit it! Now come here hen and have a buckie with me like old times and you can tell me all the good advice your Uncle Odo has been giving you, just like you used to.

What ever do you mean, Mr Tyrant? Has Kafria fooled you into thinking everything's about her? (((((Be careful, I say. I suspect the low-cunning of Eve!)))))

I have to work with women Odo as a general survival instinct I assume everything is about them, always! Failing that- duck and roll!

I will pop into Uncle Odo's on the way. He's got a knife he uses to dock his lambs! I'm bringing my friend Lesbo Proudfoot. She plans to run a story on female Sergeant's emasculating males. Lawfully, of course. I trust you have read the latest about the new Emasculating Laws.* Got past the Mayor - he thought "Emasculating" meant giving males MORE power. Men!


* Forumshire Legislation: Law 18: "Demeaning Women. Penalty Section: Emasculation, first offence. Appeal Rights: None. Will be too late to reverse penalty after Summary Justice enacted."

ADMIN!!!!!!!!!!!

(((((

"Well, hello, Mirabella. I wasn't expecting you here today... ... ... Hey! That's not nice, pushing past me like that!... And who's this...? Lesbo!!!! Lesbo Prodfoot! Well, I never... Yoouuu! After the takeover of my beloved Bugle! How dare you show your face here -- in my own hole! ... What do you plan to do with that knife, Mira... No, no... it's yours... it's yours! Yes, yours, please take it! ... Oh my God! .. Where are they going with faces set like harpys!???... I wonder what she meant by dealing with me later?"


)))))

SPECIAL EDITION

The Times are a'changin'!

We at the Bugle are pleased to announce our support for the Forumshire Females Federation (FFF).

As residents of Forumshire will no doubt be aware, since time out of mind, females have been shown absolutely NO RESPECT here, and we New Buglers agree that something must be done. Sadly, since Mayor Eldo suddenly repealed the new Emaculation Laws (possibly without his knowledge), we are forced to take a different strategy. My good friend, Sergeant Banks, and I have drafted a Bill of Female Demands.

Please read carefully!

BILL OF FEMALE DEMANDS

(1) The Vote
(2) Equal pay for Equal Work
(3) Promotion based on Merit
(4) Shared Responsibility in Child Rearing
(5) Same Sex Marriage
(6) The Downfall of Patriarchy
(7) Female Illuvataran Priests

A Meeting of the FFF shall be held post haste at Scotshobbiton Hall. Venue chosen as Scotshobbiton seems to be a hotbed of Patriarchy!

Lesbo Proudfoot
The Bugle
Editor-in-Chief

You all REALLY need to get with the times. This whole ordeal happened in Valinor almost 100 years ago. Now, we have a female president/Queen (myself )
And I'm glad that only my summer residence is here, otherwise, I might have to whip out some magic and change things up a bit!!

Wholesome tales, indeed Priceless