A Midsummer Nights Dream (in Forumshire)

Just about to post it Eldo- hang on- 2 secs.

4.

A crescent silver moon hangs in the starry air and shines down on Needlehole, but to no avail, really it may as well not have bothered, as most of its inhabitants  are not home this strangest of magical nights, no, instead it is to the hill above we must turn our watchers gaze.
On its furthest slopes, tree crowded, in star and moon lit hidden glade Queen Tinuviel dreams elvish dreams, and from Cc's whimsical touch phrases from early music hall acts randomly fill her slumbering head. Let us listen to her sleep.
“A little bit of what you fancy” she murmurs, “She'd never had her ticket punched before,”she seems to conclude before rolling over in her flower strewn bower.
Around her, in equal elvish sleep her Court and guards lie. And over all the moths and fireflies flit.
And so we will leave them, for through the trees, and up towards the hills crown, where the trees are thinner and stand further apart, figures approach in panicky disarray.
There goes Eldo, urging the others on, considering all contingencies and then worrying about each one.
There goes Orwell, almost a blur, there really is no better at running from an approaching female insurgence, off he goes into the trees legs awhir.
And there David, barely running, instead taking the slope in the steady long strides of a farmer, without ever stumbling.
Next is RA, making good speed considering  his robot costume stiffens limbs, there he goes whirring   mechanically by, down the slope he careers, my look at him fly.
And at the rear comes hairy Halfwise and Lance, if it were a race they would never win, for between them a huge rounded head and waving limbs, and muffled cursing- Petty trapped and bruised within.
And as they reach the safety of the trees outreaching arms and turn to observe, the ladies of Forumshire full of verve, make their reappearance in the hidden dell, and what shall unfold there you will now hear tell.

“Did you hear something then?” Ally asked as the ladies crested the rim of the dell.

“No,” responded  Amarie.

“I thought for a minute the Chorus had started rhyming,” she said mysteriously.

“What fucking chorus?” Norc demanded striding into the dell, she had most of their camping gear piled on her back, it was taller than she was but she seemed to bear it with Fjordian ease, and now began to deposit it all to the grassy ground.

“Oh nothing,” Ally said a little distractedly,”just thought I heard something.”

“Now don't you start on about bogey men in the night,” Figgs warned Ally, “bugs and bats and rain and wind are trouble enough. I wont be having with bogey men, I had one of them in the cellar of my shop once and it was a bugger to get back out again,” she said with a frown, “my eels got quite the shock, they were stiff for weeks poor things, took twelve jars of special oil to remedy that did, and not the cheap stuff neither,” she said grumpily.

She was not feeling in the best of spirits, apart from the fact she was actually camping, a fate bad enough in and of itself, she had also realised in the hike up the slope that all she could increasingly think about was sitting down at the top and, ideally, drinking wine until she fell over and forgot the whole night had happened. Her feet hurt too just to add to her woes.

She had to admit she was not getting any younger, exactly how much not younger she was getting had however become a bit of a blur, the last time she had really been interested in the world was somewhere about the 1920's and it was sometime about then, when her days had been filled with wrangling to the gentry and nobility, and her eel shop was renowned and always full of young ladies and gentlemen, and she had danced the nights away to the Charleston in her flapper and sung “Oh by Jingo.Here Come My Eels!” round the grand piano, that she had stopped counting.

And now here she was, of indeterminable age, although looking good for it still she had to admit; her hair was still the same vibrant red it had always been, and she had kept her figure, even if she did have to do some sculpting with clothing to get it back into the shape of her figure, but nevertheless, she was still up a hill at night in supposed celebration of marrying a Scotshobbit whose main, and possibly only, skill was he could always find an open pub.

Amarie noticed the look on Figg's face, “Are you ok?” she asked as Figg gratefully put down her backpack and Azriel did the same. Amarie was carrying nothing at all.

Norc reached behind herself and from somewhere under her fur cloak produced a machete that was about the size of a sword.

Instinctively Figg and Azreil took a few steps back from her, there was some collective memory in the English psyche of blade wielding Vikings that made them do so, put they relaxed when Norc put it down and began setting up the tents quickly and efficiently.

“I'm fine,” Figg said in reply to Amarie, and gave her a not very convincing smile.

“Not getting cold feet are you?”Amarie asked.

“Mine would have frozen off by now,” Azriel put in.

“No, I am not,” Figg said, though perhaps not entirely convincingly.

“I fucking would be,” Norc said from somewhere inside a half erected tent Figg had insisted on having to sleep in.

“Norc!” Amarie admonished.

“Well, “Norc said emerging, “he's a drunk, he lives in a fucking barrel, he's the most crabbit person alive, ever, and even the fact he is still alive makes him fucking crabbit, and he looks like something that congealed rather than was born, and then was wrapped in tartan,” she concluded.

“Norc, that's not fair on Petty,” Amarie admonished, “he has his good sides.”

“No he doesn't, I've seen him from the back and its just as fucking bad.”

Figg's lip quivered slightly, Azriel caught sight of it, “Well he is good with money,” she said by way of trying to bolster Figgs, “he must have a fair bit of it,” she added, “after all he never spends any of it.” she trailed off.
Figg's lip trembled some more.

“And he can be very romantic,”Amarie offered, “remember that time we caught him singing love songs to his buckie bottle?”

The tremble in Figg's lip had now taken on epic proportions and had enlisted the help of the side of her cheek now too.

Amarie looked to Ally for help, but she was standing alone a little way of at the edge of the dell, looking really cool in the moonlight.

“Shut up!” Figg yelled, “all of you just shut up,” she slumped to the grass and was annoyed to here her knees crack adding to her sense of indignity, she sighed deeply, “You are all right. What am I doing? He doesn't pay me any real attention, the only time we really talk its too fight. In fact I swear the only conversations we've had that last more than two sentences are arguments. Not that I mind the arguments, good fun, but all the time?”

“Your relationship is, passionate,” Amarie said softly and carefully.

Figgs snorted, “Is it too much to ask he pays me some attention? Occasionally says a nice word to me? Maybe has a bath more than once a year? Its not like I'm asking him to give up buckie.”

They all considered this notion a moment, but it was too bizarre a concept, no one had seen Petty sober, he considered going more than one hour without buckie as being dangerously close to sobering up and so did all he could to avoid it, mainly by drinking every minute of every hour as a preventive measure.

But before anyone could say anything more there came a strange sound from over the hill, a sort of strangled “whoooooo.....aaaaaargh”.

They all looked up.

Out of their sight, over the brow of the hill Lance and Halfwise had lost their grip on Petty, who had  been increasing in pace. The slope of the hill, their pace in fleeing had all contributed to the head of the suit dragging him forward, until eventually he had careered off alone down the last stretch with a cry of  “whoooooo” that went up in increasing pitch as he thought his legs were going to fall off and entered the wood and went head first into a tree “aaaaaargh” he cried and slumped to the roots.

In the dell they looked in the direction of the noise.

“Ally's bogeyman?” Azriel asked and straightened her black pointed hat in the same sort of way a gun-slinger adjusts his Stetson before drawing, she rummaged about her person and produced a variety of magical sigils and seals to ward of evil and potential husbands, “I'll be ready for it if it is,” she said darkly.

“You know,” Figgs said, “there was something, familiar about that cry.”

“Probably an owl or some shit,” Norc said dismissively, you heard all sorts out of a night in Fjordialand, from trolls to giant herring in the fjords, a muffled cry was small beans by comparison and did not even raise a single hair on her viking neck, “lets just get a fucking fire going.”

At the edge of the wood the Forumshire exceptionally amateur dramatics society had gathered around Petty.

“Is he still alive,” Lance asked giving Petty a prod. Some octopus arms twitched.

“He doesn't smell alive,” Halfwise put in, wrinkling his nose, which nobody could see thanks to his fringe.

“Cheeky bastards!” came a muffled crabbit voice, “I'll huv yi ken this is buckie cologne I'm wearin' here, its bloody expensive too,” he said as they helped him back to his feet, arms flapping and head wobbling, “well its expansive fir me, as I keep drinking the bloody stuff,” he added as he tottered to his feet.

“Now what do we do? Asked RA in complete innocence of the fact that sort of question could get you killed in Forumshire.

Eldo frowned at him,”We wait until they finish whatever they are doing and then we go back to rehearsal,” he explained, then a worried look passed over his face.

He checked his clipboard and flicked through some pages of the hefty sheaf that was clipped to it, “this is all going to need rescheduling,” he bemoaned, “and new charts too, time assessments, not to mention the knock on effect,” he shook his head and felt his future stress induced  heart attack creep  to 37.
“What's that?” Orwell asked pointing back up the slope towards the dell, where something pointy had appeared silhouetted against the starry sky.

“Azriels hat?”David suggested.

“Too big,” Lance pointed out, “I could get the capri in there.”

“Its a tent!” Halfwise said having worked out in his head its mathematical dimensions and translated them to known objects.

“A tent!” Eldo exclaimed, “that means they're here for the night. Well that's the whole schedule ruined now!” he tore at the top most pages of the clipboard in a fit that made the others stand back and watch as he tore the papers to bits in frustration.

When it seemed he had finished and was taking gulping breaths to clam down RA ventured, “We may as well go home then,” not knowing that going home at night from here in Forumshire could get you killed.

“We can't go back the way we came, they would see us,” Halfwise pointed out.

“And we can't go through the woods that just leads to Russet Bog,” Lance added, “and that's no place to be at night with all the spammers about.”

They all nodded in agreement.

“We could go the other way, over there, “ Ra said pointing to his left, “and get to Bree through Davids fields.”

David stared hard at him, thinking surely RA must know that was just the sort of thing that could get you killed in Forumshire, “No one is crossing my land,” Dave said, all his Farmer's land possession bristling to the surface, “Keep of my land!” he growled fiercely.

“Now,” Eldo said holding up a cautious hand to David, “No one is seriously suggesting we cross your fields,” he said in conciliatory tone, “RA was just joking.”

“So what do we do?” asked :Lance.

“I guess we will have to sleep here, in the woods,” Eldo suggested.

Petty waved his hands about, slapping them all in agitation, “Nooo way,” he yelled from inside the suit, “I dinnae huv the buckie fir aw night, an the pubs will aw be closed by the time wi get hame, noo fucking way. I'm no staying here. I'm aff.”

“Well you do smell off,” Halfwise observed wryly.

Petty staggered away from them, bumped off one tree and into a another but as this was perfectly normal for him it did not slow him down much.

“Petty!” Eldo called after him.

“Oh, let him go Eldo,” Halfwise said, “I calculate he only has a two percent chance of finding his own way home anyway,” he informed them, “and that's based on someone finding him and taking him there.”

Back in the dell Norc had got a good fire going with wood she had brought with her in her impressively large backpack.

"Where has Ally got to?" Azriel asked looking round and not seeing her in the dell.

"Must have found something cooler to do," Figg shrugged.

“I'll be right back,” Amarie said and waved her hands about in front of herself performing Dark Planet Magic which Azriel observed with the air of one professional watching another work.

A black slit in the less dark night behind opened in the air and Amaire stepped into and disappeared, a few minutes later she emerged with three elegantly carved and comfortable chairs
and deposited them before going back in and re-emerging with four crystal glasses and several bottles of expensive wine stolen from the best wine sites by the Dark Planet.

The slit closed up behind her without a sound.

“You know that's fucking cheating,” Norc said, “its not really camping.”

“That's why I didn't bring you a chair Norc,” Amarie smiled sweetly back.

Figg sat back in her chair which was very comfortable and put her feet up on a handy rock and kicked off her shoes.

Amarie poured her a wine and handed it to her.

“Maybe I've misjudged camping,” Figg said lifting her glass to her lips.

Norc grumbled to herself at this.

“What was with the Cumberbum flag Eldo put up today,” Azriel asked, “Did anyone else see it?”

“Yes, I saw it, “ Amaire said, “just after noon. I had to put in the afternoon reports.”

“Bloody weird if you ask me, has Eldo got another man crush?” Figg asked from behind her already half empty glass.

“More a Norc crush I suspect,” Amarie smirked.

Norc went red.

“Are you actually blushing Norc?” Azriel said pointing to Norc's reddening face.

“No I am fucking not!” Norc refuted, despite the glowing evidence upon the face saying it.

“Oh?” Figg said sitting up, all their female radars on high alert, there was gossip here and the night would not be done until they had got it all from Norc, “Spill the beans Norc. Are you and Eldo an item now?”

“You know I could always just bewitch you into telling us, “Azriel said and waved a crystal at Norc.

“All right! For fucks sake!” Norc said putting up her hands “there's not much to tell.”

“Well bloody well hurry up and tell us what there is to tell,” Figg said, refiling her glass.

“We've been dating in secret, for a while,” Norc began.

“Oh well all know that!” Figg said with a wave of her glass.

“Do you?” Norc said surprised and a bit annoyed, “How?”

“Oh yeah, Amarie told us,” Figg replied jerking the thumb of her free hand at Amarie.

“Sorry,” Amarie shrugged, “You know how I have to put everything in my reports.”

“Come on!” Figg urged taking another large gulp of wine, “get to the good stuff. Why the flag?”

“Well,” Norc began, “It was rather odd, I saw him this morning and all I said was 'wouldn't it be fucking funny if one day instead of his flag over Forumshire it was Cumberbums face.' And next thing I know there it fucking is, and when I went to see him about it he was really weird and all but ran away.”

“Some men are like that,” Figg said knowingly, “Orwell runs away all the time.”

“Better off without men, “ Azriel observed, “they are only good for one thing and they are usually no bloody good even at that.”

“But how do you feel about Eldo?” Figg prodded from her chair, “does he make you tingle?” she waved her glass suggestively at her, which was quite hard to do but Figg more than most could make almost anything suggestive if she wanted to, it was an eel wranglers skill.

“I dunno,” Norc replied with a sad shrug, “I mean, I really like him and all, but..” she trailed off.

“But what?”Amarie asked.

“Well he puts all our dates on a schedule, he has a fucking chart, with coloured arrows. And when I went to use the bathroom I sneaked into his bedroom and looked in his wardrobe, he has a schedule for what to wear, when to wear it, pinned on the door. And then I found,” she stopped again.

Everyone sat forwards in their seat, even Figg for whom the task was becoming more difficult thanks to the third glass of wine she was on.

“Found what?” Figg demanded, “Mucky magazines? Some of Dave's veg? A dress? What? Come on girl, don't keep us all in bloody suspenders here.”

“His underpants,” Norc said grimly.

“What comic book superheroes all over them was there?” Figg asked , “At least yours wear them,” she added, and that reminder of Petty made her pour herself another glass.

“No,” Norc said, “it wasn't that, although they were, yes, it was the fact they were on fucking coat hangers.”

There was silence at this revelation.

“Very tidy mind,” Amarie said eventually.

“He is never spontaneous,” Norc grumbled, “not ever.”

“And you, sort of are,” Azriel observed, thinking of the dogs and the sleigh incident in Needlehole.

“Kind of all the time,” Figg added, “I can see the problem. Men” she concluded darkly into her glass.

“Come on, they are not all bad,” Amarie ventured.

“Well, “ Azriel said, “I suppose not, not if you don't include the live ones.”

“There is something to be said for the married life,”Amarie insisted with a slightlywistful look of satisfaction on her face.

“That's easy for you to say, “ Figg replied, “you've got Finrod the Fjordian adonis back home and the only ship builder that can repair a hole in the hull by lifting the bloody ship up with one hand.”

She took another drink, “Petty can't even  lift himself back off the bloody floor with both hands.”

“Eldo would spend three months working out how to do it with charts and diagrams, “ Norc put in.

“Look at us two!” Figg laughed ruefully, “there you are stuck with a man who probably has to put all the letters in order before he will eat alphabet soup, and me with a man who only qualifies as such because no ones come up with a third category yet.”

Figg took another long drink, “Trouble is,”she said, “what do we do about them?”

The question hung unanswered over the dell.


Deep in the woods Petty was lost. This did not trouble him too much, he was often lost, what mattered was he keep moving, because if he kept moving eventually he was bound to either meet someone, or end up somewhere, and either way increased the chances of being led to where the buckie was.

So he blundered on through the trees, ricochetting from tree to tree and occasionally getting his many arms stuck on branches.

Eventually he burst into what seemed to be an open glade, it was hard to tell from inside the suit, but it seemed brighter here and the air felt less close and musty.

He tripped over something that yelped and went tumbling over to the ground landing amidst a bower of flowers and almost right on top of the sleeping Queen Tinuviel.

She sat up and tried to comprehend what was happening to her, she felt odd, dreamy, and the sight before certainly belonged in a dream.

There were several arms lying across her and beside her, struggling fitfully was a creature with a giant bulbous green head and two shining disks of black for eyes. It was also swearing.

Tinuviel stared at it in amazement.

“What angel wakes me from my flowery bed?” the Queen asked.

“Didnae jist sit there lassie,” Petty's muffled voice came from within the head, “gies a huand up yi daftt bint insteed o' jist lying there lookin' glakit.”

“Please speak again” Tinuviel pleaded, “my ear is enamoured of your note, and my eye enamoured of your shape and all its many limbs.”

This was met by a moments silence then, “Say that agin lassie?”

“Your voice and form have moved me,” Tinuviel enthused at him,” that on first sight I say to you, I love you.”

There was another long pause from Petty, “Now dinane be daft,”he said, “yi've nae reason tae be going abbot saying that, mind you, tae speak the truth o' it,” he added thinking of Figgs, “reason an' love didnae huv much tae day wi wan aneither these days.”

“You are as wise as you are beautiful,” Tinuviel said and tried to take Petty up in her arms.

“Haud on there!” Petty squealed from within the huge head, “That's enough o' that lassie. Haunds aff. I'm getting the hell oot o here yi maddy.”

“Do not desire to leave me, “Tinuviel cried and leapt to grab him by one trailing arm, Petty tottered, swayed and came crashing back down again with a thump and a cry of pain and a muttered “bugger!”

“You will remain here with me,” Tinuviel said and then her face set firm, “whether you will or not. For I am a Queen of Elven kind and I do love you, therefore you must stay with me, for all of time.”
She caressed the huge curved brow with one hand, “I will give you elves to attend on you.”

“Thats aw very kind,” Petty said, “but am getting the fuck oot o here right noo.” He struggled to get out ofher grip and failed under the wieght of the suit.

“I will fetch you jewels from the deep,” Tinuviel promised.

“Whit fir?” Petty asked suspiciously.

“You can have all you desire,” Timiviel went on, “it shall be yours, but you shall be mine.”

“Cun yi git us some buckie?” Petty asked slowly.

“All you can drink,” Tinuvuel laughed.

“Ah well then, noo that makes aw the difference.”

What a large slice of story.  It's only saving grace, it being hilarious.  How audacious, laddie.



“Look at us two!” Figg laughed ruefully, “there you are stuck with a man who probably has to put all the letters in order before he will eat alphabet soup, and me with a man who only qualifies as such because no ones come up with a third category yet.”

So true, so true! Mrs Figg is shown for her clear sighted wisdom, yet again.  

What a large slice of story.- Orwell

Um, yeah, sorry about that. You see I knew where I was starting, I knew where I was ending, and I had all these ideas about what happens in the middle, but it kind of took longer to fit the middle in than I anticipated!

Pettytyrant101 wrote:Well could be worse- Orwell only got name checked in the last episode (i,um forgot he was in the scene and had to hasilty paste him back in!)

An after thought... me....  

Pettytyrant101 wrote:What a large slice of story.- Orwell

Um, yeah, sorry about that. You see I knew where I was starting, I knew where I was ending, and I had all these ideas about what happens in the middle, but it kind of took longer to fit the middle in than I anticipated!

Well, so long as you don't ever write so much again, unless it's as good again.... I'll be watching closely...  

An after thought... me... - Orwell

If its any consolation (and I doubt when you read it it really will be) you have an important part in upcoming events.  

The irreversible damage you've done to our friendship is absolutely irreversible, Petty, so it better be good.  

Now Orwell,I wont be having that, because you commented on it before I noticed the mistake and corrected it.
Which means you didnt notice you weren't in it.
And if that's not much worse then hopefully it at least muddies the water enough to blur the blame around a bit.  

 So this is why you're in charge if the Buckie. I knew I was delusional when I said it!

It still counts!!!!

Pettytyrant101 wrote:What a large slice of story.- Orwell

Um, yeah, sorry about that. You see I knew where I was starting, I knew where I was ending, and I had all these ideas about what happens in the middle, but it kind of took longer to fit the middle in than I anticipated!

I actually liked all the story stuff going on, though of course it was hilarious too!

Bloody brilliant ! I love the smooth flow of words & actions ! My mind was doing over time reading this, I can see you flapping about, bonking into trees, Dear figgy getting more & more slozzled, Norc with a "pissed off" face cos of Eldo !.....And Eldo ! I can see that ! (sorry Eldo  ) I can see charts & diagrams for EVERYTHING ! So many sentences were so funny,I couldnt pick one out ! And then you have Tinuviel, complete opposite, gracious, Elven, very Queenly. Canoodling an octopus !!   

Pettytyrant101 wrote:Did I give you the radio plays Norc?
The books are excellent and a must read, but I think its at its best where it began in its original format- radio.

 yeah, i don't know. u gave me something.

gonna read ur two latest parts soon petty, i have them printed out (11pages!  )

Um didnt realise the last two were quite that long!  
Sorry- hopefully though it will be worth the read. I look forward to hearing your thoughts, as the ladies of Forumshire make their controversial return and your character is in it quite a bit too (Im still waiting with some trepidation to read what Mrs Figg makes of the last bit  )


And thanks to everyone else for their comments- so glad you are all enjoying it as much as I am writing it.

eldo warned me there was some noldo shipping going on..

 Yes, but in Forumshire style.

...

Eldorion wrote:

Mixed feelings, hey?

Well, I can assure you, its not going to get any better so he will have to get used to it!

Pettytyrant101 wrote:And thanks to everyone else for their comments- so glad you are all enjoying it as much as I am writing it.

I don't actually enjoy reading stuff of yours I like... I'd prefer you write rubbish, so I can look down my nose at you.  

Well I aim to please so normal service will no doubt resume at some point!

Excellent...