what sort of jokes can I get away with? [2]

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Post by Mrs Figg Tue May 27, 2014 1:07 pm

Pettytyrant101 wrote:No one knows if your bum looks big or not Figg, its impossible to tell under all that bustle  Very Happy 

 Nod  thats why I like bustles
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Post by Mrs Figg Tue May 27, 2014 1:08 pm

chris63 wrote:I was in the pub the other day when I saw Fred sat at one of the tables with an Emu and a Cat..... odd, I know. I didn't go over. I just watched them. Fred got a round of drinks in, brought them to the table, and the three of them drank up. Then the Emu got up, and got the next round in. They drank up. Then Fred got up again for the next round. Then the Emu again. Noticing that the Cat wasn't buying any rounds, I finally decided to go over to Fred, who was at the bar getting another round in.

"Fred," I said. "What's errr... what's going on, here?"

"Oh, it's a long story," he said. "But to cut it short; I found a magic lamp this morning, so I rubbed it and a genie popped out, declaring that I could have one wish."

"What did you wish for?" I asked.

"A bird with long legs and a tight pussy."

 :facepalm:  oh ye gods
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Post by azriel Thu May 29, 2014 7:26 am

There was a letter on my doormat this morning with the words "do not bend" on it.

I thought, well how the fuck am I going to pick it up?

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Post by azriel Thu May 29, 2014 7:28 am

A man and a little boy go into the hairdresser's.

The man has his hair done and then sits the little lad in the chair.

"Now wait here when your finished, I'm just off to do some shopping." says the man and leaves without paying.

Two hours later, the little lad's still waiting, when the barber says, "I think your dad's forgotten you".

The little lad says, "He's not me dad, we just met outside and he asked me if I wanted a free haircut".

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"There are far, far, better things ahead than any we can leave behind"
If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got

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Post by azriel Thu May 29, 2014 7:38 am

What does an elephant use as a vibrator?

An epileptic pig.

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If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got

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Post by chris63 Thu May 29, 2014 12:08 pm

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Post by chris63 Fri May 30, 2014 5:17 am

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Post by azriel Sat May 31, 2014 9:39 pm

A clown in the circus goes running up to the Ring Master,
"Boss, come quick, Mandrake the Tattooed man has been hurt !!
Gads, how did that happen ?
Well, Matilda, the Fat Lady was being hoisted from her truck when the chains broke, & well, she landed on Zorch the sword swallower as he was having lunch & he coughed up a dagger! The dagger pierced the heart of Jo-Jo the dog faced boy, causing so much pain that he bit Mandrake on the foot, giving him an acute case of rabies.......they are calling it a Freak accident .

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"There are far, far, better things ahead than any we can leave behind"
If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got

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Post by halfwise Sun Jun 01, 2014 1:43 pm

*sigh*

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Post by azriel Sun Jun 01, 2014 4:28 pm

Laughing

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If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got

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Post by Mrs Figg Sun Jun 01, 2014 5:23 pm

:facepalm: 
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Post by chris63 Mon Jun 02, 2014 5:41 am

Talking about tattoo's

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Why ?

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Post by David H Mon Jun 02, 2014 5:56 am

chris63 wrote:Talking about tattoo's
..........
Why ?

Alcohol? drunken 

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Post by chris63 Mon Jun 02, 2014 6:21 am

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Post by azriel Mon Jun 02, 2014 8:03 am

Laughing  Laughing  Laughing

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Post by Norc Mon Jun 02, 2014 8:50 am

chris63 wrote:Talking about tattoo's

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Why ?
his mother must be so proud.
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Post by Forest Shepherd Mon Jun 02, 2014 10:01 am

It runs in the family apparently.
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Post by chris63 Tue Jun 03, 2014 5:04 am

A dyslexic man walks into a bra

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Post by chris63 Tue Jun 03, 2014 5:06 am

A 93 year old man is sat on the kerb crying, a
passerby asks "whats up?" The old man moans "I'm 93,married to a 21 year old swedish underwear model who wants sex twice before breakfast and again at lunch, once before tea and sucks me off twice again at night!"
Passerby says "whats the problem?"

The old man replies "I can't fucking remember where I live!"

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Post by chris63 Tue Jun 03, 2014 5:13 am

My wife was devastated when her PIP breast implant ruptured, leaking industrial grade silicone..... However, now she's had her nipple pierced, we've been able to seal around the bath, kitchen sink and toilet cistern...!!


Priest & Nun on a Camel in the Sahara Desert, the Camel drops dead leaving them doomed. Realising their fate, & having never seen a naked woman, the priest asks the nun to show her tits & she agrees, providing he shows his cock. They fondle each other & the priest gets an erection.
Priest says, "You know if I put this in the right place I can create life."
The nun replies, "Good! Stick it up the camels arse & lets get the fuck out of here."

-- 

A pretty polish girl stows away on a ship, so she can start a new life in America. 3 weeks later she is found & brought before the Captain. He asks "what r u doing on my boat." She
replies, " I have met a Liverpudlian sailor & he is stowing me away till we get to America. He brings me 3 meals a day and in return I let him fuck me every night." Captain replies
"Oh he's fuckin you all right, this is the Birkenhead Ferry."

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Post by Forest Shepherd Tue Jun 03, 2014 10:17 am

Rolling Eyes 

That ferry captain apparently speaks in text-ese.

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Post by Mrs Figg Tue Jun 03, 2014 1:02 pm

chris63 wrote:what sort of jokes can I get away with? [2] - Page 39 14+-+2

thats so Italian  Laughing 
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Post by Mrs Figg Tue Jun 03, 2014 1:03 pm

Norc wrote:
chris63 wrote:Talking about tattoo's

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Why ?
his mother must be so proud.

what a knob-head
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Post by Ringdrotten Tue Jun 03, 2014 1:20 pm

chris63 wrote:what sort of jokes can I get away with? [2] - Page 39 14+-+2

 lol! 

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Post by chris63 Wed Jun 04, 2014 8:02 pm

Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

"Certainly madam", he replied courteously.

"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.

"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.

"Certainly madam," he replied.

"And may I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely.

The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please," Mary mused.

After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night. The night passed uneventfully, and next morning, Mary came down early to check out.

The same guy was still on the desk. "Morning madam...sleep well?"

"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.

"Food to your liking?"

"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs ....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.

"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.

"Ok I will...thanks!" replied Mary, who then checked out, paused awhile, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written. She wrote:

"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!!!!"

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