The Desolation of Smaug- as seen by an increasingly reluctant Petty TYrant

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Post by Pettytyrant101 Mon Apr 21, 2014 12:05 am

I'm doing Glitched first- as its starting to bug me I have the ending in my head and not on the page!

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Post by Pettytyrant101 Tue May 06, 2014 8:10 pm

Twelve months later but none the wiser as to what the hell was supposed to be going on Bilbo popped his head up from behind some rocks.

He was, as had become normal of late, confused.

They had been rescued by the eagles and dumped off on top of a giant rock on the eastern side of the mountains. Their destination had lain ahead, north and east of them.

Hell they could even see the Lonely Mountain from where the eagles deposited them, straight ahead with nothing but flat land, rivers and forest before them.

So what exactly was he doing apparently back again in the mountains they had already left behind?
It seemed not only was it impossible to die from falling from great heights in these mountains, but it was also not very easy to leave them either, even when you were travelling in the opposite direction from them.

He shrugged and sighed in despair and looked out over the rocky mountainous vista before him lying under an oddly unnatural purple sky.

There were a pack of Orcs on wargs riding along the opposite ridge, goodness knew how they had got here so quickly given Bilbo and the Company had gone direct by eagle but that was just yet another thing which did not bear close scrutiny of.

Bilbo sighed in disappointment and kept a keen eye on the orcs, who fortunately were led by Azog the Definitely Dead and he was leading his troops onto an out-jut of rock which led nowhere, meaning he would have to lead them all the way back again before proceeding.

Looking out Bilbo guessed Azog's decision was based largely on the fact it silhouetted him yet again against the setting sun where he could look dramatic and threatening.

And that was another thing which was bothering Bilbo, he had lost all track of time. And he was pretty sure this was not his fault.

It had been late afternoon when they had left the mountain, and sunset when the eagles had rescued them, yet it had been sunrise almost immediately afterwards when the eagles set them down, even though they had only been flown for about an hour at most. And now it was what? Was this sunrise or sunset? He had no idea and no context to judge it from. He shrugged again and figured he would work it out but just then his thoughts were disturbed by a low growling.

His eye was drawn to an rocky outcrop some way to his left where a beast stood and observed the orcs.






In a wooded area further down the mountainside Gandalf and the dwarves were just hanging about waiting for Bilbo.
Soon they heard him coming down the path, panting heavily out of breath and his feet making lots of nose on the loose stones.

“There's an orc pack,” Bilbo reported breathlessly, “But that’s not the worst of it,” he added.

“Did they see you?” Gandalf demanded.

“No, but I don’t know how they didn't hear me, so much for quiet as a hobbit.”

“What did I tell you,” Gandalf said beaming round at the dwarves, “perfect burglar material.”

“We have never said anything that doubted him,” Balin replied puzzled, “they took all that out.”

“Quiet as a mouse,” Gandalf burbled on determined to try to stick to something from the book in the face of all the evidence and whilst trying to ignore Bilbo, who was making rustling noises every time he moved right in front to him.

“Will you listen!” Bilbo insisted, “I am trying to tell you there is something else out there.”

“What form did it take?” Gandalf asked slowly and carefully, “like a bear?”

Bilbo considered this a moment, “No, not really,” he concluded, “it had pointed ears more like a wolf, and a long narrow snout.”

Gandalf looked annoyed, “Are you sure it did not look like a bear?” he persisted.

“Yes, more like a huge warg thing than anything else,” he replied.

“Are you sure it was not more like a bear?” Gandalf said forcibly.

“Well, I suppose it had a sort of bearish body, kind of, if you had a squint,” Bilbo conceded eventually.

Gandalf looked smug, “As I thought.”

“You knew about this beast?” Bofur asked, “I say we double back.”

“There are two reasons we are not doing that,” Thorin said, “firstly we would be run down by a pack of orcs, and secondly its bloody stupid.”

Gandalf who had gone to stand with his back to them for dramatic purposes now turned round, “There is a house where we might take refuge,” he informed them.

“Whose house?” Thorin demanded,”are they friend or foe?”

“We shall find that out,” Gandalf replied,”after whatever happens at the end of this dramatic sentence.”

Suddenly the air was filled with a huge, dramatic and threatening roaring.

“What choice do we have in the face of such a dramatic cue?” Thorin said.

“None,” Gandalf confirmed, “Run away dramatically!”

And with that the Company took to their heels and ran dramatically away.

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Post by Mrs Figg Tue May 06, 2014 9:16 pm

Laughing 
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Post by Pettytyrant101 Tue May 06, 2014 9:35 pm

The Company broke from the trees and splashed across a shallow river. Around and before them was a meadow landscape of greens strewn with purple and yellow lupines.

Behind them the orcs atop their wargs bounded through the woods after them.

“Come on!” cried Gandalf as he ran ahead between the trees.

“What the buggery are we doing back in the wood again?!” Bilbo cried, “I thought we had run out onto an open meadow a second ago, where did it go? How sloppily made is this shit?”

Behind them the great roar came again and they all stopped in their tracks, “This way! Run!” Gandalf cried and led them all out of the trees for the second time and into a completely different landscape of short tough grasses and hillocks.

Before them was an open space and within it was a walled cottage.

Gandalf led the company straight for it whilst behind them the beast that was not very much like a bear roared and gave pursuit, seemingly more bothered about the dwarves than the orcs, whom the beast had it seemed left well alone.


The Company reached the open gate in the wall around the house and Gandalf stood guard there as the dwarves sped by him and up along the path between beehives to the front door. Which they all crashed into like they were auditioning for parts in the keystone cops.

As Bilbo sped by Gandalf the beast burst from the tree-line behind them and came pounding towards the cottage.

“That is never a bear,” Bilbo wailed pointing back at the werewolf like thing perusing them

The dwarves were trying everything to open the door, they pushed against it, they hit it, they tried to prise it with their finger nails, but the ingenuity of its locking mechanism had all of them, from miner to manufacturer, from toy maker to locksmith confounded. Even Nori the groups thief and official door opener seemed stumped by the cunning design of the door.

Gandalf and Thorin, the last to leave the gate, sprinted towards them, “Open the fucking door!” Gandalf instructed angrily.

Thorin ran up and flipped open the simple metal latch and opened the door and they all went inside ashamed to have been defeated by a door latch, and just in time as the beast struck the door even as they tried to push it closed.

Bilbo drew his sword as the dwarves forced the door backwards, the beasts great snout protruding and being squeezed between the gap until finally it pulled back its nose and withdrew.

The dwarves, panting from their exertions and still embarrassed about the whole door thing, turned to Gandalf.

“What is that thing?” Ori asked.

“That is our host,” Gandalf replied,”his name is Beorn, he's a skin-changer.”

“And you don’t think,” Bilbo put in annoyed, “that it might have been better to introduce us first, maybe in a way which did not provoke him. Rather than say breaking into his house uninvited then trapping his fucking nose in his own fucking front door!”

“No,” Gandalf replied tersely, “sometimes Beorn is a great black bear..”

“That was not a bear,” Bilbo grumbled.

“Sometimes he is a great strong man with stupid hair,” Gandalf continued ignoring Bilbo,”the bear is unpredictable...”

“It's not a bear, it doesn't look anything like a bear,” Bilbo interjected again.

“The man,” Gandalf went on still ignoring Bilbo, “can be reasoned with.”

“What even after you've broken into his home and tried to rip his face of in his own door?” Bilbo enquired.

“But he is not over fond of Dwarves,” Gandalf went on.

“Oh brilliant,” Bilbo said, “So he doesn’t like dwarves and you thought it was a good idea to break in here and assault him, with a group of dwarves.”

Ori, who had been standing with his ear to the door suddenly interrupted, “He is leaving.”

Dori grabbed him and pulled him away from the door, “It's not natural,” he said, “none of it.”

“That sounds oddly familiar,” Bilbo puzzled,”and shoehorned in where it doesn't belong too.”

“Be quiet Bilbo. Now get some sleep all of you,” Gandalf ordered.

“What?” Bilbo said perplexed, “but its the middle of the day isn't it? I mean it was sunrise when I saw the wargs and it's bright daylight outside.”

“I said get some sleep,” Gandalf repeated crossly, “We'll be safe here tonight.”

“And what the hell are you basing that on? Us breaking in, or on us attacking him?”

“Go to sleep Bilbo.”

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Post by Mrs Figg Tue May 06, 2014 9:40 pm

“And you don’t think,” Bilbo put in annoyed, “that it might have been better to introduce us first, maybe in a way which did not provoke him. Rather than say breaking into his house uninvited then trapping his fucking nose in his own fucking front door!”

you would have thought so wouldnt you?  Rolling Eyes but that wouldnt be dramatic.  Mad 
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Post by malickfan Tue May 06, 2014 9:58 pm

Great job Petty, you suffer so we don't have to...

(Didn't realize the continuity was that bad...)

I'm pretty sure I read an interview with Freeman or WishitwasIanMcshaneinsteadoftheKlingon where they mentioned they originally shot an entrance into Beorn's very close to the book but it was re filmed in pickups (I doubt it will be in the EE, as the Azog subplot was reworked very late in the game to replace it).


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I think what comes out of a pig's rear end is more akin to what Peejers has given us-Azriel 20/9/2014
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Post by Pettytyrant101 Tue May 06, 2014 10:19 pm

The continuity is one of the worst things- in that its shocking in a film of this budget and anticipation that it could be so amateurish.

Its not just the arbitrary switches in time but things like the wood/meadow/wood, where its just bad amateur hour editing.
But it even gets as ludicrous as Gandalf saying "We will spend the night here. Get some sleep," whilst standing in a room lit by bright shafts of strong daylight, and following a scene that clearly begins at dawn with Bilbo seeing the wargs and could not have taken place more than an hour earlier.
Or is PJ meaning we are to believe that they ran non-stop, chased by Beorn from dawn until dusk?

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Post by malickfan Tue May 06, 2014 11:33 pm

Shrugging :facepalm: 

So wait, a gaint bear man who dosen't look like a bear randomly goes on the prowl leaving his house unlocked. Wearing his magic transforming shackles, matching his apparently blow dried hair,  he then chases you out of knowhere for so so long the rules of time and space fall apart, panicking the bunch of nondescript midgets with you forget how to open a door, whilst the wizard looks ever more bored and annoyed with everyone

Finally getting safely inside the house, said wizard tells you to stop talking before announcing his magic mate dosen't like dwarves (and apparently plays chess by himself ), the Klingon growls to himself in the corner, whilst you are sidelined yet again and told to get some sleep in case the day/night cycle returns to normal. Still, at least everyone's hair is nice and sparkly still.

No wonder Freeman looked so bored in the interviews, he had simply got tired of working out what was going on set. 'The Soddit: Everyone's only here for the shiny dragon'.

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Well, that was worth the wait wasn't it  Suspect


I think what comes out of a pig's rear end is more akin to what Peejers has given us-Azriel 20/9/2014
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Post by Mrs Figg Tue May 06, 2014 11:40 pm

To be honest I hadnt noticed the wild switcheroo between night/day mountain/tundra stuff, I was too busy not believing what was going on with Bilbo. shoddy stuff nevertheless.
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Post by malickfan Tue May 06, 2014 11:49 pm

I am starting to wonder how much of the original script had Bilbo as the main character, GDT certainly identified with Bilbo's POV and spoke of the story as a coming of age story about bravery and greed, Jackson on the other hand seems to think it's a action story about the rise and fall of a more noble than he should be prince.

From what I gather they did alot of re-shoots on AUJ to widen Thorin's character arc.

For someone who rescheduled the entire shoot for Freeman's sake, Jackson dosen't seem very interested in Bilbo.



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The Thorin: An Unexpected Rewrite December 2012 (I was on the money apparently)
The Tauriel: Desolation of Canon December 2013 (Accurate again!)
The Sod-it! : Battling my Indifference December 2014 (You know what they say, third time's the charm)

Well, that was worth the wait wasn't it  Suspect


I think what comes out of a pig's rear end is more akin to what Peejers has given us-Azriel 20/9/2014
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Post by Mrs Figg Tue May 06, 2014 11:55 pm

they needed Freeman. He is excellent at conveying emotions without dialogue. Seeing as Bilbo wasnt given any dialogue, they are using Freemans twitches, sniffs and coughs to convey his journey. simps  Very Happy
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Post by malickfan Wed May 07, 2014 12:01 am

I could have played him in that case, I've done an awful lot of (bored)coughing, (angry)twitching and sniffing (back the tears) over the course of these films Smile 

But seriously, I agree he was great casting, most of Bilbo's feelings were internalized in the book, and with so little dialogue and his more down to earth character I think they needed someone like him to convey emotion physically, it's just a shame he is often sidelined to the side of events.

I mean did he have a man crush on Thorin in the movieverse or something? If I was writing my memoirs I wouldn't sideline myself...

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The Thorin: An Unexpected Rewrite December 2012 (I was on the money apparently)
The Tauriel: Desolation of Canon December 2013 (Accurate again!)
The Sod-it! : Battling my Indifference December 2014 (You know what they say, third time's the charm)

Well, that was worth the wait wasn't it  Suspect


I think what comes out of a pig's rear end is more akin to what Peejers has given us-Azriel 20/9/2014
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Post by Mrs Figg Wed May 07, 2014 12:18 am

He seems to need Thorins approval more in the films than in the book, it makes him look a bit of a dingbat when in AUJ he rushes at the warg trying to protect Thorin, I thought Thorins 'heroic' running through the burning tree towards Azog only to get immediately floored, a bit silly.
In DOS at the part where Thorin is debating showing the map to Elrond, theres these two nano-second shots of Bilbo standing in the background looking confused, what on earth is the point of it? I find it really irritating. They didnt need Balin to be there, Elrond or Gandalf could have explained everything to Bilbo instead of having him in the background being ignored. dunno  Shrugging 
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Post by Eldorion Wed May 07, 2014 3:46 am

I was just looking at this thread yesterday wondering if it would be updated soon. Very Happy Thanks for the new post, Petty! I'm really glad you're ploughing through DOS for us. Nod
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Post by Eldorion Wed May 07, 2014 3:47 am

malickfan wrote:Great job Petty, you suffer so we don't have to...

(Didn't realize the continuity was that bad...)

I generally try not to get hung up on continuity too much, but the switches between day and night at the end of AUJ and the beginning of DOS are really bad. Gandalf's "go to sleep" makes The Dark Knight Rises look like a model of fastidious continuity-keeping. Razz
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Post by Tinuviel Wed May 07, 2014 4:34 am

All I've been able to notice in the Hobbit films are the errors. Most particularly the last minute CG shots that are so obviously last minute because actors are replaced by CG doubles. At least, that better be the case. If it isn't then I might melt onto the floor.
Something the cinema sins video pointed out was a weird jump in Laketown during Alfrid and the Master's conversation. It was really odd. In fact, the amount of elliptical edits in Laketown made it impossible to feel like this town meant anything to the characters. We're just told to like it because it will get destroyed later. If less time was spent with the elves (where elliptical edits would have been useful) then more time could have been spent in Laketown. PJ shot himself in the foot with the whole "Durin's Day" business. He gave himself little to no time to explore each place, and he didn't even need to! Give them more time! You can make up when Durin's day is! Just make sure that the journey takes time!!!! IT'S NOT LOTR WHERE THE LAST TWO BOOKS HAPPEN IN LIKE TWO WEEKS. THE HOBBIT TAKES MONTHS, NOT DAYS!
I mean if you look at the time frame of DOS, I think it was a total of five days tops. That's why the whole thing felt rushed even though it was 2 hrs and 40 mins long.

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Post by Forest Shepherd Wed May 07, 2014 4:59 am

Exactly Tinuviel. Journey my face, the pace of events was bent terribly for the sake of dramatic pacing.

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Post by bungobaggins Wed May 07, 2014 5:37 am

“What choice do we have in the face of such a dramatic cue?” Thorin said.

“None,” Gandalf confirmed, “Run away dramatically!”

And with that the Company took to their heels and ran dramatically away.


lol! Glad to see you back to work on this, Petty.

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Post by azriel Wed May 07, 2014 1:03 pm

Everything Petty has written is so bloody funny ! & so true !  If,but Peejers knew it, he's initially laid the path down for a fooking great parody film which, will be far more amusing, financially rewarding & I would'nt mind so much that it had fook all to do with the original source !  Razz It begs the question now, why didnt Peejers do that instead ?? He concentrated on going one more time into ME that he couldnt see the wood for the trees ! What a dick !  Razz  Razz

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Post by Ringdrotten Wed May 07, 2014 1:13 pm

"Even Nori the groups thief and official door opener seemed stumped by the cunning design of the door."

lol!

“Be quiet Bilbo. Now get some sleep all of you,” Gandalf ordered.

“What?” Bilbo said perplexed, “but its the middle of the day isn't it? I mean it was sunrise when I saw the wargs and it's bright daylight outside.”

“I said get some sleep,” Gandalf repeated crossly, “We'll be safe here tonight.”


I hadn't noticed this before. Jesus :facepalm:

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Post by halfwise Fri May 09, 2014 12:57 pm

I've always been annoyed by the 'get some sleep' trope that runs through both LotR and the Hobbit.  It's usually uttered by someone who has no intention of getting any sleep, and then the utteree meekly rolls over to sleep instead of yammering in outrage about being treated like a damn child.   Sounds like Boyens to me, she just likes the sound of it.


Last edited by halfwise on Fri May 09, 2014 2:20 pm; edited 1 time in total

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Post by Tinuviel Fri May 09, 2014 2:19 pm

It's a cop out for having to write a scene with dialogue and no action. It's an elliptical edit that usually doesn't bother the audience because it's SAID AT NIGHT NOT WHEN YOU SEE THE DAYLIGHT COMING IN THROUGH THE WINDOWS!

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Post by Pettytyrant101 Fri May 09, 2014 5:14 pm

And especially not when you have watched the entire sequence of events since dawn and it, at a stretch, could only be a few hours later at best when you have a 'we will rest here tonight go sleep' line.  Mad 

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Post by Mrs Figg Fri May 09, 2014 11:04 pm

what pisses me off the most is the fact that because they are running headlong into Beorns house you only get a split second look at everything, they must have spent weeks getting the set and all the details just perfect, and all you see is idiot Dwarves trying to get through the door, then they are inside. I wanted a good long look at Beorns house and mostly his flower gardens,  I wanted to get a feel for the place. That was one of my favorite bits from the book, a nice leisurely and funny introduction with all his amazing animals. What do we actually get? fuck all. thats what. Beorn and his house is just set dressing for another fucking chase scene.
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Post by David H Fri May 09, 2014 11:44 pm

Me too! I liked a lot of what I saw, for the few seconds it was on screen. I hope we get more in the EE's. The stay at Beorn's farmstead should really have had a slow, restful feeling of sanctuary, like the stay at Lothlorien in LotR. Though there's evil all around, you can catch your breath and feel safe here (both the company and the audience).

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