Canthiss and Lydia- a tale of Skyrim

Now I remember where I first heard that name ! (Canthiss) wasnt it in the story with the druid, "Circle of Stone",.....oh goodie ! more fun !

Yup- he was the protector of the Baron. Although this version is him as an idiot (basically Lydia has stolen his character!)

Following Lydia departing to become the Doctors new assistant Canthiss has fallen into a bit of a slump, and a mid life crisis.
To get over it he has got a tattoo, dyed his hair black and decided to get back into the world of Skyrim as the Dragonborn, Hero of the Saga, and to find a new sidekick.

{{{Real reasons for this- after my HD died  I had to reinstall and restart the game, and took the opportunity to do some mod tweaking, particularly climate and lighting, which hopefully these pics will reflect}}


Right. Riften. What a dump!  
Hey, she looks a bit like Lydia!

"Hello there, do you know who i am?....Actually no I am not and as far as I know my mother has never met a frost troll let alone done that with one!"  



"Hey dont walk away to the pub! Im Canthiss, Dragonborn, hero of the Ages! I'll just follow you in you know, youre missing the opportunity of a lifetime, and only a reasonable chance of certain death!"



"Fine be like that, you'll regret it!"
Must be someone else in here that looks worthy of being my side kick.
Oh great, a lizard man and a weirdo in a hoodie  



Right acoording to the barlizard the place for heroes is underneath the town. Of course- a secret HQ of heroes! Perfect.

I dont fecking believe it! Their HQ is inn a sewer! They have tables set out with food. Ugh! Thats minging!  Right best avoid the menu then, and the drink!



Still must be someone here.
Not you though, what the hell thats on your face, you stuck dead badgers on there?



Must be someone here. Not the barman, anyone who can only get a job manning a bar in a sewer is not hero material!
Hello! Theres a couple of potential cuties, um, I mean heroines.
"Hello ladies, ever heard of the Dragonborn?"



Several hours later Canthiss awakes partly naked and robbed in a dark corner of the sewer.

"I hate Riften!"  



And with that cry the Dragonborn abandons Riften with great speed, stopping only to buy new trousers on the way.
Fearlessly he heads into the frozen north in search of his new sidekick and carrier of miscellaneous crap.



Unfortunately the fliers for a sidekick did not lead to productive job interviews.



"Look calm down! Its not racist to put on the flier 'no dragons, trolls or dogs'. Its speciest!"



Failing to find anyone willing to join hi his life threatening quest as Draonborn Canthiss tires of being frozen in the north and attacked by Horkers and returns south to slightly warmer climes.

"Hey whats that over there? A fight?"



"Hey Stormcloaks fighting Imperials. Excellent. All I need do is watch and wait and whoever is left standing can be my new sidekick having proven themselves worthy!"  



"Good fight this. Aha only two left standing now! Which one will be honoured by becoming my new sidekick (I hope its the girl!  )



"I dont fecking believe it! Bloody idiots- theyve only all gone and killed each other. Useless feckers!"



"What was that roar! Ah bugger! Time to do the job I suppose."  



"Hey fellow heroes! A warrior and an elf mage. Great! Ill just wait and see who can defeat the dragon then. That mage is pretty nifty, and cute  "



"That'll be the warriors turn over then"  



"whats that Dragon doing now? Hey! Stupid dragon your shouting at the ground you idiot! Brain the size of a pea you know. Whats that supposed to do then?"



"Oh bugger it!"



"Fine then. Time to impress the elf chick I think into being my sidekick.
Hey elf bird, check this out!"



"Oh shit!"



"Ah surprise! Dragonborn rules!"



"Ok and up we go. Whooa! I love this hero shit. Hey look a me!"



"Right, just like the barmaid in Bruma. Grab the ears and just hold on for dear life!"



"Ah have some Nord steel in your tiny pea brain dragon!"



"And leap off and land looking cool as shit! Oh yeah! I am Canthiss! Dragonborn! Mutha fuckers!"



"Did you see that elf bird? Hey did you just make a really loud whoomp noise right behind me and shake the ground?"

"Ah shit!"



Much dragon slaying later.

"Well how about it elf bird? What? Illia? Yeah whatever. You want to hook up with the greatest legend of our age? What do you mean no?   Fine, how about if I pay you? How much?   Fine!"  



"You know I dont like the look of that sky much? Was that thunder?"  



  "Holy shit!"



"Right thats it, we are getting the hell out of here!
Can you sing Illia? Lydia used to be my chronicle too you see.
Yeah your a replacement, get used to it.
Is it just me or does it seem like someone's trying to aim that lightning?"  




to be continued....

 

I am so challenged, for I don't know what this is all about, but it is humorous and the pictures are amazing.

Not to worry leelee, its not really about anything- I take screenshots as I play the game (Skyrim its from) then I watch them back as a slideshow and see what ludicrous tale I could weave to link them all together, then I bung it here!

Bloody glad you do ! Its funny !  

Thanks Azriel.  

That skooma party last night was pretty sweet, the Jarl is still bathing in Riften's canal, and Hrongar and Farengar are at Sanguine's afterparty.

I thought Id put these up- not a continuation of the tale just for anyone who has Skyrim on pc and is wondering about mods I use.
I recently added a volumetric cloud mod (basically clouds, mist, fog, ect are now actual objects in the game world, not clever backdrops-

The frozen north-









A misty day near Riften-






And a darkly foggy Masquith-



These two shots were taken about half an hour (game time) apart an you can see how a huge thick dark fog has descended-







A shaft of sun penetrates the fog-





The main mods involved in the look here are-

Apachii skyhair, Bandolier Bags and pouches, better dynamic snow, better males, birds of Skyrim, Calientes female body mod, chimneys for Skyrim, cloaks of Skyrim, dynavision depth of field, enchanced lights fx, enchanced night Skyrim, moss rocks, project reality- climates of Tamriel, Real clouds, real ice, realistic lighting overhaul, skyrim floral overhaul, Skyrim HD Textures, Towns and villages enchanced, Water redux, wet and cold, and Winteris Coming.

Those are the main ones affecting the look of the game.
In terms of altering gameplay I would also highly recommend Frostfall- Hypothermia Camping Survival- which really changes how you play as you have to think long and hard if that shortcut over the mountains is worth it, or if you will just freeze to death when night comes if you are still up there- it makes gathering firewood have a real point! And choice of clothing important- that magical super tough armour might be good in a fight but no good compared to a pair of fur boots and a fur jerkin and cloak at keeping the cold out. It forces decisions on you and to take the landscape itself into consideration when planning journeys.
I also recommend joining the Skyrim Nexus and using their free mod manager to install everything painlessly. And downloading BOSS to sort out the load order of mods for you to minimise clashes and system crashes.

this thread takes forever to load and is a bitch scroll.

Sorry Norc- its because the pics are captured at the resolution Im running the game at- and if I shrink them down they lose a lot of fine detail.
Look on the bright side- once its loaded once any time you go back it will be there instantly.

no.

Its quite an amusing tale. Might be worth it. Just open the page in a tab and leave it to load while you browse elsewhere.

meeh.. maybe,

Ok Illia- we need to head north. Why? Because Im the frigging Dragonborn and I say we do, ok?  
Hey look a Minotaur- these guys are really dangerous, I'll take both of us to deal with this. You ready?



Any time you like Illia- get zapping! Now would be a very good time! Illia!!



Run! Run away! Why didn't you use our magic?
What do you mean you've never killed anything before?
What kind of a bloody wizard are you?
Childrens parties!  



ROAR!

What was that? Oh shit!



Oh Talos! A frost dragon! Illia time to learn to kill! Quickly.
Arggh cold, cold cold!



Well at least that takes care of the Minotaur- when it comes back I want to see some magic from you- chuck a fireball at it or something for Talos sake.



Ok Illia, Ive got it distracted for you!  



Crackle- Whoooomph!

Holy crap! Um ok, yeah that was good...



Several days march later into the cold north-



Hey dont practice on Horkers Illia- firstly they are harmless, and secondly they are pack animals- attack one they all come after you.
Yes ok this ones on its own but still.



Ah crap.



Much innocent Horker slaughter later Canthiss and Illia decide to set up camp for the night.
Next morning-

Fuck sake! Did you stay up all night killing stuff?



Come on, lets get going. And try not to kill anything on the way unless I say so.

Crackle fizzz

What did I just say to you?  



You know I think you might have a problem.  



Hey look- that looks interesting- and there's a hut and some people, we can ask them for directions.



crackle whoomp

What are you doing? Oh bugger!



You definitely have a problem you know.  



Hey look an entrance- maybe there is someone in there I can talk to and get directions from- DONT kill anyone- got that Illia?



Hey look there's a lass over there and some other folks- great we can ask them.

Whooomph!

What the fuck! You blew her head off!



Ok- we really need to have a chat about this.  

Great concept and a lot of fun...given the time to load and read. But I'd like some better shots of Lydia: all seem to be murky.

 

I'd like some better shots of Lydia- Halfwise

Lydia or Illia?

Here's one of each-

Lydia



Illia

Having slaughtered everyone inside Canthiss and Illia return back outside to make camp for the night.

Look at that view Illia, lovely, well apart from the snow and stuff and being cold enough to freeze the bollocks of a brass monkey.
Why dont you try enjoying the view and you know, less psychotic killing everything for a bit. How about that?



We can have a nice, peaceful, night. Ive even got us a lovely mushroom stew on the go. So just relax.




Mmm, do these mushrooms taste a bit, odd, to you Illia?
My head feels a bit, weird.  
Whoooa!  



Trippy visuals! Are you getting this too Illia?  
Remind me never again to pick mushrooms in a world full of magic!



Aaggh!  Bad trip! Bad trip!



Its going to eat me!!!   Wow bendy time! My head is so high!




What the?! Illia, I dont think we are in Skyrim anymore!



Whatever you do- dont eat those mushrooms!
Come on lets go, over there.




"ANSWER MY RIDDLES!"

Did that wall just talk to me? It bloody did too didnt it?

"RIDDLE ONE."

No, no. I hate fucking riddles, not my strong point. Illia, do your thing- answer the talking walls riddle with severe prejudice.




I've never seen someone hack their way through a huge face before- sadly I dont think I will forget it in a hurry either, especially on long dark nights.

Lets just see whats in here shall we.

 

Hey can you hear a sort of hissing- like a pot of water boiling on a fire?

HISS-CLANK

I definitely heard that- what goes hiss clank?

Ah bugger.  

 

Having inadvertently ate magic mushrooms, in a magical world, Canthiss and Illia find themselves transported somewhere a bit, trippy.
And now find themselves confronted with a clockwork warrior armed with a very large hammer!

Any time you like Illia! No, really, bit of  a big fellow this one, some help would be appreciated! ILLIA!  



Hah! Take that you clockwork wanker! Oh Yeah! Dragonborn Rocks!  



OK Illia. Whats going on here?   Every time I turn my back you slaughter everyone in the room, when I need your help, nothing.  
What?
Well obviously its hard not to admire my skills.    I can see that, I mean you are female and I am the Dragonborn, Hero of the Age, fantastically handsome, muscle bound and of course modest in my greatness.  

Hey! What with these lights?    This place just keeps getting trippier.  



Look, there's a button over there. Always press buttons Illia, note that well, important adventuring tip that.  
 You bastard! Well don't just stand there, help me woman!



Ouch that really smarts! Well at least it seems to have done something. Either that or I'm getting a second hit of mushroom.



Hey look that box has opened! And its got a hot chick in it.  
What do you mean she's a vampire. That's not a coffin, its, a box.



Look she is not a vampire, she's a hot goth in a box and she needs my, our, help.
I mean what about this place makes you think she is a vampire?



What gargoyles? What gargoyle behind me?
Ah, that gargoyle.  




OK, lets do this. And by that I mean this time you better bloody do something, got it?



Oww, two ice spikes through the groin!  Well at least your helping now.



Really, I didnt know you hated vampires quite so much. Well no I never asked, but I mean come on, there's been me to talk about.
But she, is not a vampire. Got that. No blowing her head when I'm not looking!  
Lets just get out of here.



Would you two stop arguing.    The Lady says she cant remember what happened to her, and she is not a bloody vampire Illia.
By Talos, all she wants is for us to take her to the only thing she can remember, which is her house. Not very vampire that is it?
So quit grumbling, and don't think I haven't seen your fingers twitching, no killing! Got it?



Nearly there.
Oh give it up Illia, she is not a vampire!   
Does this even look like the sort of place vampires would live.
Ok, but that's only because its night. Its probably lovely during the day.



This is your house? Um, impressive.  
Um, yeah, we'd love to come for an ale.  
What do you mean your staying here Illia?  
You are my Housecarl  and you'll do what I say.
She is not a vampire, she just lives in a spooky old castle.
This is Skyrim, there's loads of old castles everywhere.



Inside the castle.

Oh, your just going to change. You now I don't think I caught your name, in case you haven't heard me mention it several hundred times on our way here I'm Canthiss, Dragonborn, Hero of the Age.
Oh crap, that sort of change.    Run!  



Ok, OK, don't look so bloody smug Illia, so she was a vampire.  

 Liking this.

Thanks Amarie.
Although its ruining my game as when something supposedly serious happens all Im thinking about is ways to make it extremely silly on here.  

Im finding it great fun also !