Dr Who and the Living Dolls

Episode 1


The Blue Police Box was tumbling madly through one of the multiple multiverses but the Tardis Spectrumomonitorthingee wouldn't say which one, or perhaps Dr Who didn't ask. Fortunately, the inside of the Tardis - due to some ballast down the back, I think - was stable inside.

The new Doctor was at the controls trying to explain in his soft Scottish brogue to Petty the difference between the blue knobs and the red ones.

"You see, dear Petty, this one turns left - red you see - and this one turns right."

"Ock tha noo," Petty answered in his thick dimwitted Scottish brogue. "Itz orl quite sumple wen you knoo."

Julia Figg sat on a stool eating a dispenser carob and broad bean savoury bar and frowning gigantically meanwhile. Her mood did not change for the better when Clara Oswald wandered in from somewhere else in the Tardis - the Tardis being, if you didn't know, very commodious inside with lots of rooms, the best ones on your left as you walked down the passage - or one of the passages as there were lots of them. Clara was looking fresh and young and beautiful, some could easily have thought of her as the new Sarah Jane.  

"Oh my! I was having a nap and look who I see when I wake! Oh dear me, Doctor! You've got old and grey and are no longer at all sexy like Matt was in the role. I suppose any love interest would be seen as sick now. Though that older woman chewing on that disgusting carob and broad bean bar might be available. You've clearly transformed. You must tell me exactly how it happened."

"You don't want to know, trust me," Julia frowned, giving Clara a fierce scrutiny. "I hope I don't have to share the limelight with you! And I'm certainly not as old as the Doctor by the way, Missy!"

"I should hope not - he's about two thousand years old. You don't look quite that old."

Julia did not look pleased, though she should have kept in mind that she was a purely fictional construct and not a Real person living or dead. I thought I might just mention that.

"You will take up different demographics in the fandom," the Doctor explained happily. "Clara will fill the void in the younger men's hearts and you, dear Julia, will look after the older more desperate less discerning types like Orwell and Petty and David H."

"This may not end well," Julia mumbled, frowning even more severely.

"Ock!" Petty expostulated. "Whoze Davving Hatesch?"

"Never mind that," the Doctor said. "We're materializing. Oh how exciting. This is my first adventure."

"I hope there's a deenoosore," Petty offered hopefully, as there hadn't been a dinosaur for what seemed like ages.

"You must be careful about what you hope for, dear Petty," the Doctor said kindly.

"What about a lesbian Silurian and her human wife?" Julia pouted, still eyeing Clara dourly.

"You must be careful, dear Julia, about what you..."

"What the f*&k do you mean? That would be absolutely ridiculous!"  

"This is Doctor Who."

"Well then," Julia cried in haste. "I'm hoping for a few rather tasty young men then."

"Too late!" the Doctor said with all the childish excitement of a very old Doctor. "We're here!"

"What the f*%k!"

But the Doctor was right. Julia had got in too late. They had materialized.

"Wot a turnip for the boots!" Petty exclaimed, and well he might.

I must admit, I prefer this Dr Who. He is more savoury somehow than others. As to how Ol' Anon came up with this "Mrs Julia Figg" character, I'll never know. (He is, of course, a genuis, so who am I to ask. ) She doesn't sound like anyone recognisable in my life, whether alive or dead. {{{   }}}

 

Nice!
I must say though, it's not "Dr. Who." It is "The Doctor."

That's a modern myth Forest.
On the original episodes credits the character is indeed listed as Dr Who.
From about half way through classic the variant Doctor Who starts to appear in titles and credits.
But the actor in the part still tended to refer to the character as Dr Who, not as the Doctor.
That only started with NUWho and the name in the credits being the Doctor instead.

Capaldi refers to the role as Dr Who, being old skool on his Who.

"Oh my! I was having a nap and look who I see when I wake! Oh dear me, Doctor! You've got old and grey and are no longer at all sexy like Matt was in the role. I suppose any love interest would be seen as sick now."

Why didn't I read this sooner? Me and Anon are so on the same page here! And now we're on the same web page as well.

Episode 2

"My goodness!" Clara exclaimed demurely. "Is that a rather attractive Lizard Woman kissing a pretty young girl over there?"

"Whar? Whar?" Petty squealed, hopefully.

"Among those people in Victorain Era getup crowded on the bridge, just to left of that dinosaur in the background."

"In the bakgroon!" Petty squealed again just as excitedly. "Itz inza Tims!"

"Tems," the Doctor (also known as Doctor Who) corrected him in his more human-than-Petty's Scottish brogue. "It's the 'Tems'"

"I once thought it was the 'Thames'," Mrs Figg (also known as Julia) said confidentially, going a little blushy. "You know, 'Thames' to rhyme with 'Spains'- as in the 'Rains in Spains rains mailnly on the plains.' But I learnt differently later in life."

"Shouldn't that be the 'Rain in Spain rains mainly on the plain'?" Clara asked in an English accent that wasn't from Manchester, and with a slightly knowing smile added at Mrs Figg's expense.

"Which Universe are we speaking about?" the Doctor asked. "In the Universe where 'My Fair Lady' is called "Pygmalion'- or the other one?"

"Is this one of those timee-wimee things I've heard tell of?" Clara asked delicately. "Because I prefer not to be involved in that kind of thing. More Amy Pond than I care to mention, if you know what I mean..." Clara's voice trailed off tactfully.

"Wot tha f*&k... Will ya juz luke ut that foony mun with half uh hed and half uh rooboot hed!

"Shut up, Petty!" Mrs Figg grumbled. "Look here Clara... I hope you're not going to make disparaging remarks about Amy."

"Of course I'm not going to. I mean - it wasn't her who wrote all that gumph about the 'Raggedy Man.'  Can't actually blame her for that rubbishy kind of writing. Very Gay that and kind of creepy. Not that there's anything wrong with being Gay - it's just that idea of a strange man appearing and reappearing in the life of a young girl and being her 'Raggedy Man'. Gay but not in a good way if you ask me."

"I have no idea what you're getting at," Mrs Figg complained. "But I don't like it."

"Well," Clara said artfully. "Not everyone likes Amy Pond, you know. As a character I mean. The actress did her best with her limited acting experience and we really can't blame her for it - not totally - but as for that timee-wimee stuff. I mean - it was all pretty silly."

"I have to agree," the Doctor agreed agreeably. "I'm certainly hoping we won't be repeating that kind of thing in my time in the role, as I am a more mature and credible actor. We Timelords are pretty ancient. No use having twenty something's acting like teenagers in the role. I think the fans want a return to the Pertwee era kind of thing. Not that I'm another Pertwee. I'm my own man."

"Thart strunge moon jus kilt a mun and poot hiz eye in his eye sooket. I thunk heez a sighberg."

"A sighberg?" Clara asked with an arch eyebrow raised.

"He means cyborg - shut up, Petty!" Mrs Figg growled before adding poignantly. "Look here you two, Matt and Amy Pond were a great team. I found them incredibly credible and their relationship both topical and interesting."

"Yes, I imagine you would," Clara said politely, but Mrs Figg didn't like the cut of her jib when she said it - or how she said it.

"Look here you bitch. How would you like a punch in the face?"

"Now Julia, " the Doctor said in a stern fatherly tone. "You are a young feisty woman - not quite as young as Clara I grant you - yet still somewhat younger than me - and a nice young woman I hope..."

"He's about Two Thousand you know," Clara mouthed sweetly.

"I'll kill you, you know!" Mrs Figg said with a steely resolve and reached up her her skirt for the flickknife she kept there somwhere.

"Oh my gawwwwd!" Petty squealed. "The deensosore has jus cort on fire!"

This distracted them all and so Julia Figg didn't knife Clara just then.

Petty was right. The dinosaur was on fire!

"That's bloody ridiculous," Julia scoffed scornfully.

"Eyem shore Muster Moppit haz a vury good reesin for eet," Petty said - a bit hopefully.

"I wonder if it has got anything to do with that cyborg killing that man and sticking his eye in the metal side of his head," the Doctor mused aloud.

"It meet," Petty said even more hopefully, nodding his head as knowingly as was possible to nod your head when you weren't at all sure. "It meet indud!"

"Anyway, we must wait for a later Episode to find out," Doctor Who said maturely. "Call it timee-wimee, but I'm off to watch my Second Adventure. It starts in about fourty minutes in the Great and Wondrous Land of Oz and Ol' Anon does need to edit this Episode before he hurries off."

As usual, the Doctor was right.  



to be continued...

I am so loving this!

Pettytyrant101 wrote:That's a modern myth Forest.
On the original episodes credits the character is indeed listed as Dr Who.
From about half way through classic the variant Doctor Who starts to appear in titles and credits.
But the actor in the part still tended to refer to the character as Dr Who, not as the Doctor.
That only started with NUWho and the name in the credits being the Doctor instead.

Capaldi refers to the role as Dr Who, being old skool on his Who.

Well I've never heard of that. So the Doctor literally walks up to people and says, "How do you do? My name is Doctor Who"? So far in the Baker episodes I've been watching it's just been "The Doctor."
I'm surprised that it hasn't come up in any of the conversations I've read on here, what with the recent grandstanding over "The oldest question, one hidden in plain view" (something like that), which always seemed to me to be some kind of self-aware fan service harking back to the name of the show.

I don't think I much care for "Doctor Who" as an actual name to be putting forth. It seems rather obtuse. Seems to me that advertising the mystery of the Doctor's name in a very obvious way, by adding "who", is similar to, say, Inspector Gadget or something.

"That's bloody ridiculous," Julia scoffed scornfully.



I love the way Petty is totally oblivious to everything but the cool Dinosaur.

So far in the Baker episodes I've been watching it's just been "The Doctor."- Forest


Its never used in show, he never calls himself Doctor Who, at least not deliberately.
I am talking about how the character is listed in the shows credits and how the actors playing the part referered to him.
In classic era the actors referred to playing Doctor Who and likewise the credits listed him as 'Dr Who'.
When NuWHo started that had changed to him just being listed in the credits as 'The Doctor'.

Episode 3

They had retired to the Lizard Woman's mansion because Clara was friends with her (apparently).

The Lizard Woman was a nice lady and not only that but a Lizard from a planet called Siluria, or as far as I know, she was. Clara knew her, as I stated not eight words ago, but I don't know if they were former lovers or not. Anyway, the Lizard Woman had another young female human in her life now - and yes, I can't remember either of their names, either the Lizard Woman or her human lover girl. There was also a militarist alien type alien at the mansion. And yes, I can't remember his name just now either - but let's just call him Thatch until further notice. What race of alien Thatch was I'm not sure either. Sondaran sounds kind of what it might be. Never mind, dear reader, we'll work that out later too. We must not get stuck on pedantic points about names and such things. I mean, 'The Doctor', 'Doctor Who', 'Mrs Figg', 'Julia', 'Forest Shepherd', 'Wood Beaver'- I mean, what's in a name, I say? Tiresome pedantry in my opinion - and tiresome pedantry is definitely NOT what Dr Who is about.

"Thatch," said the Lizard Woman who we will call Kate until futher notice. "Will you go outside and make sure there are none of those manikens walking about in rather scanty underwear in a stiff, erect and robotic manner."

"I shall destoy them," Thatch said in a rather humourouss manner -at least to the viewer.

"I think it best you not bring attention to yourself, Thatch," Kate said wisely. "Now my human lover - who I will call Jill for the moment - please keep posing in such a fashion that our viewers can manage a look-see at your boobies."

"Are you still working on your map of Victorian London?" Jill for the moment asked.

"Yes - but we must allow our male - and some of our female viewers - something to look at."

"Kate, if we are lesbians, won't it only be other lesbians who will be wishing to peruse my milk-white breasts?"

"No - there will be more men than women. And no doubt they'll be wondering just now what a lesbian Lizard Woman would be like in bed, or at least the writer of this episode will if I know him, and I know him pretty well by now."

"What are you trying to do with that map?" the Doctor asked in a valiant attempt to bring the story back to it's proper arc - if a Dr Who story can ever be said to have one.

"I am marking the locations in London where humans have been killed and had their body parts stolen - here a liver, there a spleen, here a gallstone... Can we see a pattern?"

"Why on earth would anyone steal a gallstone?" Julia wanted to know.

"It might be a gall bladder.... sorry. I was speaking in a casual throw away fashion, dear Julia," said Kate the Lizard Woman.

"Why are they stealing body parts in the first place?"

"I thunk thar sighbergs are tryin too becoomb humoon," Petty tried to help.

"The cyborgs are trying to become human, you say?" the Doctor asked looking at Petty in utmost surprise.

"Aye! Why are yoo so surpreezed oot thar proospuct?"

"Because it actually makes sense. Fancy you of all people coming up with something sensible?"

"Aye!" Julia grinned.

Petty scowled. "Beetch!

"Hairy blob of purulence!" Julia shot back, looking even more pleased, like she actually enjoyed aggravating Petty.   

"I myself think Petty is kind of cute in an unkempt scarggly way," Clara said, giving Petty a demure smile.

"You're only saying that to upset me," Julia accused her in annoyance, though Petty looked pretty damned pleased at this sudden turn of events.

"Not at all," Clara said. "I can well imagine Petty will be my love interest now that the Doctor is too old."

"I bee hoppy wiz thart turn ov evants," Petty grinned.

"I think I'm going to vomit," Julia said, and she did, into one Kate's aspidristras.

Doctor Who - who also looked pale - said, "I think we need to concentrate on the mystery at hand my friends. Now Petty, stop drooling for a moment and go and see what Thatch is up to. I think I heard a Sondaran mortar go off."

"By-by then, my sweet little Scotsman," Clara said and fluttered her fingers in a delicate goodbye.

Petty marched off looking very much the miltary man in his bold Campbell kilt.

Julia looked at Clara in utmost suspicion. "You don't really mean it do you. You are just trying to annoy me."

"Of course not," Clara said and fluttered her eyelashes at Julia in a very sarcastic way.  "I think I'm falling in love. Though I can't be absolutely sure as I clearly have no say in what's going on in the script."

"Well, I only hope you're not going to build Petty up with all sorts of wild and totally unrealistic dreams and then break his pathetic little heart."

"My, my! Julia! I thought you didn't like the haggis-man," Clara smiled. "I hope you're not getting jealous?"

"What? Jealous?" Julia cried, genuinely quite amazed at the suggestion (which may, in fact, surprise no one). "What, jealous you're making eyes at Petty?"

"Well, I bet you'll be jealous when I whisk Petty off to my bower for a bit of how's your mother."  

"Did you really just say that?"

"YoU know, I think I did."

Julia looked stunned for a moment. "I think I need to be doubly if not triply clear about this. You definitely did just say: 'Well, I bet you'll be jealous when I whisk Petty off to my bower for a bit of how's your mother', didn't you? That's Petty we're talking about."

"Why should it seem so strange?" Clara purred convincingly. Amy Pond would not, of course, have handled this part of the script ever so well.

A sudden and unbidden image of a naked Petty strutted through Julia's mental landscape just then and she swiftly revisited the aspidistra.

"Hairy blob of purulence!" Julia shot back, looking even more pleased, like she actually enjoyed aggravating Petty.

this is my new signature.

{{{I wouldn't worry too much, Petty - seems you'll soon be having no time at all to spat with Mrs Figg - what with you and Clara becoming 'friendly' and all... }}}

{{{Um.. can Mrs Figg read encrypted messages, Petty? }}}

{{{{I dont think Figg can- but she has those 'special' eels. And obviously Clara would fall for me, I am wearing a buckie-stained kilt after all }}}}}

{{{She's only human after all - Clara that is-- not sure about Julia - some say she's originally from Manchester - Julia that is, not Clara.   }}}



{{{I'm going to bed. I suddenly feel in danger...}}}

you should

Oh. Liking the Doctor Who pastiche, Orwell. Keep it coming.

Mrs Figg wrote:I love the way Petty is totally oblivious to everything but the cool Dinosaur.

Yeah.

Orwell wrote:"In the bakgroon!" Petty squealed again just as excitedly. "Itz inza Tims!"

He's adorable.

Dinosaurs? There are Dinosaurs?!?

Wait. That's a spoiler!

Episode 4

Petty ran back in in high excitement, his kilt hems a'swirl.

"Ock the noo!" he cried. "Itz oon thar froont page of thee Tims!"

"The Thames?"  Julia asked as she kneeled by the aspidistra still looking pale.

"Noo! The Tims noos pipper!"

"Let me take a look," said the Doctor. "It's a full page shot of Tyrannasaurus Rexina immolated in flame!"

"Aye!" Petty squealed in excitement. "It doon gut moor Whoey thun thart."

"Spontaneous combustion?" Clara asked, patting Petty's hand delicately.

"Noo - itz a Tireneesoross Ruxnino, Clora mee loove!"

"I wish we'd move on a bit," Julia frowned.

"I doo nee wont too," Petty grinned.

"Oh how sharp," Clara said fondly and ruffled his hair. "What a rapier sharp reply, Petty."

Julia felt for the reassuring touch of her flick knife and thought, "I'll get my chance, I really will!" and she eyed them both malevolently.    
 
Somehow managing to ignore them, the Doctor said: "There's an advertisement on page 2. Listen to this: 'Clara, meet me at the Clockwork Cafe.'"  

Clara approached and looked at the other side (page 4). "Oh Doctor it says here, 'Doctor, meet me at the Clockwork Cafe."

"Amazing stuff!" Julia frowned. "Truly amazing...."

"Quickly now," said the Doctor. "I'll go and steal a derro's coat and you go and get dressed up in a pretty Victorian manner, Clara."

"But what if it's a trap?" Kate the Lizard Woman gasped.

The Doctor fixed his steely gaze on Kate. "And what if it's NOT, Kate?" he asked with truly Shakespearan gravitas. "What if it's NOT?"

"Ock tha noo!" Petty squealed and fainted.

to be continued...












"

David H wrote:Dinosaurs? There are Dinosaurs?!?

Wait. That's a spoiler!

The whole story is a spoiler, Dave! Run! RUUUUN!!!