Agent Nora and the Freaky Bean

They all trudged into Bree just as the sun dipped behind the mountains. The great wooden door clanged behind them. The ponies were weary and they all clopped gratefully into the stable of the Prancing Woofter.
The Woofter was a neo gothic Inn of the kind favoured by Mr and Mrs Smiths out on an afternoon thrutching session and the noble Dunedain. It was comfortable and homey with a decent range of gastro pub nosh. They staggered in elbowing each other out of the way to get at the fire.
"welcome welcome to my humble abode" said Lance the Innkeeper. He was an ex-para from the SAS regiment, and you had to be careful not to make any sudden moves as his peripheral vision had a hair trigger. There were many a drunken patron that had found themselves suddenly choking from the cheesewire Lance had whipped round their gullets. Or felled by a lightening strike from a karate chop. On his days off he liked to para-glide with Eagles and press wild flowers.
"we would like rooms for the night and food" said Halfy. " I hope you have Chateaux neuf du pap and pasta al dente?
"certainly certainly my good imp" said Lance, dangerously close to throttling Halfy, "Step this way to the dining hall".
After they had eaten they sat around the roaring fire.
"you know" said halfy, "some folk think that coal was laid down millions of years ago by billions of Monkey puzzle trees", "but thats patently silly, I know coal is really truffle fungus".
As they sat there musing about stuff, little did they know that black shadows were crawling and creeping over the great door of Bree.
"who's that fellow over there?" said Nora, "he has been staring this way for ages".
They all looked, and the man shifted uncomfortably.
"thats Rodney" said Lance, "he's one of them Rangers", "he goes round protecting merps, and issuing parking tickets to truckers", "its dirty work but someones got to do it".
"what, truckers?" said Elthir,
"no, merps", "they be staggering round dressed in cheap nylon fancy dress, mostly pixies or sexy nuns", "they invade weddings and office parties", "its hard work controlling merps, but Rodney saves em, gives em hope, he kits them out with high quality Ngila Dickson costumes and sets em free in the wild", "he's a scholar and a gent he is".
Lance looked with misty eyes at Rodney.
"he's my captain, my king".

I nearly choked with laughter ! that was brill !

"mostly pixies or sexy nuns"

"The Prancing Woofter" started it for me !

The Woofter was quiet, all were in beddie byes sucking their thumbs, apart from Rodney the watchful Dunedain. He watched as the shadows crept over the cobbles towards the Inn, he watched as the shadows swooped in through the door of the sleeping Questers, and he watched as the sleeping Questers were rudely awakened by zombie carrot nazguls sinking their sharp teethses into toes and other protruding bits.
"erm arent you supposed to be swapping bedrooms and laying out feather pillows to be bitten at this point?" said Lance.
"nah!, I thought I would ave a bit of fun, its very boring being a Dunedain, ". said Rodney.
"you have a sick sense of humour" said Lance.
"meh!, I havent had a shag for 80 years, give a chap a break".
Lance sighed and went off to polish his Shard of Narsil.

Rodney the Dunedain sauntered casually into the bedroom of the Questers and tried hard not to giggle. Normally he had to fight off fearsome beasties and ghouls, but the sight of Orwie hopping round with a gnashing carrot dangling off the end of his (lets keep this clean) nose, was too much.
The Questers fought off the Nazgul Veggies in their own way, Azriel was tickling them, G.B was setting fire to their stalks with his staff, Eldolas was glaring at them loftily daring them to come closer, and Nora was beating them back with colourful Viking swearwords. Orwie flapped at them with his lace pocket handkerchief.
"These veggies wont have forgotten this blade, said Rodney thunderously, getting everyones attention.
He swept aside his cloak and produced a small stainless steel spudknife.
"this is the Spud Hammer, be afraid very afraid.

spudhammer!

The veggies howled and fled in terror before the slightly glowing Spud Hammer or the Tater Hater as it was known of yore.
"You know you guys really need me about the place, you are completely useless in a tight pinch", said Orwie.
"yeahanywayz",said Rodney, "if you are on your way to Rivendyke i'll tag along, but I warn you the road will be filled with terror, and some of you (he looked at Orwie) may not make it".
"Rivendyke?", "Trolladvisor only gives it 3 stars for their restaurant you know", said Halfy looking crestfallen.
"well if you survive long enough you can stock up supplies in Trollshaws pic-n-mix roadside coffeehaus, they do some awesome snot pie and bogie omlettes".
"think i'll pass", said Halfy

Loving this, Mrs Figg!

"nah!, I thought I would ave a bit of fun, its very boring being a Dunedain, ". said Rodney.
"you have a sick sense of humour" said Lance.
"meh!, I havent had a shag for 80 years, give a chap a break".
Lance sighed and went off to polish his Shard of Narsil.

omg. i am laughing so hard!

They journeyed on, and on, and one evening Elthir stopped by the winding woodland path as if turned to stone, but he wasnt a troll, so he was just stopped. He listened and shushed them. "cool it you lot", he whispered, "I hear the musical tinkling of bells".
"Could it perchance be my dear friend the Elf Lord Goldbaum from Hollin Heights?".
"Nah!", "its Orwie taking a pee", said Nora.
and indeed it did sound rather musical as it gurgled in a yellow path down past their feet.
Elthir looked sad as if he missed male bonding and thigh slapping with his fellow Dwarves/Elf buddies. "I will slap your thighs if you want said Eldolas, get that Elf/Dwarf brotherhood and mutual hero worship thang goin on".
Elthir tossed his mane of tousled but metrosexually producted hair.
"Maybe later", he said coyly.
Orwie and Azriel giggled together in the dusky dusk.

The Questers fought off the Nazgul Veggies in their own way, Azriel was tickling them, G.B was setting fire to their stalks with his staff, Eldolas was glaring at them loftily daring them to come closer, and Nora was beating them back with colourful Viking swearwords. Orwie flapped at them with his lace pocket handkerchief.
"These veggies wont have forgotten this blade, said Rodney thunderously, getting everyones attention.
He swept aside his cloak and produced a small stainless steel spudknife.
"this is the Spud Hammer, be afraid very afraid.

these are so the best bits! omg! I so picture dandy Orwie with his hankerchief omg i am dying this is to much.. tears!

Elthir looked sad as if he missed male bonding and thigh slapping with his fellow Dwarves/Elf buddies. "I will slap your thighs if you want said Eldolas, get that Elf/Dwarf brotherhood and mutual hero worship thang goin on".
Elthir tossed his mane of tousled but metrosexually producted hair.
"Maybe later", he said coyly.
Orwie and Azriel giggled together in the dusky dusk.

i can't breath!! where do you get this from!!! I LOVE IT! YOU ARE GENIUS!

Rivendyke was a big let down.
It looked like a Las vagas strip mall, with strippers, in pink leather chaps.
Even the freakin air was pink.
"Oh give me Grima!", said Nora.
"this place is cheap and tacky". said Azriel
"told you so", said Halfy.
"it looks mainly CGI", said Rodney.
"those Elves are pole dancing", goggled Orwie.
G.B who had been largely silent because he had knicked off for a fag and hadnt returned for days said,
"my fellow wizards are gathered in Rivendyke for a chin wag, but you lot may not pass", "its just for the Order of the Phoenix".
"wrong book", said Nora,

I don't know about anyone else, but I'm not seeing how Rivendyke as described would be a let down. Pink leather chaps, hubba hubba!

well... a let down to some, perhaps.

orwie seemed happy.

its whats in the pink leather chaps you need to worry about.


thanks guys

You certainly have a knack for a comic turn Mrs Figg- loving this so much fun.

They walked with trepidation over the narrow bridge to the 'Last Horny House', you could tell it was called that because it was written in neon flashing lights. Whoops could be heard and the floor was sticky. There was a mechanical Elk thing in the middle of the great Hall.
"wheres Elrond?" said G.B to a passing nymph.
"buggered off with his intern", she said.
"got a bungalow in Miami, hes got a tan", she said deadpan, and walked off.
"thats sad", said Eldolas.
They walked onto a terrace thingie and a woman was standing with her back to them, she had a very long blue lurex dress on, and long red hair.
"welcome welcome!" said Gladofiggs.
"NO SHIT!" they said.

your comedy is fantastic ! Ive laughed & choked over reading this,

finally, you're in it too ^^