WHOLESOME TALES [2]

Continued from: http://www.hobbitmovieforum.com/t119p990-wholesome-tales
-----

Chapter Twelve
...from the Book of Geneticist

"In the Beginning," (Frodo began), "long long ago, in a time before anyone gathered here on the Polkafloor of the Prancing Prancer was born (apparently), there was nothing..."

"Nothing!" Halfy gasped.

"Not a thing, my little Halfy-fairy."

"Not even an atom?"

"Not even one."

"Oh... I didn't know that..."

"You do now... Eru looked upon the Great Nothingness and said...."

"So it was a Great Vacuum, was it, or a Great Void?" Halfy mused aloud.

"Yes, a Great Void," Frodo answered, slightly abruptly.

"HalfY! Will you just let him tell the story," Orwell grumbled as, in spite of certain reservations he had with where the tale might take them, he was getting interested.

"If it was a Great Vacuum, was the Universe then like a Great Vacuum Cleaner?"Amarie mused aloud. "I mean, the Vacuum Cleaner might have given the Great Vacuum form and structure?" Amarie was a Mother with two young children and vacuum cleaners tended to take up much of her focus, especially on Fridays, as she liked the house to be vacuumed in time for the weekend, her husband being quite fastidious, though by no means a chauvinistic pig.

"No," Frodo said carefully, "the Universe didn't actually exist at the beginning..."

"Where did Eru live then?" Norc asked with all the naivity of youth.

"Yes," Rodney butted in. "What did he sit down on?"

"He didn't sit down on anything!" Frodo said, trying to stifle his annoyance.

"Aye!" Petty offered helpfully, "Eru doen harv no buttocks..."

"Yes he does!" David barked. "Everyone has buttocks!"

"Spirits don't," Lance said wisely, even though mentioning Spirits in Forumshire could get you killed. "Spirits have no substance. And Eru is the Greatest Spirit and so has more Nothingness than any other living thing, though He's not a Thing as such... Nor," he added archly, "does he contain atoms."

Halfy saw the putdown for what it was, and just then he thought of killing Lance, but decided to cut him down instead by using pure logic. "Atoms are the building blocks of everything!"

"So," Lance commented snidely, "Are you saying Eru built the Universe out of blocks - like some little hobbit lad by his bed on the floor?"

"You know I didn't mean 'blocks'" Halfy angrily replied. "I meant atoms..."

"You did say 'blocks', though..."

"Please! Pleeeeease!" Frodo interceded. "Do you want me to tell this tale?"

"I do! I do!" Orwell cried out excitedly, as all the interuptions were only making him more interested in Frodo's tale, not that there had been much of it yet.

"Yes, go on," Amarie pressed, though a little suspiciously, because she suspected Frodo's tale might involve a certain Heretical element (or aspect); the business of the Great Vacuum Cleaner having put her in a state of Motherly unease.

"Well, Eru said, 'Let there be light!'"

"Oh!" Halfy said nodding his head sagely. "I'd forgot about Wave Theory..."

"What have waves got to do with it?" Aleek wanted to know, as she lived on the Whelsh coast and had been staring mournfully out to sea most of her young life, though the whales in Summer always made her less mournful and made her poetry a little lighter.

"Not those kind of waves," Halfy scoffed (which was rather rude of him, I think).

"What other kind are there, you Fuckhead?" Neek asked angrily, annoyed that Halfy had scoffed at her friend, Aleek. (Those two being thick as thieves! )

"Do you fairies mind!" Frodo said tersely. "Can I get on with this tale?"

"Yes, please, please, please," Orwell cried. He was getting very excited now, I can tell you.

"Well..." Frodo took a long steadying breath. "Eru said," 'Let there be light,' and there was!"

"Was what?" Eldo asked.

"Light!" Elthir grinned. "Isn't that right, Mr Baggins!"

Frodo smiled at Elthir. You could tell Frodo liked him immediately. Eldo grimaced but said no more. (The rest of the Questers gave a polite round of applause).

"The second thing Eru said..." Frodo went on. ("Oh this is bound to be ever so good," Orwell whispered excitedly to Julia. Julia, just as enraptured, took his hand and gave it a rather excited squeeze). "Eru said: 'Let there be lots of material things, including atoms, water, rocks, and all sorts of other things useful to Malehood..."

"What about Femalehood?" Azriel protested.

You see, Azriel had been a citizen of Forumshire for a reasonably short time, and she didn't know that Males and Females were equal there, but one of them was just a little bit more equal than the other one was. It was an easy thing to miss - especially if you were a member of the one that was less equal than the other one was (apparently).

"Shush!" Orwell told Azriel. "If you can't ask a sensible question, it's best you be seen and not heard."

"You better be careful," Julia hissed in his ear. "Anon Author is on the edge... in fact, probably well over it..."

"Yes, Miss!"

"Then Eru said, 'I shall make a creature out of clay in my image'..."

"I didn't know he had an 'image'," Halfy said with eyes half closed in reflection.

"Everyone has an image," Neek said. "And you must be very careful about how you maintain it."

"You make 'maintaining an image' sound positively misleading!" Lance broke in, not knowing that saying things like that to Neek could get you killed. "Shouldn't one be oneself without pretense, illusion or deceit?" (He, of course, was only making it worse had he but known it!)

"Perhaps," Neek said carefully, "we might allow Mr Baggins to get on with the tale, shall we?"

Lance saw something in Neek's eyes just then, and he was rightly a'feard. He fell silent. (The other Questers gave a polite round of applause).

"And then Eru had fashioned a little Friend so that He would no longer be alone in the Universe."

"Is Eru a Boy or a Girl?" Aleek asked.

"He is neither," Frodo said.

"Oh..."

"Was this Friend a Boy or a Girl?" Neek wanted to know.

"A Boy, of course," Rodney said impatiently. "Bloody Hell, everyone knows that."

"And does Eru end up having you-know-what with him?"

This question caused a few unplifted eyebrows. The eyes under the eyebrows now fixed themselves upon Frodo.

"Of course He didn't!" Frodo positively shouted. "What is it with you people?"

"Okaaaaaaaaaaaay..." Neek drawled suspciously. "Go on..."

"Now Eru loved his Creation and he called him, 'Adam'.."

"Oh how lovely. I've always thought 'Adam' was a lovely strong boy's name," Amarie approved.

"I agree," Azriel said.

"I know a few Adams," Julia put in. "They're all nice boys -- mind, Adam Berky-Smith was a rather naughty come to think... but let's not speak of that... I mean, we must have been barely sixteen...." and Julia giggled.

"Tell us later," Azriel and Amarie hand-signalled her, both looking flushed. Julia went pink. Orwell frowned.

"Now Eru made a lovely garden," Frodo ploughed on, "and he would walk around it come evening..."

"Did Eru have legs?" Halfy wanted to know.

"Yes, he had legs," Frodo positively growled. "He had legs sometimes --- for when he wanted to go walking."

"Oh.. that makes sense..." Halfy said, a little embarrassed that he had not thought of that possibility.

"One evening, Eru chanced upon Adam weeping under a delicious fruit tree. 'Why are you weeping, Adam, apple-of-my-eye?' 'Oh I don't want to complain, O Lord, but I am ever so lonely.' 'But you have me as company.' "Yes O'Lord, but you only come here of an evening, and the days are long, even if the fruit here is yummy.' 'But you have the gazelles and the lions and the porcupines to talk to.' "Yes, and they are all great conversationalists I grant you, but I feel I'd like to have one of my own kind to talk to.' 'Well we can fix that. I'll make one more just like you. That's easily fixed.' 'Oh no, I don't want one just like me, I want one with subtle differences --- well, with quite different differences, actuallly.' 'What do you mean?' 'Well, you made the gazelles both Male and Female, and the lions both Male and Female, and the porcupines both Male an Female...' 'I think I get the drift, 'I do,' Eru answered (somewhat tersely), "So it's not exactly just 'talk' you're thinking of.' 'No, I admit, it's not.' 'Well, I haven't made a Female companion for you - for reasons only known to myself - and so you must make do I'm afraid. Why not seek out one of my other creatures about it?' "Oh Eru I didn't mean to make you cross, but well, it didn't end well with Hetty the Porcupine.. Oh pleeeeease can I have a Female companion?' 'Oh alright. Lie down here on the sward and I'll...' 'Pardon!' 'Don't fret. I just need one of your ribs to make a Female with.' 'Oh that makes perfect sense.'..."

'Why did Eru need Adam's rib to make a Female companion?" Azriel asked, it being her turn to be suspicious now.

"Do you want to hear this story out or not?" Frodo almost yelled, he being quite frustrated by now. (Frodo was not as used to Forumshirans as we are, of course, dear reader).

"I do," Tin said. "I'm a good Catholic girl, and frankly I'm happy with how things are going. I am a Born-from-the-rib' girl!"

"Well, I'm not," Azriel complained. "Why couldn't Eru have made both Male and Female at the same time? I mean, I seem to remember there are two versions of the Creation of Humanity in the Book of Geneticist, isn't there?"

"I'm telling the rib-version," Frodo growled. (He had always been a sexist mind).

"Well, we girls want the other version," Julia hissed. "The one where Eru made both Male and Female at the same time."

"That's not the version I like," Lance put in brusquely (not knowing saying things like that could get you killed in Forumshire).

"So do I," Orwell said, trying to be helpful.

"Ock tha noo!" Petty burst out suddenly. "Did they ware clooze buk then?"

"Pardon?" all the Questers asked.

"Whun Eroo mad thut lad and lady, did 'e give 'em clooze too ware?"

"I bet you it wasn't a kilt," Julia said. (She could be quite a bitch when she wanted to be).

"Oct!" Petty ocked, giving Julia a rather nasty glare.

"I'm off," Frodo said quietly, his tone laden with manifest pissedoffideness as he stumped out of the Prancing Prancer.

"Touchy!" Elthir commented. Even Eldo had to agree.





































"

-that was involuntary!

Brilliant stuff

quite a lot of stuff can get you killed in Forumshire. apparently.

Like "South Park", how many times did they "kill Kenny" ?

Ol' Anon hasn't killed Lance yet --- but give him time, Azriel, give him time....

Time sorts out lots of things out actually... and makes you get older too.. which was something I should have watched out for more, especially when I was younger....

yeah, when youre young,you never think you'll get older, & when youre older you cant believe youre not young,
(shiiiiiiiit !)

Too true...

I have a sneaking suspicion its going to end in tears. for Frodo.

Chapter Thirteen
A Dagger in the Dark

The night had drawn it's nightly nightness over Bree Hill and Frodo found the lanes dark and full of shadows; some of the shadows darker than some of the other ones; and some almost charcoal, or so opaquely silver that only an expert might have known the difference, unless you had a candle with you.

There was no need to be worried, but a sense of dread soon lay upon Frodo as his hurrying furry feet sped him toward the bustop.

"I really should never have bothered coming. The elves did warn me about Forumshirans. Even Uncle Bilbo always told me to keep clear of them, but I clearly didn't listen. Mmmm... though who could really blame me, what with the opportunity to tell my favorite tale from the Book of Geneticist and all? --- Now where's the turn for the bustop, as I must not miss the Late Bus. I'm bound to miss the train to Valinor Crossing at this rate. Thank goodness they have trains now. Back in '32 it was a bugger getting back to Valinor by morning... Oh! What was that?"

Frodo turned his head sharply left and right. Was that the sound of flapping feet? Could it be Gollum'/Smeagol sneaking after him in the dark? He had such a grudge against Frodo too! But, no! Gollum/Smeagol could not have escaped the burning furnace of Mount Doom. Preposterous! Frodo laughed in the shadows.

But the hobbit was still uneasy, for thinking about Gollum/Smeagol took him back it did. Back to days of high adventure and peril, genuine adventure, days filled with pathos, bathos and character development. Back to those halcyon pre-PJ days that no one seemed to care about anymore. When Black Riders were Black Riders, not obvious clichéd bad guys in black capes. Just thinking about those truly sinister Black Riders sent a chill up Frodo's spine. Not a clichéd chill, a totally refreshingly horrifically scared chill; no, not some modern substitute clichéd chill - no way!

Frodo heard a tinkling bell.

"That will be the bus," says he. "I better hurry."

And Frodo began to run.

He had just reached the bustop when he saw something gleaming in the bus cubicle by the South Gate of Bree. Frodo could barely see it in the dark. But when he looked closer he could see the faint outlines of a dagger.

Then the bus came. A six horse roadster.

Frodo sighed, and soon he was on his way to Valinor Junction. He was the only passenger and the driver was one of those rare respectabe Scotshobbits you sometimes hear about. You know the kind, the ones who are respectable, so rare that they stand out. A cheery chap. Not at all crabbit. Nor the murderous average Scotshobbit type that always set your nerves on edge. This one was very pleasant. Not the kind to stab you in the back and steal all your money. But still Frodo was uneasy for even as he chatted to that very rare respectable Scotshobbit, wiling away the hours, part of his mind was thinking on that dagger left so carelessly behind on the bustop seat.

"Oh well," Frodo thought after quite a worrying time. "I guess it's owner will notice he has left it there and will come back and get it. And, of course, if the Town Watch finds it, it will end up in the Bree-land Lost Property Store, and no doubt it will find it's way from there back to it's rightfull owner eventually."

Frodo relaxed after that and just enjoyed the ride.

Meanwhile, back at the Prancing Prancer....

spooooooooooooky !

''Back to days of high adventure and peril, genuine adventure, days filled with pathos, bathos and character development. Back to those halcyon pre-PJ days that no one seemed to care about anymore''

((((poor PJ only I understand you!!!! I do I do I do!))))))

haunted bus-stops, whatever next?

A very good question, Mrs Figg.... a very very good question....

Chapter Fourteen
The Man-fairy, the Dagger and the Man-O-War Jellyfish

With Frodo gone everyone decided, as they were tired after an extremely enervating day, that they might as well all go to bed, and in a proper respectable manner. But, when Oatychap Creamprickle had tucked them in all with clear instructions to behave themselves and not talk to each other after the lights were out, young Eldo could not sleep.

He tossed and turned and turned and tossed, restless you know, and so he thought he might go for a stroll to work off the last bit of energy he had; that bit which was keeping him awake; which just goes to show you that young Man-fairies should not have too much molasses in their coffee before bed, nor lie in bed worriting over how coffee can get to Forumshire from an as yet undiscovered part of the world; nor how potatoes had got there neither.

Eldo crept out of his billets and melted into the night (not literally). He did not know it, but he took the same route that Frodo Baggins had taken a little earlier. At last, he came to the selfsame Bustop, and the selfsame dagger still lay upon the seat.

Then a bad thought entered Eldo's head, for it was an enchanted dagger. (I bet no one saw that coming!) And as Eldo was impressionable and always did exactly what he wanted to do (when his Lawyer Father and Horsebreaking Mother weren't watching), the enchanted dagger having worked it's evil upon the young Man-fairy's impressionable mind instantly.

"I'm going to stab Lance several times and maybe saw off his head!" Eldo hissed in the dark. "I saw a Slash Movie once {{{on Palantir}}} and know exactly how to do it!"

{{{If you're under eighteen, I suggest you go to bed now}}}

Then he felt a horrifying manifestation come flapping down upon him...

...But it was just a newspaper that had wafted down onto his head, put in sinuous motion by a puff of night breeze.

"I thought it was a Man-O-War Jellyfish," Eldo told himself, relieved it wasn't a Man-o-War jellyfish, and feeling quite foolish that he had thought it might be.

(This is what can happen if you're young and have too big an imagination!)

"I will have to change my underpants now," Eldo added to himself. "The only queston is do I do it now, or do I do it after I've disembowelled that Lance who more than once has said things that can get you killed in Forumshire. Yes, and I don't plan to take any responsibility for my actions." (Which his Uncle Ponsillio Petrosvski will tell you is quite typical of Eldo). (And he didn't mean bowell actions btw. As I said, that was purely caused by the fright the newspaper gave him).

Carefully and slowly, Eldo tiptoed back up the hill, though a couple of lumps managed to work their way out his trouser leg, quite moistly.

Oatychap Creamprickle caught him sneaking back into the Prancing Prancer.

"Phew!" cried old Oatychap in his jolly voice. "It's off to the bath with you young Man-fairy. Nob? Nob! Where is that lazy hobbit? Of there you are. Quickly now, young Eldo has had an unexpected adventure..."

Chapter Fifteen
The Adventure Continues (and goblins are mentioned)

Everyone woke up the next morning bright eyed and bushy tailed, but they weren't happy about their bushy tails (though Rodney didn't mind as much as the rest of them; Ringo politely said it suited him).

"I hope we're not turning into bunny rabbits," Tin said.

"Unfortunately, that's exactly what we're turning into," Amarie said sadly. "What next?"

So, even though they remained bright eyed, a pall of uncertainty had befallen them all.

"Nothing for it," Julia said after breakfast. "Chip chop! Off we go."

So the Questers bravely marched down the road toward the West Gate.

Elthir and Eldo were at the front as usual. Elthir noticed something about Eldo as they enjoyed the sun on their faces.

"You smell nice, Eldo. You smell of rose scented oil soap..."

"That's none of your business, Elthir," Eldo snarled, which everyone thought was quite unexpected of him.

"Remind me not to give that young Man-fairy a compliment," Lance commented behind his hand to David.

"Darn tootin'!" David agreed.

The rest of the day was spent in silence, as all the Questers were determind to make as much progress as they could. The sun rode higher in the sky, then started going down again, and then it was sunset. They came at that time of lengthening shadows to a copse of trees.

"I think we'll bivouack here," Julia said as she came to a halt on the road fondling her bushy tail.

Orwell was playing with his rabbit ears. "Do you really think we're turning into rabbits?"

"I'm afraid we are," Halfy said. "We must have been enchanterated by that mysterious dagger."

"How do you figure that?" asked Lance with a certain snidely tone that can get you killed in Forumshire.

"Well we've all got bunny tails and bunny ears. I mean. it stands to reason."

"It could have been a witch," Rodney offered, as he had read all the Harry Potter books.

"Is it just me, or is this tale getting silier by the word?" Azriel asked.

"No, it's the same old same old," Orwell said. "Who will help me pitch my tent?"

"You haven't got a tent," Neek snapped. "You fuckhead!"

"Oh that's right, my bad. But I do have this pictorial magazine with the nymphs in it though. Does anyone have a torch?"

Julia stepped forward and grabbed Orwell's magazine. Flicking through it she said, "My God, you are sick, Orwell. Sick!"

"Who said I wasn't?" Orwell complained. "You know it's killing me."

"What is?" Azriel asked.

"The lack of inuendos, that's what!" and Orwell ran off into the trees. Some of the Questers thought he was weeping, but I'm sure he wasn't.

"I better go after him," Julia said. "He's as likely as not to get captured by Man-fairy eating trolls."

"Now you've said it, I guess he will," Amarie commented droly. "I think we best all go after him."

Sure enough, they found Orwell in a clearing soon after. Some rather large trolls had put him in a pot and were just adding some cabbages and jelly rolls to the luke warm but steadily heating concoction.

A mighty battle ensued during which the Questers seriously maimed the trolls, who fled into the trees. It had been a terrific exciting battle I can tell you, and Aleek broke a finger nail, and Tin got her hair pulled, but luckilly no one was seriously injured (except the trolls).

After that, they bedded down for the night. Orwell told Julia he had a headache.


*****

Next morning, at the break of day, the Questers headed off again. Ahead they could see the Misty Moisty Mountains.

"How on earth will we get over or through or under those mountains?" Rodney asked in awe.

"I think we can go by the underground route," said Eldo, who was quite partial to subterranean adventures (don't ask me why).

"Perhaps we could do it the montaineer way," Elthir suggested, as he liked variety in his adventures.

"No, I think we should go by well laid pathways free of goblins," Chris said.

"Don't be stupid, Chris!" Julia copmplained. "Haven't we all agreed that an adventure's no adventure unless we have to face peril"?"

"We didn't actually say that..." Orwell offered.

"Well it's implied, you idiot."

"Yes, Miss!"

So they set off again, avoiding the Rivendell road, as none of them could stomach the idea of having a Short Boring Rest.

"What if we get captured by goblins?" Neek asked nervously.

"That would indeed be a bad thing to happen to a girl from Whales," Aleek said sombrely.

"Or from Fjordianlandia too!" Neek said with eyes wide.

"Too true!" Aleek said. "Let's make a pact, Neek. I'll watch your back and you watch mine."

And they spat on their hands and shook on it. This disgusted Orwell, who not only found their little ritual to be quite pathetic, but also rather unhygenic.

"Oh here we are!" Azriel called, as she had marched ahead of them. "There's a sloping path here!"

"Oh it must be the beginning of the Misty Moisty Mountains," Julia said hurrying up.

"Ock! I bee afeared o'those moontins," Petty said. "I heer thar be gooblins upin there!"

"Enough with goblins already," Julia complained. "You know, it's not going to be very exciting when they capture us."

"Do you think the goblins will capture us?" Halfy squeaked in fright.

"Shut it!" Julia yelled. "Just shut it!"

After that they began the climb into the goblin infested Misty Moisty Mountains.

"Shut it! I said! Shut it!"

Yes, Miss....




,

Darn tootin!

you know Orwell? callin me bossy could get you killed in Forumshire.

Chapter Sixteen
Dewyboat Upland

Well, I can tell you, the adventures they had in the Misty Moisty Mountains would make your eyes bleed, they were that exciting --- but by the time they escaped the Desolation of Abomination (a creature with three eyes and a very bad temperament) and had come out on the other side of those horrendous mountains, and then down through the Eastern Hills, and then into the grassy lowlands of Anduin Vale, the Questers had all turned into rabbits. Cute rabbits, yes, but rabbits nonetheless.

They knew each other by then by their rabbit names, like Blackberry, Floppytop and Scotsrodent, but there's no way I'll remember who's who, so I'll keep their old names to make it easier. Not that I'm a lazy writer by any means. I will, however, give you their names in brackets in the next paragraph (just in case you're interested).

The smartest of the rabbits was Eldo (Flopsy) and Elthir (Mopsy), and the wisest, Amarie (Girliebubble), and the most short tempered was Julia (Mrs Figg), and the cleverest, David (Marmaduke), and the most crabbit, Petty (Scotsrodent), and the prettiest, Aleek (Flaxencurls), the fluffiest, Neek (Fuckyuyapiggiewig), the most likely to be killed by a stoat, Lance (Motorhead), the fastest, Tin (Fleetfoot), the hairiest Halfy (Hairy Mary), the most distracted Orwell (Scarritogallies), the most devoted to video games on his Palantir (which he kept under a finely attuned ear), Chris (Westernhobbitformlyfromoersomewherelse), the most blue eyed and bouncy, Ringo (or Bumpywumpy), the most interested in butterflies, Rodney (or Cottontail), the most brazen for a new Forumshiran, Azriel (or Grasschompy)... I think that's all of them. (I would mention Kafria but she got eaten by the Desolation of Abomination. A very sad end, methinks, but quite justifiable).

"Oh Julia, how far is it to Dewyboat Upland?" Orwell asked of the Head Doe, "We have been jumping along for ever such a long time."

"How many times have I had to tell you?" Julia said angrilly.

"This is the first time!"

"The first time it's been written down, yes, but back in the cave of the Desolation of Abomination you must have asked at least a hundred times." Which was an exageration, of course, though the point was still well made.

"Look across the river," Lance cried out. "Look at the far leafy bank. There are shady concealing blackberry bushes. Perhaps we could go and make our warren there and start the business of building up the population." He gave Azriel a surrreptious look.

Julia - who was giving Orwell a surreptitious look just then - said, "Excellent idea. But how do we get over such a wide deep river?"

"I dare say it's impossible," Orwell said hopefully.

"What if we get this funny looking thing which appears to be a bit of old tree that Men have cut and planed and stuck together" Halfy said. "It looks like it might float like a feather does."

"Yes, when I was a fairy I remember things like this was called a rowboat," David said.

"I also seem to remember that you could turn yourself into a carrot," Lance said. "And a very large and tasty carrot by all accounts! Hmmm?" You see, Lance was tired of eating dockweed and stringy plainsgrass.

"You leave him alone," Julia jumped (literally) to David's defence. "Rabbits don't eat other rabbits, you know."

"But if he was a carrot..."

"Shut it!" Julia cried.

"How will we row across if we don't have arms"?" Amarie asked. It was a very good question too.

"I know how we can do it!" David said gleefully.

After they had did it, they all patted David on his fluffy back with their gentle paws in utmost congratulation.

"Now -- how about colony building..." Julia said suggestively, looking at Orwell.

"I'm not colony building with anyone," Aleek almost shouted as Rodney and Ringo loped up to her.

"Nor me," Neek said defiantly, as Eldo and a passing Mole nosed their way toward her. "Especially not with a Mole."

"I'm a Talking Mole," said the Mole.

"How does that make any difference? The thought's disgusting!"

"It'd be just like an Ozhobbit mating with a Scotshobbit wouldn't it?" Rodney asked.

"Too true," Orwell blushed, "And we'll have none of that in this Tale."

"Ock, noo tha noo!" Petty agreed quickly. "That'd bee unnootril!"

"I have it!" Eldo suddenly proclaimed. "It was that long lasting red cabbage Oatychap gave us for our journey. Don't you all remember now?"{They didn't}. "It must have turned us all into rabbits. If we stop right now snacking on it, we'll turn back into fairies immediately."

So they tried not snacking on the red cabbage Oatychap had given them, and - Hey presto! - they were all fairies again.

"Ock the nelly noo!" Petty proclaimed. "That wie a close wun!"

short tempered? me?

Scotsrodent. ((((((how true )))))

Anon is talking about the fictional Petty Scotsrodent, not the real one....

wait.. what happened to the story? rabbits? (I need to read this more throughly.. not just skim through.)

if you skim, you turn into a rabbit.

..

Chapter Seventeen
Do Fish Ride Bicycles in Forumshire?

Julia - rather disappointed she wasn't a fecund rabbit anymore - lead the other Questers over the vast Anduin Vale floodplain in the direction of a vast charcoal smudge on the horizon (Elthir thought it more 'black' than 'charcoal').

"That's Mirkwood, isn't it?" Rodney said, as he had only read The Hobbit twice - apparently.

"The end of our journey is nigh," Eldo sighed.

"No, Dul Guldur is miles and miles away," Elthir said confidently. "And I'm sure there are plenty of adventures to be had!"

"Like this one," Lance yelled suddenly, so suddenly it made them all jump. (It was exactly the kind of startling outburst that could get you killed in Forumshire).

The others hurried over to a pond Lance had found. It was rather an odd pond, for it had a brick wall around it with a huge statue of King Aragorn in the middle carved from stone. He was holding onto his enormous sword, and the girls just about swooned to see him there with his great sword thrusting out in a rather dominating way.

"Why the fuck would they put a statue of Aragorn out here in the middle of nowhere?" Neek asked. And it was a fair enough question that none of them could answer, not me neither.

"It's a lovely pond," Amarie said as she kneeled and cupped up water in her hand.

"I bet the water tastes like chocolate - or wine..." Eldo complained, as he was already a bit bored with this Quest.

Elthir kneeled and cupped and said, "No, it's like the best water any mortal has ever drunk. I think it comes from Valinor."

"Crap!" Halfwise said. "That's impossible.... though it could be an underground stream from there.... No, it'd have to flow under the ocean from Valinor and then perculate up again to a height of about seven miles... No, it couldn't remain fresh if it did come from Valinor; I stand by my first opinion..."

"It's very nice water nonetheless," Tin smiled as she cupped up a mouthful. "I hope it's not enchanted."

"It's 'Visionary Water'," Azriel proclaimed, having sipped some herself by now. "Look! On the floor of this pristine pond I can see things one would not normally see, unless you were on drugs... and that's a long time ago, mind..."

"Ock the nelly noo!" Petty squealed. "Itted bee fishies upon thar bisickles!"

And surely enough, when they all looked they saw them, a whole lot of fish riding along their little fishy highways on bicycles. Mother fish. Father fish. Toddler fish with training wheels.

"It makes you want to burn your bra," Amarie exclaimed in annoyance, her being an an Old Fashioned Feminist at heart. "Not that I have any idea why I said that and have no intention of getting nude again, what with Orwell's prying eyes, and me a happily married woman in another manifestation of my life - the real one that is, not the fictional construct I now inhabit."

"I suggest we move on," Julia grumbled. "I suspect Ol' Anon is making some obscurantist joke at the expense of Women and their attitude to Men! You know, like he's responding to something a hairy-legged feminist would say... You know, something like, 'Women need Men like Fish need Bicycles', or some such Femininist Male putdown!"

"I dont know what you're worried about," Orwell said as he traipsed along behind Julia. "I'm quite confident Ol' Anon would never seek to take cheap shots at women. Not even women who act like men - dress in trousers, if you know what I mean! - and take all the good looking women off the market and out of reach of genuinely heterosexual men --- you know, like Ellen Degeneris and that lovely Portia lass.... Now if butch feminist lesbians only bedded other butch feminist lesbians they'd be doing everyone favour - and imagine the money they'd save on shavers..."

"I agree," Lance said, not knowing that agreeing with some of the things Orwell came out with could get you killed in Forumshire.

"See," Orwell grinned. "Even Lance agrees with me --- and he's from Bree!"

She turned a severe glimpse upon him. "Shut it, orright!"

"Yes, Miss!"

So the Questers moved on, trying to put fish on bicycles, nipples, and hairy legged butch lesbians out of their minds.

can someone make this into a word document, the whole shit, put it onto google documents for everyone to see, and then I can download/print it out? pwease