The Desolation of Smaug- as seen by an increasingly reluctant Petty TYrant

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Post by Pettytyrant101 Thu Apr 17, 2014 11:36 pm

The Desolation of Smaug- As seen by an increasingly unwilling Petty Tyrant



Bree, because it was in the other film- Temporarily and inexplicably relocated to the border of the Shire for the duration of this scene.

It was night in Bree, it always was.

The rain poured down onto the cobbled streets, it always did.

Peter Jackson mugged at the camera whilst crunching on a carrot, he just couldn't help himself.

Thorin Oakenshield hooded against the weather made his way through the perpetual Bree night streets (which were now muddy roads as no one had told the set designers the cgi guys were making the streets cobbled in all the wide shots) followed by two of Bree's most incompetent hired thugs, who not only failed to keep themselves hidden, despite the streets being oddly busy with people for the time of night and weather, but also managed to fail to notice that ever so often Thorin stopped and peered back over his shoulder at them exactly like someone who knew they were being followed.

Thorin paused at the open door to the Prancing Pony Inn, had one last suspicion filled glance back at his obvious pursuers and entered, drawing back his hood to unleash his fan pleasing mane of hair.

The inn was busy, bustling with folk. There was even a cat which looked exactly like the cat in the same inn in the future in the film that that o'er-hangs this one like a bad smell. And, because it was obligatory in the big book of movie historical inns, an old woman sat in a corner and cackled hysterically for no readily apparent reason.

There were also plenty of hobbits in the bar, and it was clear the establishment, despite being human run hired many of its staff from among the hobbit folk. A practise which would oddly it seems completely die out over the intervening years between now and the oer-hanging smell. Making it feel oddly incongruous.

Thorin took a seat at a table and a hobbit waitress brought him his order, which he had not had time to order yet. But he accepted it anyway as if he had ordered it.

But no sooner had he begun his meal when his two suspicious pursuers, now positioned sitting across from him on either side, began to give him evil looks and threatening stares.
Thorin looked from one to the other, wondering why they had not simply made as if to innocuously walk by him with the other patrons and maybe just stabbed him discreetly
in the back of the neck?

He was even more puzzled when both men stood up menacingly, but very obviously and indeed very slowly and then simply stood there for a moment giving him a 'we are about to attack you any moment' stare before they began to move slowly towards him with evil intent clear in their eyes.

Thorin reached for the hilt of his sword but just at that moment a figure sat down opposite him at the table and said, "Mind if I join you? The air of contrived melodrama is getting a bit thick in here.'

Thorin looked up into the face of an old man with grey hair and a long grey beard, dressed in grey robes.

The two thugs also looked at this old man and for no readily explainable reason decided taking on an armed Thorin was fine, but taking on Thorin plus one old man with a walking stick was to much for them to handle, and they melted away into the crowd and were never seen again and left to wonder if there was ever a real purpose for them in the first place.

"I should introduce myself," the old man said, "my name is Gandalf, and this is not a waste of time even though anyone watching this film is having there time wasted by me telling them things they already know, but they better get used to it because that's the only purpose I have here, reminding everyone of important bits from the first one and setting stuff up for later, so listen up!"

"I know who you are," Thorin replied, "you are the mysterious wizard everyone already knows all about and because of which all your mystery is ruined in this tale, I remember you."

"Well," said Gandalf clapping his hands together, "this is a fine chance," which was sailing very close to copyright infringement on UT and would need a covering line shortly to avoid.

"I was going in search of my father, Thrain, he was in a flashback scene but now no one knows where it has gone and he is lost. I have been searching for that scene."

"Thorin, it has been a long time since anything but rumour was heard of that scene."

"It was in the trailer for this film!" Thorin insisted,"It still exists. I am sure of it."

Just then the psychic hobbit waitress reappeared with the meal Gandalf had not ordered. But he too reacted as if he had anyway and accepted it and began eating, so it was lucky really the bad guys had lacked the wit to just poison them both.


"You were in that scene with my father," Thorin went on, "What did you say in it?"

"I urged him to march on Erebor," Gandalf replied solemnly.

"That does not seem very likely from the trailer," Throin retorted unconvinced.

"Quiet!" Gandalf replied sharply, "I am moving the plot on. I told him to rally the seven armies of the dwarves, to destroy the dragon and take back the Lonely Mountain."

"This is not a chance meeting, is it Gandalf?" Thorin said out of nowhere, but necessarily to set up the covering line for the legal issue.

"No, it is not," Gandalf confirmed for the layers, "its definitely not in any way chance, like it says in UT, absolutely not, are we clear on that everyone? Good. Now I have some foreshadowing to do, again. The Lonely Mountain troubles me Thorin, the dragon troubles me. Sooner or later darker minds will turn to its uses."

Gandalf paused and drew out a parchment saying, "I bumped into some unsavoury characters on the Great Road, even though the road should be much safer in this time period than it was in the time of the film that cannot be named, and it was not swarming with roaming orcs and bandits then, but hey ho."

He unfolded the parchment, it was covered in writing Thorin could not read, "It is Black Speech" Gandalf explained.

"What is it?" Thorin asked.

"An opportunity for a dramatic line set up. Its a promise of payment," Gandalf said dramatically setting up the line.

Thorin paused to let the drama build before saying, "Payment for what?"

Gandalf likewise paused to milk the drama teat some more before replying theatrically, "You're head. Someone wants you dead."

"So," Thorin said, "we are in this flashback only to confirm something well established in the three hours of the first film during which we were relentlessly pursued by this someone?"

"No, not only that," Gandalf replied, "you are the heir to the throne."

"That's just repeating more stuff well established already," Thorin interrupted.

"Unite the armies of the dwarves," Gandalf instructed ignoring Thorins interruption, "Summon the seven families. Demand they stand by their oaths."

"But the oaths are really stupid, " Thorin argued, "they will only follow me if I have the Kings jewel, the Arkenstone, if I am just the acknowledged rightful heir and King of the dwarves for some reason no one will listen to me, they will only preposterously do as i say if I have the bling."

"A piece of bling whose role we have enlarged from symbolic and thematic to crucial plot element, and therefore will be very important later on in the film."

"So we are here merely to foreshadow the new improbable importance of the Arkenstone?" Thorin said shocked.

"Yes, and to confirm the ludicrous notion that somehow just you having it means all the dwarf families will instantly drop whatever objections they now have to retaking the mountain, and immediately help you without question."

"But the Arkenstone lies in the mountain, buried beneath the feet of a fire breathing dragon, only two feet though as they changed it from four sometime after they realised the first film where it clearly had four."

"Yes," confirmed Gandalf, "everything is being created and changed all around us at any moment, how do you think this ridiculously contrived scene came into being? Anyway, the need for the Arkenstone is why we need a linking line to the present day and out of this flashback. I know. Its why we need a burglar."

And with that the inn faded to black. But sadly this was only the start of it.

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Post by Mrs Figg Thu Apr 17, 2014 11:57 pm

lol! 

dont forget the weirdly unconvincing small cgi Thorin?  Wink
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Post by Eldorion Fri Apr 18, 2014 12:02 am

Thank for for taking the plunge back into PJ's world of madness, Petty! :cheers:This reminds that I need to finish Glitched though.
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Post by halfwise Fri Apr 18, 2014 12:03 am

it's baack! :carrot: 

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Post by Pettytyrant101 Fri Apr 18, 2014 12:06 am

This reminds that I need to finish Glitched though.- Eldo

Um, Glitched is not finished yet, but its not stalled either, its just not finished, well written down, but the general outline of what I think will be the last two parts is in my head, somewhere."

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Post by Eldorion Fri Apr 18, 2014 12:54 am

I'm afraid I've fallen behind the updates, though I've seen you posting in the thread. Embarassed I'll pop over there when I have the chance, though!
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Post by bungobaggins Fri Apr 18, 2014 1:50 am

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Post by bungobaggins Fri Apr 18, 2014 2:06 am

Just then the psychic hobbit waitress reappeared with the meal Gandalf had not ordered. But he too reacted as if he had anyway and accepted it and began eating, so it was lucky really the bad guys had lacked the wit to just poison them both.

Just a nitpick here. Gandalf does catch the waitress as she walks by and says, "I'll have the same." So he does order the food. Smile

Other than that, good start. Thumbs Up

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Post by Ringdrotten Fri Apr 18, 2014 11:58 am

"they will only preposterously do as i say if I have the bling." lol!


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Post by malickfan Fri Apr 18, 2014 12:27 pm

Great Start Petty, good point about The Hobbits, it's kinda odd there are so many rehashes of LOTR yet so many contradictions...can't wait to see what you make of Beorn...

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Post by Pettytyrant101 Fri Apr 18, 2014 1:07 pm

Good catch Bungo- and you are right he does- Ill need to adjust that  Mad 

And thanks everyone more to come as I feel strong enough to suffer it!

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Post by Tinuviel Fri Apr 18, 2014 2:34 pm

Said Hobbit waitress is in fact PJ's daughter...so I don't think she's a hobbit. She was much to tall to be one I thought, though I guess she just has a hobbity look about her. Maybe she's a bir-racial waitress?  Shrugging 

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Post by halfwise Fri Apr 18, 2014 3:36 pm

malickfan wrote:Great Start Petty, good point about The Hobbits, it's kinda odd there are so many rehashes of LOTR yet so many contradictions...can't wait to see what you make of Beorn...

That whole Beorn thing was so painful I think I'd even cut it out in a satirical rewrite.  How could they hire an actor with known magnetism to play a character with an oversize personality, and then proceed to give him all the screen presence of a gerbil?  (less in fact).  It's just baffling.

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Post by Radaghast Fri Apr 18, 2014 4:02 pm

Looking forward to more installments of "The Desolation of Script".

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Post by Eldorion Fri Apr 18, 2014 6:27 pm

Tinuviel wrote:Said Hobbit waitress is in fact PJ's daughter...so I don't think she's a hobbit. She was much to tall to be one I thought, though I guess she just has a hobbity look about her. Maybe she's a bir-racial waitress?  Shrugging 

IIRC she was wearing the same sort of outfit that most of the Hobbit women we've seen were. Also, both of PJ's kids played Hobbits in FOTR, although they also had cameos as humans in TTT and ROTK.
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Post by azriel Fri Apr 18, 2014 7:14 pm

Sharp wit & a sprinkling of cynicism, enough sarcasm to fool an idiot, Great stuff Petty !  Laughing  Very Happy  Razz

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Post by Mrs Figg Sat Apr 19, 2014 5:44 pm

moar!
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Post by Pettytyrant101 Sat Apr 19, 2014 5:48 pm

Its on the way!

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Post by Mrs Figg Sat Apr 19, 2014 7:11 pm

Thumbs Up 
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Post by bungobaggins Sun Apr 20, 2014 2:07 am

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Post by David H Sun Apr 20, 2014 2:24 am

I love these, Petty. They've remind me why I don't neeed to watch AUJ and DoS for a very long time, except as edited.

Pettytyrant101 wrote:"Yes," confirmed Gandalf, "everything is being created and changed all around us at any moment,

And this explains the older, tireder Gandalf of TH better than anything else I can think of!

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Post by azriel Sun Apr 20, 2014 12:12 pm

Yeah, he did look past his bedtime in TH didnt he  Smile

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Post by Forest Shepherd Sun Apr 20, 2014 9:22 pm

Oh sweet, I didn't know this was up yet!

Edit:
Oh curses, it's only one entry so far.

Oh well, "more to come."

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Post by Pettytyrant101 Sun Apr 20, 2014 11:41 pm

Yes, its definitely under the 'coming soon' category....

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Post by Mrs Figg Sun Apr 20, 2014 11:44 pm

well get on with it then  Mad 
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