Ancyent Odes and Fairy Rhymes

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Post by azriel Sun Jul 14, 2013 5:05 pm

lol! lol!  Only one difference twixt  us, I dont.....do.....ball recovery Smile   where they land is where they stay !
( mind you, the likeness between Kate & I is uncanny Suspect  )
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Post by Mrs Figg Sun Jul 14, 2013 6:07 pm

lol! that was brilliant

''Go and get your knackers, King,”
The shrew then did gaily gloat,
“See them on your oily moat -
Oh! There they go!
The fucking things don’t float!”

Laughing this is my favourite bit
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Post by Orwell Sun Jul 14, 2013 11:07 pm

What heartless shrews you are! Shocked It's supposed to make you lassies think more about your unsupportive attitudes! Mad 

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Post by The Archet Bugle Mon Jul 15, 2013 12:26 am

Red Riding Hood

by Claude Monet, Impressionist.


"Go and give your Grandma
this jar of pureed peaches,"
said Mother to her daughter dear,
as she lounged beneath the beeches.

The red haired lass - not fourty two -
pursed her lips and frowned,
"I was thinking of meeting Jessica
down the better end of town.

There's a new Cafe at the gym,
where all the Footy players go."
"I wish you would grow out of that,
You're almost fourty two, you know!

Now young Red Riding Hood,  
you must not be perverse,
Help your Mother at her chores...
Now where did I put my purse?

Oh here it is, I'll give you cash,
If only you'll do my bidding,
And please think of your poor Grandma
who is in the forest hidden."

"I always wonder why she lives
in that drab cottage in the trees?"
"That story's not for the young,
Let's not talk about it please.

Now, go and deliver this fruit,
I mashed to ease their passage,
Through poor old Granny's digestive track -
Oh yes, and extend to her this message:

'Granny don't forget to feed your puss,
But not cucumbers or cabana,
Or zuccinis - or other marrows -
nor small or large bananas,

For a puss needs sausages,  
as meat shall surely please him!'
Now daughter dear, after that,
You can head off down the gym,

To perve upon your brawny lads,
With brains the size of pins."
"But with the bodies of Adonis,"
Red commented with a grin.

Red Riding Hood, basket in hand,
Looked good in her slinky mini-skirt,
You'd never have thought her near fourty two,
But, then again, she'd never ever worked.

Off into the trees she staggered
in her high heels made by Prada,
"The little minx," her Mother said,
"she'll be the death of her Father!"

(Oh yes, she wore a low cut top,
And stockings up her legs,
She might be almost fourty two,
But gosh she turned some heads).

Now Grandma lived in a dark forest,
Full of creatures fell and fat
from preying on lost children,
the foolish little twats.

As she entered that ancient
and somber evil wood,
A wolf was hiding in the trees,
He thought:
"My, she's lookin good."

"Why Hi," she said, when he jumped out
from behind a mossy trunk,
"Oh what a Big Bad Wolf you are,
But phew! you smell more like a skunk!"

The Big Bad Wolf was abashed,
As he smiffed his pulsing groin,
She was right, he knew, and all
his vulnerabilities were enjoined.

The wolf loped off, crestfallen,
Without even tasting her,
And he hid sadly in a prickly bush
having never said a word.

Red Hiding Hood was miffed a bit,
"Why that hairy creature was rude,
He hardly laid one eye on me,
And me whose dressed half nude!

That's no way for a Big Bad Wolf
to treat a girl not yet fourty two,
I expected him to eat me up -
But I shouldn't complain, it's true."  

So putting on a brave face
Red went wobbly through the woods,
Her high heels a peril on the path -
It being cool, she now took out a hood.

(She kept her hood in her Prada bag,
It was red and made of silk,
And when she wore it in the town
the older men would often wilt).

The wolf sat in his prickly bush,
His pride was wont to simmer,
"I know," he said, after a time,
"I'll go and have her Gran for dinner!"

And off he loped and before long
he was knocking on Grandma's door,
She opened it and smiled -
"Oh it's you again, sweet Claude."

And before too long that wolf he had
a mouthful of fishy muffin,
And they were banging like the clackers -
with Claude it was all or nothing.

When Red Riding Hood arrived
she heard all the grunts and groans,
The sighs, the cries, the squeals,
the shouts, the screams, the moans.

"Oh goodness me, what's happening?"
Red Riding asked no one,
And she burst into Grandma's cottage
and saw the wolf at his fun.

Grandma gave her a look
as if to freeze a hawk,
"Red Riding Hood, go away,
You filthy girl, don't gawk!"

And Red Riding Hood, she fled away,
Under elms and oaks and beeches,
And Grandma never minded that
she never got her peaches.



channelled by Wisey Banks
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Post by azriel Mon Jul 15, 2013 12:40 pm

Well ! thats ONE nursery Tale I wont be reading to MY grandkids ! you mucky devil ! Razz 

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Post by Mrs Figg Mon Jul 15, 2013 1:41 pm

Shocked  colour me even more disturbed.

lol! 
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Post by azriel Mon Jul 15, 2013 1:44 pm

Anymore & we;l be running OUT of colours ! Razz 

_________________
"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. It's the job that's never started as takes longest to finish.”
"There are far, far, better things ahead than any we can leave behind"
If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got

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Post by Orwell Tue Jul 16, 2013 12:20 am

Well, Roald Dahl wrote his "Revolting Rhymes" and I have just taken said Revulsion one step further... Nod

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Post by The Archet Bugle Tue Jul 16, 2013 2:02 am

THE DEVIL WOLF



Here be the tale of the Devil Wolf
Half Misogynist, half Horses Hoof,
For he liked the Ladies and the Laddies,
Which makes him all the worse the Baddie
in the eye of refined taste -
That’s Public Tory - Private Disgrace.

Three siblings were playing in a paddock,
Azriel, Julia and Orwell O’Neil-Craddock,
Their Mother ‘O’Neil’, their father ‘Craddock’
Which you’ll note doth rhyme with ‘paddock’. Very Happy 

Innocent (apparently) were those siblings, true,
Rolling about in the morning dew,
Azriel cried – after about thirty minutes –
“Let’s play ‘Mister Wolf’, come on, who’s in it?”

“I don’t know,” Orwell said, a bit scared,
“I don’t know, dear Sisters, if you’re aware,
But we’re playing in Devil Wolf Paddock,
(Where once Daddy stacked his faggots
So as to keep our hearth fire stoked),
I fear we would the Devil Wolf provoke.”

“Oh that old tale, it’s a pile of shit,”
Azriel cried – the Little Miss! –
“It’s just a story to scare little tots,
Why, Orwell dear, you are a clot!”

“Well, play the game if that’s your desire,”
Orwell cried, his face on fire,
“And if the Devil Wolf is ever called,
It’ll be your fault, not mine at all!”

Julia looked a bit cynical, and said,
“So you’ll be right even if you’re dead?”
“It’s the principle,” Orwell observed,
“But shut your face, you Little Turd!”

Now that was no way to treat your Sister,
But Orwell, at times, could be a Little Mister.
Julia could be a Little Miss, mind you,
“How I'd like to poke your eyes and blind you.”

“Sorry, Sis, I never meant to offend you,
It’s just this Game that's on our menu.”
“Don’t be a sook,” Azriel sighed
Standing there with rolled up eyes.

“Don’t be a chicken. Get behind and follow.”
“I’m not scared,” said Orwell, his words quite hollow.
“What’s the time, Mister Wolf ... or is it 'Miss'?”
Julia asked. - Orwell was heard to hiss:

“Of course it’s ‘Mister Wolf’ you freak,
“Enough of your Feminist Beak!”
“Will you two stop fighting,” Azriel ahoyed,
“Orwie! You sound just like that Scottish boy!

And you know how Julia hates that kid
With his wee kilt and his mouth so big.”
“’I’m not sure he’d agree with that,” said Orwie.
“Yeah,” Julia grumbled, “that’s his life story!”

“Now, now, this is no place for cheap shots,”
Azriel said, "Though I guess, whenever is it not?
Now start again, go on, proceed.”
“What’s the time ‘Mister Wolf?’” they say, indeed.

“Half past six,” Azriel cries.
“It’s only quarter past,” Orwell replies.
“Oh you idiot,” Julia shouts,
“Would you like me to knock you out?”

“Sorry,” Orwell answered, going red,
“Sorry, I just have that Devil Wolf in my head,
Oh maybe we should not play this game,
Why not play Doctors and Nurses, it’s all the same.”

“Shut it, you beastly boy, we are your kin,
And Mummy says it’s a Carnal Sin,
To play such naughty tactile games –
Orwie, you really should be ashamed.”

“Yes, Orwie,” Julia frowned quite big,
“You’re a filthy minded Little Pig!”
“You love that game, don’t try and fudge it,”
But then Orwell said – to change the subject –

“’What’s the time, I say?
Come on girls. You want to play!
“What’s the time? Azriel, Sis,
Four PM? Six past six?”

“Okay then,” Azriel said.
“We'll start again, Dickheads!”
“’What’s the time Mister Wolf?” say they
“Four PM,” Azriel says.    
   
“What’s the time?” they repeat the phrase,
“Five PM,” their Sister says.
“What’s the time?” the question raised.
“Six PM,” their Sister says.

“Does the day seem to be getting dark?
Is the day quickening?” Orwell asks.
“With every answer, Azzie, the day
Seems to be slipping away.”

“I don’t know, you may be correct,
Ask again and I’ll do a check.”
So Julia and Orwell say, “What’s the time?”
And poof! When Azzie says: “Half past nine”

The darkness comes, blacker than black,
“My goodness me, that’s quite a whack!"
Azriel says with troubled mind,
"It’s like it’s really half past nine!”

“What’s the time?” Julia naively asks.
“No, no, don’t answer, oh my poor weak heart!”
But Orwell’s attempt to stop the game is thwart,
By Azriel who by Dark Magic is now caught.

“Twelve PM,” she utters against her will,
And a sudden dark glimmer is on the hill -
The paddock was on a hill, I forgot to mention! –
And the siblings now were full of tension.

“Oooh,” said Julia, shivering and quivering,
“The wind is up and it feels so blithering!”
“It’s like an Arctic breeze, doth blow,”
Orwell gasps, wiping his nose.

“It’s all gone so dark,” Azriel whispers slow,
“And if I’m not mistaken: is that snow?”
“A Northern Winter falls in Summer,”
Julia groans, “Now that’s a bummer!”

“Well may you joke,” Orwell says all shrill,
“But I’m feeling all exposed on this hill.
Do I feel hungry eyes upon us all?
As if from eyes like chilled fire balls?”

“’Chilled fire balls?” Julia wants to know.
“Well, it doth rhyme, that’s all I know.”
“I’m scared, I’m scared,” Azriel now whines,
“Oh why did you ask yet again the time?”

“Well, I couldn’t help it,” Julia complained,
“There was a magic a’foot, I proclaim!”
“So your last query was not your fault?”
“It never is you stupid dolt!”

Azriel weeps, “How hard your words,
Julia, Orwie’s right, you are a turd.”
“This is not the time to fight,” Orwell begs,
“Oh look at my poor and shapely shaking legs!”

Then on the chill air a howl did rise,
And it may come as no surprise,
To know it was a howling wolfy beast,
Moving on the air down from the East.

“The Devil Wolf!” Orwell squealed, high pitched,
“Look what you’ve done, you stupid bitch!”
“Well, Azzie answered 'twelve PM' –
Which time is bad for I contend,

It to be the Witching Hour, we all know that,
Why Azzie, you are such a stupid stupid bat,
Why couldn’t you have said ‘eleven’?
Why oh why say ‘twelve’, good heavens!”

“I was caught by magic, that’s all I know,
Come on, you two, we better go.”
“What’s the point, we’re out of luck,”
Orwell wept. “I think we’re fucked.”


To be continued....
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Post by The Archet Bugle Tue Jul 16, 2013 4:14 am

THE DEVIL WOLF

Part the Second


An Bardic Disclaim:

Woe betide I continue this Rime
Without stopping for a brief time
To explain something about these siblings,
Of who thus far you've heard my dribblings.

Now you may think that they being young
Are as children by our standards sprung,
Alack - 'tis Yes and No, I say prithee,
For they lived in the Eighteenth Century,

When children were seen as Little Adults, true,
raised up on a peculiar set of Moral views,
Being old enough to enter marriage,
But not old enough to vote or drive a carriage.

So while young in a sense, and childlike,
They were old enough, those little tykes,
To be in an adventure just slightly ripe,
Well, very ripe - indeed, this very type. Very Happy 

...
 
Orwell's knees were knocking on the hill,
Feeling the brunt of twa kinds of chill,
Chill of soul and chill of skin,
Buffered by natural and unnatural wind!

"Surely we can do something, guys,"
Azriel muttered as they cried -
All three they cried bitter tears
Turned by ice into bitter spears,

Dropping down on the frozen grass,
That solidified like greenest glass,
"Surely we can do something," Julia groaned,
"At least can we make a break for home?"

"It's a Devil Wolf," Orwell yelled all mad
with fear and anger and feelings bad,
"I never wanted to play that game,
You know I'm not at all to blame."

"So you've won on principle," Julia cooed,
"Well, congrats you, you clever dude!"
"How do you find time for cynicism
When we all face such a cataclysm?"

Orwell asked, his heart a'pumping,
"I'd really love to give you a thumping,
But Julia, alas, I fear,
The Devil Wolf will soon be here."

And sure enough the beast was seen,
A shadowy form with eyes a'gleam.
"Oh we're in it for sure," Azriel wept,
"Just now I feel a bit inept,

I'm a brainy lass, good at Martial Arts,
Of fie! I curse, my cowardly heart."
"You could fight off the beast,"
Julia suggested, "Or try at least."

"Yes, I will," Azriel said finding her strength,
"I'm not some wimpy little wench!"
And so she faced the Wolf with dedication,
Off she marched with fedication.

(Fedication, if you don't know,
Is 'the dedication of females fighting foes',
And, no, it's not in books, you'll find,
But I swear I wasn't making up that Rhyme).

"Oh she's so brave," said Julia,
"She's braver than you, Orwie, by far!"
"Oh it's alright to spruik Feminism
but now you prefer that Old Fashioned Prism."

"Well, I'll not sit back and let her fight alone,
Go on, Orwie, you run off home,
While with my Sister I fight the beast,
Go on, run, you cowardly creep."

And Julia clenched her fists and stepped
down the hill her pride well kept.
Orwell now ran swiftly through the cold -
He almost always did what he was told!

"Devil Wolf. Hold ye still, say I!"
Azril cried, looking thet beast right in the eye.
"Yeah! Hold there. Our will be done!"
Julia said as she came to Sister,
they stood as one.

And Orwell even then did show his mettle
As he rushed home to hearth and kettle,
"If the girls ever come home to me,
I'll have prepared for them a cup of tea."

Now the Devil Wolf stopped, espied the girls,
Much impressed by their pretty curls,
He thought their dresses very neat,
And their determind faces sweet.

"Now, Lassies," that beast he grinned,
"Do you really think that you can win,
For am I not the Devil Wolf,
The 'Misogynist' the 'Horses Hoof'?

I take juicy prey at a whim,
Being not the least afraid of Sin,
Oh sweet Maidens, fight all you like,
It'll only give the Game more spice."

...

Now, we'll return to a certain Lad,
Who had reached home clearly glad,
"I really should be cross they sent me home,"
Said he as he worked in the kitchen all alone.

He cut some carrots and some meat,
Some celery, some potatoes and leeks,
He added pepper and some salt,
"After all," he said, "It's not my fault,

I mean, Julia sent me home,
And now I must stay, and all alone,
Until Mum and Dad get back from town,
Now, first to stir the stew around..."

...

"Oh dear! Oh dear!" Julia was sighing,
"The Devil Wolf's love was mystifying."
"Yes," Azriel had to agree, "Oh dear,
Should ever a boy love a girl so well, I fear?

I mean he's thoughtful, passionate and slow,
He reads my mind! He knows! He knows!"
"And once his wolf cloak fell away," Julia opined,
"It was a loving soul that we did find."

"But Misogynist, that's what you said,"
Azriel mused as she lay upon a bed
that by Magic the Devil Wolf had made,
Of warmest wool and silk and joyful braid.

Julia, more than satisified, added,
"Oh what lovely pillows, so padded!
"But Devil Wolf, as Azriel intimated,
You seemed not a Sexist when we mated."

"Oh no, that's just a joke I make, dear Lasses,
It gives a thrill to the Unlearned Masses,
You'll find that Women who I satisfy,
Find me thoughtful, hot and wry."

"Then are you not then half a Horses Hoof?
Not even a little twisted, Mister Wolf?"
"Oh no, that's true enough, and if you don't mind;
It's something Orwell is about to find...."
'
...

In the little cottage, Orwell sat,
With a hot meal on the hearth mat,
"Sad to lose my Sisters, oh woe! Oh woe!
But it was Julia who sent me home...

And they got their due, I'm afraid,
After insisting on that silly Game..."
And even as the boy had spoken,  
Slowly the cottage door creaked open.
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Post by azriel Tue Jul 16, 2013 12:52 pm

lol! 

So funny !!

We'll be alright Mrs Figg ! dont worry ! Wink 

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But Orwell ? pull yourself together man ! sheesh ! Rolling Eyes 

Ancyent Odes and Fairy Rhymes - Page 2 Orwell_zps402c441b

_________________
"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. It's the job that's never started as takes longest to finish.”
"There are far, far, better things ahead than any we can leave behind"
If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got

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Post by azriel Tue Jul 16, 2013 1:09 pm

Must say, THIS bothers me ?!

Ancyent Odes and Fairy Rhymes - Page 2 Wolfman_zps5c341ee3

But THIS bothers me MORE !

Ancyent Odes and Fairy Rhymes - Page 2 Wolfman1_zpsbed6b5d6

Can we nominate someone else ?.............................................................................................PLEASE !
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Post by Orwell Tue Jul 16, 2013 1:24 pm

Og Gawd ,Azriel! I see me alright.. but is that.. you...? Very Happy

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Post by azriel Tue Jul 16, 2013 1:30 pm

I fooking hope not !!! affraid  To get myself out of it, Id say it was Figgy ! but I like her ! so......................................Oh shit !

_________________
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"There are far, far, better things ahead than any we can leave behind"
If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got

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Post by Orwell Tue Jul 16, 2013 1:36 pm

When the were thing comes over me, I mistake all women - and some men - for Mrs Figg... Very Happy You know, the more I look at the pic the more dangerously erotic it becomes... Shocked 

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Post by azriel Tue Jul 16, 2013 1:39 pm

That doesnt bode well for poor Figgy !! ( must warn her !)

_________________
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Post by Orwell Tue Jul 16, 2013 1:52 pm

And anyone who I mistake for her. It's not pretty. I never remember anything when the evil Sin-curse is on me, but I do take photos. Nod

{{{Actually, I think it might be why Petty wears trousers when I visit him. He got a bit funny after one of my visits way back when... maybe I know why now... I'm not sure, though, as he stole my camera, that rotten Scottish camera thief! Mad }}}

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Post by Mrs Figg Tue Jul 16, 2013 2:34 pm

''And you know how Julia hates that kid
With his wee kilt and his mouth so big.”

lol! 
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Post by Mrs Figg Tue Jul 16, 2013 2:42 pm

I really enjoyed that Orwell. cheers 
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Post by Orwell Tue Jul 16, 2013 2:54 pm

What - those two lines? Or all of it? Laughing


{{{I don't think a certain Scotsman who can't be named has been here yet, Mrs Figg. Just as well, I guess. Very Happy }}}



{{{No! It's not Voldemort! Rolling Eyes }}}

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Post by Pettytyrant101 Tue Jul 16, 2013 3:03 pm

Damn it another thing I have got behind on reading- and I was so enjoying it- I shall get to the rest of it though (just in case your stuffs got good Orwell!- got to keep an eye on the competition afterall)

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Post by Orwell Tue Jul 16, 2013 3:11 pm

Err... I don't think you're missing out of anything in particular... or anything worth worrying about, Petty... my very good friend... Embarassed 

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Post by Pettytyrant101 Tue Jul 16, 2013 3:13 pm

Suspect 

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A Green And Pleasant Land

Compiled and annotated by Eldy.

- get your copy here for a limited period- free*

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1yjYiz8nuL3LqJ-yP9crpDKu_BH-1LwJU/view



*Pure Publications reserves the right to track your usage of this publication, snoop on your home address, go through your bins and sell personal information on to the highest bidder.
Warning may contain Wholesome Tales
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Post by Orwell Tue Jul 16, 2013 3:16 pm

My dear dear friend... Now don't trouble yourself. Off you go... Midsomer is waiting, surely? Nod No need to tarry needlessly here. No... Friend! Here - flower See! Friends! Embarassed

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Post by Pettytyrant101 Tue Jul 16, 2013 3:19 pm

Suspect Suspect Suspect Suspect 

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Pure Publications, The Tower of Lore and the Former Admin's Office are Reasonably Proud to Present-



A Green And Pleasant Land

Compiled and annotated by Eldy.

- get your copy here for a limited period- free*

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1yjYiz8nuL3LqJ-yP9crpDKu_BH-1LwJU/view



*Pure Publications reserves the right to track your usage of this publication, snoop on your home address, go through your bins and sell personal information on to the highest bidder.
Warning may contain Wholesome Tales
[/b]

the crabbit will suffer neither sleight of hand nor half-truths. - Forest
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