The Daily Purist

KIDNAPPED? but by whom?? was it the Ancient Egyptians?

we HAVE to get him back, Ill pay in eel oil if that helps? that Forumshire musical film festival is better than The Proms and Cannes rolled into one.

Hey! Nothing competes with the Annual Forumshire Awards! Certainly not some trumped up Banks endeavour in the back of beyond!
According to my sources in Pure Publications Odo's long term rivals in everything from mining to jelly, the Gummy Bears are suspected to be responsible.
I supect the Dark Planet myself- Amarie has been very quiet of late on a 'supposed' holiday.

But I agree the place is not the same without the Banks clan to make fun of so I am prompting Pure Publications to run a public awareness campaign to have them returned safely home. Maybe we could swap the rest of them for Odo, that seems a good deal.

Have the kidnappers sent any ransome notes? WHAT DO THEY WANT? we wont be betting bits of Banks in the post will we? you know, the yucky bits!

As far as a Banks is concerned Mrs Figgs all the bits are yucky!
But from what I know Odo is at Her Lady's being tended by Jane with jelly medicines, as he became very ill and stressed at the thought of having to part with any of his money.

Does this mean Orwell was kidnapped too? Er, I mean Go find them, Sheriffs!

Yeah I was thinking about that- Orwell doesn't wear the Banks name- is he a relative or just a friend?

Maybe Orwell is the kidnapper!

Orwell is a friend of the family as far as I know- Odo had booked him as the opening act which is why he got kidnapped with the rest of the Banks. Not sure the kidnappers know he is not a Banks though.

Ally thats a genius suggestion- it could well be (although as Pure Publications sponsor the Annual Forumshire Awards I had suspected Bear Muirdock to be behind it to scupper Odo's ceremony- I hear he got his sponsorship from the Bugle).
But until further information comes to light its all specualtion.

Orwell is suspiciously silent, I dont like it when he's quiet, he's up to summat.

Yeah doing favours for kidnappers- probably cant talk for having his mouth full. Least it stops him singing!

The Bankses' of Forumshire
8 strong, maybe they are all in bed
from Mirabella to Wisey
or maybe they are dead

Mirabella, as pretty as the sky
as pretty as the moon
I wonder if she's crying her grief
by eating nutella from the spoon? (DON'T DO IT GIRL!)

Wisey of course- too clever by half
Words flew down on paper from his quill
He had his enemy's for sure (including me)
but still... (n.b. You're not getting paid if the rest is as bad as this )

Biffo, elegent and pale,
he gazes down on us all
he wanders from East to West
Like Petty after a pub crawl

Ah Odo Odo Odo, I saw him yestreen
Clutchin' birds in his arm
Probably sending out ravens
to make sure his clan suffers no harm! (n.b. Just found out that the ravens were actually from LoveFilm- leave that out he owns the paper )

Andy Murray, Andy Andy Andy
first point with an ace
doesn't read the papers
moves around the court with grace (n.b. What the...You're definitely not getting paid now. Just go home.)

So here we are
our beloved clan a'missing
Will we ever be the same?
Will they ever be the same?

-Poem I found lurking in the Archet's archives- probably written by someone who is now an unemployed fool with far too much time on her hands!

Wisey would be proud and offended at the same time Ally! But Biffo elegant? Are you sure about that?

Hail the Queen of Channelin

that was cool!

Free at last from evil folk -
and sticky at the fingers -
the Honorable Bankses -
our Respectable Right Wingers -

have at last been freed -
thanks be to Righteous Odo Banks
(he even made a profit
and for that he gives thanks!)

"When Channelin' Taps the Community Thought Pool", Princess Kate.

Wisey Banks

Ahh. Ally makes a fine apprentice Channeler but its good to hear from the source!

source! source!
of course! of course!
everyone loves
the original source

eat it on apples
eat it on chips
lick it off ladies
lick lick lick

(it's been done since the beginning,
of course! of course!)


"Psalm 333 - deleted so as not to offend the offendable."

Wisey Banks

ODO's ODE

Oh how glad I am to see
a demure smile
after all my troubles
all my trials!

but how worried i was
about my Decent Family,
Pure Porgy, Sweet Bella,
Biffo the Joyous and Ambly,

and Wisey too
with his distant stare
somewhat vacant
somewhat bare

oh how terribly i felt
at their sticky situation
what with my coffers nigh empty
and high inflation

but i saved them
at great (spiritual) expense
and even though damages
have been sent

i shall not forgive
that Sticky Race
those horrid souls
of sweetened taste

I shall drive them out
of their remaining mines -
run them profitably
and ignore their whines

for it's for the best
the Gummies get squashed
for Eru hates them
these Great Unwashed

sticky sticky
uncouth species -
with lemonade pee
and chocolate faeces

oh how deplorable
they need genociding -
after that a good hobbit
- me! -
will be presiding!


From "The Book of Numerous Gentle Thoughts of A Hobbit Family Head" Joseph Conrad (hidden somewhere sometime, or other)

Wisey Banks

I almost feel sorry for those mining Gummies. Why do I see an upsurge in sales at the Banks Demolition and Black Powder Plant in the very near future?

I do hope far 'nearer' than you suggest. Times are tough for some of us, Mr Tyrant, unless you hadn't noticed!

You dont need to tell me Odo- I've got Her Majesties Buckie Cellar so refill before she gets back. Half-rations I'm on I'll have you know!

Times are tough all round, I see! {{{ }}}

7 people dead on a s.dakota farm