what sort of jokes can I get away with? [2]

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Post by chris63 Thu May 08, 2014 9:23 am

This bloke said to me "I once got my dog to retrieve a stick from 100 miles away." I said "That’s a bit far-fetched."

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Post by halfwise Thu May 08, 2014 2:56 pm

:facepalm: 

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Post by Pettytyrant101 Fri May 09, 2014 12:48 am

Laughing 

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Post by chris63 Fri May 09, 2014 4:00 am

What goes, clip…………clop………...clip…………clop………...clip…………clop…………,


BANG!


clip,clop,clip,clop,clip,clop,clip,clop,clip,clop,clip,clop,clip,clop?







An Amish drive-by shooting.

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Post by chris63 Fri May 09, 2014 4:06 am

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year. So we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me..

It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.


My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was Bra-less.


She would regularly bend down when she was near me.
I always got more than a nice view.


It had to be deliberate she never did it around anyone else.


One day she called me and asked me to come over.
'To check my Sister's wedding invitations' she said.


She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me. She couldn't overcome them anymore.


She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married.


She said "Before you commit your life to my sister".
Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom" she said.
"if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".


I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.


I stood there for a moment....then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.


Lord And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!


With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me.
He said, 'Sergio, we are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family my son..'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.


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Post by chris63 Fri May 09, 2014 4:08 am

always wondered why Frisbee's get bigger as they get closer



and then it hit me

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Post by chris63 Fri May 09, 2014 4:26 am

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [2] - Page 37 IMG_108624813843824

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Post by azriel Fri May 09, 2014 7:08 am

At last ! I can sleep easy, for now we know...Why The chicken Crossed The road !  Laughing

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Post by Ringdrotten Sat May 10, 2014 3:21 pm

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [2] - Page 37 10274100_10152036638662007_9070952971929201967_n

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Post by Amarië Sat May 10, 2014 6:09 pm

Whatchu laughing at, old man? That's your own design you're mocking.

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Post by Eldorion Sat May 10, 2014 7:03 pm

:facepalm: {{{Very Happy}}}
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Post by azriel Sat May 10, 2014 7:44 pm

what goes..99....bonk...?


a centipede with a wooden leg

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Post by chris63 Mon May 12, 2014 3:28 am


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Post by azriel Mon May 12, 2014 3:32 pm

lol!

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Post by chris63 Tue May 13, 2014 4:52 am

People who have Bluetooth handsets need a clip round the ear.

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Post by chris63 Tue May 13, 2014 4:53 am

Daffy Duck calls the hotel desk & asks for a condom. They ask "Shall we put it on your bill" he says "are u thucking thupid I'll thuffocate!"

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Post by chris63 Tue May 13, 2014 5:00 am

I like to walk around the house naked.

Until the neighbours chase me back inside.

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Post by chris63 Tue May 13, 2014 5:01 am

Why did the baker have brown hands?

Because he kneaded a poo.


 Very Happy  Very Happy  Very Happy 

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Post by Hillbilly Sun May 18, 2014 12:37 am

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [2] - Page 37 Sign110
Man Working Ahead
what sort of jokes can I get away with? [2] - Page 37 Sign210
Men Working Ahead
what sort of jokes can I get away with? [2] - Page 37 Sign310
Men Kissing Ahead
what sort of jokes can I get away with? [2] - Page 37 Sign410
Rampant Unchecked Homosexuality Ahead
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Post by Hillbilly Sun May 18, 2014 12:38 am

OK it's lame and the pictures are way oversized, but what do you expect from a Hillbilly?
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Post by halfwise Sun May 18, 2014 3:26 am

It was a slow build up.

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Post by Pettytyrant101 Sun May 18, 2014 4:02 am

Decent punchline though  Very Happy 

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Post by chris63 Mon May 19, 2014 3:58 am

There was no way I was gonna go hungry this Christmas. So I went to Tesco and nicked a turkey. The security guard saw me and ran after me shouting; "Oi! what you doing with that"!?I shouted back "Potatoes, peas, carrots & gravy you twat"!

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Post by chris63 Mon May 19, 2014 4:00 am

I took my girlfriend to meet my parents the other day. My Dad leaned over and whispered to me "What the hell are you doing with a bow legged, one armed, no toothed, cross-eyed, bald girlfriend?" I said "There's no need to whisper Dad, she's deaf".

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Post by chris63 Mon May 19, 2014 4:03 am

A penguin walks into a bar and says to the bartender 'Has my brother been in'.

The bar tender replies 'I dunno, what does he look like?'

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When I was younger my dad worked on the roadworks. I was convinced he was stealing from work, but couldn't prove it. But when I got home all the signs were there.

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A moth went to the doctors and the doctor says ' yes Mr moth, how can I help you?' You can't' said the moth - 'I feel fine.' The doc says 'well why have you come to the doctors?'. The light was on' replied the moth.

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I was once obsessed with stealing meat. I was once going to Morrisons and saw the juiciest sirloins on the top shelf. I was going to nick them but the steaks were too high.

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What's E.T. short for? He has got little legs.

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