Agent Nora and the Mysterious Herring Murders

Agent Nora yawned and flipped over the pages of Police Proceedure weekly, it was expected of newbies to look busy at all times, otherwise the Super would invent something pleasant to fill the time, something like going down to the Svalfart Docks to scrape drunken sailors off the pavement. Agent Nora was in his bad books, she could see it in his bloodshot eyes that he had not forgiven her for THE INCIDENT, of six months ago, and THE GIGGLING INCIDENT of three months ago.
The Super was a big bear of a man, almost as tall as he was wide, and he had a wife that was as wide as she was tall, Gerty was fond of wearing big mink coats. One day Gerty had come to the Station to see her spouse and had gone to the kitchen to make him a tasty treat. It wasnt Agent Noras fault then, that entering the kitchen she saw what looked like a huge furry grizzly bear bent over, snuffling round the fridge.
Protocoll said on meeting wild bears you either ran or made a loud noise, so Nora being resorceful had smashed two pans together and shouted at the top of her voice, " AAAArrrrgh big fat bear, back to the forest with you" . The Super was not impressed.
Three months later, Gerty had come back to drop some sandwiches off to the Super, and Agent Nora had happened to be on duty in the Reception, it all started with a twitch of the lips, and a rising hysterical laugh deep inside, that could not, would not be crushed, a low snicker was quickly followed by a rising howl of laughter that echoed round the station like some demented drunken reverberation. Gerty stood there as tears of laughter, and hysterical sobbing giggles slowly subsided into real crying as Nora gathered her senses, and realized the shit had really hit the fan.

I was wondering if anyone would actually make that spin-off series! I love it!

Nora stood up and yawned and looked out of the window, it was snowing again, but Agent Nora had been brought up in the mountains of Vikingsillyblad, so all things snowy were interesting, they even had 500 words for variations of falling over on your ass on the ice. her erstwhile partner Biffo stuck his round head round the corner and grunted "you go, ded fisk, now", although technically her partner, Nora was a maverick and always dodged Biffo when she could, plus the man grunted and smelt of prawns.
Arriving at the Docks she saw the pathologist Orwellian Shrimplegs, she got on well with him although some of his jokes were of a dark and cynical nature, probably the job she mused.
"wot we got Orwells?" she said, noting three well dead figures lined up in a sitting position, with what looked suspiciously like herrings poking out of their mouths.
" I cod not say", laughed Orwell,(he liked his little fish related jokes).
"Haddock you looked at them yet?" she replied, it was always better to go along with it, as pathologists were notoriously mardy.
"well It looks sealy like murder", he said, but until I have done the report I cant say".
Well it did look odd, even by Svalfart standards of oddness.

Svalfart Station was there principally to patrol and investigate the fish docks and the shipping that was the only industry for 2000 miles in any direction. Agent Nora dreamed of promotion to one of the stations in the nearest big city, Kipperstinkstan-on-sea, So any unusual or difficult cases were jumped on by Agent Nora, she longed for her own patrol car and handcuffs. This new case of the three murders was right up her alley.
Biffo wandered in and stood by her desk looking more like Pete Marsh the Bog Body than usual. He looked shifty and yet embarrased at the same time.
"fisk gobs me too?", he mumbled, Nora realized with irritation that that meant he wanted to help her with the investigations.
"oh alright then", she said sniffily, but dont you dare eat prawns in the squad car, it makes me heave".
Biffo grinned and got his coat.

Thanks Eldo you inspired this spin off series, hope you like it.

Later that day in the canteen, Nora mused sourly that being a maverick was sometimes not all it was cracked up to be. She wasnt popular with the other female officers, Wpc Tin, and Wpc Kafria, they tended to avoid her and were often found laughing and giggling together talking about the handsome and marriage-shy DI Eldo, and Chief Inspector Petty the dark and brooding officer who scared the bejaisus out of all newbies with his tales of doom, weeer all doooomed.
Noras investigations had concluded badly, the sailors being generally a suspicious and foul smelling bunch. down wind was particularly unpleasant, so she sent Biffo in as wing man, as he could have stunned an elephant seal with the pong coming from his trousers.
Nobody knew anything, or wasnt prepared to say anything about the weird deaths, so Nora decided another train of enquiry would be in order, she would go to Mrs Figgs emporium that night, as if anyone knew any unsavory information, it would have filtered down to that den of iniquity before long.

This is too funny! Go Nora!

The lights of Mrs Figgs emporium glowed red on the snow outside, and strange noises and whoops could be heard as Nora quietly opened the door. The spectacle that met her eyes, set her reeling back on her heels, and not knowing whether to laugh or scream, Nora sat down with a thump, at the nearest table.
it was a good job she had gone in disguise she thought, as the repercussions of what she was witnessing were grave indeed if discovered.
Before her stunned gaze were DI Petty and Eldo, dressed as Penguins, chasing each other and giggling like little girlies, gone was the normally taciturn and stern DI Petty, and a lighter hearted and frankly silly penguin had taken his place. The Bartend, Chris, leant on the bar and survayed the scene with a comfortable smile of acceptance on his cherubic face. Other patrons Nora could make out in the smoky gloom, yes there was the Super dressed like a frog, and Oh Horrors Orwellian dressed as a kangaroo, there was WPC Amarie dressed as a Valkyrie with a big horned helmet, and WPC LeeLee dressed like Galadriel, and WPC Ally, the Welsh lass was dressed like a Red Dragon.
wowzer thought Nora, this is serious shit.

No wonder this version of DI Eldo is marriage-shy. I'll say, Alternate-Alternate Forumshire is an even stranger place than Alternate Forumshire. This is great though, I'd love to see more!

Don't know why you said "dressed as a valkyrie", I AM a valkyrie!

And I didn't think Forumshiran writing could get any quirkier! You prove yourself a true Bree-lander, Mrs Figg, if your style is an indicator - queer it is, I say, very queer --- looooove it!

Something Raymond Chandlerish about your style somehow, though not a copy by a long shot. I detect a hint of the (Forumshiran) Anon Author and the (Alternate Forumshiran) DI Eldo here, if only to tease those writers and their styles and ideas without remorse but with plenty of cheeky glee! And did I detect irony once ot twice! And in Forumshire!

Mrs Figg, no doubt Eldo will be feeling very very threatened and insecure right now... very very threatened.



{{{Note to Self: Oh gawd - talk about things going from bad to worse. I thought the mere appearance of the Ecclestone Doctor would have sent Eldo running with his tail between his legs - but instead I find a new 'voice' come out on the pitch to play! A fascinating, a funny, a hilarious 'voice' at that! It's just NOT fair.... }}}

Amarië wrote:Don't know why you said "dressed as a valkyrie", I AM a valkyrie!

I kind of had a different mental picture of you, Amarie...

Cheers Orwellian, I hope the Pleez proceedure is not too off the mark!

Orwell wrote:Mrs Figg, no doubt Eldo will be feeling very very threatened and insecure right now... very very threatened.

I'm actually quite flattered that my writing inspired a spin-off. I enjoy reading this very much! It's tone is humorous and unique (quirky, as you put it) and it takes enough liberties with the characters {{{ quite a few liberties, I might add, when it comes to penguins }}} to stand on its own both as a homage and a new and distinctive addition to the Forumshire literary scene. I see plenty of room for all versions of the Forumshiran Multiverse.

Mrs Figg wrote:Cheers Orwellian, I hope the Pleez proceedure is not too off the mark!

Surprisingly accurate --- at least of Forumshiran Police. The partying sure sounds more than familiar.

{{{

[quote="Eldorion"]

Orwell wrote:I see plenty of room for all versions of the Forumshiran Multiverse.

Eldo, I see only room for One version of the Forumshiran Multiverse! }}}

Orwell wrote:

Amarië wrote:Don't know why you said "dressed as a valkyrie", I AM a valkyrie!

I kind of had a different mental picture of you, Amarie...

Really? Oh, you though I was a brunette, right? Well I am, that's just a wig. T'was a special occasion.
{{{}}}

Nora braced herself and went to the bar to order a drink, Mrs Figg sat there doing the books, her Strawberry blonde hair glinting in the light (unkind people say its ginger, but everyone knows neon light is a bitch), anyway, Nora wanted to ask her about the murders, but didnt want to get Mrs figgs back up, as she was notoriously huffy, and somewhat crabby with customers, but that might have been due to the back problems she was plagued with. Mrs Figg knew everyone and everything that happened in Svalfart.
Mrs Figg however suggested that Nora try the local Lore Master of the town, a certain Elthir, who was a mysterious and shadowy figure, his cottage was on the windy outskirts of the town, down a shady damp pine tree lined track. The Sea roared in Noras ears and seagulls cried overhead, sometimes dropping little presents on the back of her regulation jacket.
Elthir opened the door an inch or too, suspicious but wise eyes peered at her. "Are you the Lore Master?" quavered Nora. "Yeeeeeessss", said Elthir, "Come In its bloody knuckle freezin". Once inside Nora noticed that the cottage was full of books, and when I say full I mean up to the gusset full. They were overflowing and stacked in every corner, Table, chairs, some were perched on top of a sleeping Spaniel in front of the seaweed fire. "erm its about these murders, I was wondering if you had heard anything, any clue to what could have happened?" said Nora nervously. All she got as a reply was a Mona Lisa smile (even though Elthir was probably a bloke), and the cryptic words. "Look to the frost". Nora thanked Elthir and made a hasty retreat to the Station.

You idiot!

Orwell wrote:You idiot!

"Look to the Frost", what the blinkin heck was that all about thought Nora mullishly, scraping seagull poop off her hat. Biffo had just rolled his eyes and chewed a shrimp. "well you are neither use nor ornament are you", said Nora, "But I am going to solve these murders, oh yes I am, just see if I dont".
The next day Nora went to see the pathologist in the hopes of getting a break, or at least some fish related humour. Orwellian plopped the eyeballs down on the steel counter and said deadpan, "nice to see you, to see you nice", he really did have a finely tuned sense of the macabre. "well young Nora, what can I do you for, today?, he said, in a fatherly but sometimes 1950s sitcom Head of the Household way. "I was wondering what gives with the stiffs?" she watched far too much C.S.I Miami, but this lot would never know the difference she thought.
"well the stiffs are getting stiffer by the minute, indeed they could win the stiffest stiff competition" chortled Orwellian. (I told you his humour was dodgy). Nora sighed, "But how they get stiff?" "Did they have the herring related mis en scene, before or after being deaded'" she asked.
"I would say after, but that would be weird", he said helpfully. "weird indeed, weird, weirder, weirdest" mumbled Nora.

HAHAHAHAHA!! LOVE IT!
I have my own spin off series (mission complete xD)
no, seriously, this is great! and the humour! SPLENDID!!

After a week of fruitless and frustrating investigation, Nora had decided to think outside the box, and attack the silence and oscar winning character actor shakes of the head, with sneekyness. She had seen Farmer David one day at the weekly eel market and decided to ask him a few pointed questions, in the hopes of rooting out something tasty. In Farmer Davids case this was normally mostly under his fingernails, as he found cleanlyness an alien and abstract concept, only applicable to brain surgeons and tarts (Jam). Farmer David was a local character, no nonsense and blunt, but gentle with baby animals and kittens, until he got hungry.
Farmer David told Nora that the "Look to the frost", clue was probably a Red Herring, as it had been Blue Herrings that had been stuffed in the mouths of the unfortunate deaded. He invited Nora to his farm for some hot pies and buns, but Nora declined, as he was famous for his Crow Omelettes and chicken foot soup. You never knew what you would get in a mouthful.
Walking home after the market Nora noticed Mr Halfwise staggering up the road, being ever the helpful plod Nora asked what was up, a veritable steam of coffee fumes assaulted her nostril hairs as she stood next to him, and a lopsided smile told her that "someone" had overdone it at Starbucks again.
Well I am not going to get any sense out of him for a while she thought, so left him muttering about kittenzzz, and tittering to himself.

You crack me up, Mrs Figg. (Idiot!)