An Unexpected Journey as seen by Petty Tyrant

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Post by Pettytyrant101 Thu Sep 26, 2013 11:49 pm

An Unexpected Journey- as seen by Petty Tyrant
Available at last in book form! The book of the film of the book!


Prologue. Part 1

In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit. But that was in another medium and was much better than this tale.

This tale begins in the future where an elderly Bilbo, noticeably more elderly in appearance than he will in fact be that very same night at his birthday party, opens a chest  he has not opened for many years, there being no plot purpose to have done so.

“My, my!” thought Bilbo as he looked into his chest, “My mind must be growing fuzzy indeed, why there is my mail shirt that Thorin gave to me,” he paused, considered a moment and then added, “pending last minute changes,” he reached out a hand towards the shirt, “I could have sworn I had leant this to Michel Delving mathom house,” he paused again and frowned, “oh dear, I really am out of sorts this morning, there is no such place. All hobbits live in Hobbiton around one small pond, there are no other places in the Shire except a few outlying farms that are put there to makes walks in the country look aesthetically pleasing.”

He shook his head again, causing his wig, which by afternoon he would have replaced with a much more convincing one, to roll on his head. He reached out his hand again and it hovered uncertainly over a sword that lay atop some old books and parchments in the depths of the chest, “Now what?” he thought annoyed as his hand trembled over the weapon, “why in all Hobbiton am I doing that? I'm not going to need a sword, I was planning on doing some writing. Anyone would think it was just to highlight it for dramatic purposes as it will come up later in the story and link it to events in my future that haven't happened yet,” suddenly his hand jerked forward and he clasped the thing he had actually come into the chest for, his Journal, the Red Book.

He took the book over to his writing table which was before the window and was about to take up his quill when he heard a noise behind him, he spun in his chair, “burglars!” he thought worried.
Frodo emerged from the pantry.

“Frodo my lad!” Bilbo cried suprised, “I had no idea you had been dragged into this too, what are you doing here?”

Frodo hesitated, a piece of cheese halfway to his mouth, “I'm not sure, I think I'm just supposed to be here, I was the main character in the last one you see, but it hasn't happened yet, but I felt like I should be here anyway.” He smiled a half smile, not daring risking a full smile as it would crack his make-up and show up all the lines on his face that made him look twenty years older than he would later that evening at the party. “I think I will go out and wait for Gandalf arriving,” Frodo said heading for the round front door., “and read this book,” he said holding up a book, “see, its the same book,” he said and winked.

“The same as what?” Bilbo retorted annoyed at the clumsiness of everything around him, “Do as you please,” he called after Frodo, “It doesn't matter. I'll have completely forgotten all about having this conversation by the time Gandalf arrives. In fact,” he added as Frodo went outside into the warm New Zealand air, brought to you by the New Zealand tourist board, “I probably wont even remember you left at all, even though I was surprised to find you here in the first place, indeed I wouldn't be surprised if I end up calling out for you to answer the door like an old fool. Off you go then lad.”

Frodo ran off down the Hill happy in the knowledge he had done his bit and could cash the cheque when he got home.

Bilbo went back to his study and got back in his chair, which took him a few attempts as it was far to high for a hobbit. But once perched at his desk he took up his quill with a sharp dip in the inkwell and prepared to write, “Where to start?” he mused, “ah I know I will write a full account of what really happened on my travels, I shall write it for Frodo. Now let me see, where should I begin?”

But he did not know where to begin because the narrator normally skipped this bit and could not remember the order.

“I think I should start with the history of Erebor,” Bilbo mused a little unsure.

“Well,” the narrator replied, “that doesn't sound at all like the right place to start this tale to me, its surely foreshadowing your own tale when it would much better for these things to come out naturally at the proper place in the telling of it.”

“Nonsense,” muttered Bilbo rather crossly, “I'm in this thing for more than long enough as it is, the quicker I can get through this clumsy information dump and out of here the better.”

And with determination he set pen to paper on the history of Erebor.


Last edited by Pettytyrant101 on Sat Sep 28, 2013 3:46 am; edited 1 time in total

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Post by Ringdrotten Fri Sep 27, 2013 4:12 am

“I probably wont even remember you left at all, even though I was surprised to find you here in the first place, indeed I wouldn't be surprised if I end up calling out for you to answer the door like an old fool. Off you go then lad.

Hadn't even thought about this, but it's stupid now that I see it - funny writing, though Laughing Thank god for edits Nod

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Post by Pettytyrant101 Fri Sep 27, 2013 11:04 am

Thanks Ringdrotten. Sadly that was just the tip of the stupid iceberg, and I shall expose it all! Twisted Evil 

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Post by Mrs Figg Fri Sep 27, 2013 12:57 pm

''as Frodo went outside into the warm New Zealand air, brought to you by the New Zealand tourist board''

Laughing  so true
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Post by Pettytyrant101 Fri Sep 27, 2013 4:06 pm

Bilbo turned to a blank page and found an old sketch of his younger self between the sheets of paper, “Well,” he said looking at it, “I'm not the hobbit I once was,” he squinted closer at the picture, “In fact I don't even have the same bone structure,” he squinted even more and brought the picture more into the light from the window, “I would even go as far as to say,” he mused to himself, “that I'm pretty sure that's a picture of someone else altogether.”
He threw the picture in his waste-paper basket and took up his quill again and set it to paper.

Long ago,” wrote Bilbo, “in the Lonely Mountain, the greatest dwarf kingdom there ever was, if you forgot about Moria which they apparently had, there was an unexpected boom in the sale of dragon shaped kites in the town of Dale at the Mountains foot.

Sadly although dwarves study the omens closely they completely missed this one as by a strange coincidence that very day, a bright sunny one it was, the dragon Smaug descended upon the mountain.

Fortunately for everyone this Smaug was trying very hard to not let anyone see him, or get a good look at him, and so he hardly bothered killing many people and almost everyone got away, except for the King Under the Mountain, who met his end trying to get to the Arkenstone, a great jewel, that needed foreshadowing and highlighted for plot use in three films time.

As all of this calamity was going on Thranduil King of the Elves arrived upon his giant moose with his army. He had planned to attend the King Under the Mountain two weeks earlier but had not accounted for the difficulty in riding a giant moose with a twenty foot antler span through a dense forest, and it had taken the elves a little longer to arrive than expected.

And now Thranduil was put out, he had aligned his elves along the top of a dramatic ridge, with the sun behind him, and he knew he looked fantastic atop his giant moose, with his armour shining like a demented disco ball in the light of the sun. He had held his army back for three hours just to wait for the sun to be in the right place.

And now no one was paying him the slightest bit of attention at all, just because a dragon was attacking.

Thranduil scowled, threw a small tantrum in his saddle and turned his troops around and back into the forest, where the moose got stuck.

All the dwarves fled the Mountain and the wrath of the dragon, even though no one had got a good look at the beast yet.

And  just in case anyone might get the wrong idea and might think the dwarves just want to go back and kill the dragon and get all their stuff back I should mention they wandered forty days and forty nights in the wilderness after being driven out and were exiled from their homelands. Just to be clear about that. It was a noble desire, not a greedy one, greed has nothing to do with this ok? And don't even mention the seven dwarf rings because no one else is going to. Just leave it.


Bilbo stretched in his chair, he still was not sure he had started at the right point, so instead he turned to a new page and began all over again.

In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit,” he wrote, and felt good about that opening, so continued on, “not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell, it was a hobbit hole and that means all the comforts of home,” Bilbo paused a moment, he felt less certain about that last bit, so he added a list of all the comfortable things he could think of and then read the whole thing back.

“No, no!” he thought, “the rhythm is all wrong and it doesn't scan properly. And why, if I am writing this to Frodo am I even telling him all this stuff? He is a hobbit, he already lives in a hole,”

Bilbo shook his head, annoyed with himself, “Bugger this,” he thought and slammed the book shut, “I'll probably just start the whole thing again anyway in about an hours time  in a new book, written for all the ages, and with a better beginning like, Concerning Hobbits,” he clambered down carefully from his high stool, “I'm going out for a smoke,” he thought and collecting his pipe from its box and a pouch of Old Toby with whom he had struck an advertising deal, he went outside to sit on his bench.

Carefully he filled his pipe, lit it and leant back in his chair remembering a time long ago, when he looked completely different, and when a visitor had paid an unexpected visit.

“Is this my bit over,” old Bilbo thought as he faded into the main story properly and completely changed appearance, “thank god for that. Never call me again Peter!”


Last edited by Pettytyrant101 on Fri Sep 27, 2013 5:24 pm; edited 1 time in total

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Post by Pettytyrant101 Fri Sep 27, 2013 5:07 pm

Chapter One
An Unexpected Disaster
Young Bilbo, get used to him he is going to be the main one from now on, leant back in his seat and closed his eyes and exhaled a plume of smoke.

A few seconds later it shot straight up his right nostril and he started, choking and spluttering. When he had sufficiently recovered from his coughing fit he noticed, through watery streaming eyes, a tall figure in a pointy hat standing towering over him.

“Did you just blow smoke right up my nose?” Bilbo demanded angrily.

“Who me?” said the mysterious stranger with an air of innocence.  And the thing about this mysterious stranger, the very thing that made him mysterious in fact, was that everyone knew who he was.

“Oh,” said Bilbo, “Well, Good Morning.”

“Could we perhaps skip the good morning stuff?” the mysterious stranger asked leaning on his staff.

“Pardon? Why?”

“Because I had a look into the near future and it seems we just do the set up, we leave off the ending where I break all the rules of polite society and call you out on your use of good morning, and you become so embarrassed and flustered you invite me round for tea and scuttle inside your hole.”

“Oh,” Bilbo said again, somewhat deflated, “we don't do that?”

“No,” the stranger said with a shake of his head,”so you see I did not think it was really worth the bother of doing the whole rigmarole of the set up if there is no pay off on it, do you?”

“Well, no,” Bilbo agreed, “so what should I say?” he frowned.

“Just go to the bit where you ask my name, that will at least bring you up to speed with everyone else on that score,” the mysterious stranger said.

“Ok,” Bilbo agree, “Who are you? I don’t believe I know your name.”

“Yes you do,” the stranger replied, “you have just forgotten I belong to it. I am Gandalf, and that means me?”

Bilbo started in amazement, “Why, not Gandalf that everyone already knows everything about and whose entire sense of mystery that is such a part of this entire story is completely ruined because of?”

“I am he,” Gandalf replied smiling, “and now you will go on an adventure with me. It might be good for you, but probably not for your career as this script is a long way from Sherlock, and it will be amusing for me, because I couldn't give a rats arse any more and they are delivering my wages in truck loads just for agreeing to come back at all.”

“An adventure!” Bilbo said, realising this must be his new cue to get flustered and run indoors, “we don't want any adventures here today thank you. Good morning!” he turned to go in but  paused and said, “Hey you were right, the whole good morning thing in this is totally pointless,” and then hurried inside and slammed the door shut, locked it and stood  panting with his back against it and his arms outstretched as if to bar it.

After a few quiet seconds he heard a soft scratching sound on the other side of the door.

Outside the old wizard was scratching a symbol into the green painted wood. He had been planing to leave the official secret dwarven symbol that denoted this was the abode of a burglar for hire, but instead he opted just to scrawl in elvish (which would wind up the dwarves) “Gandalf was 'ere,” chuckling to himself as he did so.

The scratching stopped and Bilbo on the other side of the door held his breath and then crept softly to the window beside the door. Cautiously he looked out and was confronted by the large eye ball of the wizard staring menacingly back in. With a start of fright Bilbo withdrew and then had go get a paper bag to breath into until teatime.


Last edited by Pettytyrant101 on Wed Oct 02, 2013 10:12 am; edited 1 time in total

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Post by Mrs Figg Fri Sep 27, 2013 5:48 pm

'As all of this calamity was going on Thranduil King of the Elves arrived upon his giant moose with his army. He had planned to attend the King Under the Mountain two weeks earlier but had not accounted for the difficulty in riding a giant moose with a twenty foot antler span through a dense forest, and it had taken the elves a little longer to arrive than expected'

lol!  I had never thought of that
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Post by Mrs Figg Fri Sep 27, 2013 5:53 pm

'and now you will go on an adventure with me. It might be good for you, but probably not for your career as this script is a long way from Sherlock'

No  Bugger Boyens
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Post by Pettytyrant101 Sat Sep 28, 2013 2:44 am

Indeed Figg indeed! But glad you are enjoying this.





That evening Bilbo sat down at his dining table to eat his dinner. He looked down at it, a single fish with some potatoes on the side, and wondered if maybe when he had gutted it before cooking he should also have taken the head and tail off as well, and maybe filleted it.

He tentatively took up his knife and fork and tried to work out where to begin on the scaly body, its dark fish eye staring blankly and dolefully up at him from the plate.

He was saved from the decision by a shrill ringing on his front door bell.

Annoyed Bilbo got up and answered it. A figure was standing there, taller than Bilbo, and broader, with bare muscular arms.

“Dwalin at yir service,” the figure said by way of introduction, “Um a late?” the figure asked in a broad west coast of Scotland accent.

“Late?” Bilbo asked puzzled as Dwalin pushed by him into the hallway.

“Right, wir's the munchies an aw the buckie at then?” Dwalin asked clapping his hands together, and espying Bilbo's dinner proceeded to eat it crunching the head bones in his mouth grotesquely.

"Ahh," thought Bilbo, "so that why I didn't fillet it. I should have known it would just be for a cheap bit of comedy gruesomeness," he shook his head in dismay.

There was another ring at his door bell and Bilbo stomped to it and pulled the door open, there was another person standing there nosing the air, “Balin,” this one said also in broad Scots, “at yir service.”

He too stepped over the threshold, much to Bilbo's dismay and confusion, “Who are you people?” Bilbo demanded but he got no answer as Balin saw Dwalin and the two came together, embraced and then proceeded to give each other a Glasgow kiss in the middle of the hall.

“Oh!” Bilbo declared, understanding dawning, “You're Scotshobbits!”

“Naw,” Dwalin replied firmly in a Glaswegian accent, “Wi're noo.”

Before Bilbo could argue there came yet another ring at the door bell, this time is was two young Scotshobbits, or so he thought, “Fili and Kili” they said stepping inside.

“You dont sound like Scotshobbits,” Bilbo noted.

“Scotshobbits?” Fili said, or it might have been Kili, “of course not. We are dwarves.”

“Dwarves!” Bilbo cried out incredulously and then burst out laughing, only stopping when he saw the looks on his guests faces, “But you can't be, “ Bilbo insisted, “I am only a hobbit but even I know Dwarves are famous for their beards. And I have more hair on my arse cheeks than you two do on both your faces combined.”

“We're modern dwarves,” Kili said haughtily, or it might have been Fili, “we can strut, preen, stare moodily and if the occasion demands pull comical faces.”

Fili and Kili joined the others in a noisy welcome and then they all proceeded to start rearranging Bilbo's furniture.

There was an even louder ring on his door bell.

“If this is more Scottish dwarves,” Bilbo grumbled as he hurried to the door, “they can go to buggery!”

He pulled open the door fiercely and a pile of bodies fell in, standing over all of them was Gandalf smiling.

“I bet someone important is underneath all those bodies,” Bilbo said, indicating the heap on top of which a very fat dwarf had landed.

“No,” replied Gandalf, “just Ori, and I think you will find he is not the important one, just the annoying one.”

“Oh,” Bilbo said feeling slightly let down for some reason, “Well you'd better come in then and finish wrecking my home.”

And wreck his home they did, they raided his pantry, stood on his tables, drank all his buckie and made out of place rude innuendos about croquet balls.

And then they all burst into song as they cleared up the dishes, and Bilbo really did think they were going to smash all his crockery as the song implied, and was not sure how they did not, as almost everything they did looked, to Bilbo's hobbit eye, physically impossible at worse and highly unlikely at best, as dishes flowed in perfect synchronicity through the air, bouncing of elbows, heads and heels and never suffering a mark.

When all was done Bilbo stood before his empty pantry and looked upon its now bare shelves and wondered where all his other pantries had got to.

Suddenly there as a loud banging on the door and the room fell quite.

“He's here,” Gandalf said in a low and ominous tone and everyone looked at the door instead of going to open it.

“Who is?” Bilbo asked hoarsely.

“The important one!” Gandalf replied annoyed, “Didn't I make that obvious enough with the silence and the ominous declaration?”

“Sorry,” Bilbo replied meekly and went to answer the door.

He opened it to a dwarf, well so it was called despite appearances, dressed in black leathers and with a very neat, short black beard. He did not look very old either.

“May I introduce Thorin Oakenshield,” Gandalf said, “The leader of our Company.”

“So this is the burglar is it?” Thorin said taking in Bilbo, “Can you use a sword?”

“What sort of a bloody stupid question is that?” Bilbo retorted, “I'm a hobbit, dwarves see hobbits all the time, the road to the Blue Mountains goes right through the Shire, how many hobbit have you seen with a sword then? Come on?” Bilbo demanded.

“Well,” Thorin said faltering, “None now you come to mention it.”

“Well then! And whatever the hell you are doing here I'm pretty sure you didn't come here to hire a hobbit as a warrior,” Bilbo concluded and then pointed at Dwalin, “Besides he couldn't be more the stereotypical looking warrior in the group if you had 'warrior' tattooed across his forehead.”

Thorin looked annoyed and turned his anger on Gandalf, “I nearly didn't find this place, do you know how many hobbit holes there are in Hobbiton at the top of the only hill with a green door and a magic sign on it?”

“Yes,” replied Gandalf, “One, this one.”

Thorin frowned and stomped into the dining room and took his seat at the table and the others joined him.

“Now,” said Gandalf, “let us get down to business.”

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Post by Eldorion Sat Sep 28, 2013 9:16 am

Ringdrotten wrote:“I probably wont even remember you left at all, even though I was surprised to find you here in the first place, indeed I wouldn't be surprised if I end up calling out for you to answer the door like an old fool. Off you go then lad.

Hadn't even thought about this, but it's stupid now that I see it - funny writing, though :lol:Thank god for edits Nod
Me neither. Laughing Now I feel like a really inattentive viewer. No But this is great stuff so far Petty, and I'll catch up with all of it tomorrow. Nod
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Post by Eldorion Sat Sep 28, 2013 9:26 am

Also, I need to rewatch the movie. Your point about the "good mornings" has got me thinking but I can't remember exactly how the scene plays out.
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Post by halfwise Sat Sep 28, 2013 12:26 pm

I think I see a runaway classic in the making. Petty, this could be a publishing phenomena. Nod  When all done (though great labor it will be) I don't think it should be confined to this group. Sure, we've had lots of fantastic writing here, but most has either been peppered with inside jokes or too far afield for the world at large. But I think the world at large is annoyed enough at The Nobbit that this would find a place.

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Post by Ringdrotten Sat Sep 28, 2013 1:35 pm

"I am Gandalf, and that means me?"

I take it the question mark means that I'm not the only one who wasn't happy with how Sir Ian delivered that line?

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Post by Ringdrotten Sat Sep 28, 2013 1:48 pm


“He's here,” Gandalf said in a low and ominous tone and everyone looked at the door instead of going to open it.


lol!

halfwise wrote:I think I see a runaway classic in the making.  Petty, this could be a publishing phenomena. Nod   When all done (though great labor it will be) I don't think it should be confined to this group.  Sure, we've had lots of fantastic writing here, but most has either been peppered with inside jokes or too far afield for the world at large.  But I think the world at large is annoyed enough at The Nobbit that this would find a place.
I think Halfwise is on to something here. We've seen that there's a market for Hobbit parodies (Paul's parody is translated into German and Russian already), and like Halfy said, there are enough people out there who aren't happy with how the hobbit turned out who'd probably get a good laugh from reading this. And who better to write this book than you? Working on your edits you must see these scenes over and over again, and you're bound to notice all the inconsistencies and stupidities that are easy to miss if you only watch them once or twice, and you write well too. It would take a lot of time writing it all out, but the end product might be worth it Smile Just a thought, though, no pressure Laughing

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Post by Mrs Figg Sat Sep 28, 2013 2:09 pm

'Thorin looked annoyed and turned his anger on Gandalf, “I nearly didn't find this place, do you know how many hobbit holes there are in Hobbiton at the top of the only hill with a green door and a magic sign on it?”

Laughing 

I agree. this is the best parody of the film I have read.
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Post by Pettytyrant101 Sat Sep 28, 2013 4:07 pm

Embarassed You guys!

Glad its hitting the mark though- more to come!

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Post by halfwise Sat Sep 28, 2013 4:13 pm

Better yet, you'll get three books out of it. Keep plugging along, my lad. I see gold at the end of the tunnel. king 

(I'm also rather partial to the title "the Nobbit")

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Post by malickfan Sat Sep 28, 2013 4:22 pm

How about 'The Hobbit? Notit' (that sounded funnier in my head)

Anyway Petty...this is BRILLIANT!!!

Can't wait for The Fork Monster and Radghastly...

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Post by halfwise Sat Sep 28, 2013 7:47 pm

And the Scrotum King.

(who despite looking like he would drool and splutter enunciates with theatrical clarity).

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Post by Pettytyrant101 Sat Sep 28, 2013 8:06 pm

“Let us have some light” Gandalf said to Bilbo as he sat down and produced a map from under his grey robe.

“What the hell did you do to my lamps?” Bilbo demanded, “There was loads of light in here five minutes ago when you were eating all my food.”

Still grumbling Bilbo went off and returned bearing a lamp.

He hung it above Gandalf and peered at the map, “The Lonely Mountain” he read, “Is that a dragon?” he added pointing at the red drawing of a dragon next to the mountain.

“Now Bilbo!” Gandalf admonished, “Don't go noticing things ahead of the script, we will get to that, forget you saw it.”

“We can take the mountain back” the young Ori squeaked getting to his feet.

“Yes,” Kili agreed, or it could have been Fili, and also stood.

“We'll kick butt!” Ori squaked annoyingly.

“We are warriors,” Fili announced, or it might have been Kili again, and thumped his feet and punched the air, “Arroooga!” he cried and all the other dwarves got to their feet and shouted rhubarb at one another.

“No,no!” Gandalf said standing up and raising his arms, “this is worse than the Council of Elrond, when it happens, in years to come. Anyone would think we didn't know how to have a conversation involving more than three people without just reducing it to everyone shouting,” he sat back down with a dark frown, “Now, if you look carefully at this map you will notice there is a secret door marked on it,” he pointed at the map and then prodcuced a key, “ and this key.”

“Where did you get that?” Thorin demanded.

“Its not important,” replied Gandalf, “As they cut it out, although it might appear in the next film but God knows how they will shoehorn it in there. All that matters is we have a door and a key.”

“And a dragon,” Bilbo said under his breath.

"Be quiet Bilbo!” Ganalf snapped.

“If there's a door there is way in,” Balin said.

“And a way out,” Bilbo added.

“Shut up Bilbo,” Gandalf frowned,” yes Balin, a way IN, and Smaug knows the smell of dwarf, but he does not know hobbit. And hobbits can move almost silently when they want to.”

“So that's why we need a burglar!” Ori exclaimed pointing out the obvious.

“Yes, you will,” agreed Bilbo as they all stared at him, he had been through a trying evening and wasn't at his sharpest, ordinarily he would have noticed all the burglar references since the evening had begun, but not this time, so instead he had to do a comic double take before it dawned on him they were referring to him.

“Oh no!” he said waving his arms before himself, “I've never stolen anything, we even paid for the rights to this adaptation, atlhough God knows why we bothered. But I am not a burglar.”

At this announcement all the Dwarves again got to their feet and shouted rhubarb until Gandalf stood and roared “If I say he is a burglar, a burglar he is!” and the room darkened dramatically, although for seem reason it did not seem quite as impressive as expected, as if everyone had seen it before in better circumstance and used to better effect.

“Right,” said Thorin to Balin, “give him the contract.”

Balin handed Bilbo a folded sheet of parchment, that when Bilbo took it unravelled sideways as well as pages and pages unrolling to the floor.

“Oh very fucking funny,” Bilbo said shaking his head, “wind up the new guy. Where's the real contract?”

“That is it laddie,” Balin said nodding.

“But its mainly just a huge list of comical and gruesome ways I could die, 'laceration?'” he read,  “Dismemberment? Incineration!?” he said reading it out and then scanned down the pages, “at least there seems no danger of me dying from falling from high places, its not on here,” he said looking up.

For some reason everyone looked embarrassed and stared at the ground, “So what is going to incinerate me then?” Bilbo asked, following Gandalf's instruction to pretend he had not noticed the big red dragon drawn on the map next to the mountain.

“Ah” said Bofur, peering out form beneath his hat which he had won in a bet with a horse wrangler from the steppes of Russia,” that would be Smaug.”

“Smaug the Magnificent! Smaug the Golden!” Bilbo exclaimed.

“No,” Bofur replied, “um, Smaug the Terrible.”

“Somehow that doesn't sound as bad,” Bilbo commented.

“Yeah well, “Bofur rallied, “he can strip the flesh off your bones in a blink of an eye. One poof like  Gandy there, and your ash.”

“Oh dear,” said Bilbo, “I can feel another comedy double take coming on,” he bent over and clasped his knees breathing deeply, “No its ok,” he added, then did a comedy double take and passed out on the floor.

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Post by Tinuviel Sun Sep 29, 2013 12:51 am

GOLD PETTY!!!!!!!!!! Especially the bit about not dying from falling from high places. PLEASE consider what everyone's been saying; finish it and publish it!

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Post by Pettytyrant101 Sun Sep 29, 2013 2:27 am

Thank you yer Maj! For now, i'll just keep writing and see it where it takes (given whats its based on, nowhere good I'll wager Mad )

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Post by bungobaggins Sun Sep 29, 2013 2:31 am



I was very disappointed when those so-called Tolkien experts made no mention of Bilbo being the "luck number." That's something I always remembered from the book, and they even put it in the Rankin/Bass cartoon! grrrrrrrr Maybe it was "too childish" for them. Mad

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Post by Eldorion Sun Sep 29, 2013 3:23 am

This is some of your best comedy writing I've seen, Petty, and you've always been really sharp with your sense of humor. Very Happy I can't wait to see more! lol!
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Post by Pettytyrant101 Sun Sep 29, 2013 4:23 am

Thanks Eldo. Admins wish is my command. More it is.




Bilbo sat in a comfortable armchair in his study and sipped a cup of tea to calm himself back down.

Gandalf prowled the room, “What happened to that young adventurous hobbit who used to go out late catching fireflies and getting muddy knees?” Gandalf demanded.

“You just described every child anywhere ever,” Bilbo pointed out, “Besides he grew up, same as everyone else.”

“The world is not in your maps Bilbo,” Gandalf said.

“What bloody maps?” Bilbo retorted, “Have you seen a single map here? And even if I did have an interest in maps how the hell would you know? You've only just met me and you've never asked. Anyone would think you were basing that on knowledge of a future me who had a well known interest in maps,” he concluded.

“Did you know Bullroarer Took was so big he could ride a horse?”

“Well of course I do, everyone knows that, it's why he is bloody famous, what the hell is your point?”

“That every good story deserves some embellishment,” Gandalf said.

“That's pretty blood cheeky considering this mess we are in,” Bilbo responded.

“Listen to me,” Gandalf bristled, “you are going on this adventure and that is that.”

“I, am a Baggins, of Bag End,” Bilbo said emphatically, “And as such I deserve to be in a much better adaptation than this.”

He got up out of his chair and went to the door, “I'm sorry Gandalf, but you've got the wrong Hobbit, I dont even recognise what this is,” and walked out to go sit in the cupboard under the stairs before remembering he didn't have any stairs.

Instead he found a secluded corner spot near the kitchen fire and watched as the dwarves began to sing, one by one they joined in the deep harmonies, getting to their feet. Singing, in complete contradiction to what Bilbo would one day put in his journal, of the night attack of the dragon upon the Lonely Mountain.

Bilbo was deeply moved by the song despite later changing it to day light in a full on flashback, and had visions of far off mountains and places as he listened. It really was quite good and worth dwelling on as it was the best scene in the whole thing so far and Bilbo had a strong feeling everything would go downhill very quickly from here on in, so he made the most of it.

Eventually the song ended, the embers on the fire burned low and Bilbo went to bed.

The next morning he got up, dressed and wandered out of his bedroom.

All was still and quiet. There was no sign of the dwarves.

“Good,” he thought, and went into the kitchen to prepare his first breakfast, having forgotten there was no food left in the hole.

He notice a folded parchment sitting on the table and glancing at it he saw that it was the contract he had been offered, lying open at the page which required his signature.

He started at, remembering the vision of the mountains and adventure the song had provoked, but then there was breakfast, and he fancied going down the pub later.

“What I really need now,” Bilbo said aloud, “is for someone to come through that door right now and give me a shove out of it to get me going, otherwise I probably wont bother as I haven't been given anything like the motivation to go anywhere with those unpleasant dwarves.”

He looked expectantly at the round front door down the hallway, but it remained stubbornly shut.

Bilbo frowned, “I said,” he said in a louder voice, “I could really do with someone to give me a nudge out of the door, like he would later claim to Frodo  he did.”

Still the front door remained stubbornly shut. “Oh bugger this!” Bilbo exclaimed in exasperation and grabbing the contract he signed it and opened his own front door before running outside in pursuit of Gandalf and the dwarves.


He hurried past the duck pond, waved at the tourists in the Green Dragon, even though it should be in Bywater, and ran past a startled extra leaning on a fence but who was delighted at the chance of a speaking part and more money, “Where are you off to Mr Baggins?” the extra asked, laying on the country accent nice and thick and telling himself the thousands he spent at RADA weren't wasted after all.

“I'm off on an adventure!” Bilbo cried out over his shoulder as he sped by, “At least I think I am, its it's all been terribly set up so far.”

And he disappeared over the crest of the hill.

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