Council of Odo

Odo: Now, Mirabella, you can take the minutes if you don't mind.

Mirabella: Yes, Uncle. I'll tick off names as I go, shall I?

Odo: Please do.

Mirabella: Biffo.

Biffo: Ime heeyah.

Mirabella: Wisey.

Wisey: Here.

Mirabella: Odo.

Odo: What! The deuce! Of course I'm here.

Mirabella: I'm just reading off my list.

Odo: Well, shouldn't I be at the top?

Mirabella: Shall I cross it out and put it up at...

Odo: Never mind. Never mind. Please to continue.

Mirabela: Janesmith?

Janesmith: Here.

Mirabella: Orwell the Splendiferous.

Odo: What the...?

Mirabella: Said he wouldn't come unless I called him that, Uncle.

Orwell: That's true. Here!

Odo:

Mirabella: Kafria.

Kafria: Here.

Odo: Are you the Real Kafria?

Kafria: Of course I'm not. As if we'd want the likes of her here!

Odo: Good point.

Mirabella: Biffo.

Biffo: Wot?

Mirabella: Will you please stop peering down Porgy's cleavage and concentrate...

Porgy: Here!

Orwell: To be fair, Bif was concentrating...

Mirabella:

Odo: Come on, get on with it, or we'll be here all day.

Mirabella: I think that's everyone.

Pippin: What about me?

Merry: And me?

Odo: I organise a Secret Council and here's you two again. Get out.

Mirabella: Please let them stay. I asked them to come. They're renting one of my rooms, and they're so cute.

Odo: What next: Frodo Baggins?

Biffo: Eye thort ee woz in Valium?

Mirabella: Valinor, Bif - Valinor.

Biffo: Ya zatz rite. Y r u repeeden itt?

Mirabella:

Orwell: I actually heard he came back.

Pippin: No, that's just a rumour Merry started.

Merry: Yeah - I was pissed and tryin' to lure Booby Broadbutt over to my place. She's mad keen on Frodo, even if he's a poof.

Orwell: A poof? Surely not!

Merry: He is, you know...

Pippin: Only latent, he hasn't come out officially or anything.

Merry: That's true. We only found out when we were bathing that time at Crickhollow.

Pippin: It was the way he watched us towelling off. You could tell.

Merry: He denied it of course.

Pippin: As you would, everyone did back then.

Merry: Denied everything, actually, everything...

Pippin That's true.

Odo: Yes, all very well, but let's get on with this... ... Now, Mirabella, has everyone's name been called?

Mirabella: I'm not sure really.... I've actually forgotten how many of us there are... Too many to keep track of, I know that much.

Pretty Tyrant: What about me?

Odo:

Wisey:

Biffo:

Mirabella:

Janesmith:

Porgy:

Pippin:

Merry:

Odo: Well, Eru suck my bananas! What's she doing here?

Orwell: I invited her.

Odo: But she's a Tyrant!

Orwell: You're damn right about that.

Odo: But this is a Secret Council. She'll be off like a shot to tell her rather unattractive brother Everything!

Pretty: Like f*^k I will.

Odo: But I thought - how do I say this - I thought you and him were, in a fashion, err.... working out of the same office.

Pretty: If he can talk for Mrs Figg in that silly NotP rag of his, then surely, I can attend a Secret Council without Him having input into what I say.

Orwell: I think that's reasonable.

Odo: So do I, come to think about it.

Mirabella: So, I think we're ready to start, Uncle.

Odo: My goodness me, I feel like I've been here for ages already! Anyway, I have gathered all my closest family and friends, and Orwell here for a Most Secret Council.

Orwell: How secret?

Odo: Most!

Orwell, Biffo, Mirabella, Wisey, Janesmith, Porgy, Mirabella: Ooooooooooh!

Odo: Yes, and that means what gets said here stays here.

Biffo: Wot?

Odo: Everything, Biffo, everything must be our secret.

Biffo: Wot secrete?

Odo: There's no secrets.

Biffo: Wot?

Odo: There's no secrets, not yet.

Mirabella: Biffo, be quiet a moment. You're not helping.

Porgy: Oh Biffo, you're not looking at me. Not that you have to, or anything, or that I would want you to.

Orwell: I admit it's worth it.

Odo: What's worth it?

Orwell: Looking at Porgy. Lovely top she's wearing, what.

Odo: What? Porgy?... Oh I see....

Mirabella: Uncle - Meeting. Uncle! MEETING.

Odo: Oh yes. I've gathered you to this Most Secret Council to discuss a matter of major importance. It has come under my notice that the new Mayor of Forumshire is trying to get hold of a Powerful Power.

Porgy: Ooh. How Powerful?

Odo: Pretty powerful, alright.

Prety: Pretty Tyrant you mean. You can't mean that Pretty Powerful, who is a perfectly prim hobbit that lives in Archet... She makes me vomit... She's not the kind of girl Kafria would want. But Me - well, everyone wants me.

Odo: No, no.... We're talking about Kafria wanting to grasp at power... Shut up, Pretty! Let me speak. She wants to learn how to read "Encrypted" messages.

Orwell: Confound her. But that goes to the very heart of all things cherishable and proper in a Free Forumshire.

(Angry voices raised throughout Odo's kitchen).

Odo: Yes, the Old Grey Mare is up to no good.

Mirabella: Old Grey Mare?

Odo: That's rather good I thought. I coined that name myself.

(Much giggling in Odo's kitchen).

Odo: Anyhow... I plan to stop her somehow...

Janesmith: How do you plan to?

Odo: I don't know. That's also why I called this Most Secret Council. How do we stop her?

Orwell: If she gets that Powerful Power (to read conversations protected by Encryption Spells, that is), she'll know Everything. I mean, we already know she's a know-it-all, but this would be ridiculous.

Biffo: Zar sooo bigg, Porkee....

Porgy: Shush... hee heee hee...

Odo: Yes, Orwell, the Old Grey Mare will have TOO much power over us if she gets that Power.

Orwell: What shall we do?

Pretty: Kill her.

Odo: Well, that might be a bit extreme.

Orwell: Maybe it is, maybe not --- but can we leave it until after 2014 if we decide to?

Janesmith: As a Mother Superior I don't hold with killing people. Can't we abduct her and chain her up in one of the dungeons at Out Lady's. I could then practice my wiles on her and perhaps make her a changed woman.

Pretty: You weaklings. Kill her I say!

Mirabella: I won't be a party to such a dastardly act!

Pretty: Ha! You reveal yourself as such a weak female Mirabella.

Mirabella: Am not.

Pretty: Are so.

Mirabella: Damn you, woman, put up your dukes!

Odo: Now, now, girls, you mustn't...

Orwell: My goodness. A wrestle!

Biff": Maybbee zale kizz!

Janesmith: Stop that now, you two. It's very unladylike... Oh my goodness, they've fallen into that toddler's pool by the fridge. Is that actually jelly in there?

Pretty: She strarted it. Hey don't pull my top off like that...

Mirabella: Then leave my skirt alone...

Pretty: Are they new knickers you're wearing..?

Mirabella: They are you know....

Pretty: Amazing?

Mirabella: What is?

Pretty: Well, you're in Uniform!

Mirabella: Half in Uniform, bitch! And what are you saying? Hey! I'm still a woman underneath, always...

Pretty: Keep your hands off my bra strap--- oh gawd, you've snapped the strap... Take this - take that... Ha! I've got your bra now!

Mirabella: Bitch!... Oooh. I've got jelly up my...

Odo: Guards! Guards! Take those two away!

Orwell: Guards?

Biffo: Arent zey gobblens, Odo?

Big Goblin: Where shall we take them, Lord Odo?

Huge goblin: To the cellars?

Middlesized Goblin: Or to that spare room with the mirrors and chains?

Odo: Take them anywhere, just don't leave them here! Disgusting behaviour. Fancy writhing naked together in my jelly bath... My gawd, my jelly's bound to be ruined now...

(Much noise, and squeals, and curses - from Pretty and Mirabella - and disappointed sighs - from Biffo and Orwell. Door slams closed).

Odo: Now, can we get back to it, do you think?

Orwell: What I want to know is, how did you come to have goblin guards?

Odo: Money talks. Money talks.

Orwell: But they're goblins!!!

Odo: They're nice good natured goblins...

Orwell: They looked the worst kind of vicious horrid goblins I've ever seen!

Odo: Okay, they came cheap. Now, let's get on with this.

Biffo: Nice, Porgy... U gott ya owen jellees...doen ugun, pleez...

Odo: Do you mind, Biffo! I wish you'd concentrate.

Orwell: He is -- hee hee hee.

Janesmith: I must get going. I must be back at Our Lady's to tuck in our senior girls.

Wisey: And I've got a vibe happening. I must get home to my channelin. Porgy? Are you coming?

Porgy: Not yet... I mean - I'm not coming home yet...

Wisey: Biffo, is that your nose in my wife's cleavage...?

Orwell: It is, you know.

Porgy: I think he fainted, Wisey, and fell in there...

Biffo: Wot? (Muffled).

Wisey: Come, my dear-- Home!

Kafria: You know, this has given me an idea. Janesmith, may I whisper in your ear.... {{{}}}

Janesmith: Hee hee {{{}}}

Orwell: Ladies, may I? {{{}}}

Janesmith: {{{}}}

Kafria: {{{}}}

Orwell: {{{}}} That's it then. See you next meeting. Coming, ladies?

Kafria and Janesmith: Not yet - hee hee hee.

Orwell: Oh you two are full of sauce!

Wisey: It looks like we're all going, Odo.

Porgy: Can Bif come over and play cards with me while you channel, dear? I do get bored so easily.

Wisey: Oh alright.

Porgy: Come along Bif. I do hope you're over your fainting spell.

Biffo: Wot?

Odo: Well, er... thank you everyone... What say we meet again next week... Still have things to discuss, you know.... .... .... .... What a peculiar and somewhat squalid business that was...

Merry: You know, this reminds me so much of the Council of Elrond.

Pippin: That's true.

Odo: Come along. I'll show you out. And don't touch my umbrellas!





[i]

{{{{{{ }}}}}}

{{{You caught me editing. I think it's far more Respectable now, Mr Tyrant... Least, I hope so }}}

And I used to wonder why the Conspiracy never goes anywhere.

I dont know whats more disturbing, Kafrias Sarumanesque lust for power or the Banks clan in full flow.

Definitely the Banks Clan gathered together in one place and Pretty being there Funny though, how they didn't encrypt this whole meeting, since Eldo and I are still the only ones with encryption breaking abilities, Kafria wouldn't have been able to read it... good thinking Bankses

Pretty: If he can talk for Mrs Figg in that silly NotP rag of his, then surely, I can attend a Secret Council without Him having input into what I say.

That is so typical of you Pretty- you know nothing and do no research- explains why you are so successful in journalism! I will have you know Mrs Figg does all her own replies to the problems she receives without any interference from NotP!
And I talk for no one! Considering you write for the NotP I would think you would at least know I only deliver the thing.

yes its true, they are all my own somewhat tawdry work, my little brain only works in doople entendrez, I blame my parents for letting me watch, Are you being served, Dick Emery, George and Mildred, Steptoe and son, Man about the house and the Black and White minstrel show, probably the most un PC shows on earth, how the hell could I hope to not have them inprint into my DNA?

Tiswas is responsible for almost everything I do- don't let me near flans either. And I wonder Mrs Figg if you remeber OTT? {{{Which certainly enlivened my youth- so innocent now by modern standards, yet at the time.. }}}}

yes I remember those, was Tiswas with Chris Tarrant? I was a bit young for all those programms I mentioned, but they colour my sense of humour even so. My great hero was John Noakes and Shep, from Blue Peter, and David Attenborough and Bellamy and The sky at night with Patrick Moore.

Tiswas was Tarrant and Sally James- who was certainly an influencing factor in my childhood! (Thats how she dressed on tiswas on a Saturday morning- happy days not equaled till Holly Willibooby on Ministry of Mayhem!)



OTT was an adult tiswas a few years later. It was also hosted by Tarrant and I think Lenny Henry- it was a series of saucy seaside postcard sketches from what I remember employing page 3 lasses and the like- a mix of humour and breasts.

Heres a clip (but one without any nudity)

Hey you guys! Why would I need an encryption spell when I'm holding a Most Secret Council in my kitchen? And btw, I said "Secret Council", not "Unexpected Party!" Do you folk generally barge into someone's private parts?

{{{Note to self: I hope they don't stay too long. As the host, and I know my duty, however painful, I'll have to share my seed cakes, and I only made them this morning for my after Most Secret Council morsel! }}}

Well seeing as we are here now Odo how about some buckie. And some rasberry jam and apple tarts, oh and mince-pies and cheese, and maybe some pork-pie- oh and a salad for Kafria {{{{she's watching her weight since Pretty had that dig about her in the Daily Purist}}}}, and don't forget to put some eggs on and bring out the cold chicken, pickles and of course the seedcake.
Good chap Odo.

Pettytyrant101 wrote:

Alright, she's probably eighty by now, but gee, she's a red hot raver aint she - aint she now, cor blimey!!!

Yes I do miss the 70's aversion to the bra!

Pettytyrant101 wrote:Well seeing as we are here now Odo how about some buckie. And some rasberry jam and apple tarts, oh and mince-pies and cheese, and maybe some pork-pie- oh and a salad for Kafria {{{{she's watching her weight since Pretty had that dig about her in the Daily Purist}}}}, and don't forget to put some eggs on and bring out the cold chicken, pickles and of course the seedcake.
Good chap Odo.

I assume this is the Real Kafria as the other one left with Orwell and Janesmith a little earlier... (Back already, Orwell...? Chicken out again? ) Hey! Get out of my hole, Kafria! As if you - of all hobbits! - are welcome here!

Yes, bras are a symbol of female oppression (and constraint). I like nothing more than freeing them of them. (I do, guys, me being a libertarian and all... I do... Honest! I only came back early because Pseudo-Kafria and Janesmith said they were off to bed... Tired, I guess...)

Well in the strictest sense Kafria might not be here, yet, but under my contract with Pure Publications I have to surreptiously slip advertising into other threads for their publications.

Orwell I wouldnt bet on you being able to unhook a bra if you had diagrams a flow chart and two assisstants.

Err...well...um... Ha! I let them take them off ---- and right in front of me...! .... because, they know how (or I assume so)... so THERE, Mr Smarty Pettypants! Blow that out ya bagpipes!

Odo: Are we all here?

Mirabella: Yes, Uncle. Do we have to do a read-out again? ( )

Odo: No, no - no time (nor energy) for that. Have the un-wanted ones left yet?

Mirabella: Yes. As soon as they finished the last pork pie...

Odo: Oh well, I guess, I'll just have to get Primmy to bake some more... Mr Tyrant - while I'm glad you came, must you sit that way?

Petty: Ock the noo... what do ya mean, laddie?

Mirabella: I think he means you should cross your legs.

Pretty: Ooh, perish me knickers - iv I had any, boom boom. Sorry sweet gurl.

Orwell: You know, Petty, your accent is much thicker in person than it seems on the page.

Janesmith: And I wonder if it's really Scottish after all...

Porgy: Oh no, it's Scotshobbit... it's not actually Scottish at all, or not much.

Petty: Noo, I canna vouch for zat, Laddies and Ladies. Itz Scotshobbit thru and thru.

Porgy: I find it quite sexy.

Petty: Oooh, you'll have me blushing, you will, to wit, and namely, Porgy lass-me-gal...

Odo: Anyway, I've gathered you all here for a Most Secret Council --- Biffo, will you kindly lock the door... And tell Huge and Middlesized Goblin to guard the back door, and slay anyone who tries to sneak in that way.

Biffo: Orwite, Nunkle. Youse cumin' Porgy...?

Odo: And don't start that "comin' rubbish again! It weren't funny the first time...

Kafria: Nor the second neither... and me right in the middle of it.

Janesmith: I blame Orwell, actually.

Kafria: So do I. He's a disappointment, humouressly speaking...

Janesmith: And not only in the humour department.

Kafria: {[{[]}]}

Janesmith: {[{[]}]}

Orwell: Hey - they're using the new encryption brackets - and I suspect they're using them at my expense!

Janesmith: Well, you had your chance.

Orwell: What's that supposed to mean?

Janesmith:

Kafria:

Odo: Look, we're not here to talk about Orwell's inadequacies. Will you lot just stop it! Now, I've called you here for another Most Secret Council. Porgy dear, could you check the window is snibbed? There's a good lass.

Mirabella: Oh Uncle, surely you don't think anyone would be listenning through the open window...

Porgy: Oh my goodness. The window is open.. and who is it out there?... Hey! Come in here you little shite!

(Scuffling noises at Odo's kitchen window.)

Odo: Sam Gamgee!

Orwell: My goodness. What's he doing out there?

Sam: Oh sorry, sirs, I was doing nothing in the pansy patch... Oooh... my zipper came undone... but it was a mere error of judgment.... I should have waited until I got home to take a piddle...

Odo: Bag End is miles away from here, Master Samwise... Don't try that one on me. I hope you weren't masturbating on my roses...

Sam: No Mr Odo, sir, I was happening by on my way to the Muck and Duck - serves the best buckie south of Scotshobbiton it's said - and I needs to have that piddle... It's only chance that brought me into your garden... Ooh hello, Porgy... I didn't know you was here...

Porgy: No, that's a big coincidence...

Odo: Coincidence?

Sam: Well, Mr Odo, we weren't just talkin' over our mini-palantir's but fourty minutes ago.

Odo: I hope there was no mention of a Most Secret Council?

Sam: No, nothin' about that...

Odo: Good. Okay.. you're free to go...

Sam: Is Porgy ready to go out then?

Orwell: Hey steady on a moment, Odo - ask him if he heard anything through the window. I suspect he's not as stupid as he seems.

Porgy: Oh no, he is. But he's very strong and brawny.

Sam: Yes, sir, Mr Orwell, it's well knowen in the district that I can lift heavy weights and squeeze things ... and people .... very tight...

Porgy:

Biffo: Oi. Wotz gowen on ear? Stopp lukin ut Porkee zat way, Gumgee!

Orwell: Shut up, Biffo! Ask him what he heard, Odo!

Odo: Sam, what did you hear?

Sam: Oh only something about a Ring and some Dark Lord living in Belfast, and something about an Old Grey Mare...

Odo: Are you sure you were even listenning?

Orwell: He was probably perving through the window at Porgy. That's my guess.. and why wouldn't he? I think his story pans out. Let him go.

Janesmith: In what manner does his story pan out, Orwell?

Odo: Never mind. The way we're going we'll never get this Council over and done with... Now.. where were we...

Sam: Am I staying or going?

Odo: Go, go...

Sam: Back through the window then...?

Odo: Yes, off you go, my good hobbit...

Wisey: Where are you going, Porgy?

Porgy: Nowhere.

Biffo: Yuh! Seet doon!

Sam: Do you mind if I stay?

Odo: Why not?

Biffo: Noo, I fink ee shood go.

Wisey: Yes. Me too.

Odo: Oh shut up... Where was I? Oh yes, I've called this Most Secret Council...

Orwell: Shouldn't someone shut and snib the window?

Kafria: I'll do it....

Janesmith: Make sure no one's out there, Kaf.

Odo:

Kafria: No, no one there.

Odo: Okay... Let's start again...

Orwell: Mirabella? Are you and Pretty holding hands?

Pretty: No, we're not.

Orwell: I could have sworn...

Odo: Shut up, Orwell. Just SHUT UP! Now, I've gathered you all here to discuss, yet asgain, the machinations of a certain Old Grey Mare...

Wisey: What horse was that?

Odo: What are you talking about, Wisey?

Wisey: Why are we having a Most Secret Council about a horse...

Orwell: He means, Kafria, the Mayor.

Wisey: Why didn't he just say so then? I have enough trouble keeping up as it is.

Odo: I give up.

Petty: Noo, doen give up, me Laddie. This is busissness of importantness.

Pretty: Yes, I'm sure it is, but let's not waste valuable time - Bella and I are going to the pictures at nine...

Mirabella: As long as we see something romantic...

Pretty: Well "Braveheart is romantic..

Petty: Ock - but it bares nothin' ta za truth of wot appened...

Pretty: Shut up, Petty. It doesn't matter. It's jusrt a "film". You are such a Purist...

Petty: Ya make it sound like sumthin bad, gally!

Orwell: Has anyone noticed that Pretty doesn't have a Scotshobbit accent?

Odo: Shut up! Shut up!

Kafria: Look. Let's not muck about. Janesmith and I want to get back up to Our Lady's. Let's just cut to the quick. Mayor Kafria is out of control, so let's just kill her and have done.

Orwell: I can't begin to say how odd that sounds coming from you Kafria.

Kafria: I'm not the real Kafria, you now that.

Orwell: True, but I stand by what I said.

Biffo: Iv yor nutt za reel Kavateria, hoo are yu?

Kafria: Well, strictly speaking, I don't exist.

Janesmith: You mean - last night - was a figment of my imagintion? A dream?

Kafria: Then it was a lovely dream, Jane... lovely...

Odo: Alright, we'll kill her! It's perfectly clear we'll get nowhere the way things are going... Kill her... It's the only idea that has come up... Hey, Mirabella, you are holding Pretty's hand!

Mirabella: No I'm not.

Odo: Yes you are.

Mirabella: Look. Both hands.

Odo: Well, you let go when I said it.

Mirabella: No I didn't.

Porgy: You were, you know.

Pretty: So what if we were, Mr Odo Tootight-britches? It's none of your business anyhow.

Petty: Ock.. my dream is shattered, 'tis!

Pretty: You had your chance.

Orwell: So how do we kill Kafria...? Not the imaginary one, the Real one?

Biffo: Wot?

Porgy: Never mind, Bif... Do you like my new necklace..?

Sam: I do. Very much!

Biffo: So doo eye!

Sam: I said it first.

Biffo: I fort it furst!

Porgy: Oh boys - you musrtn't fight over me... no, not in front of Wisey anyhow...

Wisey: Hmm? Sorry, Porgy.... I was off channelin in my head... Oh goodnes - why are Sam and Biffo punching on...?

Orwell: My goodness gracious - they've fallen into Odo's jelly...

Odo: I'm not making it again...

Wisey: What a horrid sight.

Orwell: I agree.

Odo: I call this Most Secret Council to an end... Where's my umbrella? Seems I'll just have to bludgeon the Old Grey Mare myself...

Orwell: Will you two stop it -- I think I'm going to vomit...

Porgy: Ooh I don't mind... Whoops - there go Bif's trousers....

(Door slams as Odo leaves kitchen, umbrella in hand).

I wonder where Odo got to?

Odo: I have called you all here again to give you an update on my plans...

Mirabella: Role call?

Odo: No.... Now, my friends, we all know that my efforts to peaceably visit Mayor Kafria were thwartred...

Porgy: I heard you got a bump on the noggin and were found in a sack.

Odo: Well, certain rumours have circulated about that, I see... I'll talk to you later Orwell, after this council... but it is neither here nor there...

Porgy: I also heard your eagle got blown off course and you ended up spending Erumas Eve in Skattykatzenfjord...

Odo: Where did you hear that?

Porgy: Ringo Herring the Ninth mentioned it on Facepalantir...

Odo: Did he? What did he say happened?

Porgy: Only something about balloons, and sausages... and a game called "Pork the Buns"... which I've never heard of and he never explained... Oh yes, and "Trains and Tunnels" - which I personally thought sounded ever so anachronistic...

Odo: Anyhow, never mind... The point is: I never persuaded Mayor Kafria to... err... to "resign"... So I've decided we must wait until next election and see her voted out.

Orwell: Do you mean you're going to fight a Fair Election?

Odo: Of course, why wouldn't I? So over the next twelve months, we must look for and create as much dirt as possible on that horrid woman...

Mirabella: That doesn't sound fair, Uncle Odo...

Odo: Are you strupid or something, Mirabella? It's politics! I have already considered our first Rumour... First we'll circulate the rumour she has been having Affairs with all sorts of folk, hobbit lads, hobbit lasses, and --- and this is the best slur --- small furry animals!

Orwell: Isn't that what you were accused of during the last election?

Janesmith: No one brought up anything about "small furry animals"...

Odo: No,they didn't.... and, never mind that anyway... we're talking about Kafria does, not what I'm alleged to have done.

Orwell: Do?

Odo: What"?

Orwell: Shouldn't that be: "We're not talking about what I'm alleged to do?"

Odo: Do you mind, Orwell? I wish you'd concentrate...

Biffo: Un kungarues.

Odo: Excuse me.

Biffo: Wull, ina Ozzyobbottstun youse waz cort wiv kaungurues, morenwonce!

Odo: Yes, I was in the cavalry back in the Ned Kelly days... I was Captain of the Roocavalry... We all know that. Rode kangaroos often...

Biffo: Noo, I wosn torkin ubutt zat.

Odo: Well, I am. Now where were we?

Porgy: And Emus. I heard Odo was very fond of Emus...

Odo: I only rode emus when we were short of kangaroos... we were fighting a war, you know...

Orwell: "Rode" emus, hee hee heee ... "rode"...

Odo: Shut up.

Mirabella: Uncle Odo was in the Desert Corp, and he was out in the dust and sand for ever so long... with not a hobbit lass in sight for weeks on weeks. I mean, I'm sure he only did what any hobbit would do with his kangaroo in the circumstances...

Odo: You're not really helping, Mirabella...

Orwell: Or his emu...

Mirabella: Well, my point is, Uncle Odo is a hobbit with needs ... stronger than normal...

Orwell: And him out with a troop of heterosexual hobbits, as I heard... One hobbit's mount is another hobbit's mount...

Odo: It's rubbish, nothing ever happened, and until anyone comes forward to say they saw anything diffrent, I'm sticking to my story... Anyhow, where was I?

Janesmith: Who were you fighting?

Odo: What?

Janesmith: You never told me you were in the Ozhobbitstani Desert Corps. Who were you fighting?

Odo: Do we need to talk about that now...? I have more important things to...

Orwell: The Gummy Bears.

Janesmith: The Gummy Bears?

Orwell: Yes, they were trying to over run the Kimberley mines and Odo had to fight them off, pretty much singlehandedly by all accounts...

Biffo: Bye Iz ukowntz! He woz buk ut bass cump lookin ufta za kungarues... zat woz umportun to za Wor Evvort, mind.

Orwell: He sure looked after the kangaroos...

Porgy: Bif was everr so brave. He got several decorations for bravery. Sticky business fighting those Gummy Bears, hand to hand... Bif almost got killed several times while single handedly taking out machine gun nests... He got the Purple Heart, the Hero of Heroes Medal, and the Victoria Cross...

Odo: Yes, but someone had to look after the office correspondence....

Orwell: I heard Bif killed the Great Gumby himself... and a Balrog too...

Mirabella: It was actually a bullfrog... but a big one -- twice the size of a cane toad...

Biffo: Ut less twyse za siz!

Odo: Yes, yes - we all contributed in our own way... Let's move on. Once we've blackened the Mayor's sexual reputation, we'll move to Stage Two...

Orwell: Shush! I can hear noises outside the window!

Odo: Oh Sweet Eru...

Odo: I've gathered you here again to review our venture to Western Ozhobbitstan...

Orwell: Isn't that a blatant misuse of this Thread, Odo?

Odo: So suddenly you decide to be respectable?

Orwell: Quite right, Proceed.

Mirabella: Shall I do a roll call?

Odo: NO!

Mirabella: Oh Uncle Odo - chill, please chill.

Porgy: Are we going to talk over everything that happened?

Wisey: What do you mean by that, darling?

Frodo: Well, I can't stay long...

Cirdan: Yes. The ship's sailing in under an hour...

Odo: Well, I don't see that you should even be here, this being a Secret Council and all.

Orwell: Now, now, Odo. They are honoured guests.

Odo: Are they? Who invited them?

Janesmith: I did. They did a a Lecture of the "Silmarils" for our Year Eleven students. At least, Cirdan did. I have no idea why Frodo came.

Porgy: Nor should anyone. It's his business... surely...

Wisey: What does that mean?

Porgy: Oh Wisey, you've got so suspicious lately...

Orwell: Hasn't 'channelled' for days, as I heard. Has made him crabbit...

Biffo: Sum az zay ee's lost it!

Wisey: That's a lie - a damn lie!

Odo: Easy, Wisey, no need to talk about it.

Grey Pilgrim: What's it?

Orwell: What the fook! When did you arrive?

Janesmith: Come now, Orwell, you know how shallow the Creative Waters are at the moment.

Orwell: Well inviting the Grey pilgrim here won't help. {{{He's such a bore, Jane}}}.

Grey Pilgrim: That encryption thing is such crap..

Orwell: See! He just doesn't GET it. He doesn't belong here.

Grey Pilgrim: I'll leave then.

(Footsteps on Odo's kitchen floorboard. Door opens. Door closes).

Odo: So - about our Family and Friends Conference in Western Ozhobbitstan...

Frodo: Hey! Is that bathtub full of jelly?

Odo: Before we go any further --- if anyone goes near...

Orwell: Well, putting it in here is only asking for trouble...

Janesmith: True.

Mirabella: Suddenly, I wonder where Pretty is...

Mrs Figg: Oh she sent me in her place, Mirabella.

Mirabella: Oooh... Is that "Chanel" you're wearing, Mrs Figg?

Mrs Figg: Oh indeed. Would you like to come sit with me and have a closer sniff...?

Cirdan: Be careful, Mirabella, the floor by the jelly looks quite slippery.

Orwell: Ha! The Wisdom of the Ages! We don't have enough of that here...

Odo:

Hello? Sorry to intrude Odo old chap but I could have sworn as I was staggering by that I just saw the Grey Pilgrim leaving here- haven't seen him about in ages- was it really him or just the buckie again?
Ooooh, jelly.

Do you always just barge into a Secret Council, Mr Tyrant? And keep your nose out of my jelly... Oh my gawd.. he's fallen in...