Hilarious new Lord of the Rings parody novella e-book: The King of the Crowns! Just 99p / $1.49! Probably worth more!

Dear internet persona,

It is my great pleasure to introduce to you a book which comes around but once in a lifetime. Nay, even that is too frequent; this comes around once every three lifetimes at best (sometimes seven). It is none other than...

The King of the Crowns!

Amazon.co.uk: http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B00KC51ZQG
Amazon.com: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00KC51ZQG

This fantastical parody novella of J R R Tolkein’s ‘The Lord of the Rings’ is now on sale via Amazon for Kindle, for the eyeball-squishingly low price of 99p / $1.49. It’s worth every penny / cent – and probably several more! You’ll get to see all your favourite characters act in bizarre, demented, and hilarious ways. I think there is no better use to which you could put that amount of money, than downloading this book and reading the words and looking at the pictures and chuckling away like the merry little imp that you are. And if you hate it, I mean really hate the blasted book from the bottom of your callous black heart, well... it’s only 99p, isn’t it.

Follow the links above to Amazon to purchase this triumph of a book. Alternatively, continue reading past these simple instructions to feast upon description of the book itself, then click on the links and purchase the book. Alternatively, don’t do either of those things and miss out on the experience of a lifetime. Literally. As in, literally the experience of a lifetime. And you’ll literally miss out on it.

“The dark sorcerer has created a crown of incredible power, and it’s up to Fardo and his band of unwilling accomplices to destroy it. They are guided and goaded by the spider-like Gandalth, who uses magic, and a deadly beard frozen into an ice-spike, to threaten and control them. Along the way they meet the heartbroken Farmer Margut, a deadly half-crazed Ranger, the terrifying Elfron, dancing dwarfs, vicious elves (who whip everyone without mercy), a boss orc, and many more colourful characters. Eyes bulge, doors fly open, and at one point Gandalth runs at Fardo and presses his hairy face close... Midworld seems to come alive before your very eyes as you read the words, some of them very descriptive.

Perhaps most striking of all are the frequent, long, and unexplained silences which occur between the characters and seem to precede almost every conversation. This idea, along with most others, is milked to the last drop... but what sweet nectar!

This rip-roaring parody novella of J R R Tolkein's 'The Lord of the Rings' does not pretend to be the best thing since sliced bread, or even the best thing since 'Kingsmill 50/50’, but even the most hard-hearted reader is sure to laugh at least a few times, and that’s got to be worth something… right?! It's not much to ask for you to buy this really, is it? Go on.”

If that doesn’t sway you into parting with your warm soft digital cash, then probably nothing will.  Except this. Click on the link and just look at the front cover. That front cover alone is probably worth more than the asking price of the entire book. Look at that front cover and tell me you aren’t just a teensy bit intrigued as to what the book is like.
Words to live by: “Don’t delay – buy yours today!”

***Be sure to review the book once you’ve read it, too!***

Many thanks in advance for those brave true warriors amongst you who decide to download the book and devour it like ravenous hedgehogs.
And even if you don’t buy it, thanks for humouring our deranged ramblings and persevering to this point! But curse you for not buying the book! What’s wrong with you?!

All the best,

The authors,
J J Taverner & C J Dylan

Hi there! I acquired a taste for Tolkien parodies after a Hobbit parody I read almost three years ago, so this looks fun I'm afraid I'm not interested at this time, though - I'm currently working my way through the last book in the GoT series, and after that I've got a list of books waiting for me, and there's already a LotR parody on that list. I wish you good luck, though!

Hi Ringdrotten,

Thanks for taking the time to reply to the post. It really means a lot to us when people don't just brush us off as 'spam' and engage with us as people. We're sad that you won't have time to read the book, but you certainly have a lot of reading to be getting on with, and ASOIAF is definitely one of the few books which we'd agree takes precedence over our own little tome.
Keep The King of the Crowns in mind, though - it's a novella and is less than 90 pages, some of those being illustrations. Plus, it's anything but conventionally-written. But enough of the sales patter - whatever you decide to do, take care and stay awesome!

I'll remember your novella when I've read that other parody - it's written by the same author who wrote the TH parody I mentioned, and that one was hilarious from the first page, so I suspect I might be hungry for more when I've read his version of LotR

If you're getting blown off as spam it's probably because your message is written like spam.  I considered you to be spam until you responded to Ringdrotten like a normal person.

I suggest (for your next site) you introduce yourself like a normal person, admit that part of the reason you're on here is to introduce your new book, leave a link but not try to sell it too much.  Instead say something that will leave you open to questions, such as 'it was an interesting experience writing a book like this, since it seems some people on this site have done similar things it would be fun to share' or something like that.

It's more work than a pre-written advertisement, but there's not that many Tolkien sites.  You'd get better reactions so the time would pay off. Everybody has huge spam radars these days, you have to use a more personal approach to bypass them.

Hi halfwise,

It's true that perhaps we have been a bit heavy-handed so far with our advertising. It stems from a fervent desire to get hook people into reading our book, as we believe global domination is right around the corner - but as you rightly point out, if it comes across as spam then that's no good to anyone. We'll definitely have a think about our approach.

P.S. Like the avatar!

Welcome to Forumshire K of C!   

I would second Halfwise advice, and Ringdrotten's words of encouragement and good luck in your endeavour.

If you pop your head into the Creative Corner section of the forum you will find we are no strangers to parody and there are many other styles of writing there, as well as artwork and music.

kingofcrowns wrote:It's true that perhaps we have been a bit heavy-handed so far with our advertising. It stems from a fervent desire to get hook people into reading our book, as we believe global domination is right around the corner - but as you rightly point out, if it comes across as spam then that's no good to anyone. We'll definitely have a think about our approach.

P.S. Like the avatar!

Yep, it's like trying to get a date: if you overdo it, you're done.

My avatar has been the subject of much discussion over the years.  I've never admitted until now that it actually originated in grade school - just a doodle I liked and have never really doodled anything else.  But we now know it's a burrahobbit.  Any learned speculation to it being a furball conclave or a mastadon tuckus is purely apocryphal.

I had always thought you were William Shatners wig which had escaped from the set of T.J. Hooker, saddened and disillusioned by your part in the deaths of all those criminals who TJ chased off the top of a roof, you eventually wandered to Forumshire.