'How The Peej Stole The Hobbit'
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azriel
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'How The Peej Stole The Hobbit'
by bungobaggins Thu Dec 19, 2013 10:53 pm
Narrator: Every citizen of Forumshire liked The Hobbit a lot.
But the Peej, who lived just north of Forumshire, did not.
The Peej hated The Hobbit, the whole goddamn book.
Now, please, don't ask why. It's all gobbledygook.
It could be perhaps that his attention span was too short.
Or it could be that his feet were covered in plantars warts.
But I think that the most likely reason of all,
may have been that his brain was two sizes too small.
But whatever the reason, his brain or his feet,
he stood there on TABA-eve filled with conceit.
Staring down from his cave with a sour Peejy gaze
with the hopes that, soon, this town he would raze.
For he knew every citizen in Forumshire below
was busy now debating his latest tableau.
The Peej: And they're mocking my artistry.
Narrator: He snarled with a sneer.
The Peej: Tomorrow is TABA. It's practically here!
Narrator: Then he growled, with his fat feet nervously treading
The Peej: I must find some way to keep them from reading!
Or tomorrow, I know, all those Forumshire girls and boys
will wake bright and early, my film they'll destroy!
And then… Oh, the noise. Oh, the noise. Noise, noise, noise!
There's one thing I hate. All the noise. Noise, noise, noise!
And they'll yell, argue, and appeal
Telling each other how they feel.
They'll say that it sucks, it's not true to the book.
But I swear it's in the appendices, just take a look!
They'll quote from UT, they'll read from The Sil.
They'll never be satisfied, unlike my TORn shills!
They'll beat their dead horses. They'll raise Cain, like they do!
They'll go on and on, until their faces are blue!
And they'll edit my film, my beautiful work!
Oh, that pettytyrant. I'll get you, you jerk!
Then the all of them will sit down and read.
And they'll read, and they'll read. And they'll read, read, read!
They'll read The Hobbit, no Tauriel or Sauron!
I can't stand it if it's not nine hours long!
And then they'll do something I hate most of all.
Every citizen down in Forumshire, the tall and the small
will stand close together, and join in the crabbit.
They'll stand hand in hand, and make such a racket!
But the Peej, who lived just north of Forumshire, did not.
The Peej hated The Hobbit, the whole goddamn book.
Now, please, don't ask why. It's all gobbledygook.
It could be perhaps that his attention span was too short.
Or it could be that his feet were covered in plantars warts.
But I think that the most likely reason of all,
may have been that his brain was two sizes too small.
But whatever the reason, his brain or his feet,
he stood there on TABA-eve filled with conceit.
Staring down from his cave with a sour Peejy gaze
with the hopes that, soon, this town he would raze.
For he knew every citizen in Forumshire below
was busy now debating his latest tableau.
The Peej: And they're mocking my artistry.
Narrator: He snarled with a sneer.
The Peej: Tomorrow is TABA. It's practically here!
Narrator: Then he growled, with his fat feet nervously treading
The Peej: I must find some way to keep them from reading!
Or tomorrow, I know, all those Forumshire girls and boys
will wake bright and early, my film they'll destroy!
And then… Oh, the noise. Oh, the noise. Noise, noise, noise!
There's one thing I hate. All the noise. Noise, noise, noise!
And they'll yell, argue, and appeal
Telling each other how they feel.
They'll say that it sucks, it's not true to the book.
But I swear it's in the appendices, just take a look!
They'll quote from UT, they'll read from The Sil.
They'll never be satisfied, unlike my TORn shills!
They'll beat their dead horses. They'll raise Cain, like they do!
They'll go on and on, until their faces are blue!
And they'll edit my film, my beautiful work!
Oh, that pettytyrant. I'll get you, you jerk!
Then the all of them will sit down and read.
And they'll read, and they'll read. And they'll read, read, read!
They'll read The Hobbit, no Tauriel or Sauron!
I can't stand it if it's not nine hours long!
And then they'll do something I hate most of all.
Every citizen down in Forumshire, the tall and the small
will stand close together, and join in the crabbit.
They'll stand hand in hand, and make such a racket!
bungobaggins- Eternal Mayor in The Halls of Mandos
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Radaghast- Barrel-rider
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Location : The place where that thing is.
Re: 'How The Peej Stole The Hobbit'
by Bluebottle Thu Dec 19, 2013 11:44 pm
And there's more. 
It's great to see someone take a snippet of ones own inspiration and run with it.
It's great to see someone take a snippet of ones own inspiration and run with it.
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Re: 'How The Peej Stole The Hobbit'
by Tinuviel Fri Dec 20, 2013 12:23 am
Christmas Crabbit!_________________
"I think that many confuse 'applicability' with 'allegory'; but the one resides in the freedom of the reader, and the other in the purposed domination of the author." -JRRT
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Re: 'How The Peej Stole The Hobbit'
by azriel Fri Dec 20, 2013 7:10 am
Loved it Bungo ! Brilliantly done ! 
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"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. It's the job that's never started as takes longest to finish.”
"There are far, far, better things ahead than any we can leave behind"
If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got
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Re: 'How The Peej Stole The Hobbit'
by malickfan Fri Dec 20, 2013 1:54 pm
Brilliant!
_________________
The Thorin: An Unexpected Rewrite December 2012 (I was on the money apparently)
The Tauriel: Desolation of Canon December 2013 (Accurate again!)
The Sod-it! : Battling my Indifference December 2014 (You know what they say, third time's the charm)
Well, that was worth the wait wasn't it
I think what comes out of a pig's rear end is more akin to what Peejers has given us-Azriel 20/9/2014
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Re: 'How The Peej Stole The Hobbit'
by halfwise Fri Dec 20, 2013 2:25 pm
It's mind bending how perfectly it fits and yet what an inversion of the original it is.
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Then it gets complicated...
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Re: 'How The Peej Stole The Hobbit'
by bungobaggins Fri Dec 20, 2013 2:48 pm
To be continued...tonight.
bungobaggins- Eternal Mayor in The Halls of Mandos
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Re: 'How The Peej Stole The Hobbit'
by Ringdrotten Fri Dec 20, 2013 10:46 pm
æææææh, so much to catch up on! 
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Re: 'How The Peej Stole The Hobbit'
by bungobaggins Fri Dec 20, 2013 10:54 pm
The Peej: And they'll read, and they'll read. And they'll read. Read, read, read.
Narrator: And the more the Peej thought of this Forumshire read,
the more the Peej thought:
The Peej: I will make them concede!
Why, for 12 years I've put up with it now.
I must stop these people from thinking! But how?
Narrator: Then he got an idea. An awful idea.
The Peej got a wonderful, awful idea.
The Peej: I know just what to do.
Narrator: The Peej laughed in his throat.
The Peej: I'll make for their town, and they'll watch me gloat!
Narrator: Then he chuckled and clucked.
The Peej: What a great Peejy deed.
With all of my accolades, no more will they read!
♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫
You're a mean one, Mr. Peej.
Your fans are full of zeal.
You're as cuddly as an uruk,
You're as charming as an eel,
Mr. Peej!
You're a bad director with the Coven at heel!
You're a monster, Mr. Peej.
Your heart's an empty hole.
Your brain is full of scat jokes.
You've got nothing in your soul, Mr Peej.
I wouldn't touch you with a
Thirty-nine and a half foot pole!
You're a vile one, Mr. Peej.
You have termites in your smile,
You have all the tender sweetness of a stinky cave troll's bile,
Mr Peej.
Given the choice between the two of you,
I'd take the stinky cave troll's bile!
You're a foul one, Mr. Peej.
You're a nasty, wasty skunk.
Your heart is full of cold hard cash.
Your feet are full of gunk,
Mr Peej!
The three best words that best describe you,
Are as follows, and I quote:
Stink!
Stank!
Stunk!
You're a robber, Mr Peej.
You're the king of sinful sots.
Your hearts a dead tomato squashed with moldy purple spots,
Mr Peej!
Your imagination is an appalling dump heap,
Overflowing with the most disgraceful
Assortment of deplorable rubbish imaginable,
Mangled up in tangled up knots!
You nauseate me, Mr Peej
With excess akin to Brain Dead
You're a crooked jerky jockey and,
You drive a rabbit sled,
Mr Peej!
You're a three-decker sauerkraut
And toadstool sandwich,
On moldy rye bread!
♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫
Narrator: And the more the Peej thought of this Forumshire read,
the more the Peej thought:
The Peej: I will make them concede!
Why, for 12 years I've put up with it now.
I must stop these people from thinking! But how?
Narrator: Then he got an idea. An awful idea.
The Peej got a wonderful, awful idea.
The Peej: I know just what to do.
Narrator: The Peej laughed in his throat.
The Peej: I'll make for their town, and they'll watch me gloat!
Narrator: Then he chuckled and clucked.
The Peej: What a great Peejy deed.
With all of my accolades, no more will they read!
♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫
You're a mean one, Mr. Peej.
Your fans are full of zeal.
You're as cuddly as an uruk,
You're as charming as an eel,
Mr. Peej!
You're a bad director with the Coven at heel!
You're a monster, Mr. Peej.
Your heart's an empty hole.
Your brain is full of scat jokes.
You've got nothing in your soul, Mr Peej.
I wouldn't touch you with a
Thirty-nine and a half foot pole!
You're a vile one, Mr. Peej.
You have termites in your smile,
You have all the tender sweetness of a stinky cave troll's bile,
Mr Peej.
Given the choice between the two of you,
I'd take the stinky cave troll's bile!
You're a foul one, Mr. Peej.
You're a nasty, wasty skunk.
Your heart is full of cold hard cash.
Your feet are full of gunk,
Mr Peej!
The three best words that best describe you,
Are as follows, and I quote:
Stink!
Stank!
Stunk!
You're a robber, Mr Peej.
You're the king of sinful sots.
Your hearts a dead tomato squashed with moldy purple spots,
Mr Peej!
Your imagination is an appalling dump heap,
Overflowing with the most disgraceful
Assortment of deplorable rubbish imaginable,
Mangled up in tangled up knots!
You nauseate me, Mr Peej
With excess akin to Brain Dead
You're a crooked jerky jockey and,
You drive a rabbit sled,
Mr Peej!
You're a three-decker sauerkraut
And toadstool sandwich,
On moldy rye bread!
♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫
bungobaggins- Eternal Mayor in The Halls of Mandos
- Posts : 6384
Join date : 2013-08-24
Re: 'How The Peej Stole The Hobbit'
by halfwise Sat Dec 21, 2013 12:29 am
_________________
Halfwise, son of Halfwit. Brother of Nitwit, son of Halfwit. Half brother of Figwit.
Then it gets complicated...
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- Posts : 20256
Join date : 2012-02-01
Location : rustic broom closet in farthing of Manhattan
Re: 'How The Peej Stole The Hobbit'
by azriel Sat Dec 21, 2013 5:31 am
_________________
"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. It's the job that's never started as takes longest to finish.”
"There are far, far, better things ahead than any we can leave behind"
If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got
azriel- Grumpy cat, rub my tummy, hear me purr
- Posts : 15478
Join date : 2012-10-07
Age : 64
Location : in a galaxy, far,far away, deep in my own imagination.
Re: 'How The Peej Stole The Hobbit'
by Tinuviel Sat Dec 21, 2013 5:40 am
Such a grimy (and accurate) description!!!_________________
"I think that many confuse 'applicability' with 'allegory'; but the one resides in the freedom of the reader, and the other in the purposed domination of the author." -JRRT
Tinuviel- Finest Nose
- Posts : 1937
Join date : 2011-02-15
Age : 28
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