Just silliness

I thought I'd post some of my light-hearted... well, I guess you could call them spoofs. Middle-earth related stuff.

Anyway, I hope you like it.

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From: iluvelves@valinor.ul.
To: gorthaurthecruel@angband.me
Subject: Itinerary

Have taken slight detour through Avathar after slight misunderstanding with Tulkas. Says I lied to Fëanor about him and elf believed me. Obviously not case. Fëanor never believes anything I say. This may delay my arrival for a few centuries. Am looking up old friend while Tulkas settles down.

Melkor


From: arisinginmight@angband.me
To: gorthaurthecruel@angband.me
Cc: gothmog@angband.me
Subject: Help

Am being attacked by giant spider. Can not find bug spray. Please send detachment of balrogs with bug spray and flyswatters.

Melkor

P.S. Changed e-mail address. Former one too sissy. New one is arisinginmight@angband.me


From: morgoththeblack@angband.me
To: gorthaurthecruel@angband.me
Cc: gothmog@angband.me; commanderoforqui@angband.me; uglywargstablemaster@angband.me
Subject: Information

Please forward to all your troops.

1. Whoever sent Fëanor my e-mail address is warg chow. Whoever reports him gets to feed him to the wargs and a promotion.

2. Whoever taught Fëanor the language he used in recent e-mail also gets promotion. Extra bonus and a free warg if he can send me more of the same. I thought I knew every curse in Elvish, Ainurish and Gibberish until I read that one.

3. Please send a reconnaissance task force to Losgar. If Ulmo’s smoking, take a few candid shots and post some ‘no smoking’ signs. If it’s Fëanor, round up a few hundred thousand orcs and tell him to go back to Valinor. Be polite but firm.

4. New e-mail address is morgoththeblack@angband.me. This is not to be given to Fëanor. Or his friends. Or his family. Or his acquaintances. If they claim to be his enemies, make sure they’re telling the truth.

Morgoth (formerly Melkor)

P.S. (Do not forward) How do you like my new name, Gorthaur? I think "Morgoth" has a nice ring to it.

And the responses:

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From: gorthaurthecruel@angband.me
To: iluvelves@valinor.ul
Subject: Re: Itinerary

Enjoy visit with old friend. Return soon - Angband isn't same w/o you. Hope Tulkas settles down soon. Most annoying fellow, laughs too much.

No one to torture or kill but orcs. Am bored.

Gorthaur

P.S. May I kill Gothmog? Stupid balrog gets on nerves. Thinks deep, dark caves are nice. Deep, dark caves boring, not nice.


From: gorthaurthecruel@angband.me
To: arisinginmight@angband.me
Subject: Re: Help

Will send balrogs with pleasure. Should be put to use. Fighting giant spider good use, especially if spider is poisonous. Will mission be fatal? If yes, may I come watch?

Gorthaur


From: sauronthefoul@angband.me
To: morgoththeblack@angband.me
Subject: Re: Information

1. Fëanor's email: Intelligence reports that stupid orc named Tim forwarded stupid e-mail about flowers and butterflies to everyone on mailing list. Sent e-mail to you and Fëanor at same time. Did not use space for "undisclosed recipients". Has been dealt with appropriately.

2. Fëanor's language: Am guilty. Snuck into Taniquetil one day, got Manwë drunk, and listened to result when he realized who I was. Fëanor overheard. Do not know what he said in e-mail; may have not used everything he learned. I might have more.

3. Smoke @ Losgar: Sent task force to Losgar. Smoke caused by Fëanor burning ships. Reason unknown; perfectly good ships, the weather wasn't cold, and no marshmallows to toast (Maedhros seems to have left them with Fingon as parting gift). Asked Fëanor to return to Valinor, but he wanted to argue. Orcs hate arguing; all decided to go home when argument turned ugly. Suggest that balrogs be sent to argue; they like debate. I won't complain if debate proves fatal.

4. New name: Love it. Changing name good idea. Am changing mine to Sauron. Will not let orcs use it, though; may promote disrespect in the ranks. Set up new e-mail account; old one will be used for communication with the rank-and-file. New one is sauronthefoul@angband.me.

Sauron (formerly Gorthaur)

Good work, Baingil Very different from other spoofs as you call them (reminds me a bit about those diaries on youtube, though). I like them, post more if you got

Ringdrotten wrote:Good work, Baingil Very different from other spoofs as you call them (reminds me a bit about those diaries on youtube, though). I like them, post more if you got

I have some more around here somewhere, I'll go ahead and dig them up.

And yeah, I've been told that these sound rather like those diaries. Mine are more family friendly, though, I'd think.

I know I saw some of those before, but I'm not sure if I've ever seen them all at once. I like 'em.

Silly billys....

Another one.

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From: fingolfinthevaliant@araman.ul
To: finarfinoftuna@valinor.ul
Subject: Fëanor Stinks

Just sent off nasty piece of hate-mail to Fëanor. Left us in Araman. Would be fine, but he took ships with him. Will kill him next time I see him. Tell Mandos to prepare suitable accommodations.

At least he left all the marshmallows. Fingon thinks Maedhros responsible.

Fingolfin


From: fingolfinthecold@helcaraxe.ul
To: finarfinoftuna@valinor.ul
Subject: Brrrrrrrrrrr

Helcaraxë very cold. Am thinking of sending Fëanor on nice little vacation here before I kill him.

Am trying to find out about mail service here. No inhabitants but penguins. Penguins don’t know what post office is. Will stop at next post office and send for favorite quilt that I left at home.

On second thought, penguin feathers might make good parka.

Fingolfin


From: fingolfinthevaliant@mithrim.me
To: finarfinoftuna@valinor.ul
Cc: lordofbreathofarda@valimar.ul; ladyofstars@valimar.ul; lordofwaters@valimar.ul; friendofnoldor@valimar.ul; giveroffruits@valimar.ul; lordofforests@valimar.ul; everyoung@valimar.ul; housesofdead@valimar.ul; theweaver@valimar.ul; masterofdreams@valimar.ul; healerofhurts@valimar.ul; thevaliant@valimar.ul; sisteroforome@valimar.ul; theweeper@valimar.ul
Subject: Thank You, Valimar

New, shiny object in sky very nice. Very warm. Tell whoever is responsible thanks. Made arrival in ME very spectacular; orcs ran like mice.

Didn't know what orcs were until they were gone, but still ran like mice.

Also, am sorry Fëanor is dead. Wanted to kill him myself.

Fingolfin

P.S. Fëanor not so bad, when I think about it. Tell him I’m sorry for calling him what I did. (Would explain exact phrase I am sorry for, but ladies are receiving this e-mail, too. Fëanor can figure it out himself.)

More e-mails.

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Just a note before I begin, on why Thingol would be e-mailing Melian:

It’s hard being a king. Everyone likes to listen in to your conversations. So, of course, e-mail is a good way to communicate without the sharp elven-ears around the palace overhearing…

From: fatherofluthien@menegroth.me
To: melianthemaia@menegroth.me
Subject: Noisy In-law

Beloved Melian,

Loud yell to north. Sounds like Maia or Vala. Wish to know which one of the in-laws it is. Powerful set of lungs.

If in-law wishes to yell at me, request that he do so from distance. Great distance. Very great distance. Preferably from other side of Valinor.

Please tell in-law that, if he wishes to retain my royal favor, he will please keep his voice down within 1,000 miles of Beleriand.

Your loving (and deafened) husband,

Thingol


From: fatherofluthien@menegroth.me
To: melianthemaia@menegroth.me
Subject: Black Sheep

Beloved Melian,

Don’t care that Melkor is black sheep of family, but do care about few million orcs sent by said black sheep. Also care about infestation by giant spider on northern borders. Tell Black Sheep to keep orcs - and spiders - to self.

Also inform him that Thangorodrim so tacky. Towers so last millennium; current fashion caves.

Your loving (and annoyed) husband,

Thingol


From: fatherofluthien@menegroth.me
To: melianthemaia@menegroth.me
Subject: Will You, Please, Darling?

Dearest, Beloved, Darling Melian,

Orcs so troublesome. Very annoying. Very ugly. Have killed several friends of ours. Have been so busy fighting orcs, have not had time to visit barber in three days.

Hate orcs.

Darling, you are so very powerful. Please, can you find some orc repellent? Or invent some? That works? For millennia? And is weatherproof? Enough to go all the way around Neldoreth and Region? That also repels fleas, ticks, mosquitoes, lice, giant spiders, humans, unwanted visitors, unwanted in-laws, and any other unwanted people, animals, or Ainur who try to enter our kingdom?

Your loving ( and unkempt and irritated and unhappy) husband,

Thingol

Apparently Melian doesn't check her e-mail very often.

Oh, she does, her responses are next.

I'm looking forward to them!

"At least he left all the marshmallows."- this made me giggle, a lot. PLease try not to do that to me again Baingil- at least not without a warning. Been meaning to read these for a while but something else always came up- very glad I found the time. Keep 'em coming Baingil.

Glad you like 'em, Petty!

Melian's responses to Thingol. May contain humorous parts.

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From: melianthemaia@menegroth.me
To: fatherofluthien@menegroth.me
Subject: Re: Noisy In-law

Darling Thingy,

Don’t worry your pretty little royal head about yell. Came from Melkor. Only yells like that when doesn’t get his way. Rather naughty sometimes, but his mother’s darling. We call him black sheep of family. Can be really funny; likes to play. Favorite game is “Take Over the World.”

Will send e-mail.

Your adoring wife,

Melly


From: MAILER-BALROG@menegroth.me
To: melianthemaia@menegroth.me
Subject: failure notice

We were unable to deliver your message to the following address:

iluvelves@valinor.ul

--- Original Message ---

From: melianthemaia@menegroth.me
To: iluvelves@valinor.ul
Subject: Welcome Back!

Dear Melky,

Heard you were in the area! Just wanted to say hello. How are you? My darling Thingy sends his greetings.

Heard you’re moving back to Angband. Am great at housewarming parties. How about one with nice little pink bunny theme? Free of charge for members of Ainur; terms and conditions may apply. See www.royalparties.me.

Lots of love,

Melly

P.S. Thingy has rather sensitive hearing; troubled by your shouting. Requests that you keep voice down.


From: melianthemaia@menegroth.me
To: fatherofluthien@menegroth.me
Subject: Re: Black Sheep

Darling Thingy,

Oh, is naughty little Melky playing with orcs and spiders again? Would tell him what you said, but seem to have misplaced e-mail address, and don’t like bothering dearest Yavy over such a little matter.

Why don’t you go tell orcs to leave? If you bring an army or two, they’ll probably listen. Remember, talk softly and carry a big sword.

Your adoring wife,

Melly

P.S. Thangorodrim retro, not tacky! Darling, you really MUST learn to understand fashion.


From: melianthemaia@menegroth.me
To: fatherofluthien@menegroth.me
Subject: Re: Will You Please, Darling?

Darling Thingy,

Last letter so very sweet! Really love how you call me such charming names.

Come back home, honey; have invented new and really great girdle. Think you’ll like it.

No, not that type of girdle. A girdle of magic orc repellant around Neldoreth and Region. Works great. Repels everything you said, except strong-willed young men with great doom upon them. Am still working on this problem.

Otherwise, works great.

Your adoring wife,

Melly

"May contain humorous parts."

I appreciate the warning- and was true too. "Repels everything you said, except strong-willed young men with great doom upon them." Wonderful!

"MAILER-BALROG"

Love these!

"Repels everything you said, except strong-willed young men with great doom upon them."
Why, yes! That's true!!! See, had I have known my folks had secret email addresses, I'd have TOTALLY hacked one of them!!

Hehe, I have my secrets.

"I'd have TOTALLY hacked one of them!!"- Tin

What is Royalty coming to these days?

Even princesses are allowed their rebellious teenage phases, Petty.

Wonder how long an immortal elf's teenage years last for? What was the equivelent in human years again to one elf year? (Need Lore)

Too long.

Ooh just because your off on hooliday you think you can get out of Lore Master duties. Elthir will be stealing your award with this sort of unprofessional laxness. I mean what do you expect me to do now? Go look it up myself?

Well for me, it never ends

Having more or less successfully passed my teenage years half a life time ago I can't say the thought of them lasting eternally is very appealing- but an eternal twenties- now your talking.