Respectability

I have friends in High places I'll have you know- I'm not just any drunken Scotshobbit, I am Petty Tyrant, Keeper of the Queens Buckie (where is the Queen anyway? Typical Royalty never about when you actually need them).
I'm sure this small donation of a barrel of rasberry buckie from her cellars towards the Guards Annual Ball will smooth the way.

Mmmm... "Foolin'around on Respectable Threads"---- six years, I see....

Someone kidnap Sam Tyler for me

I was going to do that for you Ally but you'll need to ask the Doctor as Sam appears to have mysteriously disappeared into the 1970's.

Odo: A terrible indictment, of course.

Jane: What is, Odo?

Odo: All this inane excitement going on -- and on the Most Respectable of threads!

Jane: It is a sign of the times.

Odo: What ever happened to the sensible kind of stuff that used to be posted in Forumshire? Tell me that, Jane!

Jane: What sensible stuff was that, Odo?

Odo: To think I risked my life to save Forumshire in the bad old days --- only to have this place become the habitat of libertines, prostitutes, bisexuals, homosexuals, lesbians, and Scotshobbits! Terrible terrible business.

Jane; And silly people.

Odo: Pardon?

Jane: Well, some of the folk here are just plain silly.

Odo: Oh yes! I forgot! I did leave the 'girls' off my list... The point is the place has gone to wrack and ruin. We have become a world of silliness by the wagonload... It's like a Banks can't walk the streets and lanes without running into a foreigner with pecuiar clothes and the smell of exotic secents --- and other queer odours... and liberteenish silliness!

Jane: Oh dear! Mr Banks! ... things to seem worse than even I thought!

Odo: Yes -- it's a buckie-riddled age of the worst kind.

Jane: But what's to do, Odo? I mean - how many times have you gone to battle on the side of goodness, niceness, pureness and Erubian rectidude?

Odo: I'm not sure... I've been writing things down, and I guess I could do a count....

Jane: However many times you've tried you've failed - so many times!

Odo: You're right! Perhaps I need to take more serious action, Jane.

Jane: Oh how determined you look!

Odo: Indeed! I think it's time we had a King in this place!

Jane: A King?

Odo: Yes, a strong, noble, handsome, regal hobbit; a hobbit of class, with plenty of money (or at least some money in these difficult financial times!) to hire a fine mercenary force; a hobbit who is intelligent, firm, violent but only where necessary, and always fair... A tough, hard hearted hobbit (for the Greater Good), with a clear vision, and respectability to burn!

Janwe: But where would you find such a merciless yet respectable hobbit?

Odo:

Odo, this is GB talking to your subconscious to deliver an important message: buy Ally some mango

Odo: Jane! Jane!

Jane: Wait a moment... I'm just finishing this under-armour-shirt -- can't have your wartgoblins getting nipple-chafe when they're marching....

Odo: Sorry... ...

Jane: There! Finished! That's twenty seven... How many were you planning to hire?

Odo: Wartgoblins? Oh about twenty thousand... Very cheap...

Jane: Oh dear! I guess it's for a good cause. I may need to get the Year Twelve Sewing Girls involved... Anyway - what were you about to say?

Odo: I just had the most peculiar urge to eat mangoes!

Jane: Mangoes? What in Middle Earth are mangoes?

Odo: A rather delicious semi-mythical fruit I grow and sell in the Farthest South East - beyond Rhúne... But why would I be thinking of them just now -- what with my War... err.. Public Bettterment Plans afooting....? I suspect Wirchcraft!

Jane: But who would want to put a semi-mythical fruit in your head?

Odo: Someone deeply evil, methinks! Someone that would NEVER kneel (willingly) before me in servitude, that's who!

Jane: And who would that be?

Odo: I can think of one or two girls....

Jane: Not your Year Twelve Girls. Rumour has it they often go down on their knees before you in your Advanced Respectability Class!

Odo: Oh it wouldn't be one of my girls. They do what they're told. Good girls all. I assume it will be one of the Non-Our Lady's slatternly Forumshiran girls.... A right little bitch, probably...

Jane: You mean - witch?

Odo: Maybe... Anyway - let's get on with it. Shall I pop down to Our Lady's and wake the Year Twelve Sewing Girls? ... I mean, get them sewing as soon as possible...

Jane: You can't go into their dorms now, Odo. You'll put the wind up them arriving in the dead of night.

Odo: Not necessarily...

Jane: What was that?

Odo: Never mind. --- Oh Jane, I'll make sure I let them know I'm coming. I always make sure of that.

Jane: Okay then, if you must ---

Odo:

Jane: ---but I better come with you.

Odo: ...

Slave labour is wrong. Give Ally mangos Odo
This is still Gb talking to your subconscious btw

Odo: Buy Ally mangoes. Buy Ally mangoes....

Jane: Stop saying that, Odo. You've been saying it since we left your Grand Hole... And whip the ponies up.. they're dawdling!

Odo: I can't get it out of my head. I'm being driven mad by mangoes....

Jane: Do you want to be King, or not?

Odo: Well, I guess so...

Jane: Then you must get mangoes out of your head. ... When did you set the Meeting for?

Odo: I didn't really. What say we contact the NotP? Use that horrid rag for our advantage. Everyone reads that junk...

Jane: Excellent. What shall we write -- and give those ponies a flick.

Odo: Giddyup! Gidddyup! Ha! A fine sharp trot! .. Now, let me see. "Dear Editor: I am writing to the disgusting puffbag of putrefying pestilence you call a newspaper..."

Jane: I should take a politer approach if I was you, Odo.

Odo: Oh yes. I see your point. "Dear Editor, I have always been a secret admirer of your Glorious Journal..." You know, Jane, I think I'm going to vomit.

Jane: Odo!

Odo: Mmm... "I write to inform the Good Folk of Forumshire... no, the Grand Respectable Folk of Forumshire to alert you that I plan to hold a Meeting at the Needlehole Town Hall in regard to discussing the possibilbilty of electing a King for Forumshire..." That sounds okay so far, doesn't it? Mmm.... You nod Jane, I assume in the affirmative. "I plan to hold the meeting on the 12th of August, or thereabouts. In no way am I suggesting we MUST elect a King. I only wish to have a Preliminary Meeting to discuss possibilities. There will be cake and duck and venison and buckie laid on..." That'll get most of them in. "And Bob Willin will be there to please the younger vacuous lasses" - like Ally and Norc... "It shall be a Meeting of Special Magnificence. I'm sure no one will get hurt if everone does what they're..." No, that won't do. "I'm sure everyone will have a fine time, and if at the end of said Meeting we have a King, well and good, but I certainly won't force anyone into kneeling before Me or any other hobbit." How's something like that, Jane?

Jane: With some work, I think it will do nicely... Now here's the gate to Our Lady's... Is that a light on in the Year Twelve dorm? I hope they're not still up. It's at least 1.00am, methinks. (Not that I have my hourglass with me).

Odo: Don't be too hard on them... Perhaps they are scared of the dark...?

Jane: Or are they letting some local pervert know that they're up while the staff are sleeping!

Odo: Oh surely not!

Jane: You are naive in many ways, Mr Banks. And I hope you remain so. It is very endearing! But you are too soft with those girls! What I'd like to do sometimes is give them all a severe spanking.

Odo: I know exactly what you mean, Jane. I surely do!

"Wait does anyone just buy mango and eat it?" "Yes" I said as my head spun around 180°
Odo this is God. Buying Ally mango is vital if you truly want to become King
Here is a list of grocers that sell mango: everyone

Odo: King... mango... King?... Mango?...

Primula: Oh Mr Banks, why are you saying that over and over?

Odo: Oh dear girl, I don't have a clue... Have you heard of mangoes, pray tell?

Daisy: [butting in] I've heard of peaches.

Nasturtian: [butting in too] And apples...

Petunia: ... Plums!

Odo: Yes, yes... but I'm thinking of mangoes, girls...

Primula: Can you rub them all over your body....?

Petunia: ... all juicy like...?

Nasturtian: ..... all dribbly....?

Sage: ... and nice to lick off the skin....?

Odo: Shush, girls! Where's your Mother Superior?

Pansy: Oh she went to bed ages ago. Her fingers are chafed to the bone from sewing, she said. And her eyes were nearly falling out...

Primula: Oh Mr Banks - must we keep sewing all night?

Sage: Yes I'd rather be doing some of the other things we sometimes do with you - in the dead of night - Mr Banks!

Odo: Yes - but it's this mango business... Over and over it goes ringing in my poor head.. Maybe I'm over tired and over wrought. Perhaps I need a distraction - or two....

Nasturtian: Shall I see if there is a mango in the pantries?

Sage: It's my turn, Nasturtian... I'll go looking...

Odo: Now, now, you mustn't fight... and I've gone off mangoes to be honest.

Primula: What about bananas? There's a nice bunch of them, Mr Banks.

Sage: That way none of us miss out!

Odo: Oh alright then. But make sure no one catches you raiding the pantries!

Rosie: You have always been a kind and thoughtful gentlehobbit, Mr Banks.

Sage: Though not always totally gentle...

Petunia: Not that we mind, Mr Banks...

Primula: No, not all, Mr Banks... I mean, we can be very naughty as you know.

Nasturtian: And need a good spanking.

Primula: And you such a good spanker.

Sage: Some of us think you are a truly Great spanker, Mr Banks.

ALL Girls: Yes... we ALL think you're a Great spanker, actually. The Greatest spanker in all of Forumshire!

Odo: Why thank you girls. Now, who's off to get those bananas?

I'm sure Odo is a great spanker when he's sitting alone in the dark thinking of all those girls...

Still waiting for that mango, Odo

Yes yes Odo, give Ally her mango, and get one for me too while your at it, as an apology for creating the ludicrous idea of a KING in forumshire!

I'm sorry ladies, that may be my fault....

Last night there was a suspicious character skulking around my mango tree, so I sicced the dogs on him.

Haven't heard from Odo since.....

Let me make it up to you. Here are two fine mangoes, complements of Farmer Dave's Vegetables.





{{by the way, if you see my dogs, would you please send them home? Thanks! }}

Thats a cracking ripe pair, ready for the squeezing Dave.

Well, your dogs might be working for Huan right now, trying to track Odo down I'll call them back for you

Odo: Oh Jane - I've had the most terrible time of it!

Jane: Come in, Odo.... I'm not sure it's best that you arrive at Our Lady's at this time of the night...

Odo: Never fear. No one saw me, Jane!

Jane: How can you be so sure...

Odo: Well, I snuck ever so quietly and got past the gargoyles at the gate, and then...

Jane: Those gargoyles are blind as bats at night - I do wonder sometimes why you reccommended them...

Odo: Anyway, I'm here and please hide me will you - please.

Jane: Why aren't you snugly asleep in that great big hole of yours? I mean: it's well past twelve by my hour glass.

Odo: It's the strangest thing, but I think I was sleep walking!

Jane: Go on...

Odo: Well, you see, I dreamed I needed to get some mangoes for that horrid young hobbit, Ally - the one from Whales... so I caught an eagle to Americohobbitoland, and then caught a buffalo to Farmer Dave's farm... The next thing I know, I'm at the foot of his mango trees -- strange place to grow them mind, possibly a frost free position -- anyhow, I'm just about to shimmy up a tree and David sets his horrid carnivorous dogs on me! I've been running ever since...

Jane: That's a long time sleep walking, and sleep flying too to be honest!

Odo: Yes - and the worst part is, his dogs flew after me!

Jane: Flew?

Odo: Yes - have you not heard of the Winged Dogs of Americohobbitland?

Jane: Well, no I haven't...

Odo: Nor me until tonight! Anyway, those dogs chased me down toward my smial, and then I lost them by ducking down Trysting Lane, and then up Naughty End by the back way, and here I am! ... I think I've lost them and maybe I need to stay here at your manse for the night! .... By the way, where are the Sixth Form girls?

Jane: Away on camp, why do you ask?

Odo: No reason. Anyway, can I stay here?

Jane: Well, only if you remain in this sitting room on the couch... And you must not - MUST NOT - come near the Auditorium during the night!

Odo: Why ever not?

Jane: Because we are holding a Conclave of the Eruvian Naked Lady's Society there come 1.00am... It is a special occasion celebrating all things feminine - before Eru. Much shall be revealed, especially the Spiritual and the Tactile... It's not proper for a male to see, for they would misunderstand our purposes, perhaps confused by the alcoholic nectar and heady scent of rose oil, let alone our feminine activities generally!

Odo: Oh, I see... I must not sneak down there then... No, no - not at all!

Jane: Here is a blanket. Snuggle up on the couch...

Odo: Yes, dear Jane. I will snuggle up her ALL night - and thank you very very much!

Tinuviel wrote:Well, your dogs might be working for Huan right now, trying to track Odo down I'll call them back for you

Thank you, Your Majesty!
My dogs returned today, exhausted and soaking wet, with a badly chewed black acubra hat.
Where do you suppose they could have been all this time, I wonder?

Oh Eru knows Dave! Huan tends to get sidetracked whenever he smells... well... anything!