Critics review 'The Battle of the Five Armies'

Eldorion wrote:Why on earth would you quote a post that long just to add a paragraph at the bottom of it? My finger almost fell off scrolling past it on my phone.

Good question Does look kinda odd looking at the post...

 Petty wowzer!. That gets my vote as the 'Best post of the Year'.

You may drown your sorrow in the latest shipment of buckie from Valinor! - Tin

Thanks Yer Maj, but erm, I may have drunk that already, before I saw it. And some of the buckie in your cellars.....

it's funny that you posted this in the "critics" thread instead of where the others have posted their responses Petty.- Forest

I hope you are not suggesting the NotP isn't a proper official newspaper Forest?

but that review was both epic and thorough.- Bagger

Thanks Bagger. And welcome to Forumshire

How did you manage to keep yourself collected enough to write that ? {{{ how drunk did you need to get ?}}}- Azriel

Very, very drunk indeed.    

'I'm surprised you can recollect things in such painfully detail'- Malick

Its more of a curse in this case Malick   I notice I did forget some things- Legolas' mummy complex and Thranduils ridiculous laugh out loud nudge, nudge, wink wink mention of Strider.

That gets my vote as the 'Best post of the Year'. - Figg

Thanks Figg. It a bit over long admittedly, but as it will (hopefully) be the last time I ever review a PJ ME film I thought it was worth going to town on.

That's a pretty impressive and comprehensive review, Petty.  Might be the best I've read so far (and that's counting all of them), and I'm with you for most of it. One or two points might be a bit unfair as the criticism would be the same for the book. And interestingly you didn't note something that did bug me a bit. Thoroughly well done though.

I'll see if I can get some of my thoughts down tomorrow.

I am curious Blue- which bits do you think apply also to the book?
And what did I miss- I was very drunk you know!

I think I'll try to formulate my thoughts tomorrow, or I might fall asleep typing.

Great job though, that's my primary message.

half in the baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

http://redlettermedia.com/half-in-the-bag-the-hobbit-the-battle-of-the-five-armies/

It seems they too feel the 'meh'

meh sums it up

Maybe I should change my signature, it seems all of us were battling our indifference...

Hey I resent that! I'm bloody furious!!!

Petty, please tell me that you posted this review in TORN.

The Battle of the Crappy Army, thats what it SHOULD be called ! I thought this last film was tired & worn out, much like myself. It felt like its proved to be a case of 'Bitten more than you could chew'. It felt lazy. Not worthy of a grand Finale at all. My first beef is the ruination of Tolkiens dialogue. A lot of what I heard was rehashes from LOTRs, nothing original. Then we get 2 words Im dam sure I havent seen written by Tolkien ? 'bastard' & 'buggers', oh very nice. Im sure a child in Tolkiens day would love that ! (like he said that to his kids) All of the spoken word was utter dross, Fili uttering "You make me feel alive" as he gazes into Tauriels eyes, ( oh yeah, not for much longer buddy !) Bard is a mixture of replacement Aragorn morphed with Legolas, The fight sequences were not unlike some from LOTRs, was it TOO much trouble to organize a decent fight scene ? after all peejers, you do have CGI Bored already were you cuz I certainly was ! There were too many set pieces with no flow or connection between one act to another. Bilbo stating of Thorins 1 day exposure to gold, "He barely eats, hardly sleeps" has been heard before, ( Sam to Frodo ) And the ludicrous scene with 'She-Ra' Galadriel ! carrying a prostrate Gandalf ! How could it get any worse ?...... EASY ! More rubbish flowing out of the mouths of key characters, " you should have stayed dead " ? from Elrond. Yeah ? well, you should have known when to quit peejers ! This film was advertized as such a great climatic end to Middle Earth, Peejers last trip aboard etc, Its had 5 star ratings & yet it was, for me, the biggest let down, with the stupidest lines & the atrocious scenes, wise cracks, & shallow battle scenes Im glad to never have paid to see ! Legolas surpassed himself by clinging onto the legs of a bat & going 'Air New Zealand', the usual standing motionless in the thick of a fight scene to casually survey the view without getting a scratch ! Oh my good God ! Orcs in full armour but can be killed by a single sword swipe ? Dain busily killing all & sundry with just a head butt ? Too much attention on Alfred, tho he did look better in a dress,..... a dress for fooks sake !! What is the world coming to ? Armitage did play Thorin better this time round I think, but, to be so severely consumed by 'dragon sickness' & then, suddenly to have an epiphany so simple that awoke him I found hard to except. The killing of Kili & Fili was a bit in yer face, & considering this was fundamentally a childs story, families viewing right on top of Christmas I thought it wasnt needed to be so graphic. Martin Freeman hardly had a word to say as normal but, when we see him at Thorins side I actually felt for him, I didnt feel anything for anyone else tho ? And as for stupid Tauriel ! "If this is life ( or love ? who gives a shit ) I dont want it, take it from me"! Oh, snap out of it ! dappy mare ! In all the hundreds of years youve been alive & only a half pint dwarf gets you all a flutter ? Cripes, think of the kids they could have acrobatic midgets ! Azog throwing that hammer head on a chain was reminiscent of Eowyn & the Witch King, not very original peejers *sigh*. Considering this title is..... Battle of the Five Armies...we didnt really see the conclusion ? It felt like a lazy cop out. We were deliberately distracted away from the main battle by the fooked up nonsense that had nothing to do with the story ! Who cares about Leggys mum ? I didnt ask ? did you ? No, to much wrong, not enough right, all in all, more turkey than Christmas !!!

Stig wrote:Petty, please tell me that you posted this review in TORN.

yeah that's a good idea.

Petty, please tell me that you posted this review in TORN.- Stig

Mmmm. I wouldn't want it look like I was doing it just to bam them up. On the other hand it is my honest assessment of the film on first viewing- its got worse since I started editing the bloody thing

And I suspect rather a few folks from ToRN who perhaps would not like it to be known, occasionally lurk here.
Though I do wish they would occasional pop into the Muck'n' Duck and buy me a round.

And so finally Pj's sojourn in ME is over.

What did I think of BOFA's?
Its a mess.
It has the structure as well as the action content of a video game.
The dialogue is often atrocious and in the hands of lesser performers would be apparently so.
The cgi ranges from superb to down right wonky.
The fight scenes are ludicrous and over long.
The battle is messy unfocused and unresolved in any clear fashion.
Important book characters are sidelined and invented ones promoted over them.
Emotional investment is almost impossible when we are only told what is happening to people, not seeing it happening to them.
The direction uses a string of now cheap emotional tricks to try to get its emotion where the script is failing too and uses action and spectacle to divert attention when the script has nothing to say or do.
There are far too many dead end set ups, plot points and story lines which are never resolved.
Large parts of the invented material turn out to be superfluous to the story and would never have survived a longer writing period still in a script written for three films from the start, and where they knew where they were going with it.
The performances are good within the restrictions of the material they have to work with.

And to return to the game metaphor it has the same sense you get when you finish a triple A blockbuster game- lots of spectacle, lots of flashy graphics, story and characters didn't really make sense and you are left feeling slightly underwhelmed by the whole experience because what there was to enjoy was all just the surface gloss, with no real emotional depth or attachment to anything, and if you are me you also feel more than slightly cheated out of your money too

I kind of liked the framing device other than the unnecessary ring glimpse. Perfectly done to set up what they started with the beginning. I agree with the rest of your review whole heartedly. Hopefully the EE will "fix" many of the lack of story details. I'm truly waiting to see what you can make of this with your edit. I know you can't polish a turd but I'm glad your gonna attempt it anyways. I know my wife will buy me the EE but I'll only be watching the behind the scenes stuff on it and the only version of any of these hobbit films I watch are likely to be your edit

Pettytyrant101 wrote:Petty, please tell me that you posted this review in TORN.- Stig

Mmmm. I wouldn't want it look like I was doing it just to bam them up. On the other hand it is my honest assessment of the film on first viewing- its got worse since I started editing the bloody thing

And I suspect rather a few folks from ToRN who perhaps would not like it to be known, occasionally lurk here.
Though I do wish they would occasional pop into the Muck'n' Duck and buy me a round.

No wonder I'm on the permanent ban list over there.... oh well

And the award for best review goes to .... Pettytyrant ....

More from RLM on fanboys and The Hobbit movies.

@39:22

If anyone is interested this is Dormouse's (from TORN) review:

Just seen it. Instant reaction....
If it were within my gift I would give the film every Oscar for which it's eligible.

Stig wrote:If anyone is interested this is Dormouse's (from TORN) review:

Just seen it. Instant reaction....
If it were within my gift I would give the film every Oscar for which it's eligible.

I wonder if he is Peter Jackson's golf caddie, cause he sure does a good job of washing Jackson's balls... With his tongue

Pettytyrant101 wrote:Petty, please tell me that you posted this review in TORN.- Stig

Mmmm. I wouldn't want it look like I was doing it just to bam them up. On the other hand it is my honest assessment of the film on first viewing- its got worse since I started editing the bloody thing

And I suspect rather a few folks from ToRN who perhaps would not like it to be known, occasionally lurk here.
Though I do wish they would occasional pop into the Muck'n' Duck and buy me a round.

Dude. It's totally fair. You're not swearing or being a jerk. And it's only crabbit, if you understand crabbit (which TORNers don't). I'd genuinely like to see the site find issue and try to take the post down. I would post my own review (which no-one has seen) but I don't want to post there anymore. Unlike most here, I was never banned. In fact, via PM they asked more than once to stick around. I could not. Absolutely stomach churning. I'm reading their review thread now and I question how many actual Tolkien fans actually reside on that site. No mention of lack of Beorn, Raddy, and the other Dwarves. The end of their beloved Tauriel or Dain. Nor the ineffectiveness of the how dwaves' deaths. And that's all movie-logic issue, nevermind adaptation issues.

As George Harrison once said "It's All Too Much."

Give it a post . I'd like to see someone at least try to address some of these very valid points.

You got this!

Most people here weren't banned from TORn either, and it actually makes me rather sad that we've gotten to the point where we give that impression. Also, while I completely agree that Petty hasn't been a jerk about BOFA, I couldn't say that about this forum as a whole when it comes to discussions of TORn (which people seem really eager to bring up).

Eldorion wrote:Most people here weren't banned from TORn either, and it actually makes me rather sad that we've gotten to the point where we give that impression.  Also, while I completely agree that Petty hasn't been a jerk about BOFA, I couldn't say that about this forum as a whole when it comes to discussions of TORn (which people seem really eager to bring up).

Don't get the wrong idea. The impression this site gives is one of honesty. It's refreshing. The sense of being banned from TORN doesn't come from you guys giving a vibe of jerkiness, but of TORN's overzealous pro-PJ rhetoric/policies. They are clearly sucking up for profit reasons.  As I mentioned elsewhere, I actually used to love TORN. But once these Hobbit films came, there was a mass exodus of "true" fans (both Tolkien and LOTR-era PJ) and an influx of faboys, apologists, and industry plants. Go back in time and look at the change in forum residents there. A dip in quality and quantity, so much that I no longer recognize anyone there. It'll be interesting to see what happens once the films end and PJ & co have no more Tolkien wares to sell. What will become of TORN then?

Anyway. Cheer up. This place is an extremely positive one. You're an Aussie, right? I thought you guys wore that type of thing like a badge of honor (at least that's the stereotype we Americans give you. )

EDIT: Yeah. I'm absolutely eager to bring TORN up because they need some serious checking. It's pretty bad over there. Forum members with critical analysis get swarmed like orcs and it's increasingly gruesome to watch many of the staffers and their shit eating grins trying to find some worth in PJ's interpretation when they clearly are not pleased. It's just gross and so obvious. But they've backed themselves in a corner riding PJ's coattails and now they have to go (and promote) where he goes and what he does instead of remaining independent.

Oh wait, Eld. You're not Aussie. Sorry. It was a late night/early morning.

The Aussies will be offended- Eldo might be Admin but he is no where near bloody minded enough to qualify for Down Under- have you seen their spiders?!!! Only the extremely bloody minded would live there.
Although hard not to admire a nation whose national heo is a bloke wearing an old iron boiler telling the authorities to fuck off.