what sort of jokes can I get away with? [2]

Pettytyrant101 wrote:No one knows if your bum looks big or not Figg, its impossible to tell under all that bustle   

   thats why I like bustles

chris63 wrote:I was in the pub the other day when I saw Fred sat at one of the tables with an Emu and a Cat..... odd, I know. I didn't go over. I just watched them. Fred got a round of drinks in, brought them to the table, and the three of them drank up. Then the Emu got up, and got the next round in. They drank up. Then Fred got up again for the next round. Then the Emu again. Noticing that the Cat wasn't buying any rounds, I finally decided to go over to Fred, who was at the bar getting another round in.

"Fred," I said. "What's errr... what's going on, here?"

"Oh, it's a long story," he said. "But to cut it short; I found a magic lamp this morning, so I rubbed it and a genie popped out, declaring that I could have one wish."

"What did you wish for?" I asked.

"A bird with long legs and a tight pussy."

   oh ye gods

There was a letter on my doormat this morning with the words "do not bend" on it.

I thought, well how the fuck am I going to pick it up?

A man and a little boy go into the hairdresser's.

The man has his hair done and then sits the little lad in the chair.

"Now wait here when your finished, I'm just off to do some shopping." says the man and leaves without paying.

Two hours later, the little lad's still waiting, when the barber says, "I think your dad's forgotten you".

The little lad says, "He's not me dad, we just met outside and he asked me if I wanted a free haircut".

What does an elephant use as a vibrator?

An epileptic pig.

A clown in the circus goes running up to the Ring Master,
"Boss, come quick, Mandrake the Tattooed man has been hurt !!
Gads, how did that happen ?
Well, Matilda, the Fat Lady was being hoisted from her truck when the chains broke, & well, she landed on Zorch the sword swallower as he was having lunch & he coughed up a dagger! The dagger pierced the heart of Jo-Jo the dog faced boy, causing so much pain that he bit Mandrake on the foot, giving him an acute case of rabies.......they are calling it a Freak accident .

*sigh*

 

Talking about tattoo's



Why ?

chris63 wrote:Talking about tattoo's
..........
Why ?

Alcohol?  

    

chris63 wrote:Talking about tattoo's



Why ?

his mother must be so proud.

It runs in the family apparently.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra

A 93 year old man is sat on the kerb crying, a
passerby asks "whats up?" The old man moans "I'm 93,married to a 21 year old swedish underwear model who wants sex twice before breakfast and again at lunch, once before tea and sucks me off twice again at night!"
Passerby says "whats the problem?"

The old man replies "I can't fucking remember where I live!"

My wife was devastated when her PIP breast implant ruptured, leaking industrial grade silicone..... However, now she's had her nipple pierced, we've been able to seal around the bath, kitchen sink and toilet cistern...!!


Priest & Nun on a Camel in the Sahara Desert, the Camel drops dead leaving them doomed. Realising their fate, & having never seen a naked woman, the priest asks the nun to show her tits & she agrees, providing he shows his cock. They fondle each other & the priest gets an erection.
Priest says, "You know if I put this in the right place I can create life."
The nun replies, "Good! Stick it up the camels arse & lets get the fuck out of here."

-- 

A pretty polish girl stows away on a ship, so she can start a new life in America. 3 weeks later she is found & brought before the Captain. He asks "what r u doing on my boat." She
replies, " I have met a Liverpudlian sailor & he is stowing me away till we get to America. He brings me 3 meals a day and in return I let him fuck me every night." Captain replies
"Oh he's fuckin you all right, this is the Birkenhead Ferry."

 

That ferry captain apparently speaks in text-ese.

chris63 wrote:

thats so Italian   

Norc wrote:

chris63 wrote:Talking about tattoo's



Why ?

his mother must be so proud.

what a knob-head

chris63 wrote:

  

Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

"Certainly madam", he replied courteously.

"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.

"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.

"Certainly madam," he replied.

"And may I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely.

The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please," Mary mused.

After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night. The night passed uneventfully, and next morning, Mary came down early to check out.

The same guy was still on the desk. "Morning madam...sleep well?"

"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.

"Food to your liking?"

"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs ....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.

"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.

"Ok I will...thanks!" replied Mary, who then checked out, paused awhile, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written. She wrote:

"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!!!!"